My body aches these days. 

My body aches these days. My muscles are sore and it’s hard to do things. But I have struggled to do things for years. It’s just getting to be harder to push myself these days. My body, my machine this spirit lives in is tired. 

And time has become more important. I seem to realize that there is a limit and I do not want to leave things unsaid. Just in case. It has scared me to think of living this world and not having said the hard things to give contrast for the good things to pop. My truth is important so folks can see what being adopted meant to me. An adoptee. 

It has been many things. But as of late I have shred the hard things. Because folks these days seem to only want to hear good with so much bad going on. But if we can not face those demons and look I’m in the eye, how can we change this world for the better? How can we rise above? 

We all have a purpose here. Mine is being adopted, a daughter, a mother, a wife and a friend. I am a preacher, an artist, a chef, a singer, a teacher as well as a learner. I quilted and seeed cloths for my children. I taught children how to sew. I have taught children who are problem kids with hard lives to live. My purpose has encompasse many things. 

It’s like gods prodding me. To speak up. With a hot iron of spirit that makes me yalp my truth. God has squeezed me and I have wept. Seeing the truth of my mother. For I had hoped she wanted me back. I had hope she would see the blessing in me if she knew. My love. My pain being without her. 

I feel my time is set. And lately it feels like it is close. Could be years away. But that is not what I feel. It’s like I tie up loose ends with those I love. And yes. It scares the hell out of me. Guess that’s good. I surely don’t need to take hell with me. 

My post are pointed and straight as I can make them so folks can see straight into my broken heart and the broken heart of god within me. For a world gone mad. That jerks babies around and throw them here and there as if God is mistaken.  I feel gods pain about this. And god wants me to share it with the world to try to get through. Like an arrow sent into the world each child has a mark. And my mark is to bring awareness to bring change. 

My Mama says I need help. Funny. I have needed help my whole life. Thank God for Mama Jean who showed up to help me. It was not easy. My pain of loss was an aweful burden for her to carry. And she did not deserve that. But she took it just the same. God within her showed up. 

She blessed me with her love and care. She made me feel special. Wanted. Accepted. But there was one who did not do that. And that pain haunted me my whole life. And it made me sick and discouraged, not wanting rejection again I became a people pleaser. Not knowing what my pain was. Everyone told me I was fine. I was blessed to have a mommy. But I kept thinking Bout my first mommy. 

It pledged me, the questions without answers. As I watch girls with their Mothers. And how they matched. It hurt me I could not have that too. Why did not my hearts desire matter? To her, my own mommy? I thought surely she made a mistake. Surely she was sorry. But no. She was not. And I wept when I finally swallowed the pill of her truth. I wept so hard as I faced it. What my heart knew but my mind do not want to see and believe. 

For without her there to show me, I made up another story. One where she was eating for me to return. Where we would cry and greive our loss together. But that is not what her story was at all. She saw a mistake each time she looked at me. Her heart closed to god in me. Her heart cold towards the gift god sent to her. 

And my body aches I feel because my own mother thinks such things of her own flesh. And I see that I carry that pain. And I see now that that pain is leaving after telling how I feel and felt all those years. She did not want me to out her. She did not want to know. But I did. I needed to know what my mind had hidden from me so I could heal. 

I want others to heal too. So I write. Time is of the essence. For I know not the hour God will call me. And this report is needed. My words are needed. So I must tell my story howeve tragic it is to hear or twisted it whatever. It’s mine. So I must tell the truth. 

So here it is. On this blog for all to see what I felt and thought. How twisted around I was and am by a thing we call love. 

Thank you for diving deep with me today
God bless you. 

You made your Bed, Now lay in it

You made your Bed, now lay in it.

You think you did a good thing, yep it work out all great.

Then came the day I called on you,

And that was your undoing. You think your holding it together, but your only buying time.

For the pop knot that is going to hit you,

You sent out to yourself.

Now lay in the bed you made, without me there to hold

Your child is grown and has her own

Ideas, experiences, and opinions now

You thought you had it all mapped out,

without the Lord you did.

But God has other things to show you,

But you just ran and hid.

Go lay in that bed.

Go back to sleep.

Go and lick your wound.

It stinks.

For I tried to tend to it,

But you pushed me away.

You don’t seem to know, I know the wound.

Or why would you bat me away?

Go lay in the stinky bed you made long long ago.

I guess you kind like it.

So lay there.

You think I am kidding, I am just getting warmed up

Adoption is my life. And trying to figure out what the hell happened is my journey.

You think I will just go back into that box you placed me in at the door of the church or the hospital, but I am grown and to big for that anymore. In fact I was to big for it the day you gave me away.

Some children lament on private chat rooms, I vent here at the worldwide web, so all can learn my story.

I give it to you in pieces, but one day you can watch the movie.

Right now, I am just letting the cat out the bag.

I am letting my inner child speak. And she’s just getting warmed up.

For truth is what sets us free, it hurts at first, the cut is deep.

My truth hit me at two days old.

No mommy to smell and cherish. She did not even cherish herself. For to do this to me like this proves she did not even know what a thing could do. And now all she does is blah, blah, blah. Excuses, excuses, excuses.

My sisters too. Like do they even love themselves? To leave me out here like this? Nope.

But who taught them to be so?

They learned from their leader. And they think I am going to put up with this shit? Oh, they are wrong indeed.

I will shout it from the house tops of the street they left me out in.

Dont treat me like shit and then say you know Christ?

You don’t even know yourselves, how can you know a sovereign God? And yet treat your own sister like this?

Why to practice? Relationships are about relating? I am relating, you are just stuck.

Dont come try to talk to me later. You had your chance. I do not need a family like this. Nope.

You think your the only one who has standards? Nope. I have some of my own.

Ignorance is not one of them. And your loaded with it.

All of you. Even Victoria. Who has the faithfulness of an alley cat.

Great big sister, she can’t even get our Mother to see. Oh, that’s right, she doesn’t want to loose her place? Well, have it all sister. Have it all. I hope your happy.

Dont cry to me when she is gone. I have cried mine all out. Long ago. Everyday.

Longing for dumb fucks like you. Who treat your own sister like me. No understanding in an ignorance camp.

Goodbye. Is what I say to such a family as this.

I now have blocked you. And I now move right along. I gave you ALL A chance.

And you didn’t even get past first base. Beyond faithfulness and care is blessing beyond compare. But truth is the only foundation that can hold it up. And we are on sinking sand.

 

Cuz you all be out to lunch. Go ahead, Mama, block me. Oh, that is right, I blocked you now.

Can you blame me? Nope? No blame. Just truth. Thanks for the slap to the other cheek.

Now you can wait for the slap on yours, for cause and affect is according to your output. I only finish the feedback loop so I can move on.

But i don’t even want to be around you guys. Like shopping all the time. You don’t even know who to converse? Go hide in your bible. Go hide in your house?

But remember this, what you sowed has grown, so be mad at you.

Excuse the hell out of me for not just loving this life you gave me with out you?

Thanks

You know, if you hold it in, if only draws it back to you. Guilt is a sticky energy. And shame is the sister. So good luck trying to wipe it off, the only way out is through the darkness of it all, then we see the light.

 

May Adoptees take the Divines hand and step out of the dark….It is time

What we have is important, tell your story. So we can change. Help the world to see it, for we know…what they only fail to grasps, we have grown and can use our words and feelings to make it clear now. WE have grown and we have survived this, but nothing changes and our pain no place to go, if we do not make the world learn about what it means to be ADOPTED FOR REAL… in all of its glory. The new paints a pink or blue picture of such happiness, tell them of your sorrow of having to live without our Mothers and how hard it his for us to rise above it. Because Mothers are important to their Children, even the ones they throw away, because the world said so. We, the Adotpee’s have the words to break the spell that keep us in a world that could do such a thing to a child at all.

“Bring Me To Life”
(feat. Paul McCoy)

How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I’ve become so numb
Without a soul my spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Now that I know what I’m without
You can’t just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life
(I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside)
Bring me to life

Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead

All this time I can’t believe I couldn’t see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
Don’t let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life
(I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside)
Bring me to life