The Fog appears to be lifting

Talked to my Bio Mom, and something happened. A change. A shift. I have been working on updating her for months now, years. And it is hard work. There are so many expectation about what adoption is, means, and what it is to be? I mean we all get told something, right? And is that really the whole truth without an Adoptees real time, down and dirty, research, from experience?

How can my Mama really know the truth without my truth? And that is what all this is about. Messy, yes. And it is truly a labor of love. I have two Mothers, one who is visible, and one who has been invisible. And the invisible one is part of my psyche.

Psyche is the Mind, Body, Spirit combination that we all are. And well, relationships are part that psyche. When a relationship with your own Mother is compromised, it affect you all the way. And to go on without proper updates and such is not conducive to a healthy psyche. Many do go on, and live. But their well being is comprised in totality, they live, but not to the fullest extent. What we wrestle with is our ideas of each other. We struggle to adjust from all the misinformation we received apart? And when you get back together, you must purge those ideas that do not serve.

Many Bio Moms live with guilt, and shame. They hide it, yep. But when a child given away at birth comes home? They are like a beacon, they hone right in on those subtle and destructive energies. Why? Because children heal you, that is why?

Science has shown that children can heal a mothers body while in her womb. That is amazing! But children can heal a broken heart too. One that was broken many years ago. After relinquishment. I am working to show you how I am doing it. I hope you glean from my experience, and work to heal the tear in your own family psyche.

God designed us to stay with our parents, and then to grow up and move on. But when you are separated at birth, there is an unspoken rule, which is to reunite. As I see it, we are way off course if we are not supporting those reunions. For children are gift to the ones they are given to. And if that gift is refitted and not open and enjoyed, well, it is like an unopened gift from a king? Not a good thing to just do that.

I do know that God wants us back. My story is one of restoration.  But that did not come free. I had to dig in, and do the work to escalate the old out, and make room for new.


I will tell you the shift after this week. Pray for my Mother and I. I am cutting new ground for us, by just pushing through and past all that goop. Love will win out.

What Adoptees need is full circle. And we must educate our Mothers and Fathers to the truth if we wish to succeed. This does matter to the nation of Adoptees. It matters to me to see my people heal. So I do this for us. To start the conversations to heal.

I hope you find comfort and hope in my willingness to be the fool, so we can learn. xo

Emails to my Mother

Ok, if I have to put up with this trying to get back home. You guys can look at this ugly mess too. This is really what it looks like in my world to reunite with  my Mama. Let us read and learn. I am not saying what right and wrong is anymore. I am saying what is. And no body knows what is right except the child. The Mother, is programed to feel and think a certain way, the only way out of that mental mess is education. Let us begin.


To Change!

This below is from My Birth Mother. We have been fighting.The fight is about us trying to talk about our pain. And I am talking, she is fighting and not accepting what is showing up. I hope that this can help folks to heal. I do this for those who want to get ready to meet their child again. And for those that need to forgive themselves, and for those that still feel their babies are mistakes. WE grow up. WE have hearts. And they beat for our Mothers. WE may not like the woman this world made our Mothers have to be, but we. still love them. And those that love each other, fight to see and to be seen.

As I see it, she is very polar. And what i mean is, one way or the other. And that is common these days. If someone says something that you don’t understand, some people fight it, and think that their view is true. I do not prescribe to my own truth, but tell mine so we can adjust.

What I mean is to come to a complete truth, which includes hers and mine and a more complete truth. For my truth is mine, but hers can change mine, and my view point? It is like we are in trees and I yell out, ” This is what I see!” And then she should yell out, “Well, this is what I see”. But what we do is, or many people do, and my Birth Mother is, saying, “That is so not the truth!”, From her tree, she is trying to tell me what I see from my tree matches what she sees from her tree? How can she know my view? Without coming up in my tree? Which after 23 years! I have not been able to even begin a foundation, she burns it down. Now, I can see that is about her.

I have done this, and that. And put up with this and that. I mean my sisters could give a rats ass about me. And thy mutter some nonsense about how I act. And there was a time that I did not act like this. I was willing and wrote letters and looked for signs that they would accept me. I saw only one who tried. But in the end did not have what it took to cross over our fragile bridge. My Mother and the world had programed her to damn me too. Like Queen Elizabeth I was removed from my family of origin and raised in a distant place. But as we can see, she was someone really special, and what that shows is we all are special. All of us. Yes, you, even if you gave a child away, are special and your child is special too. Fuck what they said about you. God is not swayed by social opinion. Jesus told the woman who was caught in adultery, “Where are your accusers?, Go and sin (which means to miss the mark), no more, Neither, do I condemn the.  That is a paraphrase. And it makes sense to me. God is for us. And even like this, me and my Mama are loved always, so our fights are just to people trying to be seen, and we adjust each time.

Birth Mama’s email-

This is the last time I am responding to you. You have NO IDEA what my thoughts were or are!! Contrary to your mind—you cannot read my mind! If you are saying actions speak louder than words then look in the mirror? Look at yours! You love to put me down for thoughts and things that I have not even come close to thinking.
Just because Chelsie was born of you does not mean she is like you. She is fighting not to be! She gets it and she is loving and kind.
The knife in my hand was one I was bringing home from MY cooking class. I took it in to do prep work!! I do not go around with one in my hand!
Do you ever read what you write? Condense your thoughts. And do not throw God into this. He does not sanction actions such as yours. He is a loving God !
This is pointless. You keep saying you are done and then come right back. I answered you to provide the info you requested not to get in a shooting match and being put down by you once again! Take your hostility and anger someplace else and I do not need to read your mind to recognize it!!

Sent from my iPhone


Below is what I sent back. And I have not edited this. So be kind in the sense that this is hard to expose for people to see and learn. I do this for us all to raise the consciousness. Thank you, it does matter that you are here. And my numbers each day are encouraging me to go on. To pierce the veil that separate us all from seeing, Adoption is not a solution, it is a problem.



Thank you for a response at all. It is not really like I have asked you a lot of questions you know? And we don’t really even have some common ground, nor content for you to understand this child. And yes, like you I get all polar and try to pull away. But this is what I see. I can not. And the bond we have is staring us both in the face. And we both need to accept that we are just fish out of water and don’t get each other at all? We have changed. I am more like a wild version of you. And it is hurtful you chide me about being wild? I just know this. Your the woman that made me. And a child’s heart is always for their Mother, even when she seems to act like a strange, er. You do act strange. So do I. But I hold to the truth, like a mast at sea. You are my true North, if you can’t help me no one can.
Why do you tell me to go to strangers all the time? I went with this woman? Isn’t that enough? I have learned to love her in my own way. She will never be you. I have let go of my raising, and am trying to integrate it all, You, her, my family heritage, and my medical history. It is a lot to do alone. She really does not know any other way than me, like this. All crazy. She does not care. But my children and you all, see me another way? She does not care how I am. And it is not very nice of you to have such expectations on me, since you sent me to her?

And Chelsie. That was hurtful. And yes I see that. I know why my Daughter struggle with me. For I am a freak. This has made me this way, to you, now to them. And they are ashamed of me. The world told me not to find you, but I did not listen. I am a gift, from God. And when you die, you will be able to see my like I really am, inside, where you can not see. I try to show you, but like a child trapped in a body that does not work right, here I am. I feel like a Gay person coming out. I feel like a autistic child trapped in a body that makes me look like a clown. And you show me that.

I have seen the truth. I am a freak. Thank you. I already knew.


I show you a side no one has seen, but maybe my children. I love my Adopted Mother, it is hard to say the truth, and how it felt. But I have lied to long. I miss my Mother so bad, my heart is broken. And shame on you for trying to make me feel guilty for a natural feeling! Damn it all!

I just want to heal. I want to clear the weeds away, and what I mean by weeds is the thoughts that keep us strangers, my Mother and me.   I desire to just let all this out, so I can come to ground Zero with this. I love everyone, but he way we are playing this game, private adoptions, Adoptions, Foster care, taking kids away from parents that need education, when we know damn well we are a bunch of lazy ass American and we are ripping children lives apart, to do what? Stop a moral dilemma? This madness must stop. I am calling a wake up call!


I call bullshit! Adoptions nothing more than human trafficking, and taking our civil rights away is despicable. I am just getting started. I you can’t keep up with this, maybe you should be adopted. LOL It makes your brains spin and whirl around trying to figure it all out, and NO ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT! NOT EVEN MY BIRTH MOTHER. MY  MANUFACTURER. NO LIFE TIME WARRANTY HERE FOLKS. I AM FUCKED IF YOU DON’T HELP ME.

I want my Mothers to be friends, like they really are, in public. I want them to walk arm and arm. They are best friends. My Adopted Mom raised me without even knowing my MOM. That is amazing! And for the good of the child, me, who is still living. I feel that they need to meet to bring it full circle. And like my baby says, drink some tea, like we used to.

I wish to be civilized, but when being treated like this by  you won Mother, well, you can imagine my dismay, and disgust. Being Adopted makes you, or makes me tough. I resurrected my inner Mama, and she a badass. My Mama does know who she talking to, it is her, from he 60’s.

I used to not cuss. And God showed me it was intent, and that I needed to get this all out, and that grace would cover this, that I had trapped, for lack of a place to go with this kind of information. And now I do. I just am not going to be something that I am not, when my own Mother treats me like a vagrant, a baboon, a slut, and piece of shit on her door way.

She tells me my baby is Precious, but I am not?


Each day I wake, and I am going to film it so you can see me in the morning, when I am crying as I wake again to a day that I do not have her in my life. It is a thorn in my side. And to have her think of me in these ways. I am unable to hold it in any longer.


Thank you for showing up. Thank you for being a witness to my life. You matter. I am praying for us all to get back what is ours. I want to change this world to make it safe for all babies. Our civil rights need to include the unborn child. And God placed me in her for a reason. If my Adopted Moms was supposed to have me? I think God can find her tummy? Dont you think? Are we saying we are  God know? And we can interpret Gods ways? LOL

Let  us educate them, it is the only way out of ignorance. As we can see shooting get attention, but do not educate. They only point at an issue, or a person. And then we have to figure out why? Why do we not just speak and not take it to the  physical level? It is about what is inside the mind that we all want to change anyway.



Adoption reality, Time to clean up this mess

You know being adopted is such a chore. We need to self edit to not step on anyones toes. What about our toes? They are stepped on all day long?


Our rights removed. Our family history removed, hidden. We must work to find each and every family member that we hold dear? Our families think we are crazy. We don’t talk like them. Hell, we are all different. This world made it that way. What do you think is going to happen?

Babies learn a language inside you. And then have to go learn another one. What are we doing? IT is any wonder why my brain runs circles around yours? You only have one mom?

To block a child is to block yourself. A child is a gift. So all you Mama’s out there!? You got unopened packages. And now you got to clean up the weeds between us all, so we can restore what this ignorant world cooked up as a cure for a moral dilemma, that  God did not make? Why in the hell does the church hold onto a filthy rag like that? Why?

Read this-

Babies only hours old are able to differentiate between sounds from their native language and a foreign language, scientists have discovered. The study indicates that babies begin absorbing language while still in the womb, earlier than previously thought.

Sensory and brain mechanisms for hearing are developed at 30 weeks of gestational age, and the new study shows that unborn babies are listening to their mothers talk during the last 10 weeks of pregnancy and at birth can demonstrate what they’ve heard.

You see that part about language? Yeah, we have taken a hit at our language center, and it split. We run two programs simultaneously. We maintain two relationships. It does not stop. We wrestle with two mothers. One we see, one who is within the very fiber of our being. God knit her in for a reason. And we must reunite, it is by design. Our bodies have lived to return. So that they can learn, and see the gift that God gave to them, and that the world told them to give away. We must stop this by educating folks. We must.

We are born, and when we are born, we have a dialect. And then have to go home to learn a new one. Do you see how upsetting this is the psyche of the child? It is like overwhelming. And our brains are overloaded. but we cope, with little to no help. No medial history to refer to? No Mothers face to mirror with to understand ourselves? it is torture that needs to stop. And education is the only way.

It is like trying to load android apps into an iPhone. But we are expected to do this. When the truth is right in front of us? No one can do that? The programing won’t let it couplet the down load or even begin? With a world gone mad. We must educate these folks about what they do that they do not know they do? Like Jesus, we must break the silence and pull the veil back.

Read this-

A world that is nothing more than a living psychosis, when we can not even see what we do for lack of knowledge.

Psychosis refers to an abnormal condition of the mind described as involving a “loss of contact with reality”. People with psychosis are described as psychotic. People experiencing psychosis may exhibit some personality changes and thought disorder. Depending on its severity, this may be accompanied by unusual or bizarre behavior, as well as difficulty with social interaction and impairment in carrying out daily life activities.

This definition is nothing more than a label. But this world is living psychosis, why? We have not woken them up from the dream they live in, thinking this is a solution.

We are not the crazy ones. This world is, for making children pay such a high price, for a moral dilemma Jesus himself had to deal with. Hello! Like he was what this world would call us unwanted, illegitimate child. He did not come when the marriage license ink had dried. He was out of order. Or was he? Hello!  Anyone see that one? It is the same old story, with another kids name. And Jesus came to change that. To change how people treated each other. Look at his sermons. Look at how he treated the Samaritan woman? He let her off scott free? No punishment as we do today? No lashing? No rocks? NO bars? He told her Not to sin, which is to miss the mark, because she was not living honestly. She was saying one thing and doing another.

Look at how he treated woman? A woman was the first at the door, the one who bathed his feet? Jesus is the actualized man. Buddha was actualized. WE all can be actualized. What it means is we take our place in this world as sons and daughters of this world. Not just our parents and the little pools of consciousness we come from?

The words and views express here are from an Adoptee. No editing, except spelling. And then again I may miss some of that. I am not writing in any other style then how I think, to illustrate how an adoptees brain things and show you. If you think I am crazy? Well, this made me that way. Cuz I am just like you, but had to live some fairy tale. Reality is subjective anyway, to the person experiencing it. I will not conform any longer to an ideal that is insane. I want my Mother back. But she’s full of the bull shit the world told her I was. Like boats on the sea, she is like a indian on our land that could not see Columbus’s boats approach, having never seen boats before. They could not see them until the shaman came and pointed them out.

I am a shaman for my people. Pointing out the boats that float right in from of your face about this issue. And they are not imaginary. WE are real. And our feeling are real. And you, don’t know shit about what we feel. This is my story. Excuse me for being so blunt, they took me from the Mommy I loved and love, at two days old. I do not appreciate that. And She still does not see the blessing I am, cuz of all this shit.


I have two cysts on my liver. And am working on getting out what I learned before it is to late. None of us know when we have to go. I want to make a difference for my kids. I still don’t know all my history, I can’t even talk to my Mom she’s so jacked up.


Thank you for reading and sharing my story. Education brings knowledge.

Knowledge is power.

Family Health HIstory

The saga continues for an Adoptee without a proper health history.


Below is the Facebook message I sent my cousin. We met on Facebook. And things looked like I might have an advocate, but, one trip from my Birth Mother stopped that. In it’s tracks. I post it here to show you what it is really like, unedited. I hope you will share this story. And I pray it will wake us up.


Hello- Gonna try one last time to get through. Things have been really weird. Yes. And I have been acting erratic yes. And as an adoptee, who does not have her proper medical history, and who’s never had privy to it. I am not here to fight as you all are coming back at me. This is my truth. But my health is an issue. I just want someone from my family to help me. I feel alone, my Adopted Mother does not understand me? She is well, she just accepts me like this. It is all of you that have made me aware of whatever your saying. And I try to understand, but my Adopted Mom did not know another way but how I am? And it is very hurtful how you all have treated me like a leper. I don’t know what my Mother told you when she came down to see you and drove past me? And then lied and said she did not know how to find me? And that is mean and hurtful? But I have these cyst on my liver. And I am trying to get to the bottom of this history and mystery called my family history and medical history. This is so cruel to do to people, all cuz I was not conceived with a licensed to do so. If I sound crazy, this world made me this way? Why am I punished? I work to figure out where I get cyst from? And Mama is susceptible to staph, which is linked and cousins to syphilis? Did you know that?
Staphylococcus is one of the sexually Transmitted diseases many people disregard as serious problem in life. Other sexually transmitted diseases that can reduce immunity and give birth to staphylococcus are:- Genital warts, Syphilis, Trichomoniasis, Gonorrhea and Yeast infections.
Please read this.
And if this is true, I have it too. Not ok. I want to be tested, but I want my family present. My Mother to be exact. Now! I have not asked for her before. And this is so confusing, yes. But, I am family.
Our grandfather, died of this. We must stop it from continuing in my children. Now I have been trying to get through, but well, Mama’s not really educating herself about these things like I am. I went to school for the sciences, I did not finish, due to being a mother of three on welfare and was broken down and sick. I have been dealing with illness my whole like. This is info I should have had. But it can be what I have now? IF people could just stop being so stubborn and bullheaded? I will not apologize for showing you what I see. If you want to show me what you see? I have taken it and still come back. I just want my whole life back. Heritage, medical history and my Mother. Without all that shit the world told her. Can you please help me?



If it is sexually transmitted, my Dad died from it.


This is the mess Adoptions creates. God knows what she/he is doing. We must stop this micro management of the gifts (children) he/she gives to us. No child should have to live like this. NO child. We must make this world safe for us all. We must.

I go back to the Pain

I go back

Back to the pain

WE meet there

You and I

And we play

In a field full of flowers

You whisper to me

Of the love with no bounds

You come to me there

In my dream

You carry me

You carry me

Or you I carry you?

This life is so strange

They let me see you

But this glass wall

I stand and I pound

God let me in!

But you don’t see me out here

Or do you? AM I you?

The wall long gone

I have grown now

I come to call you

From the dream we shared

You and I

For I have come

Your soul so loudly called to me

For our souls are one

Separations is not real

But our hearts are torn

By this thing I see

So I try, and I try, and I try

To break us free

This life has made me strong

And I want to show you how

Look at me now!

For I found you!

For I found you

Mother dear

And your soul is so weary

From a rough ride

But I have come to give you

I have a torch my dear Mother, my queens

From the heart of your child

Between us three

Can you now see?

Belinda Gayheart-Arnold

Original writing this day is the sole property of the writer above stated

Your desires were met in each thing you did, but mine was denied. And you didn’t know I wanted it, until now. I have two Mothers, and the world and my mother made it so. Woman in the 60 just trying to get out of being a slut or whatever! Have to give up their babies, many at the hands of their own families, and this should not be. I honor my Mothers for their stories have not been told yet except what i speak of. But they are strong. The have carry me  this far. And now is my time to tell it all.

Its not easy living years in secrecy like my Mama did, but she did it for me. And now God has given me the golden scepter to release her from that cage.  No woman should have to hide a child, let alone a jewel like me? LOL Well, lets say I don’t take no shit. When you Mama throws you out on our ear, you hit the floor running. And i would like to slow down the pass is hard on me. And my Mothers. So its time to come clean with my finding as an adoptee and get out. So the world can adjust, and maybe while i am doing this someone else will gain courage from my outrageous statements and unorganized writing and think, “Hey? Maybe I can tell my story?’

Yep, I would love that.




I will forever be intoxicated with the spirit that is my Mother. She stalks me, Her breath is hot upon my neck. She sends me kisses from the bee’s. She surrounds me with her prayers and waters my soul with her tears. She toils in the dark for a child unaccepted into this world. Her seed thrown into the wind inside the breast of a bird, to fly away where a way has been provided for me to grow and know what it feels like to be loved and treated most precious. Not easy to be queen Elizabeth. I wonder if I will rise to greatness as she?

But what they did not figure into the equation called my life was the longing programed inside a child to long for its Mother. Not a mental longing that can be changed, but an unconscious on that calls to be satisfied. And it defies us, and it demands of us, at least me. I stand up and speak of it. For the child within begs me to. For her pain was so unbearable, but thank God he is with us, and for a Mothers love even when the world is against her. Mother and woman need to be supported, and we should be supporting each other.

Being adopted is like Harry Potter. 

If what I write here makes you hurt, just know that I hurt too. And if I keep it quiet I hurt still. So I am allowing mYself to let this out. You will not understand how good that feels until you allow yourself to as well.

Being adopted is like being Harry Potter. But the one thing is that you don’t realize you have that scare and that it gets triggered. And like a ferrel cat you go off and get squirly when your wound gets hit. But it’s all you’ve ever known. And like a wild cat you just run. To heal means turning around and facing ALL that scared you, and all that wounded you. It’s daunting. But must happen for restoration of what is. Which means. I gotta spit out all of what we all thought about it. I must weigh in. And then we all adjust to what is after I and my people give our feedback about how this wonderful modality felt as a human having to experience it. And we’ll. It was not so good. Why? I missed my mom. Even though I got a brand new one. My body knew the difference. And I think this is a hitch in the plan that kind of busts up all the love and light everyone’s talking about while we (the adoptees) all are playing the silent game for fear of it happening again. It is happening again. And again. And again. Because we are silent. Except to new victims. And each day the toll gets higher of how many families are ripped up.  So our truth is key to stop this madness and we have weathered life storm and are still living. But we are living lies, and we know it. WE live the lie the world, our Mothers ignorantly gave us to live. But our hearts beat for our families of origin and it does not stop. We will long until the day we die, because we are designed that way.And our Adopted families know it deep down. But they don’t want to look at the truth, which is your still barren and now you’ve fucked up a child for your own want for a child, but you took one from another who got a bad wrap and has to give hers up or face the shame from a society that does understand its own world at all.  So let’s fix this. Or at least I am gonna stand to fix this madness that takes perfectly fine woman and their babies and begin to support the process of Procreation.

God made this planet. Maybe God has some ideas about population control we have missed? Maybe if we took all the shame off sex we might find some other options? Like pleasure without penetration? Or mastrabation? And my favorite is this one. Shameless Education about the truth of procreation! Oh, now that’s an idea! Use Grace to teach? Yeah. Let’s educate people. So the adoption agencies have to go out of business? No babies to take from their mothers in the name of love. Nothing More for you to do? Your damn right! If young girls were educated. Really educated. Like let’s have girls learn about being a mom. What being pregnant means? Talk is cheap. Let’s show them. If we don’t start teaching better we are doomed to be repeating this ignorance. And the world is ignorant still in 2016 of these things. And the horror goes on. God does not forget the children rejected by their mothers. And God does not forget those who support that separation. And America is the worst. So greedy. Wanting. Not having. So they take. They take children from those down and out. And give them to those who lack a child but have money to buy one? We think we know so much? The adoption industry feeds off the ignorance of adults. And tears little hearts out by taking those children God very carefully placed inside another and gives the child to someone who could not conceive? And that is not better.

And I’ll tell you why?

New research has surfaced and it shows that when babies are conceived and begin to grow within their Mothers womb they actually make stem cells that are created to stay with in the Mother. These stem cells actually create the Mother instinct. And are what keeps the child safe. This is by design. And the new Mom lacks those cells and is not able to care for the child as the Mother of origin could. Even on a bad day, she’s gonna do better, why? Her Childs cells help her do better? A Mother who has relinquished a child is doomed to a personal hell of not being able to guide that child after relinquishment she will toil and feel what the child feels even though they are apart. So why do this at all is my questions? We are dooming woman when we suggest they deny their calling. And being a Mother is a call. Look at my Mother, she has four children from her womb, but she relinquished me and that had an effect on her. She broken for sure. What is broken? Her Mother instinct that is what is broken. She does know how to act like my Mother? My cells are still inside her. Why is she not acting like my Mother? Oh, yes, yes, societal presents have told her she not my Mother anymore? Yep, they told her she could take the rest of her life off the job, but does the universe agree?  I think not. Even though we have free will, it’s not free, so we have paid a price for this, she pays a price for this option to clear her name, that should’ve never needed to be cleared at all. Woman need to be protected and their ability to conceive and co-create with God is a sacred career. And the universe is designed that way. But we in our finite wisdom of nothing think we know better than the design of this earth and are fucking around with something we don’t even have a grasp on.

You know just because everyones got free will, does not mean it’s free. As we can see looking at this world that many suffered due to another’s actions. And we all act like free will is such a privilege? And we act like it’s a right! But to truly be a grown up in this world is to come to the realization that nothing here is free. And we all pay a price. And my questions is, when will we learn? When will we as a species see that our instincts, not our brain power, is our best bet. And that separating Mother and child is about the most ignorant thing we have invented. And everyones gonna see pretty soon how bad it is inside all of us Adoptees. For our wounds are being squeezed for a reason. The truth must come out, for it is what sets us free.

My story is not as horrific like some, There was mostly mental abuse, but not because it was intentional, but out of ignorance. My Mother were not educated at all about adoption. And they did not educate themselves about it. So, what do you get when you don’t educate yourself about you child? You come out without really knowing what is going on. And my Moms made up dream lives about me. They each had their idea of what this experience was about to them. But have traveled through life not even know what this has done to me, the child. Personally I hate being the bearer of bad news but I must persist or this will persist.

And it is a really tough job having to grow up, and trying to figure this out, figure out what was making me upset and what hurt so bad. Growing up adopted means you think about your Mom all the time and you pine for her. You grow up wishing you could share your crayon art with her, your picked flowers, your wet kisses, a warm hug of love, and having those denied to you due to your conception is a tormented way to live for anyone. And children relinquished mourn the loss, but have no place safe to share that, expect with each other and that iffy too. Our trust has been broken, so we don’t want to happen when we were born to happen again. Many of us on an unconscious level avoid saying anything so to avoid it. It’s like an auto-pilot thing. Our Mothers are gone and we mourn, that’s how it is. And if an Adoptee tells you different, bring them to me, I can break it open so it can heal. Why? Because it’s there and to prolong the ignorance is mean. Adoptees want to heal.

Now, I work to educate my Mothers. Because what they got told was a lie. It was what someone said about it. It was probably a man. Men have been trying to tame woman for years. Trying to keep us to themselves.  What floors me is that they thought I would not notice them taking me from my Mother!  Well ,may I set the record straight right here. I knew the difference the day I went home with my Adopted Mom. And I mourned that day in my crib for a loss I could not understand? Everyone around me was so happy about me, and it was confusing. Because, I felt pain, and in the crib alone, my little heart mourned the loss of my  Mom. And each day we are apart I mourn, and she alive, which makes the pain even more hurtful. Why? Because she’s right there, in another state. My Mother is there, in another state, and we are estranged, because I told her my truth and she thinks I hate her. And she was told a lie and can’t believe me when I say my truth about it. And all I am is a grief stricken child who wants her Mother, a mother who in fact still lives.

Let me ask you this. Is that to much to ask? Well, it is a very complicated thing to desire after Adoptions. Why? Because Mothers are wounded too in the process and they get all jumbled up. They begin to malfunction as Mothers. And it causes the children of those relinquished to act weird too. The whole process of Adoption is not natural. And it is causing unnatural things to happen in our world. We don’t notice it. Because people don’t educate themselves about cause and effect. And we are all hung up on shame which make it messy.

The Churches have deemed illegitimate pregnancy and claimed God said it. And I am a spirit filled christian. I love God. But adoption is from hell. Meaning it is not how this world was created. And it causes those who participate in it to be in a hell of sorts. Mothers are reporting this very thing at new high levels, but no ones listening. So the adoptee’s needs to start speaking. Birth Mothers do not have the power we have. For they suffer because of relinquishing, they feel to blame, for the world says things like this about woman who are preyed upon, “What a slut, she should’ve kept her legs shut?”, or “You chose to sleep with that boy, you made your bed now lay in it”. Who started this ignorant shit? Like have you never had that feeling of attraction? Yeah? Well, God made that! And we go around calling girls sluts for falling into having sex ,which is part of this scenario here, or we can put on our big people pants and educate the masses! We are daft. I mean education is the key. But we feel that battle numbers and math are way more important to educate our children? While the world goes on in ignorance about the one thing that keeps this going.

But the Adoption industry is as ignorant as they come, or are they? And Adoptees have the upper hand. Why? WE have the data. Yep, we have the raw data about what this experience is like. Oh yeah, and what we got to say is so life changing. But the challenge is this, we have to unleash our tongues. Yeah, we do. You know unleashing that tongue that chose to be silent for fear of rejection? Yeah, that tongue. And to get still and really look at your pain. Let it speak to you and tell you what to say. It’s the only way out of this lie. We must speak our truth about it. Like jews who were tortured, and lived to tell there stories so that we won’t do that again, but we have continued to do it again and again. And the very people who can stand up and change it they are silenced slaves who have no heritage per say, feeling forgotten by a creator, now is our time to strike.

For the Billions of perfectly good children and to their Mothers, and families that Adoption ripped up. God has a reason he sends children. And it’s time we really figure that out. And stop trying to hide something that he designed. We must look at our actions here on this planet as a spiritual classroom as well and this is a lesson we must pass to proceed to the promised land of plenty we want to get back too. There are many things we need to learn. But this one is on my plate to teach. So here I go, just gonna start and not worry about being all together. It will come together as I go and it will make perfect sense. If you are reading this and trying to learn and figure out what i say, then keep coming in and reading what I say, because Adoptions complicated and takes years to understand. And now is the time to spill the data for sure. More children are exploited by this very thing each year and if your don’t stop and listen to me it could be your daughter who is touched by it and your grandchild who is separated from you. I do not want that for you, for it is painful.

The crimes against Mothers is just as heinous. Why? Oh, because those Mothers were taken advantage of. At young ages many of these mother are desperate. What are they desperate about? Well, let me tell you what they are desperate about? They are desperate about their reputations. Yeah, sound shallow right now in 2016. But today there are woman being preyed upon about his very thing. And it has got to stop! Society put so much on a reputation. And when a woman is caught up in a sexual encounter ; which is in fact a natural and normal thing, we society have made it sick and disgusting. Not God, he ordained it. WE with our free wills have distorted something that is precious and worthy. And woman I feel need to educate themselves and to educate their daughters to go against the tide of this world right now, for a change is needed. Woman are being preyed upon right now. And we have given this world the power. So it is time to take it back. And to clean up this mess society as a whole has made. Mothers need to embrace the children that the world made them believe was a mistake, as far as I can see, God makes NO MISTAKES. But we in our finite minds think we know what’s going on here, we do not. But I know this one thing, and I am talking about it. It hurts.

And woman gets pregnant after having an awesome ordained experience with a man God created and now her life is in the trash can or soon to be if she doesn’t get rid of that thing that now grows inside her? Sounds kind of stupid like that doesn’t it? Yeah it does, But this is going on everyday still. Everyday, some poor girl who just wants to be loved and sexual intimacy is love, and will get pregnant and not know it, and then the pain starts. The tug of war starts about what she did and what she’s just opened her self up to, and people will tell her horror stories about it so she will not show up for her calling.  Why do we have to make them pay for something that God designed? Like we are fucked up as a species. Other species just go with the flow, but no we with the free will don’t even know what free will is? We hold free will like a sword and wield it around and cut things up that are perfectly good, and call it our right. Then when we have to look at what we have done, and we still run and hide. Thinking God will strike us down? But what God wants is for us to learn. Children are the most important thing here. Jesus spoke about that.*  He said suffer the little ones to come unto me. And if the son of the Creator of the universe says it, we should listen. Lets look at it even if we take God out of it. Lets just look at this like scientists. What adoption is doing to this planet is confusing the design of it for sure. WE are perverting this place with our untrained minds and rampant fleshly reasonings. It is time to stop the train and have a pow wow and get it straight. And I feel this his happening right now. In this 2016 we will see more adoptees come forward with their truths, they re strong and they will do this, so get ready world. The data is coming in about this and you’re not going to like it, but we must learn and do better, we must.

Look around you. The universe is showing us how to be. WE think that we with our finite minds alone can make this world great. We take the scriptures and use it like a right to say that we are the ruler of this planet, that this planet summits to us. WE are so ignorant indeed. For Mother Nature with one felt swoop can wipe us all out and start over. So we need to pay attention these days, for many things are coming to light. Adoption is one of them dear to this Universes heart. And we better do something about changing is. Because the Universe, God, and Mother Nature are not very happy hearing all these orphans crying for their Mothers. In fact the prayers have reached the Ears of their creator. And we are letting warmongers like the Adoption industry go instructing woman to give up their babies to atone for their actions. People!  We have it all wrong.

This blog is an example of what Adoption does to a person. And as you read, you see how upsetting it is. And I did not clean it up for you like most folks do. I wrote on here from my heart which has been bleeding, for years!!! Years! And I tried to tell my Adopted Mom, she didn’t want to hear it, she had nothing she could do about it, even thought she signed a legal document to do just that. I have tried to get to my Mother to hear me, but she’s been sold a faulty bill of sale too. She thinks adopting is fine too, but now she thinks she has given birth to an insane child, because I spoke out about how I felt. She’s mad at me? Or she thinks she mad at me, but the truth is she mad at herself. i don’t particularly want that. But the very struggle we have shows she was misinformed too. For Mothers love their children, but mine still thinks I am a mistake? Who told her that? Society! Society told her that I was a mistake.Thanks Society! You’re such a bitch! I will get you for sure. How? I will get you with Knowledge. For knowledge is power folks. And my Moms are not filled with knowledge about me. But they have a gapping hole of ignorance.

I love my Moms. Don’t get me wrong. But ignorance in a family like this is just not acceptable by me the one affected by it. When you get pregnant you read about your child and the pregnancy.The prospective mom is getting ready for her job as a mom. I love how God designed it to be on the job training while your little bundle of joy is bing built right inside you?  But the info has been tainted for adoptees. And we need to shut this shit down and I mean now! Adoption is torture. Adoption is the worst prison camp. For children must be imprisoned and their rights taken away so they can live? Their heritage and personal information withheld from them, they must go on with a half download from their Mother About this world, and we get to know our Mothers while inside them. Science is in that we actually can recognize our mOthers speech patterns. But we take that half a download and and our wits about us and we hit the floor running at life. No comfort, no hugs from the Mother who made them. We love another Mother, a replacement. Our Moms only showed up for half the job, society said she could just not do what God called her too.

But we are not even given intelligent answers as to why our Mothers have done this? And that does not diminish the value of a woman who showed up, but expresses that the bond of child is to its own Mother is unbreakable. Folks we have to look at this. I demand it as my birth right here. No child should have to go on without the Mother the universe gave them. Its just insane! I am not talking about children who have lost a mom to death of course these children deserve a person to love and nurture them, but they had a mom and the one difference in children who’s moms has died and those who are just given up is that they are aloud to mourn that loss, hell adopted kids who’s moms just gave us up aren’t even given counseling for our loss, because our mothers have not been educated. And I feel that lies on the Industry that has done this to us. Maybe we need some Errin brocavich Up in this bitcha nd we all we go sue their sorry asses and be done.

There is a way. And God is showing me. But Adoptees must be strong and take back what the Adoption Industry has taken from us. Our Families are important to us.  Our Mothers who do not realize how important they are to our wellbeing. These woman have been brain washed tot believe that they can pass the child inside them to another if they don’t want it. They are right in the fact of it, but wrong in the doing of it. For to do so causes such disruption in our Eco system, the Eco system of the family and of our species. WE suffer each day, that is an energy is it not? And yet it does unnoticed and untended to by those involved with it. Children are misunderstood each day. And there little hearts don’t know what to say, they could be rejected again by the new family if we tell them we want our Mommy’s, our real Mommy. A child who has been separated from it’s Mother does not act like one who has not. And those who have not experienced this can not fathom what its like. I work to educate you with my words. And I am very raw, for that is the only way to make you see.

The way it to confront it. To hit it head on. We must be strong and we are. For the rejection has already happened and it will not happen again, only if you reject your self. Our Mothers could not protect us from this Monster. But we can, by stomping it out. It is our time Adoptees and I am encouraging you all to get a blog and for us all to link up our stories. Lets clasp ourselves together with our pain and stand together to show the world our ugly inner wounds that this gave us? We can do this together and be Mothers to our selves. I know this will break the spell of Adoption. For like slavery, we need to be set free. We need to be set free to love our Mothers, and to stop being shamed for doing so. To love your Mother is to love yourself.

The way is through the mind, and adoptees intel is the intel to break the spell. For Mothers have been told one thing, and they hold to that. Why? Because that is the only way for them to go on and live. But the universe or God has shown me another way. Through it. WE must share our pain, Mother and child. And no one gets out. And Mothers do not get out of this. There efforts or lack of effort is recorded here. And they are not able to hide, for they have entered a public arena by engaging in a legal process to relinquish us. So, to run is not the right direction. The right direction is at the child, and the child towards the Mother. But this will take work. The key is to show up. That is all.

We cannot go into this with expectations. We must abandon the stories we told to survive. And embrace the pain within, for it’s there. And to deny it is futile and useless. WE are all in pain. Lets come clean. I can see it in my Mothers eyes, and in their voices. And to run from pain is like acting like a ferrel cat. WE get spooked and we run, block, you name it. But what needs to be done to heal this is to turn, and run the other way, towards each other. And that is gonna take time too. But time spent with a child is time well spent. The key is to do it. We need to stop worrying about this or that. Just dive in and go. Send cards and call each other, fight and work it out. Tell your truths to each other and cry it out. Time is a wasting, and there is a limit. Get the shit out, get the pain out, and know that it’s not anyones fault, it just is a bad idea, and it needs to stop.

I personally don’t want to have my time be up and not be working on this. My Mother is very important to me, for it was her blood that was given to me, her DNA in me, and just because she’s been brainwashed does not mean I lack love for her. I love her still and am not going to give up on either of my Mothers. I am going to educate them about their most precious daughter.

So lets roll our sleeves up and get to healing this.

I will be writing more about my ideas, please share yours too. WE all need to come together with all our Adoptee experiences so that we can come to a more clearer knowledge of what is, so we, yes we can change this. For we know the truth and to not do something is to allow it to perpetuate. Time to take responsibility for what our parents did and clean it up.

*Matt 19:13Then some children were brought to Him so that He might lay His hands on them and pray; and the disciples rebuked them. 14But Jesus said, “Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” 15After laying His hands on them, He departed from there.

Luke 9:62

Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”
Ps. 27:10

9Do not hide Your face from me, Do not turn Your servant away in anger; You have been my help; Do not abandon me nor forsake me, O God of my salvation! 10For my father and my mother have forsaken me, But the LORD will take me up.Hosea 4:6

King James Version (KJV)
6 My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected knowledge, I will also reject thee, that thou shalt be no priest to me: seeing thou hast forgotten the law of thy God, I will also forget thy children.