I know I am rough around the edges. That’s the point. 

Family. I get it. I’m rough as they come!! But do you just leave a diamond in its natural form and expect is to shine? With spit, polish and some good eyes the brilliance of its quality comes shining through. Right? 

Well? What you all waiting for? I mean, I’ve given you my intell, and how I got here? It’s been a rough ride being me. I don’t care about other Adoptees, persay. Their experiences is their experience. This is mine. Ok? 

It’s been rough trying to navigate all the stories trying to find my truth. And as I see it from my experience of finding you all, family grounds you. It’s the root system that nourishes us and I needed you all. I mean I am back and yet we all are like this? So sad. Sad for us. And sad for gods testimony among us. As Christian’s we should be getting this straightened out and turning it into a great testimony as a family unit as I see it. 

So what gives family? I know I am rough. That’s what I just showed you? And all of you woman can’t deal with me? I would think you’d want to help me be better? If I am so bad? How did I get this way? Do we. We’d to go there? Let’s just get me out of here. Ok? 

Like. Hello. I just shared allllllll my shit with you. And in girl code that’s a green light. That’s the code for, inner circle access. I don’t just do that for no reason. But, without bearing my heart, can can we form empathy with one another? How is a bond forged? Without honesty? 

And where is our willing was to understand one another? I so want to understand you all? Why do you all act like this? I would like to know that? But what kind of recipes do you have? What wines are yummy? Do you like herbs? Do you cook with them? What crafty things do you do? Do you go and get pedicures together? Do you still go camping together and how do I get invited? 

Is there any rituals that you have? What are they? What memories do you have growing up? Can we share ours and be ok? We did live through it? But I don’t know about it? How can I empathize if you don’t share yourselves with me? 

Polish and spit is all we need. I think we have enough spit. But we do need to polish this. 

I don’t give up. Sooo. We are going to be here a while if you all just keep digging your heels in and resisting change. Mama needs us to do this. We must show here what we all are made of. And Mama’s takes all kinds in and gives some away. Ok? So. I see that we need to rise up and show Mama we paid attention. She lead by example. 

This is what a real reunion looks like. Perfect chaos. Changes is chaos. My families lived a long time without me there. I’ve been like some ghost wafting through every now and again. And it’s time they all accept that I am alive, and a person with deep feelings for them. 

This life has left me rough. But my family does not need to leave me here. I just sent up the flare. Let’s pray the see it. 

Thanks for diving deep with me. 

God bless you. 

I guess one thing I was looking for was my sisters to help me. 

And in my case, that just is not what my sisters do for each other? Or I guess they have been brain washed as well and see me as a strange stranger. Sad is so. That really does not make me happy to see if so. I guess I am xoected note froM family. And have learned, that that’s not what you get from family, or at least mine. 

But if I’m such a mess? Why the hell would they leave me over here like this? And why would they not help me? I’m over here. Yes out of their site. And yet we are related and they do not desire to know the one sister that did not get to stay?? Strange. 

I would love to know what it was like to stay? Good bad indifferent. I mean we all got shot we got through with each other. As blood sisters we should be able to unite and get connected for our Mama. To show what we are made of. Linda Marie don’t just give up. No way. She’s strong and she expects us to do this. She should not have to lead us by our noses to each other. Your circus and your monkeys. 

Let’s get out monkey together and make a good circus for Mama to watch. She loves reality tv. 

Oh Adoption. Why are you so cruel. 

I mean, adoption, I have served  you my whole life. Why did you have to brain wash my Mama’s into thinking that I would actually believe that I was only one Mothers child. 

Adoption, did you think I would just stay away from the Mama I came from? Why did you brain wash my Mamas into thinking this was it? You are a hard task master, Adoption. Why must I go on like this? 

You know, for years I’ve been like this. For years. But there come a time when nice is no longer fashionable. There come a time when the status quo must change. And there come a time when you must, as in my case, hear and see the truth of who your Mama see when she looks at you. And a Mama can’t lie. My Mama Linda has not lied to me about what she sees. Nope. 

But what she sees is the results of not having her to look to for truth in my life. Like, hard core truth about all that I have shared with all of you. And what I see is this. Adoption has altered me in some way. I am off center it would appear. What does one do when they are off center? They work to get centered. Who is the best person to help you with that? Your Mother. Hands down. She will not lie. She will show you her truth about you, the truth no one could tell me but her. 

So. I pumped her for all she was worth. And she. Yes she delivered the truth I needed to get myself back to center. Adoption is a mind fuck. I apologize for my foul language, but that word describes it best. And that is the truth I show my Mama Linda. It fucks with your head. And then it leaves you with a bag of poo to hold onto. And I really needed my Mamas help. How lever she could give it. And she did give it. To me, with both barrels. And I thank her for it. 

Blocked. That’s what Adoption did to me. It blocked me from moving forward becasue I never grieved my loss of Mama Linda. UNPROCESSED grief locks us into a space of pain and loss. My Mamas not dead. Ok? So, I picked myself up and I shared myself up. And I ran at her with full force. I hit her hard with my secret truth. That really only my kids see. 

And what I got was an honest reaction. A reaction to what I had held inside waiting for an honest acessment from the woman I came from. Adoptions upset us both is what I saw. My Mama was lied too is what I saw. See, without the truth to ground a person? We just free fall and float through life. Without truth to ground me, I just grew wild. And that’s ok. It’s how I was becasue of this and becasue of not having the truth. 

But Mama Linda did fine. She told it like she saw it. And her hard truth hit me like a brick to my mixed up head. And it’s grounded me in the knowing that I knew. The truth that adoption had this affect on me. And when I showed her, she reeled from the shock of it. Sad. They told her I would be fine. They said I would not remember here. Evidently they said back when I was born that I would remember a thing. 

But they, whomever they are, were dead wrong. And it’s not easy telling your Mama that. No. it’s not. I was raised to be polite and have manors. But when your Mama needs to know, you got to work up the courage to tell her. And once the cat was out of the bag? Well, it was wild. My truth riveted her lie, and cut it to the ground. 

All I wanted was my Mama to see what this did to me. And it hurt. I lived. Yes. But at the expense of my sanity, I lived a lie for her and it was damn hard. And that should count for something to her. Shouldn’t it? Shouldn’t what we adoptee do for our Mamas count when we come home? 

All I wanted was my Mamas accetence and maybe a little respect for insuring life without her. Becasue it’s damn hard. For me at least. And enduring my families Reaction to my hard earned truth was excruciating. 

I’ll live. True. I know how to suck it up. But what I see is we sucked up enough. It was time to educate. That is what this blogs about. Educating folks to what Adoption did to me. And maybe, we can figure out how to do better. 

Thanks for stopping by and your willingness to learn my truth. 

Yep. Still working over here. Evidently i swallowed a lot of things that I needed to clean out.

I am grateful. 

My Mama Linda gave me away. And I am grateful she chose to not snuff me out, like many woman do in here delicate at the time situation.  And I am grateful she adopted me out. It was hard. But I now know first hand what adoption means from the child’s point of view. And now speak freely about my researching from doing an adopted child. 

In a perfect world, which we should be using as the mark to shoot for, adoption would only happen in cases of death. And in a perfect world that we shoot for even if parents die, and a child is adopted, they should be allowed to grieve their losses openly and with the full and active support of the adoptive parents. 

My parents did not know what this would do to me. Society did not know at the time of my adoption that I would grow up feeling the way I have most described in raw flow of consciousness. From my gut and memories. 

See. The body has memeory storage of traumas. And if we sit still allow ourselves is what I have gather from doing just that. The feelings will come up. And if you embrace them. I mean whole heartedly open up and embrace and feel those feelings, you will get free. Free from the emotions attached to those memories. You will remember? But becasue you allowed yourself to feel it and accept that you felt that way, it disapates. The charge around the memories is dispersed. 

This is what I have learned from this truth telling I’ve been doing  as of late. This road of truth is very narrow. And not many travel it. Many run from it. And others try to pretend it doesn’t exist. But it does. I’ve just tested it. It works. The truth does set you free. Free to be someone else beyond what was. 

It never really goes away, shit that is. And Adoption has got some shit and made me feel like shit. Cuz kids love their Mamas. We may get disappointed. True. Things get messed up. But we always remember the one we came from. 

That’s what Mama Linda forgot to factor into her math about this thing called adoption. Moses was adopted. And he remembered his people and lead them to freedom away from pharaoh. Ok? He didn’t just forget his mother and brothers. He lead them out of slavery. 

So. Adopted kids lead their mama’s out of slavery too. Slavery that looks like a life lived without us. Slavery to an old way. Slavery to a piece of paper. Slavery to shame and guilt they never should have been inslaved too. Slavery that said they were not enough. 

Thanks for coming by. 

Waking up takes time. 

As I wake up from the dream of Adoption, the reverberations of my truth set my body free. 

As my old truth, now aired out, and free to fly away, spills from my lips I am grateful. That I lived through it. I am grateful that I am strong. Strong enough to say my truth and to make peace with my in er child who was so wounded by my past. 

Don’t get me wrong. I’m ok. But now I’m free. Free to be me, all of me. Even the parts that don’t make sense to folks who have never felt relinquishment a sting. Adoption is like being placed in a maze with no instructions or map on how to get out. But that’s what I’ve learned about truth. When spoken, it lights the way out. 

I’m getting out of the mind set of feeling bound by a modality that just did not fit. I am not just my Mama Jeans daughter. I am the daughter of two woman. And one I never got to see. And now that I have seen her, and she showed me my flextion, it showed me I was now different that her. It showed me how much Adoption changed me in reference to her. 

Adoption made me stronger, empathetic, compassionate beyond imagination, and with time, it made me a truth seer. As I traveled my life, observing others who had not been relinquished, I noticed that those kept, do not see things like we, the adopted. 

Becasue we have had to live with strangers. We have learned what family should mean, by having to go without them we see and feel what should not be, and so we see what should be. 

I am unable to take my words back. And I really don’t want to. If my family can’t rise to the occasion of truth? Well, it’s there loss. They loose the blessing of what truth can do for us. And they will have to learn another way. For we all come here to not just live, but to learn as well. 

I’ve learned a lot being away from my family. And I wanted to show them, so they could learn as well. But not everyone gets why we are here. Many have their heads to far into this game they forget that we each are etenral beings,  and that we go to a palace after we are done. I want my Heavenly Father to be proud, I spoke truth. 

And that I never forget my Mama Linda. That I will hear the words, ” enter into they rest, thou good and faithful servant.” To keep all this I. For fear is just not helpful. We all need to know our affect. And Mama Linda just learned the affect her actions had on me. 

If she can’t take the truth? Well, excuse me. You did that to me. You just didnt realize it. If my family is mad because I voiced my viewpoint? Well, get over it. Suck it up. Ok? That’s what I had to do at two days old. Suck it up and move on. 

We all have a choice when we hear someone truth. We can deny it, we can block it, we can take it personally, or, we can listen and allow them to vent what they held inside for way to long. Becasue validation is all anyone needs. Just for someone to see what we went through. 

I would certainly like to validate my Mama Linda’s struggles. But evidently she had none. So. Great! Glad it was so fun for you. I could not agree. But great for her. Yipee. She moved on and didnt have a care. Awesome. 

I am just not like that. And adoption made me different about family and all. Excuse me for not being ok with it. The only way to change things is to show what you have and hope something new will show up. I still wait. Waiting. Waiting. 

My family has not stepped up to thee plate yet. 

But I pray they will. Before it’s to late. 

Thanks for diving deep with me

God bless.