The Fog appears to be lifting

Talked to my Bio Mom, and something happened. A change. A shift. I have been working on updating her for months now, years. And it is hard work. There are so many expectation about what adoption is, means, and what it is to be? I mean we all get told something, right? And is that really the whole truth without an Adoptees real time, down and dirty, research, from experience?

How can my Mama really know the truth without my truth? And that is what all this is about. Messy, yes. And it is truly a labor of love. I have two Mothers, one who is visible, and one who has been invisible. And the invisible one is part of my psyche.

Psyche is the Mind, Body, Spirit combination that we all are. And well, relationships are part that psyche. When a relationship with your own Mother is compromised, it affect you all the way. And to go on without proper updates and such is not conducive to a healthy psyche. Many do go on, and live. But their well being is comprised in totality, they live, but not to the fullest extent. What we wrestle with is our ideas of each other. We struggle to adjust from all the misinformation we received apart? And when you get back together, you must purge those ideas that do not serve.

Many Bio Moms live with guilt, and shame. They hide it, yep. But when a child given away at birth comes home? They are like a beacon, they hone right in on those subtle and destructive energies. Why? Because children heal you, that is why?

Science has shown that children can heal a mothers body while in her womb. That is amazing! But children can heal a broken heart too. One that was broken many years ago. After relinquishment. I am working to show you how I am doing it. I hope you glean from my experience, and work to heal the tear in your own family psyche.

God designed us to stay with our parents, and then to grow up and move on. But when you are separated at birth, there is an unspoken rule, which is to reunite. As I see it, we are way off course if we are not supporting those reunions. For children are gift to the ones they are given to. And if that gift is refitted and not open and enjoyed, well, it is like an unopened gift from a king? Not a good thing to just do that.

I do know that God wants us back. My story is one of restoration.  But that did not come free. I had to dig in, and do the work to escalate the old out, and make room for new.

 

I will tell you the shift after this week. Pray for my Mother and I. I am cutting new ground for us, by just pushing through and past all that goop. Love will win out.

What Adoptees need is full circle. And we must educate our Mothers and Fathers to the truth if we wish to succeed. This does matter to the nation of Adoptees. It matters to me to see my people heal. So I do this for us. To start the conversations to heal.

I hope you find comfort and hope in my willingness to be the fool, so we can learn. xo

Emails to my Mother

Ok, if I have to put up with this trying to get back home. You guys can look at this ugly mess too. This is really what it looks like in my world to reunite with  my Mama. Let us read and learn. I am not saying what right and wrong is anymore. I am saying what is. And no body knows what is right except the child. The Mother, is programed to feel and think a certain way, the only way out of that mental mess is education. Let us begin.

 

To Change!

This below is from My Birth Mother. We have been fighting.The fight is about us trying to talk about our pain. And I am talking, she is fighting and not accepting what is showing up. I hope that this can help folks to heal. I do this for those who want to get ready to meet their child again. And for those that need to forgive themselves, and for those that still feel their babies are mistakes. WE grow up. WE have hearts. And they beat for our Mothers. WE may not like the woman this world made our Mothers have to be, but we. still love them. And those that love each other, fight to see and to be seen.

As I see it, she is very polar. And what i mean is, one way or the other. And that is common these days. If someone says something that you don’t understand, some people fight it, and think that their view is true. I do not prescribe to my own truth, but tell mine so we can adjust.

What I mean is to come to a complete truth, which includes hers and mine and a more complete truth. For my truth is mine, but hers can change mine, and my view point? It is like we are in trees and I yell out, ” This is what I see!” And then she should yell out, “Well, this is what I see”. But what we do is, or many people do, and my Birth Mother is, saying, “That is so not the truth!”, From her tree, she is trying to tell me what I see from my tree matches what she sees from her tree? How can she know my view? Without coming up in my tree? Which after 23 years! I have not been able to even begin a foundation, she burns it down. Now, I can see that is about her.

I have done this, and that. And put up with this and that. I mean my sisters could give a rats ass about me. And thy mutter some nonsense about how I act. And there was a time that I did not act like this. I was willing and wrote letters and looked for signs that they would accept me. I saw only one who tried. But in the end did not have what it took to cross over our fragile bridge. My Mother and the world had programed her to damn me too. Like Queen Elizabeth I was removed from my family of origin and raised in a distant place. But as we can see, she was someone really special, and what that shows is we all are special. All of us. Yes, you, even if you gave a child away, are special and your child is special too. Fuck what they said about you. God is not swayed by social opinion. Jesus told the woman who was caught in adultery, “Where are your accusers?, Go and sin (which means to miss the mark), no more, Neither, do I condemn the.  That is a paraphrase. And it makes sense to me. God is for us. And even like this, me and my Mama are loved always, so our fights are just to people trying to be seen, and we adjust each time.

Birth Mama’s email-

This is the last time I am responding to you. You have NO IDEA what my thoughts were or are!! Contrary to your mind—you cannot read my mind! If you are saying actions speak louder than words then look in the mirror? Look at yours! You love to put me down for thoughts and things that I have not even come close to thinking.
Just because Chelsie was born of you does not mean she is like you. She is fighting not to be! She gets it and she is loving and kind.
The knife in my hand was one I was bringing home from MY cooking class. I took it in to do prep work!! I do not go around with one in my hand!
Do you ever read what you write? Condense your thoughts. And do not throw God into this. He does not sanction actions such as yours. He is a loving God !
This is pointless. You keep saying you are done and then come right back. I answered you to provide the info you requested not to get in a shooting match and being put down by you once again! Take your hostility and anger someplace else and I do not need to read your mind to recognize it!!

Sent from my iPhone

 

Below is what I sent back. And I have not edited this. So be kind in the sense that this is hard to expose for people to see and learn. I do this for us all to raise the consciousness. Thank you, it does matter that you are here. And my numbers each day are encouraging me to go on. To pierce the veil that separate us all from seeing, Adoption is not a solution, it is a problem.

 

Hello-

Thank you for a response at all. It is not really like I have asked you a lot of questions you know? And we don’t really even have some common ground, nor content for you to understand this child. And yes, like you I get all polar and try to pull away. But this is what I see. I can not. And the bond we have is staring us both in the face. And we both need to accept that we are just fish out of water and don’t get each other at all? We have changed. I am more like a wild version of you. And it is hurtful you chide me about being wild? I just know this. Your the woman that made me. And a child’s heart is always for their Mother, even when she seems to act like a strange, er. You do act strange. So do I. But I hold to the truth, like a mast at sea. You are my true North, if you can’t help me no one can.
Why do you tell me to go to strangers all the time? I went with this woman? Isn’t that enough? I have learned to love her in my own way. She will never be you. I have let go of my raising, and am trying to integrate it all, You, her, my family heritage, and my medical history. It is a lot to do alone. She really does not know any other way than me, like this. All crazy. She does not care. But my children and you all, see me another way? She does not care how I am. And it is not very nice of you to have such expectations on me, since you sent me to her?

And Chelsie. That was hurtful. And yes I see that. I know why my Daughter struggle with me. For I am a freak. This has made me this way, to you, now to them. And they are ashamed of me. The world told me not to find you, but I did not listen. I am a gift, from God. And when you die, you will be able to see my like I really am, inside, where you can not see. I try to show you, but like a child trapped in a body that does not work right, here I am. I feel like a Gay person coming out. I feel like a autistic child trapped in a body that makes me look like a clown. And you show me that.

I have seen the truth. I am a freak. Thank you. I already knew.

Belinda

I show you a side no one has seen, but maybe my children. I love my Adopted Mother, it is hard to say the truth, and how it felt. But I have lied to long. I miss my Mother so bad, my heart is broken. And shame on you for trying to make me feel guilty for a natural feeling! Damn it all!

I just want to heal. I want to clear the weeds away, and what I mean by weeds is the thoughts that keep us strangers, my Mother and me.   I desire to just let all this out, so I can come to ground Zero with this. I love everyone, but he way we are playing this game, private adoptions, Adoptions, Foster care, taking kids away from parents that need education, when we know damn well we are a bunch of lazy ass American and we are ripping children lives apart, to do what? Stop a moral dilemma? This madness must stop. I am calling a wake up call!

 

I call bullshit! Adoptions nothing more than human trafficking, and taking our civil rights away is despicable. I am just getting started. I you can’t keep up with this, maybe you should be adopted. LOL It makes your brains spin and whirl around trying to figure it all out, and NO ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT! NOT EVEN MY BIRTH MOTHER. MY  MANUFACTURER. NO LIFE TIME WARRANTY HERE FOLKS. I AM FUCKED IF YOU DON’T HELP ME.

I want my Mothers to be friends, like they really are, in public. I want them to walk arm and arm. They are best friends. My Adopted Mom raised me without even knowing my MOM. That is amazing! And for the good of the child, me, who is still living. I feel that they need to meet to bring it full circle. And like my baby says, drink some tea, like we used to.

I wish to be civilized, but when being treated like this by  you won Mother, well, you can imagine my dismay, and disgust. Being Adopted makes you, or makes me tough. I resurrected my inner Mama, and she a badass. My Mama does know who she talking to, it is her, from he 60’s.

I used to not cuss. And God showed me it was intent, and that I needed to get this all out, and that grace would cover this, that I had trapped, for lack of a place to go with this kind of information. And now I do. I just am not going to be something that I am not, when my own Mother treats me like a vagrant, a baboon, a slut, and piece of shit on her door way.

She tells me my baby is Precious, but I am not?

 

Each day I wake, and I am going to film it so you can see me in the morning, when I am crying as I wake again to a day that I do not have her in my life. It is a thorn in my side. And to have her think of me in these ways. I am unable to hold it in any longer.

 

Thank you for showing up. Thank you for being a witness to my life. You matter. I am praying for us all to get back what is ours. I want to change this world to make it safe for all babies. Our civil rights need to include the unborn child. And God placed me in her for a reason. If my Adopted Moms was supposed to have me? I think God can find her tummy? Dont you think? Are we saying we are  God know? And we can interpret Gods ways? LOL

Let  us educate them, it is the only way out of ignorance. As we can see shooting get attention, but do not educate. They only point at an issue, or a person. And then we have to figure out why? Why do we not just speak and not take it to the  physical level? It is about what is inside the mind that we all want to change anyway.

 

 

Adoption reality, Time to clean up this mess

You know being adopted is such a chore. We need to self edit to not step on anyones toes. What about our toes? They are stepped on all day long?

 

Our rights removed. Our family history removed, hidden. We must work to find each and every family member that we hold dear? Our families think we are crazy. We don’t talk like them. Hell, we are all different. This world made it that way. What do you think is going to happen?

Babies learn a language inside you. And then have to go learn another one. What are we doing? IT is any wonder why my brain runs circles around yours? You only have one mom?

To block a child is to block yourself. A child is a gift. So all you Mama’s out there!? You got unopened packages. And now you got to clean up the weeds between us all, so we can restore what this ignorant world cooked up as a cure for a moral dilemma, that  God did not make? Why in the hell does the church hold onto a filthy rag like that? Why?

Read this-

Babies only hours old are able to differentiate between sounds from their native language and a foreign language, scientists have discovered. The study indicates that babies begin absorbing language while still in the womb, earlier than previously thought.

Sensory and brain mechanisms for hearing are developed at 30 weeks of gestational age, and the new study shows that unborn babies are listening to their mothers talk during the last 10 weeks of pregnancy and at birth can demonstrate what they’ve heard.

http://www.washington.edu/news/2013/01/02/while-in-womb-babies-begin-learning-language-from-their-mothers/

You see that part about language? Yeah, we have taken a hit at our language center, and it split. We run two programs simultaneously. We maintain two relationships. It does not stop. We wrestle with two mothers. One we see, one who is within the very fiber of our being. God knit her in for a reason. And we must reunite, it is by design. Our bodies have lived to return. So that they can learn, and see the gift that God gave to them, and that the world told them to give away. We must stop this by educating folks. We must.

We are born, and when we are born, we have a dialect. And then have to go home to learn a new one. Do you see how upsetting this is the psyche of the child? It is like overwhelming. And our brains are overloaded. but we cope, with little to no help. No medial history to refer to? No Mothers face to mirror with to understand ourselves? it is torture that needs to stop. And education is the only way.

It is like trying to load android apps into an iPhone. But we are expected to do this. When the truth is right in front of us? No one can do that? The programing won’t let it couplet the down load or even begin? With a world gone mad. We must educate these folks about what they do that they do not know they do? Like Jesus, we must break the silence and pull the veil back.

Read this-

http://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/babys-cells-can-manipulate-moms-body-decades-180956493/?no-ist

A world that is nothing more than a living psychosis, when we can not even see what we do for lack of knowledge.

Psychosis refers to an abnormal condition of the mind described as involving a “loss of contact with reality”. People with psychosis are described as psychotic. People experiencing psychosis may exhibit some personality changes and thought disorder. Depending on its severity, this may be accompanied by unusual or bizarre behavior, as well as difficulty with social interaction and impairment in carrying out daily life activities.

This definition is nothing more than a label. But this world is living psychosis, why? We have not woken them up from the dream they live in, thinking this is a solution.

We are not the crazy ones. This world is, for making children pay such a high price, for a moral dilemma Jesus himself had to deal with. Hello! Like he was what this world would call us unwanted, illegitimate child. He did not come when the marriage license ink had dried. He was out of order. Or was he? Hello!  Anyone see that one? It is the same old story, with another kids name. And Jesus came to change that. To change how people treated each other. Look at his sermons. Look at how he treated the Samaritan woman? He let her off scott free? No punishment as we do today? No lashing? No rocks? NO bars? He told her Not to sin, which is to miss the mark, because she was not living honestly. She was saying one thing and doing another.

Look at how he treated woman? A woman was the first at the door, the one who bathed his feet? Jesus is the actualized man. Buddha was actualized. WE all can be actualized. What it means is we take our place in this world as sons and daughters of this world. Not just our parents and the little pools of consciousness we come from?

The words and views express here are from an Adoptee. No editing, except spelling. And then again I may miss some of that. I am not writing in any other style then how I think, to illustrate how an adoptees brain things and show you. If you think I am crazy? Well, this made me that way. Cuz I am just like you, but had to live some fairy tale. Reality is subjective anyway, to the person experiencing it. I will not conform any longer to an ideal that is insane. I want my Mother back. But she’s full of the bull shit the world told her I was. Like boats on the sea, she is like a indian on our land that could not see Columbus’s boats approach, having never seen boats before. They could not see them until the shaman came and pointed them out.

I am a shaman for my people. Pointing out the boats that float right in from of your face about this issue. And they are not imaginary. WE are real. And our feeling are real. And you, don’t know shit about what we feel. This is my story. Excuse me for being so blunt, they took me from the Mommy I loved and love, at two days old. I do not appreciate that. And She still does not see the blessing I am, cuz of all this shit.

 

I have two cysts on my liver. And am working on getting out what I learned before it is to late. None of us know when we have to go. I want to make a difference for my kids. I still don’t know all my history, I can’t even talk to my Mom she’s so jacked up.

 

Thank you for reading and sharing my story. Education brings knowledge.

Knowledge is power.

Family Health HIstory

The saga continues for an Adoptee without a proper health history.

 

Below is the Facebook message I sent my cousin. We met on Facebook. And things looked like I might have an advocate, but, one trip from my Birth Mother stopped that. In it’s tracks. I post it here to show you what it is really like, unedited. I hope you will share this story. And I pray it will wake us up.

_____________________________________________________________

Hello- Gonna try one last time to get through. Things have been really weird. Yes. And I have been acting erratic yes. And as an adoptee, who does not have her proper medical history, and who’s never had privy to it. I am not here to fight as you all are coming back at me. This is my truth. But my health is an issue. I just want someone from my family to help me. I feel alone, my Adopted Mother does not understand me? She is well, she just accepts me like this. It is all of you that have made me aware of whatever your saying. And I try to understand, but my Adopted Mom did not know another way but how I am? And it is very hurtful how you all have treated me like a leper. I don’t know what my Mother told you when she came down to see you and drove past me? And then lied and said she did not know how to find me? And that is mean and hurtful? But I have these cyst on my liver. And I am trying to get to the bottom of this history and mystery called my family history and medical history. This is so cruel to do to people, all cuz I was not conceived with a licensed to do so. If I sound crazy, this world made me this way? Why am I punished? I work to figure out where I get cyst from? And Mama is susceptible to staph, which is linked and cousins to syphilis? Did you know that?
Staphylococcus is one of the sexually Transmitted diseases many people disregard as serious problem in life. Other sexually transmitted diseases that can reduce immunity and give birth to staphylococcus are:- Genital warts, Syphilis, Trichomoniasis, Gonorrhea and Yeast infections.
Please read this.
And if this is true, I have it too. Not ok. I want to be tested, but I want my family present. My Mother to be exact. Now! I have not asked for her before. And this is so confusing, yes. But, I am family.
Our grandfather, died of this. We must stop it from continuing in my children. Now I have been trying to get through, but well, Mama’s not really educating herself about these things like I am. I went to school for the sciences, I did not finish, due to being a mother of three on welfare and was broken down and sick. I have been dealing with illness my whole like. This is info I should have had. But it can be what I have now? IF people could just stop being so stubborn and bullheaded? I will not apologize for showing you what I see. If you want to show me what you see? I have taken it and still come back. I just want my whole life back. Heritage, medical history and my Mother. Without all that shit the world told her. Can you please help me?

 

_________________________________________________________________

If it is sexually transmitted, my Dad died from it.

 

This is the mess Adoptions creates. God knows what she/he is doing. We must stop this micro management of the gifts (children) he/she gives to us. No child should have to live like this. NO child. We must make this world safe for us all. We must.

I go back to the Pain

I go back

Back to the pain

WE meet there

You and I

And we play

In a field full of flowers

You whisper to me

Of the love with no bounds

You come to me there

In my dream

You carry me

You carry me

Or you I carry you?

This life is so strange

They let me see you

But this glass wall

I stand and I pound

God let me in!

But you don’t see me out here

Or do you? AM I you?

The wall long gone

I have grown now

I come to call you

From the dream we shared

You and I

For I have come

Your soul so loudly called to me

For our souls are one

Separations is not real

But our hearts are torn

By this thing I see

So I try, and I try, and I try

To break us free

This life has made me strong

And I want to show you how

Look at me now!

For I found you!

For I found you

Mother dear

And your soul is so weary

From a rough ride

But I have come to give you

I have a torch my dear Mother, my queens

From the heart of your child

Between us three

Can you now see?

Belinda Gayheart-Arnold

Original writing this day is the sole property of the writer above stated

Your desires were met in each thing you did, but mine was denied. And you didn’t know I wanted it, until now. I have two Mothers, and the world and my mother made it so. Woman in the 60 just trying to get out of being a slut or whatever! Have to give up their babies, many at the hands of their own families, and this should not be. I honor my Mothers for their stories have not been told yet except what i speak of. But they are strong. The have carry me  this far. And now is my time to tell it all.

Its not easy living years in secrecy like my Mama did, but she did it for me. And now God has given me the golden scepter to release her from that cage.  No woman should have to hide a child, let alone a jewel like me? LOL Well, lets say I don’t take no shit. When you Mama throws you out on our ear, you hit the floor running. And i would like to slow down the pass is hard on me. And my Mothers. So its time to come clean with my finding as an adoptee and get out. So the world can adjust, and maybe while i am doing this someone else will gain courage from my outrageous statements and unorganized writing and think, “Hey? Maybe I can tell my story?’

Yep, I would love that.

 

 

My Mom’s feeling got hurt when I told her the truth

My Moms feelings got hurt when I told her the truth about how it really felt and she wants me to apologize. And I am for what? You are already hurt Mama. And she can’t seem to see that. That the damage has already been done, but that I work to show her is she was brain washed to feel this way. And that God is trying to heal her.

But the truth is what sets us free. And we must begin there. And her truth and my truth don’t match. Why? Because she got told a bunch of stuff that is not what I experience, that is why. And she’s just digging her heal because she is so detached and my family can’t see because they are brain washed too. And I work to educate them nd bring them all up to speed.

And my sister has done the same thing. She gave a baby away too. So, and he is probably gonna show up soon and no ones ready. And I don’t want him to be rejected too. you see? My nephews feelings are on the line. And everyone tells me it’s none of my business. But this is my family and I will not be sewed away like a stray cat any longer. I am a family member, and am affected by this all day long. It is time to stop and fix it.

My body is getting worse and worse and I feel God is calling me to work harder than ever on this. And that we must reunite fully. And clear up all these misunderstandings between us. My sister makes a grave mistake not telling her kids and I am over worrying about her feelings, I am working on her healing. Her family is ripped apart for a member of her family is missing and is still in the eyes of God, hers, just raised by another. And Mothers need to know this: For they do themselves a determent to live like this. And my Mom has all these walls of thought to help her live with her choice. And we don’t have to do that anymore, I am back and we should be processing our grief, but she’s buried her real deep.

 

Once a Mother, Always a Mother.

 

 

 

My Birth Mother was wounded by relinquishment

My Mother was terrible wounded after relinquishing me. And she is such a strong woman. And both my Mothers got told a big bunch of hog wash. And I am trying to tell them they lied, that they thought they were right, but the truth is they did not tell them the right thing. For the Mother child bond is unbreakable. No one can break that bond. So we must look at this law, for we defy the very nature of this world to go agains the flow of what and how it is design to be. If a Mother was to die, then the child would be allowed to grieve that loss and to honor that Mother. But in Adoptions the child is stripped of their heritage and given another name and family for what? Why are Mothers doing this to their own children? A societal peremeter that has long since lost its worthiness, hell it was never worthy. It rips at the very nature of our how Human and emotional ECO system.

We have perfectly good Mothers giving up babies because of a societal perimeter that needs to change and we need to teach each woman has the right to give birth and that the conception should not be under scrutiny and should be viewed as a sacred calling and should be protected. And as a child caught up in this mess everyones calling God and love. I get that it is a modality, but to what means? And who started this shit anyway? Cuz ,God didn’t? Moses’s Mother saved him from death so he could come back to save his people. Now lets look at that story. Because Moses’s Mother never lost sight of him, she stayed in the tullies and then offered to wet nurse him. Pharaoh’s daughter new she was saving a jew and so was working with Moses mom to save him as well. Each woman was working to keep life, and for the child best good.  But she did not know that she was raising her own families destroyer. That her family was doomed anyway, she was barren. But that God was using this for his good.

So to say that adopting perfectly made children to strangers is not what the creator designed. This is what man had to design to save a child, because a man was trying to kill babies for no reason other than to keep an insane plan alive.

Children have been under attack and are the most vulnerable of us all. And they are being exploited in the name of love and God for profit and it’s hurting us all. Adoption hurts . Plain and simple, but not really it is a complex web of shame, deceit, ignorance, greed and lies to take advantage of undereducated woman who don’t know any better until relinquishment has been completed and then the reality sets in and the wound festers with no where to go. And the fabric of our country is built on a lie that we out of ignorance perpetuate with each adoption that follows.