Being adopted means that a child is born, but an adopted child is born to two families. One person is the new parent waiting for the child, and one is letting that child go. And it is a death of sorts for all.
When we plant a seed into the ground, many things have to happen for that seed to grow. And one of them is death, and in that dying, the seed is born, as the earth presses on it, and causes it to burst open. Like a live man buried in the ground, it digs to find the light. It soaks up the minerals from the soil and oxygen that is trapped inside of the earth, and sucks up the water around it, it grows towards the light. And I was entombed the day my Mother left me, buried under whatever she had thought about me. And her thoughts were not good, let me tell you. How do I know? Well, she did not keep me, that is what I see. And I ask myself why? What is the purpose of God sending children to woman that don’t want them? Does that sentence even make sense reading it? No, it does not. For as we watch nature, we see an order, and if the order is that children must go? Well, then everyones got to do that? Or none of us, Is what I see? Or we can do better by handling children with more care? Instead of just throwing them here and there and letting them reel from it.
One thing must die before a new thing can be. And the day I was born, I died and was reborn to another I did not come from. That’s a pretty good calisthenics trick folks. That is a pretty big pill to shove down my throat. And for me, and my Mothers, we had unfinished business with each other that needed to be tended to. Story lines change in this life. Like you don’t get on a train and just keep going to the same place, you get on new trains and you go to new places. And our journey is changing and growing. Because I have grown, and also come home, so, our relationship needs to change and evolve too. As all things do.
The day I was born was the beginning of a new life for me. One full of love, or so they all say. But life is a two edged sword, and things cut each of us, and parents are not the ones who call the shots for there kids, they do what is within them to do. And that doing is not the same for each parent. But the day I was born another thing happened, and it was a sad moment for us all. You say, why would you be sad? Or why would all of you be sad? Because one woman got the child that God sent to another, which meant God had to take care of the gift the best way now, not the way in which God had intended it to be.
Now sadness is not such a bad energy. It is like when you go to shoot that arrow and miss the mark, you wanted. Its like darn. But most of us, just get another arrow and shoot again? Well, God had to shoot again. The woman God sent the gift to, refused it, and thus used her free will card. But what she did not know was the true cost of that move. What did it mean to relinquish me to me? How did that feel? She did not know, until I came clean.
Here is what it meant to me-
- Death of a dream
- Confusion (on my part)
- Anger (which is pains reaction)
- Penned up grief ( which was given no place to go for expression) and which was love, and value for the vessel I was made from
- I had to learn another Mother, and was way behind other kids, for I did not have the 9 months to learn within her
- My body did not respond well to relinquishment, and gave me much grief, as well as Mama Jean.
When a child dies such as I did that day in January. A cold wind brew over my Mothers heart and froze it in time. Me, the child, and she my Mother, there, frozen in time forever in her mind. And she painted a picture in her mind of me. And she sealed that part of herself away there, with me. I felt it my whole life. Her love, her feeling of loss, like a blanket of energy we carried together. How do I know this? WE have many of the same things in common, health issues, like teeth problems, heart palpitations, our demeanor, our strengths, a boldness, and a faith in god, that is a bond we share, in an invisible string that keeps us forever bonded together, though apart. Now, whether she is aware of it or not, I am aware of it, and have seen it in action as I watch her behaviors.
There is a funny thing that happens to a child taken from their Mother, you notice it all. Relinquishment opens us up like other children are not. Its like you are broken open, and notice all the nuances, that other children and families take for granted. it is a torn in the flesh, that makes you see things others can not.
And I remember walking in the fields near the home I grew up in, and singing to a lady spirit that would meet me there beside the still waters. It was like I was transported into a dream where she was, like one of my angels. I would sing to her and profess my love to her daily. Her love was the purest of all to me. And I know that god helped me do that, and was the one who came to me now. And her spirit was strong. I would remember, as my mind would play it back to me what I had experienced within her, and I would be comforted. She would sing back to me, and my spirit was filled up. God was in her, as she loved me from the place she was. And we longed for each other, she the woman who came to me. And I vowed to come and find her one day. And I prayed God would help me.
You know, dreams are the beginnings of change, and the beginning of getting your desires. I had a dream that I nurtured for my whole life, and prayed for the day when I could meet her to show her the blessing that I was. I thought, surely she had missed it, surely she was upset as I was too? But I felt God could make a way. And God did.
When a child or other loved one dies, they become entombed within the person, in a place within their minds. A room if you will, that is marked with their name on it, and a do not disturb sign placed to hang on the door knob. Only they can enter there. And we build this place with all of the collected memories we have shared with the person who is now gone. Lovingly we place them inside the room that has been and always will be theirs, but now, it is the only place we can go to meet them, with our memories, we go there to visit. And remember a time when we were connected, one, yet two. My soul road in her body and grew.
But spirits grow, just like children. For children are organic bodies containing spirits, just like we are adult bodies containing spirits. And spirits are infinite and uncontainable, and they grow. And the body is supposed to work with the spirit within, not dominate the whole thing. As I see it. The spirit within me is God, and God and I are here to live life through this body. My mind is like a hard drive, that stores memories, information, and feelings. It is a switchboard as well. Each one of us is a pungent square of organic matter, cells,codes, DNA, water, bacteria, fat,and spirit, guiding the way. Men call spirit their gut. And they are right. The spirit will get a hold of your gut if your going to miss a turn. It is not about health, it’s about connection, to the spirit within. These are things I have learned being adopted, as I reflect and look over my life, I see these things.
Ok, back to my Story, I’ll write more about that later.
My Mothers entombed me in the rooms they had for me, and for a time, those rooms were very lovely. Even thought I had to grow without my Mama. I worked to show appreciation as best I could. I found solos in both rooms, as life raged on and around me, sometimes, not making sense at all. My mind in a whirl from over stimulation, by means of taking my Mom, or removing her from me. I would just stare, and my mind would wander around, just blowing this way, and that. I felt like leaf in the proverbial wind , but more like a tree, with no roots, floating above and around everyone. Not connected, but rather, disconnected, excluded, on the outside looking in at all the fun that seemed to be within. It was as if I floated through life entombed in two bubbles created by two woman, trying to protect me, from what they could not protect me from. I experienced it as a bubble child. A weirdo, a freak.
I knew I did not speak like others, yes, I knew. But no one really told me, I was messed up. I wandered from special class to special class, trying to learn as much as my whirling mind could stand, to help me be the best daughter I could to make my Mothers proud. All little girls want to make their Mommy’s proud, why would a whirly twirly girl like me be different? I was the same inside, it just didn’t come out right, cuz my body had something happen to it. I spent a lot of time at the doctors office with Mama Jean trying to figure out what was wrong? Yeah, wrong with me. I would get sick a lot. And as I look back, it was a coping mechanism, my body was mourning the loss, and it did not take to the separation well. My mind was strong, and I would push it down, as doctors aided me with drugs to help. Mama Jean spent much time with me, which built empathy towards me empathy that Mama Linda was not learning. Because I was not with Mama Linda.
Mama Jean watched what relinquishment did to my body. She did not consciously know it. Or did she? But she tended it, the best she could, considering she did not make me. What was the right thing to do? Why is she sick? What am I doing wrong? And they all knew, deep down, I feel that I did not take well to the move. I would rather sleep, because when I slept, there was no pain, and I could go to her in my dreams, where I would love her, and she would love me. I would check out in class, anywhere, and go there, to be with her, and remember who I was, and who I came from. Her words of instructions to my sisters, were memorized and assimilated within me. I fought with Mama Jean, because she did not do it right? Or the way my body remembered. But we did manage to find respect. She was the boss of me. But not my inner world, no she was not the boss there.
In my inner world, no one was boss, except God. And God of course was loving and fun, and there was plenty of everything there. And mama Linda, but I did not know her name, it was just Mama. Many times Mama Jean would be busy, to busy and not able to nurture me as I needed and wanted? Well, wanting for children is needing. Kids just want love, and they do what they have to to get it. I escaped inside. In a world I made, where it was safe, and loving and calm, and fun, and I met my Mother there. She adored me there. She loved me there. but it was just us there, and I wanted to know my sisters and brothers too.
And as I grew, I went to that place less. My dragon went with me, as I pretended, to cope with a loss no one wanted to see, alone, with my imaginary Mama. Trying to make sense of this woman calling herself my Mother. I know, it sounds so cold. I am not cold, I love her very much. But she speaks another language than my clan, and it has taken me years and years to even accept her ways. Many of which are not like my ways. And to try and find the love in many things that have caused me pain. Sounds like Stockholm’s syndrome? Hmmm? Yep.
I was entombed by two woman. Both with their own stories, which was quite daunting if you will pause and think about it. People know when a missing person is still alive. We see the reports all the time, a mother just knows and keeps searching for that child and finds them. It is part of this bodies on board radar system. I was no different, I knew my Mother still lived. As I grew, my bubbles had to grow, but my Mothers could not allow that. There were strict guidelines to follow. And there was no way back, just yet. And, I must meet Mama linda in my mind and I must live with Mama Jean in reality. And I did my best, I would get a bit restless and misbehave now and again, but you can understand, now can’t you? Seeing that I loved them both and wanted to play nice. But they were being a bit selfish, both of them. By expecting me to tow this line, carry this cross, alone.
And these last years, I basically have been circling and trying to figure out a way, to break out of my bubbles. But the way would have to be radical, and it would change it forever. I would not be able to go back, and would have to confront them on it. I would have to face it, alone, face them alone, but not completely, remember, God is within. Guiding me as well, showing me how to cope, calling me into a new dream so I could cope with her loss, my first love was gone and yet she still lives. And I had loved her so, I sent her loving energy as I swirled inside her belly. I danced with her, I sung with her, trying to make the words. And when I was born, I yelled so loud, and I am sure I was trying to tell her not to do this! I loved her and was a gift, but she did not understand, for I had no words yet to tell her so, I was just a baby. She did not understand, Mommy!!!! I cried inside me and I cried and yelled at the top of my lungs! Mommy!!! Dont go! I love you, I came to love you! Let me love you! Dont do this to us! Please! Please! But she was soon gone.
Later as Mama Jean would tell me, as Uncle John and she looked on, I would push myself up and over. New borns do not do those things, and I know that I was trying to get to her, my Mama, to stop this insanity, to tell her she got it wrong, all wrong. But I had no words to describe it to her, my voice would not work, my limbs would not take me were I wanted to go, to her arms, to smell her sent, to suckle from her, to gaze into her eyes, as all children do. But what could I do, my course was set, as I grappled with the white hot sting of her rebuke. I was stunned. I was struck, it was like Harry Potters mark, a forever indelible mark was on me. Rewrite, assignment change, and no instructions, no goodbyes, no comfort, no comprehension of what just happened to me?
I was frozen in time. Encapsulated. Like an egg around my brain, and it would take me years to peck my way out. And gain the strength to speak and sing my song of sadness, to make folks see what it really was like for me. An Adoptee.
I don’t know about my sister, they don’t speak of it. I imagine they are escaping, and not able to break out of the shell yet, but I am going to chirp and sing, so they will keep pecking to gain the strength to do so.
This last year, I flung that room my Mothers had blocked for there eyes only. I ran into those dirty, dusty rooms of consciousness, and blew it out of the water. I cleaned that shit up, turned them upside down, I imagine much like I felt? Not what I consciously intended? But that is what I have learned is that the force in which we react, is the force in which it will return, it took me years, but this sucker punch has returned. And if I am honest with myself and you, the world, looking on as I strip naked before you and show you my wounds, I would say, I did not want to let go of this boomerang. I held it as long as God would let me. Because I knew it was going to take their breath away, and cause them such pain. Pain, I knew to well. And had endured alone, with god.
Children want to heal, and I am no different. But the way, Mama’s, yes, Mama’s, I am talking to you my darling Mama’s. The way to healing is the high road of truth. And I am here, with my hand outstretched to hold your hands, ever so firmly, so you know, my Love is real. And that it is strong. And that God in me is showing you the way through the darkness I kept from you for so long. The darkness you did not want to see is there, when you turn the light on in an old room, that is for a girl who still lives, but who you thought I was, was not who I am.
And now that those rooms have seen the light of my day. And the curtains have been washed and pressed, and placed on the windows, after the paint I place on the walls is dry, yellow, and fresh flowers have been placed there. All the buggers, and monsters have been run out. I chased them away, I shot them with my truth, we faced it, what we all felt and did not talk about. I forced my way! With God blowing it out of the water through me! God is God, and God will have his way! And change was the only way to true healing, facing that nasty, cleaning it up, freshening it up. Letting that old story go, sell it, burn it, and rise above it!
I love you both. And I, your daughter, made it back to you Linda! And I made it back to you Jean! I traveled to dark places in your minds and cleaned out what was not really me, but was your dream of me. And now you see me face to face and know, that I am a spirit within this body, that we, three, Mind, body, spirit, are more than a dream, I am a reality, an idea in human form. And God approves of this message, the proof ,because I am here.
And my message to those who hurt too is this, your important, you are here for a reason. Our truth can set others free from having to go through this to live.
Thank you for diving deep with me.
And God bless