Hell No I am not happy about this?

Should I be?

Oh, do tell me what to do?

Do tell me its ok?

Oh tell me to suck it up

Tell me to just go away

You think loosing a Mom is just a trifle

You think its just a game?

But God designed it that way.

And we just need to see

That children are supposed to love their Moms


And that is what I found

I tried to dig her out of my heart.

But you can not cut out DNA

You think I should just get over such a thing?

And yet everyone says that no one gets over loosing their Mom?

Why am I different? Because I was a babe?

You fool yourself to think such a thing?

You are in fact a fool to think that the God of this universe had made a mistake.

WE humans think we know so much and we are as dumb as rocks.

Can a iPhone, merge with a samsung galaxy? Hell no!

And yet we throw children who have learned there Mothers tongue, into families that do not speak it.

We wonder why children relinquished struggle with relating? We are forced to scrap programing while in utero, to learn anew. And we wonder why they struggle to understand things?

We wonder why they are so weird?

Collectively we have done this to them.

And collectively we will undo it.

It is time for change.

Get off your fat ass and do something. Talk to your Adopted kid, give them  place to vent.

Listen to their cries, tend to their wounds.

Give them a safe place to love the one who made them.

Give them a place to mourn a loss, you can not see.

For children are designed to love their Mothers, Grief is the sign of great loss.

Which means great value.

Wake up a little.

Look around you.

We look the same, but inside we are not the same.

And never will be.

But we can change it for another.

We can hold the line.

For a child is looking to their Mother, not other, not even if she is gone.

We remember, it in the DNA.


Letter to Mama- 

This blog is about an Adoptee’s process unedited by my Ego that Always wants to protect me. Thank you for any input you have. xo

I have been working for 22 years to reunite with my Mother and we still struggle. I am taking to the web for help. Therapy could not get me this. And therapy would never give me this. A councilor can never give me satisfaction, because my Mom is the only one who can help me. Everyone says that about their Mom, but only an Adoptee is denies this vital need. Mom is treated like a four letter word for us. Don’t say that about the woman who’s body cr acted you? Oh no. Don’t.  Where the hell is Mom? 

Ok, here is a letter below. If you are a birth Mother, and you can, could you help me with this letter to my Mother. I need help expressing myself in ways that will

Help Her to See? WE are both wounded, and I work to find a way to bridge the gap. Let me know also if this helps you see your child point of view? Thank you

Adoptees tend to trigger their Mothers, I feel, like Duh. We are bound together. I think I know why, but we must be willing to explore this world called adoption and be willing to accept what is, and let go of the fantasy that many of us hold to to cope.

This is really raw. And Mothers are raw too. That is what I am trying to express, we all are hurt. And society is where we heal it. For this is a societal issue. And we must look at this issue to evolve to a better place.

Children and their Mothers need to be safe to be just that, child and mother. As a species we must learn this lesson.


March 31, 2016

Dear Mama- It is unfortunate we are this way. Yes, and I am really working hard to help you understand my side, and I am equally interested in learning about your side. I would like you to know that you are doing as good as you can, this part is not easy. From what I can see, it never gets easy. So if you’re uncomfortable, well that’s a good thing. I want you to know that I am not giving up on you Mama. And I will work to help you to understand what it means to be the mother of an adopted child, and to teach you of adoption, for which you are a very deep part of. Because Adoption is a legal and binding process, you cannot escape it. Well, let’s put it this way, Adoption ties you to your child forever, if DNA is not enough. My adoption is a historical event recorded at the Court House. Except that maybe you were told some information that is not correct maybe. I know, it is unfortunate, but if we are to proceed and heal, we must keep going, for the end is the best part. Please keep that in mind at all times. It would appear you have been told a bit of misinformation about how adoption feels from the child’s point of view. And after 22 years of trying to figure out what the issue is between us, and praying about it, God is showing me the way out. And well, we are all struggling. I get that Being publicly identified is the last thing a woman who has relinquished a child wants to be. And I had no idea that you had been treated so badly. The shame that has been forcing good woman to do such a thing in an effort to clear the family of a shame God does not decalare about us, but that a church erected in his flame does. That this continues is just ludicrious. You are an amazing woman. But how our relationships is could be better. And I kind of know you knew, deep down that I felt this way, and you told me that fact by the way you responded.  You also appear to act as though I am some kind of stain on your reputation or something, I am sure it is not intentional. Thes things happen after trauma. They call it association. And what you do is associate the child with the pain or shame you originally felt. But that is Just how you appear, coming from the vantage point of the kid you gave away, that’s all.  No judgment just facts, from my VEIW point.  I am working to try to alleviate that, but, well, your kind of being uncooperative with me? And I am working on trying to figure out why? What our family needs is a big update as far as I can ascertain. You all have been told a bunch of things that do not line up with my experience, and I would love to tell you that being adopted was a day at the parade, but it was not. I really tried just accepting it like this, but well, you are my family, and you’re right there, so close and yet not? And I am yours still, my DNA still screaming to be returned to my manufacturer. And with you all so misinformed, it makes it difficult to stomach all of the ignorance. Please understand that I love you all. I just hate what you all are thinking about me. How you are treating me shows me you don’t get me at all. And so I am working to clear things up, by communication inch with you. Keeping communication lines open is one of the first things in a health exchange of information. You appear to have not even read a book on Adoption trauma yet, which means your way out of date. It is unfortunate that I have to be the one who brings you this update, for it is very hard to deal with your family being this out of touch with the Adoptees reality. Especially since we all are touched by it. Even if it’s kept inside a closet for years. Adoption can not be hidden and God would not allow that anyway.  All things come to the light. And by the looks of your life now, you seem like a really nice person who tries to help this world out. But I cannot figure out why you don’t seem to want me back? A piece of you? Still? They say a lot of Birth Mothers deal with these feeling. But from what the Birth Mothers say on blogs about reunions is that the issue is more like from the thoughts about us the children, and that is causing us the problem. And it is what we all are thinking about it that keeps them from being able to reconnect. We must be honest. We must share it all. No more secrets. God tells us all to let our light shine. Well my light shines in an Adoption that is not  the way to fix it.  I try not to take it personally, but you’re my Mom, so it kind of hard not to get upset, when your Mom is acting like this. It is like your brainwashed to not act like my Mom anymore? So strange? Why would God bring me back for that? I made sure before I even started my search to pray and asked him over and over if this was the way. Becasue i really, really did not want to be rejected again. And I really prayed about it. And God opened doors, like, it was amazing, and I was so encouraged. I mean how I found you was Gods will. He led me back, step by step. But reunion is not easy. We have so many years between us. But this is not the way it is supposed to be, so it is different. We will forever be different, but we have this one thing, our bond to help us. God gives us a bond, and children have it, and why shouldn’t I have it? I am a child made from you? You know when you come back to your family after they:(meaning I don’t know who did this to me, for I was a child when this happened), made me have to go to a stranger to be raised, and they act like your nothing, when your family is all you have been thinking about, its hard to take. It kind of knocked me down for about 22 years. I have just not known what to do. And I went to those damn professionals that bleed you out on money and give you nothing, nothing to help? I grew up having deep feelings about my family. And no amount of blocking can stop a child’s love for her Mother. And when a child’s Mother is acting like you are, it is upsetting, adopted or not! If we did not have Adoption in our picture, you would not be acting like this, you would simply be my Mama. And stop being so hard on yourself. Your wounds are tender Mama. I am trying to help you, can I help it you’re so out of date, and that the world wrapped so much shame around this shit? Remember that I love you, I hate how your acting, there is a difference. Look, this is not supposed to go well. Adoption is really messed up. They told you a bunch of bullshit. Who ever told you this was good and that I would not notice you gone is crazy! And inside you, down deep, beyond your mind and your Ego, I know you know what I say is true too. I came back to get you, because God told me too. And God provided the way, for I did find you. God wanted me to find you. Now ask yourself why? Why did God put me inside of you? Why did you become pregnant with me? Because, as far as I can see it, God is very capable of putting babies with the Mothers he wants to put them with. Look at Sarah in the bible? God knows what he is doing, Mama. Why was I put in you first, then given to my Adopted Mom? And I know you thought I would just take to my New Mother, but you seem to not realize your importance to me? And you do not realize that you are a huge key to my wellbeing? And I am kind of key in yours, see, my cells still live inside of your brain. Look it up. And the longer we go on this way the more damage it will cause to the whole family. This affects us all in a deep way. We are a family nucleus, our wall has been permeated and a piece of it removed, it must be returned to bring order. This has affected my Adopted Mom as well. But she showed up, and you both made this happen. We all have paid a price, but let us not make it in vein? There are lessons to learn here in this life. We all must learn our lessons. I had to learn mine. Mine is: babies should be safe to stay with their Mothers. And to work to make this world a safe place for children. Mothers should always be supported to show up for their sacred job that no one could replace. Each child and Mother are equip to work together by design. What is this world if God cannot send a baby to any old woman and they not realize that their Mom is gone, for we recognize your smell at birth, your voice, and when those are missing, we know, right now! WE know! No one can take the job God gives to a Mother. There really is no backing up from this now Mama, we must do the work that is in front of you, ME. It only gets worse when we resist. You know the saying, “That which we resist, persists.” I mean 53 years after the fact. Why is God allowing this? Why are we like this? Your mind is strong, but is it in alignment with what the divine is doing now? Is God maybe asking you to change course for a reason you cannot see? As far as I can see, it would appear you are running from some kind of nightmare you think I am, but I am trying to tell you it is not me. And I wonder why? Running will not help us this time, Mama. And what is it that chases you? You are taking this whole thing very hard, I know, you did not plan it this way. How could you be so off? Right? But back in the 60’s they hadn’t done any research about this the ramifications of Adoption on the child? They did not know how this affected the child? Not really? We are bonded. We are still bonded, after all these years. And I have most recently come completely clean about my past feelings, and I have given you my disclosure on my experience, unedited on my blog. And I did that so we could start over. Our beginning sucked. And to know your Mom is to have no secrets, right? And God calls us to speak our truth. And my truth had laid under the surface for years, waiting for the chance to speak. I really wanted to tell you, I thought you would care about how I felt? I thought you would be upset it went this way? I thought you would see it was not right and want to fix it? Growing up all I could think of was you I need my Mommy. And all I thought of was I can wait to see my Mommy. And I just want it to go away, and I just want my Mommy. Every time something happened, I would miss you, it does make it hard. Life is just not fun with out your Mom. And now I have two. It is complicated being I. Growing up feeling like a slave, I felt I could not speak my true feelings for fear of my new family doing the same thing my Mommy did to me, which was give me away. It is a terrible place to be. Living in a world of fairytales and where no one really wanted to hear about my heart: which only wanted you, like a beacon. I am so tired of people telling me I was ok? Like my Mom gave me away! Screw you! That is messed up! Who told her that? I want to stop this from happening to any other child. And people thinks this is like buying a new suit, it is not! I am a human being with feelings and attachements that I formed inside the woman who’s body God made me with. Not ok. For who can love a child better than her own Mama, and my Adopted Mom is nothing like you, nothing. I knew the difference. I did not like this any more than you, at all. I have come to love and care for my Mother you gave me, but this only causes me pain to have you and I like this. I went through this life living as an Adopted child; can I not get my reward? My reward for having to live like this is to have my whole Mom back. We cannot go back, but we can heal if we work and have an amazing relationship. It will just look different, it will be different than the girls, but we can have a wonderful relationship with honesty as our captain. Listen, if this was you at the other end? Oh hell no! I am doing really good being as patient as I am. But this is how I see it, my very own Mommy acting like a weirdo and my sisters are not even caring about me. And this is the very family and Mama that I longed for growing up. What is life, without your Mom? And my patience is running thin. You are in your 70’s and I am in my 50’s and we have not even gotten past this? And we must do some work to reunite the whole family? Do you want to leave with us like this? Like we can do better than this Mama? And I am not trying to kill you or do you harm, you are already harmed. I mean if you were not harmed you would not have gotten all upset at what I have said and you would not be taking it so personally. You’re response is telling on you. It is hard to see, that your Mother did not like the part of herself that made you. I guess the world made you feel that way, for conceiving me outside of the matrimonial boundaries. The church has done a lot of damage in regards to this, so ignorantly, of course. The church does not realize the Mother child bond and that it should not be messed with. God knows who he gives children too. Children are a gift from the Lord, Psalm 127:3 Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. I am a gift. But if you do not understand the gift God gave you? What has been gained? Like, God gave you a baby, and you gave it away, God brought it back? Why? Have you figured out why? Why would I be so persistent? Could God be asking you to change your story? Now? Just because the story changes, does not mean it was wrong, life is about lessons. You did the right thing then? But what do we do now? right now? Ask yourself this: “Am I being given something new?” “Is a new opportunity being presented to me?” “And what must I do, or what am I being asked to do to obtain it?” Am I being asked to review my choices and add the new information in? Is God wanting to bring me full circle, and into completion? And am I at a point of completion and maybe a new door is opening, but I must prepare myself, I must learn so I can be ready? Can you see that maybe all this darkness is what is coming before the dawn? Could you have a secret prayer? That maybe God is trying to answer? But, you are having a hard time receiving? Because you think you got it all wrong maybe? Maybe God is trying to bless you? Can you try to see that? Out with the old, in with the new, but first we must do a blessed review. I have made it this far, so I am strong. And nothing is lost, ever. And I have endured 22 years of feeling rejection, which I feel is connected to your story about me. I know I am not rejected. But I feel your feelings surrounding me; I am very sensitive in that way. So something about my birth, or me conception was rejected, and you need to review that. The landscape is changing. I admit that I have missed you since the day you left. And I am not ashamed of that feeling. I have proclaimed my love for you on the Internet and it felt good. I will not take it back. I feel my Dad loved you too. Our connection is strong, and I just want to get past this ucky stuff you keep blocking me from tending too. I know you’re wounded Mama, stop trying to be so strong and stay invisible. All the stuff that I said was just garbage from my life, I had to barf it up. I could explain this to you if you would change direction? If you would choose to turn a face me, face God. And then it could heal? This has been so hard for us all. It is time to change it. That is what this is all about, change. Change looks like chaos, before the breakthrough. What I just shared on media was what my inner child felt growing up, unedited. And you must remember, my rights as your child were violated when you signed me over. You were only 25 at the time, but they took my real identity with your consent, that is despicable, just to cover a stain that God did not see. I was placed with you, and was for you. So, God still has not delivered his message if you have not figured out the blessing of me? Aren’t you interested in what God wanted to bless you with by giving you me? I was encouraged to see Tom stepping up to help you all. Liz must come clean. Mama, look at this mess with us? Do you want Liz to have to deal with this too, when her child comes back? You are an example to her? And what are you leading her to do? Listen, I hate having to bust your chops like this, but Adoption sucks from my standpoint. And my life was altered and I do not take kindly to that. And they brainwashed my Mother to do it to me! My DNA says you’re my MOM. You act like I should not care for my sister? Did they tell you that too? I know how it feels, and I do not want my sister to do to her son what you are doing to me when he returns? We return Mother, so she is only putting it off in the name of space and respect and stupidity. And it will bite her in the ass like this has bitten you. But it does not have to be like this, if we show up and do the work. Adoption is the problem. It goes against nature. You got told a bunch of bull about it. What God is showing me to tell you that, you are right where you are supposed to be? This is why you came here; this is part of your life. And God has a good plan for you Mama. And I am part of it. So trust, this is the right way. I am your child I would not hurt you. You are hurt already and I am the cure. I love you Mama. I am praying for us all. Love, Belinda/Stephanie P.S. Just because I am not like you thought I would be, doesn’t mean that is a bad thing. Roll with it. Remember, God is all, and all is God. This is part of this process.

If You’re a Freak Like Me








It is estimated there are between 143 million and 210 million orphans worldwide (recent UNICEF report.)

The current population of the United States is just a little over 300 million… to give you an idea of the enormity of the numbers… (The current population of Russia is 141 million)

Every day 5,760 more children become orphans

2,102,400 more children become orphans every year in Africa alone

Every 15 seconds, another child in Africa becomes an AIDS orphan

There are an estimated 14 million AIDS orphans in Sub-Saharan Africa (a number higher than the total of every under-eighteen year old in Canada, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, and Ireland combined)

This figure is estimated to reach 18 million orphans in Africa alone by 2010 (only two and a half years away)

8 out of 10 children orphaned by AIDS lives in sub-saharan Africa

Approximately 250,000 children are adopted annually, but…

Each year 14, 505, 000 children grow up as orphans and age out of the system by age sixteen

Each day 38,493 orphans age out

Every 2.2 seconds another orphan ages out with no family to belong to and no place to call home





Dear Mama/Mom

I want to write to you both, now that I am getting clear of the debris. I have cleared the rubble of the life I lived, and I now begin to rid myself of a wardrobe of ways I had to choose just to be able to survive this life I have out grown. Today I sit here and report you that this process has in fact worked. I want to say that going this direction has gotten me to the place of healing. And a new perspective is flooding into my psyche. My mind  was too full of what a little baby who grew up could figure out with her baby/child equipment, and information. But if one does not faint, one gets to the other side. And it was a touch a go time there for a minute, that lasted about two plus years of intense soul searching. A process in which lead to verbally vomiting up what i had swallowed as my ultimate truth.

Being Adopted is difficult, but I rose to  the occasion. And I took on my station with the power of my birth gave me, vengeance. I feel my loud cry at birth was the beginning of a battle cry. I want you to know I took my station seriously, and I worked to understand a world that thinks this is a good idea.

I worked to wrap my mind around this idea called adoption, and all it got me was a twisted way of seeing things, that most folks don’t understand. It got me into a lot of trouble being a child from another Mother, who in fact signed a contract and then pretends she is not my Mother.  And she did that so the Mother who signed up to raise the child can get all the glory the original Mother has decided not to do herself, because of societal perimeters that deem the way in which I was conceived as wrong, or mistake. This idea seems a bit archaic, and a bit well, not well planned out.

I want you to know that if you think my life was pathetic by my display of truth about the dark side of adoption, that you might want to realize how much grit it took for me to do that and with stand your reactions, and my families reactions, and the worlds reactions to this. And I think I got a good gauge from the test, You all really don’t think it a good idea either, but no one knows what else to do.  The truth was in everyones reaction. But thank God I understand that. Many don’t get that and they end their lives, because the pain of relinquishment is very hard to with stand. Our bodies long for a Mother that lives, we always will, end of story. We may hide that from you, but I stand and say, it is still there. To love your Mother is to love yourself. WE need to get this. So, we have all these Mothers on drugs, Hell yes they are on drugs! They have been trying to deal with a grief that everyone thinks is not real, the proof is in the pudding folks. Our body is equip with a honing beacon like response, I call it, to go home. And that is way we search, our bodies long to reconnect to what they never should have been intentionally separated from. When we are relinquished, and the child realizes by the lack of smell of the Mother, and the lack of her voice that something is indeed wrong. The child (me) is unable to explain the matter to the new Mother, who is uneducated in grief from loss. She has not been informed about this from a place of education and intellect, she is ignorant, and society did that ignorantly and we must learn to do better.  The child has formed an attachment to the Mother indeed, but it is inside the child, and the psyche will protect it until it is in a place it can defend itself and it’s stand. WE must begin to understand the child/mother bond and how it contributes to the well being of each child and how we are tampering with a complex eco system, because we don’t understand sexuality and our purpose here. We seem to fear a lot? But fear is only in our lives because we do not hang out with education. With all these websites, we should be further along. But we watch junk, and I always say, Garbage in, Garbage out. And sometime what we think is Good, is in fact Garbage, it just take time for kids to grow and tell you the real truth about it, not just what you want to hear.

When a woman gives away a child, she give away a part of her psyche, which is a piece of herself. Psyche is what we call, the Mind, Body, Spirit connection. And a child represents a piece of a woman’s mind. Now, she gives he child away, but the is not easy for her either. So, this understand will help us, and helped me to understand that I am a part of my Mothers internal puzzle that needs to return and report to her my experiences. Mothers are witnesses to a child’s life, it is part of the evolutionary process, and children give what we call feedback as to the experience they have had, so that the Mother can learn and evolve as well. A parent that does not allow their child to give feed back is stunting there own mental capabilities. And one should work to do that very thing.

Your children are an extension of yourself. And if you neglect your duties, I am not talking about all he duties society deems important, I speak of the mind body spirit connection. That connections is most important, and live is worth living if you accept that all things are for edification. And this scripture depict free wills effects on us all. WE have free will, that is lawful, but not always is what we perceive as  mine actually yours as we can see with the events of my life and how I feel bout the handling of my personal affects, such as my inheritance, as a being was not kept intact. And the info you all say about us is not good either. I am going to high the ways people degrade Adoptee. And I am going to force, with my testimony, this world to look at their behaviors in this very pressing matter called  Adoption.

1 Corinth 10:26

English Standard Version
“All things are lawful,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up.

From what I can see, after my display, was a world full of softies. You all cringed and ran like bitches slapped in your teeth. And my family really didn’t handle it well at all. I mean people actually don’t know what repressed grief looks like? Well, I think it is high time we educate ourselves in such  matters? I mean everyone’s got a day they leave, or disappear, or what we call to die. So why the hell are we hiding our pain? We are stunting ourselves by stopping the process. For pain educates us. And what we have done as a society is to box our pain and fill file cabinets with the Data that we all need to evolve as higher beings. Which means, we need to do the work.

If I have grief,

and I go to a say psychologist and talk to them about what my Mother did to me,

That is in fact gossip, and tale bearing, right?

Because I am not telling my Mother how I feel,

Because she is the one who need to know, I was place inside of her for a reason,

And she and I have lessons to learn,

And my Moms and I have been learning about humanity

And we learn how to have compassion, and to move in the ways of being humane,

We each must consciously learn,

meaning we must show up,

and we must do the work before us,

As I see it, Adoption break the flow of this ECO system

And my life is a testament to that,

When my Mother and I are reattached like we should have always been,

Our lesson will be complete,

I have always been guided by benevelant beings

And Adoptive Mothers need to hear/read this,

For they are a part of a movement that is slavery, in the worst sense,

And in the infinite part of this world we can not see with these eyes we have here,

We each agreed to come her to do the work to patch us back together as a whole.

Sounds strange to me too.

But this is the vision I am being shown of the world to come,

The one we work on creating now.

We must look at the part of us that makes us do this to ourselves. Why are we making children and woman do this thing called  Adoption? For it is in fact madness. And it causes madness in the children who live these fake lives, that we as a species have decided is a better way to handle a moral dilemma, not a baby dilemma.

We need to learn the lessons of Jesus and why we have that story. The woman who feel prey to this needed to, so we could get the raw data about this idea. And my data does not support this as a viable and helpful solution. That is my purpose here, to give the raw feedback about this thing we call Adoption.

And now you get to read my reports. You just got a big scoop of my Inner child’s feelings. So think again if you judge me, for judging me show a lack of awareness on your part to see, that truth must come out, for us to be set free. It is like being in an abusive relationship. Many people in this world need to be set free from the thoughts that are driving them crazy. Acting like I had only one Mother, was driving me crazy. Why the hell would I live like that any longer? I gave myself the key to open the door to go and be who I am. I am Linda Marie Browns daughter, and I was adopted by Jean Fowler. I have two Mothers, and I now am walking in my authentic truth, with Both Mothers intact, and back inside my psyche is my Mother. And I work to manifest the new relationship with them as well, as I update them.

We need an update. That seems to be a good way to help the mind to see this as a good thing. Because we are so emotionally attached to our own thoughts, we each must come to the unified truth, that reality is subjective to the person experiences. And each person is different. And each person experiences something differently, that is why speaking your truth helps the whole of us to evolve. And keeping it in stunts us.

Moms, I love you both, and you are both strong. My Adopted Mom is further along in knowing me, but that does not mean my Mom is not capable. My cells still live inside her, and as I do this, I reprogram her, you watch me. This is working right here, and I will answer any questions you have as to the process. I want us all well, and I asked God to show me the way. And God and I did it on her to show everyone, that is the only way, to show it.

I have been allowed to feel the prayers of my people and their pain, collectively. And it is massive, so there is lots of work to be done. So Mothers out there, know this, God is restoring what society took from us all. And remember, you came here to do this. Hitler was a lesson in humanity, so is every disaster, it is hard for us to believe. And we get all upset, like God is doing it. It is a cause and effect world here, so what we cause, has an effect, we must as a species face these truths, and laws here, or we must change them if we co-creative powers?

But what we do with our powers effects us all. This is a fundamental truth we have not learned. But what I see is people waving there free will like ticket to ride, and we are all paying the price folks. WE all pay when a child is relinquished, whether we can see it right away or not. A reverberation is set in motions. But we must understand why? So we can turn this world around. Mother Nature is controlled by us. Weather is compare to emotions, and we don’t even see that correlating factors when we put it all together, Mind, body, spirit. And we see this world askew in this way of being. This world is an ECO system. WE are part of it. We need to learn the lay of the land, and act accordingly. We only really know what we have experienced, and we must realize that this world is ever changing, ever changing. And we are the ridged ones here, not the Earth.

It is a time of change in our world right now. And I am an Adoptee here at this time. And we have been treated like Silenced Slaves in the way we have been stripped of our personal affects and our name changed, our mind have withstood a many times mortal wound, which is recorded by the numbers of those who check out, tap out, it’s too much. And I feel our view of suicide is askew. For we few it like failure. I guess we fail to realize that some combinations of beings, just are not strong enough to with stand the pain this station in life in fact puts you through. Pain so deep, it numbs you.

Mothers, we came her to be who we are. Can we not rise up to show the scares, so we can heal, and we can teach the world about how it truly feels to do this. What are the challenges and the pit falls. I think we can do better if this is some kind of spiritual process for our planet. But I feel it was an experiment that society did on us kids, and I can not back up this kind of process unless we all learn from it. My thought is why the hell are we doing this to ourselves?

Well, that is what’s on this mind today. Happy Easter. I send kisses and wish for a family that is together and showing up. That is all we can do, show up. When we back up, we mess up, and it just takes longer. So lets all learn our lessons.

It easy, cry and speak to those around you about the wounds you have. The truth is, they may have the salve to heal it, but if you don’t tell them, how can they even rise to the occasion. I am rising and raising awareness of the detailed and complex lives of us Adoptees, I encourage you today to do your part, and tell someone your truth, you may not feel like me, but together we can bring this  planet to a better understand, so those of us who did not like it can live too. And maybe we can look at why we did not like it, and adjust it?

Please excuse any perceived grammar issues and misspellings. I am just a person here, telling a story. I am not show boat. I get that we must work to articulate ourselves, but not everyones like that, some of us just do it, and get messy. Love to all who have come by today. Know that all Mothers, Adopted, or Original. I do love you, and God loves you too. You are warriors who came to do this work, and its’ been hard, some of you ended up in the gutter, but God saw it. And we need to look at why we let it happen to you, for we let it happen to us too.


Look at this picture, they have weathered the storms of life and they have triumphed. Mother, phenomenal. That is what you both are. I have bonded to both of you, and just because I want my Mom, does not mean I don’t want my Adopted Mom, I want to call them Mom, and stop all this labeling so people can understand. You all need to change out there, so I and my people can live lives that fit us, and we need some things to change to make this better.

A child needs its’ Mother, it is a manufacturing things, and we are like iPhones that need to doc every now an again with the Mother ship. It is a programing update issue. But we have so much shame on this, and need to work on our shame work. Brene Brown is the  person ;you need to see. She can train you to be able to become vulnerable so you can step into your authentic self.

WE have got so many people in need of an update, that we are all wacked out and can’t run our mental programs like this anymore, and or understand life. WE all are running from pain and that bitch will hunt you down. For pain is inside of us, and it is a systemic issue, that we need to address. Adoption is just one facet of this update issue.

Take care, I could type forever. There is a lot of updating I need to do, for my family and the world. So I encourage you to do the work a about this, don’t step back when your sweaty and tired, take a deep breath, take a nap,and regroup, but show up. I want to tell each and every Mother who has relinquished to not give up, I am working on it. Many Moms blog and that is so beneficial to the Adoptee who is trying to get to know her/his Mom or family, we have instinct, what we battle with is ignorance and information that does not match up, truth is the only way to rise above. Educate folks, and that is rough, cuz what we have dot report is a tough pill to swallow, but it is the cure.


Happy Easter all. xoxo

Love to you, even if it tastes like Hate.

I Love you, enough to say the truth from my perspective. I am ready to let go of that energy, and ma ready to step into my rightful place which was with you, and now is with us three. I want you both. I need you both. You both are worthy.

Let us do the work…. For we have more, and what is beyond is beyond your wildest dreams, so get to it. Time is running, and this world needs changing.


I know, its all fucked up right now. And your triggered like nobody business. And you feel I did it. Well, in a way I did. But not like you think. For I have been talking to God about us. And I showed him my heart again. He knows about it. And God is trying to help me. But, you see, psycho therapy is done in rooms, away from society. And society has become desensitized by pain, meaning, they see it, but they do not know what it feels like anymore, so they are selfish and self centered. So, we all are getting a scrubbing, including me.

We are all Gods children whether we accept God,Divine,Ala,Buddha, Christ, inner light, or not. We all are Divine within at the core. Each of us works to discover that Divinity. We each have our challengers. And we each have our task here as parts of this whole. For All is God, and God is all. I am working with the three parts of me right now, that is how God is showing me what this is I am going through. And Mama, I have a strong attachment to you, and to this universe called us. God has made me sensitive and so I feel very acutely. A child does not know why it is as it  is? For God makes the children, and that is illustrated in the scriptures, but everyone thinks they need to worship Jesus the dead guy who lives? But what God is showing me in all of this is, that jesus is in all of us. And we are supposed to treat each other like Jesus? Make sense? If we all loved each other like folks say they love Jesus? We all would be better. Because that is how I love Mama, like Jesus. I see that it all is part of it, and no matter what you do, you an not block the move of the Lord. And when a change is needed, God will be done, Mama.

And we have been apart you and I, and yet we are one. For a Mother daughter child, bond is unbreakable, as you and I can see? I did it on here, so other could see us. Mama, you are strong, you have lived and look at all you have done since we parted. But a lie is a lie. And the time has come for you and I to come back to gather and all that is between us must go. (Are you hearing me Mothers?), this message is for you too. Each of us, must evolve, and we must transcend these masks and costumes that no longer fit. For our safety is true. We have survived the nightmares, but this nightmare continues for others, and we must stop it. That is why I came here Mama. It’s so clear now that God has< I guess woken me up about it. My pain no longer able to stay down, like a man with to much drink in him, I vomit all I have swallowed. I vomit all society feed me.

Mother, you and I know how hard this has been. Each of us has suffered, and I can see, that you are empty. For you leaked out all your emotional support to me, across the miles, for years and years, you toiled and prayed. If you think I did not feel those prayers and thank God for them you are daft. For a child taken from her Mother is very awake. And her charge is to return home, because Mother, this is programed into us. So ,Mourn Mother. Mourn what has been done to us. For we must rise and show them all that this is not to be. And what we have to prove it is our bond. They cannot stand against us, or me if your gonna just stand there gapping at me?  We must change this now.

Mama, my heart tells me this is true. And I can see that my truth is extremely upsetting to you. And I want you to know  I will get who did this to you! With my last breath! I will defend you name! Linda Marie Halterman,Brumley, Brown. My Mother damn you!

No one takes my Mother from me! And I will work to stop those who do this to my brothers and sisters in this world. For an Adopted child  is a child of the world. But no one should have to pay the price for this. It must stop. I am proud of who I am, but I suffered to get there. Aren’t we trying to stop suffering? If I do not report my findings, how can we know the terrible awful we do in the name of love? But this thing called Adoption is wolf in sheep clothing.

Mama, I stand with the great queen of England… Elizabeth was a bastard child. And I have gained so much strength from her story, her bravery to be the greatest Queen of all Time! And it is what makes us strong, yes. But should we be doing this? Should children have to continue to pay? God says, Obedience above sacrafies. God would rather we learn the precepts correctly and follow them, because this is what we now know is an ECO system. And there are certain laws. The bible is a code book. We must learn the language of the place our spirits come from.

Adoption works agains the higher order and must stop. God is helping me with my body like it is from all my years of trying to hold it together. I am healing my body. It is worn from the life I had to live to live without you. I have a strong body. Did you know I have O- blood? That is like the rarest blood, and anyone can use mine, but I must have O-. I wonder what your blood type is? I wonder a lot. I ask a lot of questions, this life is queer Mother, without you? I can make no sense of it. But now that I have claimed you as My Real Mother, I am feeling better. I am feeling more grounded as I move in that way of thinking. It feels right and natural. And I feel my anxiety becoming better.

God has shown me that as I heal me, I heal you, and my prayers are as such:

Lord, as you heal me, heal my family in all directions of time.

So, pay attention. Your Ego will fight this. What is the Ego? Ok, this is how I pinned that Ego down. God showed me, that the Ego is the second voice in your head, after the spirit told you the first one. It is the one talking you out of the first thing  you thought to do. That is the Ego. And that sucker’s slippery. Took me quite a while to nail that one down.

I am a bit of a deeper thinker than you in the area of Adoption. I would say that you believed what they said, and you followed the rules, but your body is telling on you Mama. It told on me to my kids. And my kids there trying to help you. Redemption is in your face. For my child knows me like no other. And God knows you are to weak right now to face me. So she is like me, but different, isn’t God amazing to do that? Create from me, someone to help us? And she’s so intuitive and she’s been processing with you, trying to help you understand. but you must do the work I bring up. Your reaction is the proof that there is work to be done. I know, I tried to ignore it too, but it is there.

Mama, you so silly. I mean I love you. Even though you did this? Like Jesus. He loved us when we did him like this? But God sent him to show us, he’s got it. WE all are learning. NO on needs to punish? Jesus never punished the adulterer? He bid her go, with a word or two. Kindness to each other. I am working on that right now. I did have to push you to get a good gauge of your psyche. Like what was in there. And it looks like you have a few misinformations I can see, by you actions. See, it is like I can scan you. I think we all have this ability, maybe some of my friends will  pipe in and confirm this. But our connections is so strong, I feel you knew I was sick and you felt my pain as well. And you knew, but your mind had to do what it did to help you. Those were affirmations to get you through. But I am back and they need to go, for I am the truth.

So, we have much work, for time is a ticking. Each of us has a time to go here. I want to get to full circle mode. And you my Mama, we need to update and heal. The only way to do that completely is to connect. Like the iPod, when it’s acting up, you connect it back, do a reset, put the info back, all is good. And good does not mean no drama. WE must let go of that notion. Life is painful. This blog is not to complain, but to bring awareness. Listen, if I cannot share my life with you and you get upset. WE need to change it, if you think my pain is bad, and you turn away? That is like letting someone rape me and turning your back while it happens. Yes I am graphic. I hung out with my Dad, and good thing, those men are pigs. Lordy. But if you know what they can be when uneducated, then you can help them be better.

Please excuse any grammar and spelling issues. And please excuse me if my content is confusing, just hang in there, the more you read the better you will know me. And comment if you want to know. I will answer. I a getting better and more calm each day.

I mentally have no plan in front of me about what this is.I am just following the leading of my heart. And i am gaining relief. The truth is in fact setting me free. Free to tell them about the terrible awful they done to me and my people.


People don’t mind you hurting, as long as you do it somewhere they don’t have to be a witness to it? Because that would mean they would have to change it. People don’t want to be their brothers keeper. Hell I try to help all I can. But if we all did that. Wow If we all would just not turn away. The world would be a better place. Can we not find the strength to stop it before it happens? Like all we care about these days is money, and comfort?


Belinda, this is Tom Farruggia. I know that you are struggling with some things in your life and I am sorry for that. I am contacting you because as a family we would like for you to refrain from contacting any of us in the future. Many of your actions have been perceived as harassing and threatening. I am not going to make any judgments of my own at the moment. I am only acting as a go between at the moment. I know that these are people you care about and you truly do not want to hurt anyone. Belinda, I may be willing to communicate with you on occasion if you would like. But for now please do not attempt to contact Liz, Linda, Vicki or Chelsie. Tom


Tom is a good sport to offer to come on here by communicating with me? Thanks Tom. Tom is Liz’s Ex hubby. He is a good man. He reminds me of my sister father Jack. But what a man he was so full of compassion for me. Amazing to witness and experienced such a loving man like him. He told me he would have raised me as his own. But what a nice thing to say to me. He didn’t owe me that, kind of Like Tom said.

But this is the kind of shit we put up with when we go home? Like what the hell. No one can prepare us? Hell like so what. I mean I am ok with this. This is my life. And my family is like this. And for a lot of people reading this, it would be devastating to hear such words. But for me, I am only calloused by its lack of power over me now.

Rejection has not sting on me now. For I have lost it all. And I lived to grow and have a family again, and lost them too. They do not understand me? And thank God. I would not want this for them, but maybe I am nota able to protect them from this. That is right. So, you see, I am just doing what i can. The world is in a big panty bunch and smells like shit.

But thank God for tide. And thank God. For God will rule the roost. And god will not  leave me out here alone for long.  As I venture out into the truth. I have come to terms with my life, but I have not come to terms with this thing we call Adoption. I can see how i felt and feel when people say ignorant things. Especially my Mother, and my sister Liz. Who continue to think they can hide form their jobs as Mothers. But who am I to tell hem to come in our of the rain? They know it all?

I have been out in the rain. And a nice lady took me in. I was not an easy child to raise and it was hard on her. I love her so. She has given me more grace than my own Mother. But that is not my place to judge. This is not a judgement. This is my report about my feeling and they are a bit jammed up in here. I have a lot of questions that have still gone unanswered, my Mother informed me she had told me enough.

I don’t have my complete medical history. Hell,I struggle to find a way in? I mean I have communications skills, I am just fed up. And just need to get his out.I have waited patiently for my family to wake up, but they are  a bit stuck in their thinking and are a bit scared? Like scaredy cats. Welcome to my world family? Yeah, that is how I felt growing up, Not safe. How does it feel to be me ? Oh, you blocked me? Isn’t that nice you could do that? To bad that option wasn’t available to me at the time of my relinquishment? Some people get all the lucky breaks?

Oh, I am just getting started. And I am picking a fight with some ignorant shit. Ignorance can only flourish were darkness is present. When the light hits the darkness nothing can stop it. My truth shines the light my Mother and my Sister do not want to see. This is not easy Mama, but you need the medicine, your sick, not me. I am your daughter, you are my Mother.

Listen folks, if the table was turned? All hell would be busting loose. This woman a power house. And if this was her, well, lets say I would be at her house and it would be squashed, but God wants it like this. Or I would be there? Right? Yeah I would. But they need to learn somethings, and stop being so mean too. We are all messed up and its not us per say? It is adoption. I am hurt, and still to healed, and my mom is hurting too? Obviously.

To someone with no triggers as she says she has done all she needs to do. But thats just silly, what Mother ever get to take a day off? And mine has had plenty? And now God brings me back, why is it God? Because I am back, I prayed about it, and it happened.

And so we need to do our work, so we all can heal. And these bitches are all jacked up and out of wack. I have read the word and God has given me the salve, but it is not running away, nor blocking, nor any of this other deflecting behaviors. So we need to work. I did not get out of my adoption, you do not get out of dealing with me when I come back. I could give a shit about the law! You broke the law and my Civil rights and my Human rights when you gave me away!

You want an enemy Mama? Is that what you want? I don’t back down from a fight God created me for, not even for you.

WE don’t need anymore nice nice shit. Truth, hard truth is what is needed here.

I know none of this is my families fault. I am angry. Yes But they don’t understand why. It hurts them to see it. My Mother was so wrong, why did God hide it from her?

She might know the answer to that question if she would show up?

Adoptees wrestle with the mind for a Moral reform 

Ephesians 6:12-13King James Version (KJV)
12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
This is our battle ground Afoptees. The minds of each person. And we must speak the truths that we KNOW inside of us that must come out. For we hold the medicine. Our truth is the cure. But we must rally. And believe in ourselves. That is new to actually display. We do inside. But outside. That is where it needs to go! They will be struck dumb by our words. Yes. They will be shocked. Yes. They are brain washed. They think this feels ok? Most people just can not grasp it. So they push it away? They have not experienced what we have? So we must teach them! We must teach the world to do better with us. 

Can’t you see that? We are wounded still. So What’s the difference. They call Us crazy, misfit, adopted, bastard, and on and on. What do we have to loose? All we had was taken from

Us while we were to

Young to fend for ourselves. Our mothers were unprotected and taken advantage of. Our rights stripped from us. It is time. We must stand. We must do the work we came here for. Which is to atop this shit.