It is not all lost.

Well. We may have missed the mark that adoption said was attainable. But we did hit a humanity mark.

  • One. A woman was in trouble with a baby created.
  • A woman wanted a baby.
  • A doctor helped them.
  • A lawyer helped them.
  • And adoption seemed like a solution.
  1. But adoption didn't know it all.
  2. Kids grow up missing home, Mama and family.
  3. Mama's have trauma from relinquishment.
  4. Mama's don't want to seem weak because they missed what they once had. Their child.
  5. Folks need to be kinder to all people involve in adoption.
  6. Adoption does affect us all.
  7. Mama's need forgiveness mirrored to them so they can forgive themselves.
  8. We the adoptees need to forgive ourselves for not being able to bond with our new parents like our Mamas. We try hard to give you all we can.
  9. Adoptions leaves families with missing parts and gapping holes that need not even be there.
  10. Adoption does not get to keep me confined to an archaic modality. I am more. Than just adopted. I am a child that is the product of two woman that have not yet met physically. But I am trying to help them see that they know each other well, thanks to me.
  11. I am looking for the need to do this? And for the reason why we don't let the kids I. One the plan and let them have a say? We do gore into adults you know?

There is hope. When all is lost. That is when God can truly work divine things out.

Thanks for diving deep.

Adoption says its love

  • That precisely what I am speaking up about. I get it. Some woman got knocked up. She's not happy about it. And feels a mistake has been made. Surely I am not supposed to raise this child I made, and up steps Adoption saying," Here little lady, let me remove that rain on your life."
  • But what Adoption does not take into consideration is the feelings of the child. Adoption does not research the full affect because they don't know what they are looking for. How could anyone thats not been adopted know what it's like? They don't know. They have never had it happen.
  • Adoption says taking a perfectly good baby, and to give it to someone the child has never met! Like hello guys! We don't even do that with the kids we raise! We get names, numbers, addresses, and we have a meet and greet before we allow our kids to go play at another's house. This is why adoption is so ludicrous. My Mamas have never met. And it's all over now. The damage is done. Thank god I am strong willed, I'll say that.
  • I did not feel loved more! I felt loved less. I felt cast away. I felt thrown away. I felt sick. I was sick about it. The world told my Mama it was ok to just go. And I needed her. Back then. And I was spun out inside where no one could see. And no one could read the signs. Because no one was really looking for signs. No one wanted to go there. No one wanted to think that maybe I was homesick?
  • Adoption took me from my tribe. And threw me into the streets. I grew up in a well known family. I am grateful they were public figures. I learned accountability early. I learned responsibility as well. When your Mama abandons you, you try harder to do the best with the new one, so she won't leave either. Mama Jean was called home on numerous occasions, movies, etc.., by this inconsolable child when she was out of sight. I know why.
  • Adoption shook my whole foundation to my core. It through me Into the lions deb of who am I? If I came from someone who could do this to me ? I better figure it out Nd never do this to my children. But adoption left a scare on me. And my kids would be affected by it. And that angers me. It's like your disabled and don't know it because no one knows your Mama and they've always known you to be like this. And of course adoption says your just fine.
  • Adoption tries to protect us. But adoption does not protect us from no show, dead beat Mamas and daddy's. It just shines a bright light on it that shows a note that says, (your family is fucked up! Your Mama is broken) But many adopted people do adopted their own children away. So it keeps the detachment going and going and going. Adoption has hit my family twice now. Maybe even three times by the way my kids acting.
  • Adoption says it's helping kids. I would like to say that adoption is helping people. But I will say this, Adoption is helping itself to your money, your dreams, and your family. After adoption gets through with you you'll be another person. And the child you relinquished will not be living a better life, they will be living a different one. And it's difficult for many of us to let go. Excuse us for wanting the Mamas we were sent too.
  • Adoption did not make me comfortable, more loved, more anything except homesick. Adoption is not comfortable. It is mans design. But, Would I change my life now? Hell no. I feel going through adoption has shown me a perspective that unless you go through it you just have no contexts to even wrap your brain around what Adoptees go through, trying to figure out why the world is so conflicted about Adoption. People say they love it to your face, with words. And then people show you with their actions what they really think, and tell what they really think when they think you can't hear.
  • Adoptions says it saves. What has Adoptions saved? Let's see? Has adoption saved face? Well, after your child finds you, no. Has adoption saved time? Well, not really, when your child comes home there is all that catching up. So no.
  • Has adoption saved lives?
  • The Adoption-Suicide Connection

McCauley Evans describes three reasons for the disproportionately high percentage of adoptee suicides: 1) Adoption – or more precisely the separation from one’s mother – is a trauma. 2) Adoptees lack a complete and accurate, up-to-date medical history which may include depression, or even suicide. 3) Adoptees don’t want to upset their adoptive parents with concerns about depression or anything that could be seen as ingratitude, including normal, healthy curiosity about their roots.

The odds of a reported suicide attempt were 4 times greater in adoptees compared with nonadoptees (odds ratio: 4.23). After adjustment for factors associated with suicidal behavior, the odds of reporting a suicide attempt were reduced but remained significantly elevated (odds ratio: 3.70). (Keyes, et al., Pediatrics online, Sept. 9, 2013)

Sweden reports 95% of Adoptees adept suicide and succeed. This is an alarming rate!! One is to many for me.

So, no, adoption save 5% of lives. That's not really what I classify as saving lives. Ok? We can do better than that.

I would like to reiterate that I have no personal Ill will that I am aiming towards any one person. It is difficult to get ones feelings out. These feelings and emotions attached to people and events pertaining to my life, have been swirling around and around for years trying to find an answer that fit and would lay this overwhelming feeling to subside.

Closure means to me.
All ducks in a row.
All items checked.
All person accounted for
All words said
And an undying goal to be understood.
So that I can be at peace
Knowing my Mama, got my message.
The one God sent me to give her
My undying love
My undying loyalty to her as one my most respected leaders
My undying love for Mama Jean as well
My commitment to them
Both.
And my commitment to my siblings to be the best sister I know how to be, and to be open always for criticism and correction so that one can always be better each time. Just remember who my Mama is too. I may get upset at first. But I will get it.
Being myself. Which means the me that has grown from all this I tell.
This does feel like a wound. A wound that can not heal. And Ive seen the pain in my Mamas eyes. She has one too. And I feel strongly that it is our separation.
Let me tell you a story. The other day I was at a funeral for a friend who had passed to soon as far as we all were concerned. And I spoke with many folks that day. But this one woman I know said to me something so striking, and I believe when that happens, and it's usually a message there for me. It's kind of like that for me. God talking, pay attention belinda. And what she said, was so true. We were talking about our kids. And she about her son, who lives in another state. She said he'd had some illness that she kind of intuitively knew was there. She warned him about getting it looked into. And he ended up having surgery. She said," I just have a really strong Motherly instinct" that stood out to me. I thought, "yeah?"
Instincts. And then she said, " i can only go 6 months without seeing him". I thought oh! My Mamas way over due. That could be some of our issue.
My Mamas been fighting her natural urge to Mother me for years! She signed her right away! And stood by her decision. And she doesn't get the idea that I have rescinded that previous agreement by finding her. I made contact and the contract has been dissolved. But she seems to be holding onto the previous agreements standards. And with me back in her life? The standards have changed. I change it all.

I want to have some fun with my Mama before it's to late. And we have to fight like this, in front of God and everyone? Well ok. If I've got to come here to make a point. Ok. My love knows no bounds and ain't nothing gonna stay in the way of this love. No fears. No nightmares. No lies. No enemies of a love so deep.

Mama sent me to love another lady that needed it. And that makes you dig deep. It makes you have to channel love. But I channeled new love for Mama Jean. I never channeled Mamas love to her. Mama's love has stayed in the bank of my heart and is banging and yelling to be let out, so it can go to the woman I have loved since the day I began to live inside her body. What we call, Mama.

Adoption said, many things. But nothing made me forget her, nor hate her, and only made me miss her.

Adoptees and their families need to heal. Meaning, come together as the family they are, with the adoptive parents too. If we do this for the kids. Then let's do this for the adults they become. Consistency folks. It's key.

Thanks for diving, and trying to keep up with me today.
God bless.

Just. Because……

Just because I've told my truth, it doesn't mean there is not still time to change the course. I've told you my mental GPS growing up. Which means I was way off track according to Adoption. Or is it according to nature? Did I grow up feeling off course? Because this body of mine? Has other ideas about it. My mind has held the course as instructed for years.
And my truth does not change what has happened. Your right. So what my point?

Well, I have a few that I have experienced, and come to another conclusion as those well meaning people who helped my Mama do this. And I don't hate anyone. I do have strong negative feelings about being separated from my Mama, and Mama Jean had to help me. Her showing up to take my Mama's Job did not change that-

  1. I was still the child sent to her care. I always knew I had a Mama out there that left me behind for some reason. Not a good one either. I could feel it.
  2. Even though Mama Jean loved me like, her own child, I was not from her. For some reason, I struggled with that. I could not figure out why I struggle to feel a emotional bond with her? Was it me? Or was it her? Protecting herself? From attaching to me? Maybe she felt that was my Mama's?
  3. I do have strong opinions about Adoptions rules and regulations in regards to the handling of our personal affects and how adoption impacts us mentally and emotionally. I've observed myself and others for years trying to figure it out.
  4. That I thought about my Mama all the time. And that I wanted her back. That I wished God would give her back to me. That I would be a good girl and help God make this world better to be the best I can. My feeling was if my Mama does me like this? And if folks feel this bad about it, but won't say anything about it? Or show their true feelings? It was my duty to update my Mama about what folks say about it. And I feel it needs to change.
  5. That I would just move on, when my Mama lives and is a very worthy person to know? But she needs some training on me. That I am different and that I need to show her the madness i this child and how God uses me all day long. Because I am adopted.
  6. That at sometime we all would be faced with my decision to ask that we all lay it down and to unite. I know what I am asking my Mama to do. And I do expect her to do it as her Christian duty. And I know that when she does. A huge blessing is coming to us all.
  7. I love my Mama. I'm crazy about her. Haven't I made that perfectly clear yet? Love is crazy. And love makes you do crazy things to get the attention of a lovely lady you rode around with for 9 months. I want to catch up!! And get real. Just like Mamas and daughters do? What good daughter wants her sister hating her? Or thinking she sick or retarded?
  8. I would be homesick. And sick. It takes the wind out of your sales. Like who can you trust if Mama did this to ya? This are the questions I was asked. Over and over? I know she has a reason. And at the time it seemed right? But does she agree now that she knows what it did to me? Would she change her stand? Maybe help change Adoption with this child? So kids can have the parents they are sent to?
  9. Also, that would only love one Mama? That I would completely understand why my Mama wants me to do that?
  10. I would grow up and go find her.

She did not have all this info at the time. But she does now. I wonder? Would she changed her mind and dare to love the child that found her? While we have time?
I don't have to choose. I can have both. If they both love me? And could see, they have shared my heart since two days old.
Once you read and get into the rhythm, you start to see what this is all about. Demolition of the old. Getting it out. And change. Health. Prosperity and family. I always clean things up before I start a new thing. Tie up loose end. Everyone know where I stand. I am a Capricorn, and we don't take no for answer when God shows us what is ours. Slow. Methodical, deconstruction of the old, and systematic rebuilding what is in plan view.

I am ready for Celebrations of how far we came, and being proud to be able to be completely full circle.

I am sure my Mama is irritates too.

Did she expect me to come waltzing back into her life? Hell no. She payed me to rest in her mind. Gone. Dead. No way back from that kind of mind set. Or is there? That is exactly what I am attempting to find out.
I beta she is pissed as hell! Like what's wrong with my Adopted baby grown up now? She does not act like everyone's else's? And she sure does not act like they said she would! She wanted me? She wanted me?
I can imagine that's a pretty big pill as well to swallow. Or choke on? Did I realize I was doing this to her? By wanting her fully in my life? Hell no! I most certainly did not.
I really didn't know what to expect. I never met my Mama before. Let alone try to get real with her. It just a messy thing that I have to do. I want her to know, no matter what. I tell the truth as I see it. And I feel that is good. It's a firm foundation to build from.
And after our reunion I was just dismayed, year after year that she just kind of went on without me still, even though I am right where she can see me, she chose not too. I don't want her to feel like the outsider on my life anymore. Nor I of hers.
One thing I do know is I am an excellent friend. I am the kind of friend my Mama needed when she conceived me. One who would give her the straight shot. So she could maybe see what lay ahead for her, each way. Because there were other ways. But it was back in the day when a telephone was a appliance, not a modality. Meaning, we lived inside bubbles of consciousness.
But with the internet we are forever reminded, loud and clear how visible we truly are here. And that makes me think of God. And how God knows us, deeply, down even in the dark places we ourselves have forgotten about. God saw my Mama in her distress. And god helped her. And the child she sacrificed raising grew up to help her again.
That's a miracle as I see it. And I am not backing down. So that says a lot in all this mess I loved growing up, inside my head. I journeyed back. Trusting God had a plan. I surely don't know all the plan. But I can see that God would not wish for she and I and Mama Jean and my family to be like this. That I can see.
Telling your truth is challenging for sure. Because your truth comes up against another's truth as they know it. My truth trumps my families truth. That is clear. And they had no idea! They were going along on the boat of life living the script they always did, until
Bam!! Wam!! Bong! Here comes Belinda, messing with the script!! I crashed the family party by being, …..and showing up.
My Mama was gonna live on as though I was dead and still does from what I can see. She's so spun out she doesn't even know what to do. But I do. I know what to do. If she can just trust me.

I mean what's not to trust? Who tells such things for no reason? If I can tell her this? Imagine what my good thoughts are that are dying to be let out? Yeah. Below all this is love. And I know below my Mamas issues is love. We just gotta dig all the junk out so the good stuff can rise to the top.
I know Mama irritated with me. But I am not the enemy here. Adoption has that job as we work piecing our lives back together as best we can do that we can have a stronger more vibrant family in the end.

Mama may not have prepared. But she's got me. I prepared for it all. God trained me to come home by following my heart back to the precious woman I came from.
Those things I said? I lived those things I said, alone and without my Mama to set me straight. A child has no business trying to understand this with no help from those who are supposed to care for her. The ignorance of the times lead to this. I want folks to know. So they can make sure it doesn't happen to them.

Knowledge is power. If we stick our heads in the sand, what is gained at all?

Thanks for diving deep with me today.

Yeah. I’m ok.

The black widow bite healed and the pain subsided. And I fell good. I have a new respect for black widows now. And am thankful for my bodies ability to withstand such a thing. Thanks Mama.

See. There are so many things Mama I don't share like real Mama and daughters do. Adoption dictates that all my love and feelings go to my new Mama and family. But I have love and feelings for the family I came from. And I am expressing myself now. First the bad. Which covers up the good.

But there is good. And we all could see it or will see it when we get all this misunderstand out of the way. What I see is these days, no one knows how to clean up mental messes like ours. I mean no one wants it is conditioned to handle conflict and resolve it. People block, as if that is an option. It's not. It does nothing to help. And in fact it keeps folks the same as I see it.

  1. When folks don't talk and give up, nothing changes. It's like writing a letter, and not finishing it and putting it in a drawer, and expecting the one you should Have sent it to to get it. People seem to be a bit weak on communicating their dark side.
  2. Conflict means that communication was not successful. My eldest daughter is a linguist. And she tells me that the way you say something with some foreign words can make or break the conversation. I feel we all speak different languages and that we all have meaning placed on words or expressions.
  3. It up to us to keep expressing ourselves until other understand. I mean, look at Jesus. Jesus communicated truth and was hung on a cross for it. That's it. Jesus spoke out and got killed. Did anyone change? Did those Jesus called out change? Hell no. They did what my Mama is doing. Because she cut off from her heart. Yeah. She is. If she treating me like this? Houston we have a problem.

The pain from the black widow bite was not even enough pain to stop my mind and body from thinking and praying for my Mama. Seems kind of amazing. Because that bite was painful. So painful it would make my foot twitch without me doing a thing.

Adoptions like that bite. I was bit at 2 days old. And the pain began. Panic. Confusion. My mind was a whirl. Nothing really mattered. I've done a lot of things. Dance, majorette, piano lessons, miss Colusa county contest, rainbow girls, and I was inspired by nothing about it. I couldn't share it with my Mama. That's just how I felt inside. I told no one.

My Mama is my muse. Ok. No Mama, no muse. And to an artist like me, muse is key. And I really don't want my Mama and I like this, it depressing me to deal with day in and day out. Trying to get through that thick protective layer around her.

I mean if all I do is blog about it? Who is hurt physically? And yet she called the police on me? That's a warning sign. And why? What's the reason? My words? My feelings? I guess I just expected better from her. I expected her to recognize that I care. But she didn't. That's what makes me angry at Adoption for taking a perfectly good Mama and fucking her all up.

And subsequently fucking me up. My kid told me I used to talk very fast. Well, well. A winner here. Someone's speaking up. Like I had no realization that I did that. Thanks sweetie for helping me wake up as well. I don't talk as fast as I used too. And I have calmed down a lot.

But my desire to straighten this out with my Mama gets worse. The more I pray, the more I desire to blog and help her understand. I've been through a lot without her and it's caused me distress.
I'm not distress all day. Ok. But it's hard to not think about your Mama when you and she are like we are and she in her 70's. Time is key.

She may never read this and get it. I face that truth. And so even if she doesn't. I'll
Blog so that someone else can learn. If I can't help myself, someone else can be helped by reading the pitfalls of Adoption from The child perspective.

Right now I have to go fishing with my Man. It's a self care day. He has been totally gutting my daughters trailer and it's
Hot as hell here. So, it's time to go have some fun in the sun. As fun as it can be when you are so Homesick for your Mama, you can taste it.

Anyway. Thanks for diving deep today with me

God bless.

In 1960’s jargon. This is such a drag….,

Like. Hello. I know. Your busy tweeting, or facebooking, or Instagram. Excuse me for the interruption. But the way me and my Mama are is such a drag. Like whatever. I mean what the hell is all this? I'm talking. She's not. And who's benefiting?
Well, hopefully someone's learning something from this situation. Like coming home is more of a challenge than I thought. I mean my reputations is non existent. My blood means nothing. Even if it is The most prized blood on the planet. To hell with that. O-negative. So what. Only everyone can take my blood.
Bit tonite as I sit on my back patio with my oldest kid, it's a drag. It's a drag when I talk to my husband and tell him how cool my Mama is and we can't even go see. It is a drag cuz my baby doesn't talk to me. It's a drag. Cuz life is being lived and we have some kind of problem moving on. It takes two to move on. Or all of us. Not just me.
And Ive told it all. So I am pretty clean. What are you holding onto? Cuz, we should be talking and planning the days to come together. Like God made a way. Let's go. Together.

If I had anything to loose it was my past, with my Mama…

I mean if I can speak my truth and it upsets my Mama so much, she blocks me? Like maybe the truth I found out by being an adoptee is the issue, not me? I feel strongly that I am finally getting well adjusted, because I finally can speak things that I felt were taboo growing up because of the sensitive nature of adoption. The Mamas and Daddys we go to have lost something they have dreamed of, and there is a lot of pressure to preform as expected by the new parents, those new parents are different than the ones, or one, you just lived with for 9 months.

My Mama is colorful under all that starched white she wears to hide the heart she broke herself the day she left me behind. And I am blogging her to help her find her way back. It is so complicated that my siblings don’t even see what I see. People who have been in denial for years are hard to turn around, they do get rigid, not because they want to, but because they have to to survive.

My Mama has 4 daughters…. and more that did not come from her for sure. But to not accept me into her life fully, as her daughter raised by someone else, and to not wish to know all, and to bond like Mama and child is what I point at. This is an issue, houston. Children know how to bond to their Mamas, but well meaning people, get in the way. Like Adoption, got in my way and sent me on my way. Ive been wandering around this earth, living, learning, without my Mama filter, but through another woman filter. And I have many things I have learned beyond what my Mama would have taught me.

Loosing all this is helpful. Letting all my feelings out, with he words that describe them is the healthiest things I have done as an adoptee. And it feels good to validate myself in this way. She can’t see what I see either. I mean if she could see what I see, and if she knew what I could do to help, she would run towards me, her child, that came to love her, and came back to finish the job she could not do growing up because her life was altered and she was removed from her Mamas life, so I could not do what I came.

What is lost is lost, time has taken away what we could have had. I get that. But there is still time for us. There is time if we update and adjust to the new information that I have shared. Reporting this has been a challenge, I do not say that I did it perfectly, but I showed up and did my best. I did the best a turned around girl who loves her Mama dearly, and has wanted to come home to forever!

What we can gain from this interaction is clarity and resolve, to do better by each other now. WE can choose to do the work here, and to clear it all up. Things did not come out like I would have liked, but I did not edit any of it, so it was not polished, it was raw, as it came out, kind of intel. No grammar, no punctuation, just raw feelings flowing out of me, words, mixed with intense emotions, mixed with lies I was told and fought not to believe.

I am well. But I would have a more rounded, healthy life if I was attached back to my family fully. What does that mean?

  • Cards and calls from my family
  • visits and fun with my family
  • compassion from my family
  • empathy from my family
  • willingness to go here with me to help us all turn around and get it right.
  • sunsets and camping trips together without all this invisible gunk from whatever is between us.
  • I would like to know when Mama is sick
  • I would like to have my Mama call me once and awhile (I’ve spend so much money calling her over the years, it is about time she work a bit)
  • more letters from Mama about what she’s doing
  • visits were me and Mama cook together
  • trips with Mama, to the ocean with me and my children
  • Stories about family members, all the news about all my family
  • No more secrecy and exclusivity.
  • parties together celebrating whatever
  • maybe them coming to hear me sing in Vegas on Americas God Talent ( sure could use some help)
  • My siblings being proud of me for being so strong
  • my sisters rallying around me as their sister, protection like sister do for eachother
  • my family coming down to visit me, bbq’s, food, fun, and love
  • deep sharing times where we open up and allow each other in, and healthy interactions slathered in love, and care.
  • I would like my sisters blessing. Can they bless what Mama made?
  • I want my sisters to adore me, and to adore them. I do adore them, I just don’t like how they are acting right now, I am sure they don’t like how I am acting either, but the difference is I show up, willing to work. It is time.

Did I expect to have to verse them? No. They don’t know shit about adoption except what the world said, or Mama. That is just not cutting the mustard for me, their sister.

This is what I stand to gain, when they finally get it. But it is complicated as I keep saying, and peoples thoughts are powerful, what my family is thinking about me is having a powerful affect on them and is keeping them from trusting this process. It would seem that the counselors they have are not training them at all? They are not practicing what they should be learning from their counselor. Many people do that. They just dump on the counselor and the counselor just files it where no one is helped at all. What is helped when you rant to someone who does not even know me and is only getting one side of the story?

I am ranting in front of everyone. So people can see. If I don’t share, no one sees, which is the problem I see. No one can see, because we the adopted have been struck silent.

 

So loosing is not much, I have lost it all. Now I am gonna get it all back like Gods word tells me. And you can judge me for how i am doing it, or you can see how important it is, so important that I bared my heart here in hopes.