As a grown Adoptee, as I continue to return as fully as I am able to a healthy relationship with my Mama and family, I can see one blessing about Adoption. I would not be who I am today if Adoption had not rerouted me to learn better.
What I see is my Mama can’t even maintain a conversation with both negative and positive in it. She struggles with negative feedback and to adjust her behavior? I have see that If I don’t talk about what she wants and act like she wants? I am out. I see that.
My Mama is limited in how you can approach her.
And I see that Mama Jean, keeps learning. I see that I am changed because of her. And Negative shit doesn’t keep me down as I try to understand it and work to transform negative shit into some else. Adding shit to the garden makes the plants thrive, I just do that in my relationships. We all have perception differences and boundaries that need bridges. I see that if I had grown up with Mama, she would have ignored me and I would not have had the environment I needed, beyond my Mama. I would not have had a bridge to build from, she would have and has just kept rejecting me, she couldn’t even accept herself? And that is a huge thing I needed to see, Mama’s limits.
Today, my adult self is working with my child to piece this together. I am taking all the shit I went through as a child to nourish my perception of the world I grew up in, a life that was very limited on instructions for a girl abandoned by her Mama. For me coming from such a thing left me mentally reeling, and Mama Jean gives a shit and she gives as many shits as I need! Ok!
I would appreciate it if everyone would realize that she’s heard all this before. And remember this, I love her beyond all my negative and hers, she kept showing up! More than my own Mama could do, or can do now, and that is a miracle that blows me away daily!! She loves me! Like real love that doesn’t care about how I act, look like, or am? People don’t get that about us. We act like cats and fight, but after? We lick each other wounds when no ones around, how? By showing back up for each other and trying again? By Apologizing if needed, by doing for each other, we put her love into action. 32q
She knows how hard it has been for me and us both? We work. No giving up even if all hell breaks loose! We are real. I made sure we were real. MY Mama has no idea what real love is. I won’t say it any other way. Unconditional love is a snow plow. Mama Jean and I work to love each other and blow the conditions away!
I can’t give my Mama credit she didn’t earn. She does not love unconditionally. She has many conditions that must be met to even get her love, she’s empty when it comes to me. I see that. She angry and wounded. I see that. She’s been hiding her wounds by saying its this and that and projecting onto my sisters and whoever is to stupid to realize! My sisters are not stupid, they know the drill. And I see they adapted to it. I don’t imagine they enjoy my Mama actions of blocking anymore than me. I am the only one standing up and confronting her on it publicly, because she should know better. But I see, that without me? She did not know better and this pattern of behavior just got deeper.
She needed a tornado, but not as a baby. She would have not even got that I was unique and amazing. I can see now that she would have abused me with blocking why progress, something Mama Jean did not. She just worked to change a pattern within my DNA that was unforgiving and petulant. We all are like that, it human nature to recoil and block what hurts. Mama Jean and I were both hurt already, torn, she lost children, I lost my Mama, out loss was a glue. I would never take her children place, but I would make them proud? Yes, I believe they are proud of me, those children she lost. I love their Mama here, as they love her within her. Remember, their cells are still there, making cells happens as soon as they began to grow within.
Ive had my view, and I have observed my Mama’s views. Theres was as limited as mine growing up. When you add my view to theirs you get a better scope of the affects that have been caused. I work to help folks also get beyond the negative room to see the colorful picture I paint. This blog is like my mixed media art. It sometimes looks messy, but in the end it is endearing and fun to look at. God art is like that. Its therapeutic, messy, colorful, a process, creative, and helps those who do are to see that creation is messy, but he end result is amazing to see.
Growing up, it felt like people just painted over my first life. And then, they picked the paint loose with all the question and lack of understanding of how it affected me to be painted over like that. My Mama, didn’t like me picking at her white wash, no. But underneath that white wash is something priceless. Something amazing. Mama Jean tried to paint over what she could trying to protect me from what I already felt. She could not hide my Mama’s issue forever from me, but she tried to cover my Mama with love and avoided talking about her at all. My Mama would be and is my issue, her issue is me. She learning that a Mama affect even an Adopted child, and that my slate was not clean when she got me. She’s worked so hard. Shown up tired and cranky, but shown up still.
Even now as my own Mama tests my patiences, I see how patient Mama Jean had been with me. Yes, I see. She has dealt with Linda Marie in me. And she has had a profound affect on me, and Linda in me. I thank God for her even if my body still wants my Mama, my mind and spirit are bonded forever to Mama Jean. Ive had to overcome an old narrative to forge a new one. Mama will always be a part of that new narrative, her role in that narrative is her choice. She’s choosing to opt out again. And that is her right, she’s got a free will ticket to ride and she can get on her pony and ride away. Yes she can. Her choice again. But this time she will know what she does by doing such a thing to herself.
By showing my Mama the affect on me, my light lit up her own affect. She can not deny it now within, she can without all day. But I witnessed the affect, and she can’t stop that affect on me. My own Mama did not even realize the affect Adoption had on her? She just denied it and projected it. But she doesn’t have to live like that anymore. This blog is my inner, outervention. I intervened publicly to out her from the cave of ignorance she was left in without me.
This is how it is. My brain sees patterns. I have seen the patterns in my family DNA. I can identify patterns of behavior, Mama Jean taught me and made sure I learned what I needed to thrive with this gift. She did not always understand, but she kept working to get me to classes and art, and dance, even if I did not keep doing it, she would find something else until she found something that provided me a place to learn that I enjoyed. I am grateful for that. YEs.
My Mama had a very strong mind, which means patterns run deep. She thinks a certain way, and struggles to change. I feel her life experiences have scared her a bit, she clung to the scriptures like a blanket for comfort in the cave of her mind, and struggles to practice the precepts. Mama Jean practices precepts and doesn’t know scriptures is also a pattern I see and has changed me forever!
I saw a lot of guilt in Mama’s eyes. And anger, which just tells me she doesn’t have a clue, meaning, she has not context to draw from to even get whats doing on, so I am taking the time to face the with her. For her edification. She is my business. Remember, I was sent to her first. Mama Jean might have been second? But that did not diminish her value to me, nor limit my capacity to love and appreciate her.
Talking to Mama bout this is like trying to tell a woman she’s got lipstick on her teeth and she just deflects and talks about the weather and does nothing about the lipstick? So silly indeed how human nature gets all out of hand?
Life is a maze anyway, Adoption just makes Adoptees and Adoptive parents have to work harder, its a choice to give up. Many Adoptees give up on the bridge, and blame it on Adoption. Adoptions a mess, yes, but it was there for us. The way is not a nice pony ride, no, but we learned a lot, and should be sharing that data so folks can adjust their view of a simple thing like birth and see. Adoption is a rebirth. All measures should be taken to make sure folks know exactly what they sign up for when Adopting, its not nature. its nurture and must be maintained. ReAdopting should be penalized, abuse should be monitored. Adoptive parents need support, Adoptees need support to thrive. The world needs to change the simple view to see the complexities that Adoptees now voice on social media. Its key.
I could not just feel sorry for my Mama and pat her on the head and give her a pill to go to bed? OK? I don’t expect to do me that way either. I don’t really expect anything from Mama, I am just asking. And I am showing and sowing seeds into her mind that will grow with time and my loving intentions and prayers. Why? Because I can, and am gifted to be able to do such a programing job as to reroute your Mama’s mind to see the love in you, past her anger, loss and pain. My Mama hurt so long she got comfortable numb with a weight in her mind that was huge. Ive been chipping away at the block in Mama’s mind. With time her sight will be restored and she will cry and process it all. I did.
You see? I worked on the mote in my own eye first and then could see Mama. Isn’t that what that scripture is for? its not a deflect? Its a mental muscle flex. Mama Jean helped me see mine, and helped me see how mine where like Mama’s. Easy, no,. it took work and that woman worked. Thank God. I love her for it. She did like that song, She made me love her. LOL.
So please understand, from a complicated life come complicated coping, and adaptation that are new and different, but not bad if you take the time to read and understand.
This blog is my freedom train of thought. I am my own Harriett Tugman, I was a slave to a limited, everyone else side but mine, kind of world. I broke free like a horse let off a leash. Please don’t hate me. This is what we get for ignorance sake, but ignorance can be transformed into wisdom if we faint not for the tests.
Don’t even tell me that what I am doing here is not having an affect on my family dynamics!! I stopped this train and rerouted it.
Don’t even tell me they call can’t feel a change in the air. My words have escape unto the airways and are having an affect. My family was set in their perspective ways? I turned the table over at the temple gates!! Turned them all on their ears about a few things they would appear to want to brush under the proverbial rug? No. We are not going to do that anymore.
And that is a pattern that appears to be quite deeply inset into the minds of my biological family? Old patterns run deep. Witch craft and woo woo. Superstitions and gobble de gook and religiosity run rampant. We can earn our way to heaven. But we can act right until we get there?
Having your family block access to them is cruel and harshly shows the affect of what they were told about me? Am I the one who puts strychnine in the well? My name maybe Anne with and E. Yeah. She never did that why would I? My family has treated me like a psychotic cereal killer who wishes to damage my own Mama? That’s how you all made me feel? Is that what you meant? Does anyone mediate? Maybe Chelsie should step up to her calling and begin mediations for us? Or we all can just begin to speak freely?
Like Victoria called me a cunt one visit? I never popped her in the mouth for that? I think I’ve proven my manors? My son didn’t either but he mentioned she did? What thing to see? That’s what I am pointing out. The actions also of my family when I go visit? Mama made me coffee? Vicki comes in telling me I am Unwelcomed?
I feel like Mama was showing me the issue? Vicki’s having trouble accepting me too? Like wow. It goes on and on until we confront the pattern square in the faces of my family and announce change! Change! Drink up, drink up, move down, move down.
Two sisters avoid. Two sisters confront. Mamas in the middle. The two confronting are at least trying. The other two or lazy. Yeah I am calling you two out. Here. ✋ come on. Let me see what you two got? What are you scared? Come out. Speak. What do you think I am doing here? This is an open discussion. You all just kept it closed off? Step up be heard sisters?
All that college? And Vicki does have more to say? Lol. She got paid for her knowledge and so did Mama and I? Chelsie too? Watch and learn girls as sister baby whips us all together into a yummy stew. I am sure Mamas hungry by now for a meal so sweet? Yeah. She is. I’ll lead Mama? To us all. To the future. To God and Jesus who heal all broken people families and things? If we ask, we receive. I ask for us all.
What’s the deal? What are we all scared of? Change? An amazing new life beyond pain and Mamas grief gone? Don’t tell me you like that shit? No. You all don’t like it? If I don’t like it? You don’t like it either but just won’t say so for fear? See? Fear again? It’s all over this and I bring faith in our humanities to do better. Toot sweet!
I rocked myself
I rolled around to sooth myself.
Maybe? My Mama acts high functioning Aspergers a lot. Her vocabulary seems limited to a certain language. A lot of bible verses for sure. She’s not real social. If you had to drive to get to her house you’d get what I mean? It’s like she lives in a thicket of roads going this way and that. If you first go to her place you need a map or gps.
She is OCD. She told me that. And I really want to say it ok. Like Temple says we need all kinds of minds. I really feel and maybe I am wrong? But I’m pretty spot on so far, per my Mama telling me I hit all her buttons. But I feel that maybe Mamas hid this too. And I believe she needs to embrace herself completely. I have.
Listen going to the dark side of a subject only means the lights get turned on so we can see. I have shined the light into my Mamas mind that was shaded by a bunch of bullshit, I scooped and pointed it out, tagged it, bagged it, and given her a full blow by blow about it as I go along cleaning her mind out. Like a tornado, I whirled that lady around and have her a make over like no other. Now. She can see her beauty through me. She can see what’s not hers in others too.
She can be my Mama as best we can now. We will define that new role as we go and make our own history that we can celebrate. Differences can be celebrated and so can commonalities. And it’s high time we celebrate them both while we all still have this chance to make a new play for our collective family.
I think it’s exciting. I mean everyone’s got shit. Thrivers put shit on the garden and make a meal to make more better shit to poop. Lol. Life. Mamas needed to be rid of this shit long ago but I was sent on a detour so I could do better.
Accepting what is doesn’t keep the same thing going. Accepting what is helps one see where one is, so that they can make a new choice. I’m not sure anyone’s been as honest as me to Mama? It’s not an easy job letting her down easy. I do believe I was easier on her than she was with me?
I see patterns too. Patterns that can change.
The word says that god has not given us a spirit of fear, but power, love and a sound mind.
So, who or where does fear come from and what exactly is fears purpose?
I’ve known that fear is a false sense for years. How to handle it is everyone’s job.
Some project their fears.
Some stuff them
I face them head on. I learned to do that the day I was born. I face the fear of loosing Mama. And chose to have faith and to be brave to get her back.
Fear and what if are friends. But faith is friends with what if too.
Like, “what if everyone’s wrong?”, “would if it’s all a big misunderstanding?” What it Mama does love me?” ” what if she’s scared?”
I think to myself, ” why not believe for the best?”, “this is the worst, why not try to straighten Mama out?” ” what if she knew what this was like?, maybe she could change her mind and see it differently?”
If fear is not of God then what is fear and where did it come from?
What I’ve found out about fear? Is fear is instinct. Instinct to run when we don’t understand and are sacred. People fear what they don’t understand. Like gay marriage. And sex without a license especially if a baby come from it? People have sex all the time without a license to conceive a legitimate baby? My Mama got caught holding the baby bag back in the day which was a no no. According to the church doctrine of the day, Mama was a bad girl who was a rebel.
Fear came to call on my Mama back then. And I had to go for fear sake. But fears not of God, so god brought me home to her to teach her a lesson about faith. Fear, would pack up and leave after my words hit her brain. Fear would have no place to hide within my Mama, god made sure I would succeed by teaching me to face my own fears without her. I overcame my biggest fear three years ago by facing my fear of rejection from her.
What I learned was that Mama rejected herself back then, she just attached it to me. Blamed it on me and my Daddy and other reason she added as she went along life’s way without me. I came back to set her straight. It’s the most loving thing to do. Mamas feared to long her own rejection so deep she could not see it until she looked at me. She could not see her own anger until she saw it in me? And I faced my fear as she faced her, and I did not let go of her as we walked the road to faith together.
Her every fear was false. I prove that.
If a person sees fear and anger in a child made from love? Yeah. She was loaded with fears. So I went to hunting inside Mamas head to shoot those fears down after exposing them to my light. You know it’s funny how instinctual it was seeing Mamas fears. I cried with her as she woke up to what she had down and what I felt about it. It was not easy seeing Mama living a lie and waking up to the truth. But I did not give up on her. I believe in her as much as I believe in God within her.
The church can call a fear. Pray about a fear. God and god’s words rightfully spoken can arrest a fear to change it to faith. It’s deep what God has me doing with and for my Mama and me. Which includes the whole family.
The benefit of this healing of fear will set us all free and is setting us free of fears as we all face it together publicly. It’s liberating. When you just let go and trust that what god thinks and what we each think is more Important than what anyone else thinks about it?
I do care about what my Mama thinks? Yes. So I took my time, time I can not get back and spent it on her. To change her mind like a radio station. I jammed her station so she would change it, I made her ears bleed in regards to her old station of choice. Like a trumpet. Like Gideon. I made those walls and lies fall with my song of truth.
Mama could not see me or hear me for the old stations blaring over the top of such a song of love? Yes. There was tragedy? I lost my Mama so young? And I never really got to mourn and accept that a loss what’s had. I feared rejection if I told of my loss and love for my own Mama beyond Mama Jean? It’s like if I love my own Mama, I am not supposed to love my Adopted Mama and Visa versa. Or I don’t have enough love for both and I call bullshit!
I’ve worked hard to love and respect them both and have felt very disrespected by them for not even giving me credit? All they see is there shit in me and that’s tragedy. They need to see what I did with their shit? I spread it all over and changed a bunch of people. Shit on a garden makes yummy veggies and fruits to eat. I’ve nourished my life by learning about my Mamas shit and have taken the time to address it.
No one just leaves shit all around. It stinks up the place. Mental shit too. It stinks up stuff and must be addressed and used properly to grow new things. When we learn from our shit we grow mentally and spiritually. That’s what I have learned without my Mama around?
That my Mama thought and believed that I would never come back to her is astounding. That took a minute to take in? I was shocked? It was like a glitch? I write here to get the word out that children go home. Please change your mindset about it. It’s in our nature to do so? It’s instinct too.
Facing fears is the only way to grow. Facing my Mamas was the biggest fear. And it was hard on us all. But I believe facing fears is best. Stuffing only causes issues that in the end must be faced so why not just face it. I feel many health issues are rooted in fear. Trusting is hard that’s a fact.
But do we just give up and let fear take us over or are we supposed to use faith to gain trust in a higher power and shred fear? I say steed fear and gain clod hard facts hard won with faith and trust in a God, universe that is love?
Yes. We see fear all day like a wet blanket taking the faith right out of folks? Do we just lay down and die wet and fearful? Is that what scripture says? No. I say? To solve any equation one must do the work. I’ve done the work and continue to do and show my work. Why?
Because I know that is my light in a world filled with dark fears. Darkness is just ignorance.
My feelings about darkness is this, pay attention while the lights are on. The teacher always turns the lights out during the test. Remember where things are and feel your way through the rest, be brave and maintain faith in the face of doubt and disbelief keep your head. Love is what we solve for. And I was like a dead woman going home. Written off yet still alive and kicking. I found home with God’s help. Rocked my Mamas world. She rocked mine for 9 months. I rocked myself from the day I was separated from her. I don’t like hugs much. I long for hers.
In my mind? A good daughter does all she can to help her Mamas to be their best. Out with the old and in with the new!! Bleach it if it’s dirty! Throw it out if you can’t find another use for it. Recycle reuse if possible. Give to those who have less than you. I changed that one. Give to anyone God tells you to.
There comes a time in every girl’s life when she stand up to her Mama. I’ve got two to stand up to and for. They haven’t felt to built up lately because I’ve been tearing somethings down to build better. My Mamas egos went out the door for sure. Yes. We all at some point need to look at our negative feedback. I feel that to have me
Guide them through theirs has been very kind and understanding of me? I guess they thought they had breezed it? Yeah woe. My report does count? I’m grown and my feedback is key to Adoptions true feedback.
I feel I have had plenty of time to review Adoption and how it felt being so? Yes. I have a right to report my findings even if my Mamas don’t like the negative feedback? To limit the truthfulness by withholding the negative leaves Adoption oblivious of its true affect on The Adoptees. To withhold my full feedback would leave the numbers off and an out of date view point about something that is so popular. As Adoption?
We must look at the negative feedback to make sure this is truly good for all involved? A revue is truly needed that includes all reviews as valid and needed. . And a good look at revenues from Adoption business. Let’s face it, Adoption is a business of trafficking children to who ever! And not a business keeping folks together? But a business paid to rip us apart?
What are we doing folks? I Belinda Jean ask? A woman who grew up Adopted would like it to
Change. I would not wish to have anyone live like I lived growing up confused and longing for a home and feeling guilty as hell because of it? I had to learn better to have better than what Adoption gave me to work with? And better for me is to have both Mamas acting right. Not this mess we have cuz whoever is all upset🤡. Get over it!! I did.
My view point may be brand new and a hell of a shock? To bad? Being taken away from my Mama felt like hell! How can a person even love a new person when at that point my Mama was my world! Science even back that?
Yes. I get excited. Trying to cover it all at many angles! What do you expect from a woman who’s felt Invisible her whole life to her Mama!? What? Did you expect? You suck it up! Take a good taste of what I’ve eaten baby! Come on take a big scoop and swallow!! Then you tell me? Walk 55 years holding the shit in. Try to barf it as best you can considering how rotten it is by now? Yeah. Excuse me.