My body aches these days. 

My body aches these days. My muscles are sore and it’s hard to do things. But I have struggled to do things for years. It’s just getting to be harder to push myself these days. My body, my machine this spirit lives in is tired. 

And time has become more important. I seem to realize that there is a limit and I do not want to leave things unsaid. Just in case. It has scared me to think of living this world and not having said the hard things to give contrast for the good things to pop. My truth is important so folks can see what being adopted meant to me. An adoptee. 

It has been many things. But as of late I have shred the hard things. Because folks these days seem to only want to hear good with so much bad going on. But if we can not face those demons and look I’m in the eye, how can we change this world for the better? How can we rise above? 

We all have a purpose here. Mine is being adopted, a daughter, a mother, a wife and a friend. I am a preacher, an artist, a chef, a singer, a teacher as well as a learner. I quilted and seeed cloths for my children. I taught children how to sew. I have taught children who are problem kids with hard lives to live. My purpose has encompasse many things. 

It’s like gods prodding me. To speak up. With a hot iron of spirit that makes me yalp my truth. God has squeezed me and I have wept. Seeing the truth of my mother. For I had hoped she wanted me back. I had hope she would see the blessing in me if she knew. My love. My pain being without her. 

I feel my time is set. And lately it feels like it is close. Could be years away. But that is not what I feel. It’s like I tie up loose ends with those I love. And yes. It scares the hell out of me. Guess that’s good. I surely don’t need to take hell with me. 

My post are pointed and straight as I can make them so folks can see straight into my broken heart and the broken heart of god within me. For a world gone mad. That jerks babies around and throw them here and there as if God is mistaken.  I feel gods pain about this. And god wants me to share it with the world to try to get through. Like an arrow sent into the world each child has a mark. And my mark is to bring awareness to bring change. 

My Mama says I need help. Funny. I have needed help my whole life. Thank God for Mama Jean who showed up to help me. It was not easy. My pain of loss was an aweful burden for her to carry. And she did not deserve that. But she took it just the same. God within her showed up. 

She blessed me with her love and care. She made me feel special. Wanted. Accepted. But there was one who did not do that. And that pain haunted me my whole life. And it made me sick and discouraged, not wanting rejection again I became a people pleaser. Not knowing what my pain was. Everyone told me I was fine. I was blessed to have a mommy. But I kept thinking Bout my first mommy. 

It pledged me, the questions without answers. As I watch girls with their Mothers. And how they matched. It hurt me I could not have that too. Why did not my hearts desire matter? To her, my own mommy? I thought surely she made a mistake. Surely she was sorry. But no. She was not. And I wept when I finally swallowed the pill of her truth. I wept so hard as I faced it. What my heart knew but my mind do not want to see and believe. 

For without her there to show me, I made up another story. One where she was eating for me to return. Where we would cry and greive our loss together. But that is not what her story was at all. She saw a mistake each time she looked at me. Her heart closed to god in me. Her heart cold towards the gift god sent to her. 

And my body aches I feel because my own mother thinks such things of her own flesh. And I see that I carry that pain. And I see now that that pain is leaving after telling how I feel and felt all those years. She did not want me to out her. She did not want to know. But I did. I needed to know what my mind had hidden from me so I could heal. 

I want others to heal too. So I write. Time is of the essence. For I know not the hour God will call me. And this report is needed. My words are needed. So I must tell my story howeve tragic it is to hear or twisted it whatever. It’s mine. So I must tell the truth. 

So here it is. On this blog for all to see what I felt and thought. How twisted around I was and am by a thing we call love. 

Thank you for diving deep with me today
God bless you. 

Breaking up a holding pattern is not easy, but it can be done.

Breaking up my old holding patterns that I held with my Mothers was not easy. But this blog is proof it can be done. It is hard work of the soul, working with DNA within the body that has been programed by so many down the ages. Our ancestors program us all. That is what has fascinated me about being an Adoptee, the patterns in different people and families.

When you don’t know who you came from, or why you act as you do. When you don’t act like anyone you know? You become fascinated by the pattern in families. And you learn from them all. You learn their ways. And you are forced to act in ways that your body does not always like. Like foods you eat and things you do, ways you act, as in ways they act. It is quite fascinating indeed and as an Adoptee, I was watching everyone. Cuz my family was gone. So I needed to learn all I could to live and be my best. My birth Mother does not agree with my best and obviously judges me by her standards only.

I came to broaden her view and the views of my family. I mean I have learned that there ways are not like my ways for sure. Keeping family secrets is one I saw and confronted. It is not good to keep secrets from family members, it is hurtful. Especially when a child is the secret. I marvel at how my sisters just think it great? They say nothing about how I am treated. But codependency is like that isn’t it? Keeping the holding pattern in place so as not to tip the boat? Well, this boat is sinking folks. It has always been taking water. And the day I returned? Well, it was doomed to drown.

And that boat sinking, is not so bad. If we plan for it? If we call in another boat. A boat where all can ride? And get along? But when you are merging a new boat with new passengers, you must have a meet a greet. And truth should be the best foot first. Even if its hard to take. When we learn about others, and there strength and weaknesses, for a team does not work well unless all strength and weaknesses are visible and accessed. We see, that one has this strength and this weakness and we pare them with someone who has the strength to cover their weakness, you see?

Everyone wants to lead with their strength, but I look at the weaknesses, so that I can be that strength, when they need it. That is a good team member who know all about the people they are on a team or boat with. Only seeing strengths is lopsided as I see it. Because if you do not see the weakness, you will be blindsided when the person weak in that area is called to act. And so, we, if good team mate learn to help those who struggle in a certain area, to help them be stronger.

Our boats are merging, and have merged, but my Mother and sisters and nieces and nephews have not gotten off the old boat. You know, the one without me? And my boat, the boat God wishes us to get into, is so cool. Its full of love, and laughs and authenticity and honesty, like most families. But ours is slit up, we don’t act like a real family? What sisters would not invite their sister to come a visit? And me invite them? Ours. Except my sister Vicky, I invited her, and she came. It was amazing to have my big sister here. I was comforted to have her here. xo

But my other sisters, well, they are in their own little worlds without me. It seems they like it without their sister? And that troubles me, as a christian and as a sister. It troubles me that they could care less? They enjoy my Mother, and weekends and camping with her? Without me? Hmmm? Seems they think I could care less too? Well, I do care. I am a sister for God sake, like one who has dreamed of sisters so lovely as they? And yet, they do not feel the same? God has given us a chance, and I am tired of squandering it. They are God fearing folks? Do they not wish to let me into the fold? As God instructs? Hell, I opened my home to strangers, homeless folks? They can’t even let their sister in? Where is Christ in that?

Fear of the unknown is strong. And I smell it with them. I am coming back after all this time and turning it all up side down. But that is not true. The day I left it was turn upside down, I bring it right side up, and folks don’t really like change. I disrupt the feedback loop they are in. But that is not so bad? Would they want me to treat them so if they were me? Hell, no. I know how that feels. but would they want me to just forget them? Or not even try? And yet they are content to just go on without knowing me? Really knowing me?

Like my one sister who has relinquished a child, Yes the pattern continued and my sister followed int he steps of my Mother. And so you see, the feedback look of Adoption continues. And a child will come home.And my sister has the one person that can help her with that time, right within her grasp. And yet she has not reached out to me, she has recoiled. To the point that I had to come on her, and out her, so she would tell her children. They said they did. But, well, I am not sure about that. Her children have a right to know about their brother. Cant she see how it went with my Mother and me? Hello, wake up honey, don’t be like this? Guess she can’t see that side of it. To prepare is to be aware. Sister babe, I am proud of you for telling them if you did, but if not? Get to it, they will find these posts and be pissed you chose not to speak truth to them. Also, if you are lying, which is to withhold the truth, you will see lies in them and we don’t want that. It says a little leaven leaveneth the whole lump, now does it not?

It is not easy speaking truth to a family that has lived a lie for so long. The lie is living without their sister, who is alive and wanting to know them, all of them. So what I am weird? So what if I am strange, to you maybe? But your strange to me, especially since you are so distant and like not even talking to me? Hello?

Codependency is deep in this situation. You play the role Mama gives you. And you forget me. Your sister. And yes I am calling you out on my blog before the whole world, why? Well, 24 years of trying on my part, that is why? Because you all block me? Because you have not tried to understand me? You have judged me unstable? Well, hell ya! My family is not even treating me like family? Going on trips without me? I don’t expect much? But how in the hell will we know each other? Liz, you have so many kids, and you have all those parties, and I was the pastry chef at the Wild horse Saloon! I was trained in many of the best hotels in the nation. Like I could slam it out for you? Nope, you don’t even like me I guess? I painted your bathroom for god sake? Like that is sisterly? And you don’t even call me when you get a divorce? Hell, I can’t call you, I don’t have your number, or your address? You guys treat me as though I am some felon, which I am not.

And this party is not a party at all. In fact no one had a party for me? But I have made each of you things. Have you? No. And I have sent cards and tried to build a bridge, you dropped the ball. Its like fort knox, this family. And why? What is the deal? You don’t need another sister? Well, to bad, cuz you got one and you really never had the choice. So lets change this feedback loop, this holding pattern is getting in the way of progress. The progress is to merge into what we always have been. Family.

Thank you for diving deep with me.

And God Bless

When a child is adopted, a child dies…

Being adopted means that a child is born, but an adopted child is born to two families. One person is the new parent waiting for the child, and one is letting that child go. And it is a death of sorts for all.

When we plant a seed into the ground, many things have to happen for that seed to grow. And one of them is death, and in that dying, the seed is born, as the earth presses on it, and causes it to burst open. Like a live man buried in the ground, it digs to find the light. It soaks up the minerals from the soil and oxygen that is trapped inside of the earth, and sucks up the water around it, it grows towards the light. And I was entombed the day my Mother left me, buried under whatever she had thought about me. And her thoughts were not good, let me tell you. How do I know? Well, she did not keep me, that is what I see. And I ask myself why? What is the purpose of God sending children to woman that don’t want them? Does that sentence even make sense reading it? No, it does not. For as we watch nature, we see an order, and if the order is that children must go? Well, then everyones got to do that? Or none of us, Is what I see? Or we can do better by handling children with more care? Instead of just throwing them here and there and letting them reel from it.

One thing must die before a new thing can be. And the day I was born, I died and was reborn to another I did not come from. That’s a pretty good calisthenics trick folks. That is a pretty big pill to shove down my throat.  And for me, and my Mothers, we had unfinished business with each other that needed to be tended to. Story lines change in this life. Like you don’t get on a train and just keep going to the same place, you get on new trains and you go to new places. And our journey is changing and growing. Because I have grown, and also come home, so, our relationship needs to change and evolve too. As all things do.

The day I was born was the beginning of a new life for me. One full of love,  or so they all say. But life is a two edged sword, and things cut each of us, and parents are not the ones who call the shots for there kids, they do what is within them to do. And that doing is not the same for each parent. But the day I was born another thing happened, and it was a sad moment for us all. You say, why would you be sad? Or why would all of you be sad? Because one woman got the child that God sent to another, which meant God had to take care of the gift the best way now, not the way in which God had intended it to be.

Now sadness is not such a bad energy. It is like when you go to shoot that arrow and miss the mark, you wanted. Its like darn. But most of us, just get another arrow and shoot again? Well, God had to shoot again. The woman God sent the gift to, refused it, and thus used her free will card. But what she did not know was the true cost of that move. What did it mean to relinquish me to me? How did that feel? She did not know, until I came clean.

Here is what it meant to me-

  1. Goodbye
  2. Death of a dream
  3. Sadness
  4. Loss
  5. Confusion (on my part)
  6. Anger (which is pains reaction)
  7. Penned up grief ( which was given no place to go for expression) and which was love, and value for the vessel I was made from
  8. I had to learn another Mother, and was way behind other kids, for I did not have the 9 months to learn within her
  9. My body did not respond well to relinquishment, and gave me much grief, as well as Mama Jean.

When a child dies such as I did that day in January. A cold wind brew over my Mothers heart and froze it in time. Me, the child, and she my Mother, there, frozen in time forever in her mind. And she painted a picture in her mind of me. And she sealed that part of herself away there, with me. I felt it my whole life. Her love, her feeling of loss, like a blanket of energy we carried together. How do I know this? WE have many of the same things in common, health issues, like teeth problems, heart palpitations, our demeanor, our strengths, a boldness, and a faith in god, that is a bond we share, in an invisible string that keeps us forever bonded together, though apart. Now, whether she is aware of it or not, I am aware of it, and have seen it in action as I watch her behaviors.

There is a funny thing that happens to a child taken from their Mother, you notice it all.  Relinquishment opens us up like other children are not. Its like you are broken open, and notice all the nuances, that other children and families take for granted. it is a torn in the flesh, that makes you see things others can not.

And I remember walking in the fields near the home I grew up in, and singing to a lady spirit that would meet me there beside the still waters. It was like I was transported into a dream where she was, like one of my angels.  I would sing to her and profess my love to her daily. Her love was the purest of all to me.  And I know that god helped me do that, and was the one who came to me now. And her spirit was strong. I would remember, as my mind would play it back to me what I had experienced within her, and I  would be comforted. She would sing back to me, and my spirit was filled up. God was in her, as she loved me from the place she was. And we longed for each other, she the woman who came to me. And I vowed to come and find her one day. And I prayed God would help me.

You know, dreams are the beginnings of change, and the beginning of getting your desires. I had a dream that I nurtured for my whole life, and prayed for the day when I could meet her to show her the blessing that I was. I thought, surely she had missed it, surely she was upset as I was too? But I felt  God could make a way. And God did.

When a child or other loved one dies, they become entombed within the person, in a place within their minds. A room if you will, that is marked with their name on it, and a do not disturb sign placed to hang on the door knob. Only they can enter there. And we build this place with all of the collected memories we have shared with the person who is now gone. Lovingly we place them inside the room that has been and always will be theirs, but now, it is the only place we can go to meet them, with our memories, we go there to visit. And remember a time when we were connected, one, yet two. My soul road in her body and grew.

But spirits grow, just like children. For children are organic bodies containing spirits, just like we are adult bodies containing spirits.  And spirits are infinite and uncontainable, and they grow. And the body is supposed to work with the spirit within, not dominate the whole thing. As I see it. The spirit within me is God, and God and I are here to live life through this body. My mind is like a hard drive, that stores memories, information, and feelings. It is a switchboard as well. Each one of us is a pungent square of organic matter, cells,codes, DNA, water, bacteria, fat,and spirit, guiding the way. Men call spirit their gut. And they are right. The spirit will get a hold of your gut if your going to miss a turn. It is not about health, it’s about connection, to the spirit within. These are things I have learned being adopted, as I reflect and look over my life, I see these things.

Ok, back to my Story, I’ll write more about that later.

My Mothers entombed me in the rooms they had for me, and for a time, those rooms were very lovely. Even thought I had to grow without my Mama. I worked to show appreciation as best I could.  I found solos in both rooms, as life raged on and around me, sometimes, not making sense at all. My mind in a whirl from over stimulation, by means of taking my Mom, or removing her from me. I would just stare, and my mind would wander around, just blowing this way, and that. I felt like leaf in the proverbial wind , but more like a tree, with no roots, floating above and around everyone. Not connected, but rather, disconnected, excluded, on the outside looking in at all the fun that seemed to be within. It was as if I floated through life entombed in two bubbles created by two woman, trying to protect me, from what they could not protect me from. I experienced it as a bubble child. A weirdo, a freak.

I knew I did not speak like others, yes, I knew. But no one really told me, I was messed up. I wandered from special class to special class, trying to learn as much as my whirling mind could stand, to help me be the best daughter I could to make my Mothers proud. All little girls want to make their Mommy’s proud, why would a whirly twirly girl like me be different? I was the same inside, it just didn’t come out right, cuz my body had something happen to it. I spent a lot of time at the doctors office with Mama Jean trying to figure out what was wrong?  Yeah, wrong with me. I would get sick a lot. And as I look back, it was a coping mechanism, my body was mourning the loss, and it did not take to the separation well. My mind was strong, and I would push it down, as doctors aided me with drugs to help. Mama Jean spent much time with me, which built empathy towards me empathy that Mama Linda was not learning. Because I was not with Mama Linda.

Mama Jean watched what relinquishment did to my body. She did not consciously know it. Or did she? But she tended it, the best she could, considering she did not make me. What was the right thing to do? Why is she sick? What am I doing wrong? And they all knew, deep down, I feel that I did not take well to the move. I would rather sleep, because when I slept, there was no pain, and I could go to her in my dreams, where I would love her, and she would love me. I would check out in class, anywhere, and go there, to be with her, and remember who I was, and who I came from. Her words of instructions to my sisters, were memorized and assimilated within me. I fought with Mama Jean, because she did not do it right? Or the way my body remembered. But we did manage to find respect. She was the boss of me. But not my inner world, no she was not the boss there.

In my inner world, no one was boss, except God. And God of course was loving and fun, and there was plenty of everything there. And mama Linda, but I did not know her name, it was just Mama. Many times Mama Jean would be busy, to busy and not able to nurture me as I needed and wanted? Well, wanting for children is needing. Kids just want love, and they do what they have to to get it. I escaped inside. In a world I made, where it was safe, and loving and calm, and fun, and I met my Mother there. She adored me there. She loved me there. but it was just us there, and I wanted to know my sisters and brothers too.

And as I grew, I went to that place less. My dragon went with me, as I pretended, to cope with a loss no one wanted to see, alone, with my imaginary Mama. Trying to make sense of this woman calling herself my Mother. I know, it sounds so cold. I am not cold, I love her very much. But she speaks another language than my clan, and it has taken me years and years to even accept her ways. Many of which are not like my ways. And to try and find the love in many things that have caused me pain. Sounds like Stockholm’s syndrome? Hmmm? Yep.

I was entombed by two woman. Both with their own stories, which was quite daunting if you will pause and think about it. People know when a missing person is still alive. We see the reports all the time, a mother just knows and keeps searching for that child and finds them. It is part of this bodies on board radar system. I was no different, I knew my Mother still lived.  As I grew, my bubbles had to grow, but my Mothers could not allow that. There were strict guidelines to follow. And there was no way back, just yet. And,  I must meet Mama linda in my mind and I must live with Mama Jean in reality. And I did my best, I would get a bit restless and misbehave now and again, but you can understand, now can’t you? Seeing that I loved them both and wanted to play nice. But they were being a bit selfish, both of them. By expecting me to tow this line, carry this cross, alone.

And these last years, I basically have been circling and trying to figure out a way, to break out of my bubbles. But the way would have to be radical, and it would change it forever. I would not be able to go back, and would have to confront them on it. I would have to face it, alone, face them alone, but not completely, remember, God is within. Guiding me as well, showing me how to cope, calling me into a new dream so I could cope with her loss, my first love was gone and yet she still lives. And I had loved her so, I sent her loving energy as I swirled inside her belly. I danced with her, I sung with her, trying to make the words. And when I was born, I yelled so loud, and I am sure I was trying to tell her not to do this! I loved her and was a gift, but she did not understand, for I had no words yet to tell her so, I was just a baby. She did not understand, Mommy!!!!  I cried inside me and I cried and  yelled at the top of my lungs! Mommy!!! Dont go! I love you, I came to love you! Let me love you! Dont do this to us! Please! Please! But she was soon gone.

Later as Mama Jean would tell me, as Uncle John and she looked on, I would push myself up and over. New borns do not do those things, and I know that I was trying to get to her,  my Mama, to stop this insanity, to tell her she got it wrong, all wrong. But I had no words to describe it to her, my voice would not work, my limbs would not take me were I wanted to go, to her arms, to smell her sent, to suckle from her, to gaze into her eyes, as all children do. But what could I do, my course was set, as I grappled with the white hot sting of her rebuke. I was stunned. I was struck, it was like Harry Potters mark, a forever indelible mark was on me. Rewrite, assignment change, and no instructions, no goodbyes, no comfort, no comprehension of what just happened to me?

I was frozen in time. Encapsulated. Like an egg around my brain, and it would take me years to peck my way out. And gain the strength to speak and sing my song of sadness, to make folks see what it really was like for me. An Adoptee.

I don’t know about my  sister, they don’t speak of it. I imagine they are escaping, and not able to break out of the shell yet, but I am going to chirp and sing, so they will keep pecking to gain the strength to do so.

This last year, I flung that room my Mothers had blocked for there eyes only. I ran into those dirty, dusty rooms of consciousness, and blew it out of the water. I cleaned that shit up, turned them upside down, I imagine much like I felt? Not what I consciously intended? But that is what I have learned is that the force in which we react, is the force in which it will return, it took me years, but this sucker punch has returned. And if I am honest with myself and you, the world, looking on as I strip naked before you and show you my wounds, I would say, I did not want to let go of this boomerang. I held it as long as God would let me. Because I knew it was going to take their breath away, and cause them such pain. Pain, I knew to well. And had endured alone, with god.

Children want to heal, and I am no different. But the way, Mama’s, yes, Mama’s, I am talking to you my darling Mama’s. The way to healing is the high road of truth. And I am here, with my hand outstretched to hold your hands, ever so firmly, so you know, my Love is real. And that it is strong. And that God in me is showing you the way through the darkness I kept from you for so long. The darkness you did not want to see is there, when you turn the light on in an old room, that is for a girl who still lives, but who you thought I was, was not who I am.

And now that those rooms have seen the light of my day. And the curtains have been washed and pressed, and placed on the windows, after the paint I place on the walls is dry, yellow, and fresh flowers have been placed there. All the buggers, and monsters have been run out. I chased them away, I shot them with my truth, we faced it, what we all felt and did not talk about. I forced my way! With God blowing it out of the water through me! God is  God, and God will have his way! And change was the only way to true healing, facing that nasty, cleaning it up, freshening it up. Letting that old story go, sell it, burn it, and rise above it!

I love you both. And I, your daughter, made it back to you Linda! And I made it back to you Jean! I traveled to dark places in your minds and cleaned out what was not really me, but was your dream of me. And now you see me face to face and know, that I am a spirit within this body, that we, three, Mind, body, spirit, are more than a dream, I am a reality, an idea in human form. And God approves of this message, the proof ,because I am here.

And my message to those who hurt too is this, your important, you are here for a reason. Our truth can set others free from having to go through this to live.

Thank you for diving deep with me.

And God bless

Hell No I am not happy about this?

Should I be?

Oh, do tell me what to do?

Do tell me its ok?

Oh tell me to suck it up

Tell me to just go away

You think loosing a Mom is just a trifle

You think its just a game?

But God designed it that way.

And we just need to see

That children are supposed to love their Moms

Forever

And that is what I found

I tried to dig her out of my heart.

But you can not cut out DNA

You think I should just get over such a thing?

And yet everyone says that no one gets over loosing their Mom?

Why am I different? Because I was a babe?

You fool yourself to think such a thing?

You are in fact a fool to think that the God of this universe had made a mistake.

WE humans think we know so much and we are as dumb as rocks.

Can a iPhone, merge with a samsung galaxy? Hell no!

And yet we throw children who have learned there Mothers tongue, into families that do not speak it.

We wonder why children relinquished struggle with relating? We are forced to scrap programing while in utero, to learn anew. And we wonder why they struggle to understand things?

We wonder why they are so weird?

Collectively we have done this to them.

And collectively we will undo it.

It is time for change.

Get off your fat ass and do something. Talk to your Adopted kid, give them  place to vent.

Listen to their cries, tend to their wounds.

Give them a safe place to love the one who made them.

Give them a place to mourn a loss, you can not see.

For children are designed to love their Mothers, Grief is the sign of great loss.

Which means great value.

Wake up a little.

Look around you.

We look the same, but inside we are not the same.

And never will be.

But we can change it for another.

We can hold the line.

For a child is looking to their Mother, not other, not even if she is gone.

We remember, it in the DNA.

 

You made your Bed, Now lay in it

You made your Bed, now lay in it.

You think you did a good thing, yep it work out all great.

Then came the day I called on you,

And that was your undoing. You think your holding it together, but your only buying time.

For the pop knot that is going to hit you,

You sent out to yourself.

Now lay in the bed you made, without me there to hold

Your child is grown and has her own

Ideas, experiences, and opinions now

You thought you had it all mapped out,

without the Lord you did.

But God has other things to show you,

But you just ran and hid.

Go lay in that bed.

Go back to sleep.

Go and lick your wound.

It stinks.

For I tried to tend to it,

But you pushed me away.

You don’t seem to know, I know the wound.

Or why would you bat me away?

Go lay in the stinky bed you made long long ago.

I guess you kind like it.

So lay there.

You think I am kidding, I am just getting warmed up

Adoption is my life. And trying to figure out what the hell happened is my journey.

You think I will just go back into that box you placed me in at the door of the church or the hospital, but I am grown and to big for that anymore. In fact I was to big for it the day you gave me away.

Some children lament on private chat rooms, I vent here at the worldwide web, so all can learn my story.

I give it to you in pieces, but one day you can watch the movie.

Right now, I am just letting the cat out the bag.

I am letting my inner child speak. And she’s just getting warmed up.

For truth is what sets us free, it hurts at first, the cut is deep.

My truth hit me at two days old.

No mommy to smell and cherish. She did not even cherish herself. For to do this to me like this proves she did not even know what a thing could do. And now all she does is blah, blah, blah. Excuses, excuses, excuses.

My sisters too. Like do they even love themselves? To leave me out here like this? Nope.

But who taught them to be so?

They learned from their leader. And they think I am going to put up with this shit? Oh, they are wrong indeed.

I will shout it from the house tops of the street they left me out in.

Dont treat me like shit and then say you know Christ?

You don’t even know yourselves, how can you know a sovereign God? And yet treat your own sister like this?

Why to practice? Relationships are about relating? I am relating, you are just stuck.

Dont come try to talk to me later. You had your chance. I do not need a family like this. Nope.

You think your the only one who has standards? Nope. I have some of my own.

Ignorance is not one of them. And your loaded with it.

All of you. Even Victoria. Who has the faithfulness of an alley cat.

Great big sister, she can’t even get our Mother to see. Oh, that’s right, she doesn’t want to loose her place? Well, have it all sister. Have it all. I hope your happy.

Dont cry to me when she is gone. I have cried mine all out. Long ago. Everyday.

Longing for dumb fucks like you. Who treat your own sister like me. No understanding in an ignorance camp.

Goodbye. Is what I say to such a family as this.

I now have blocked you. And I now move right along. I gave you ALL A chance.

And you didn’t even get past first base. Beyond faithfulness and care is blessing beyond compare. But truth is the only foundation that can hold it up. And we are on sinking sand.

 

Cuz you all be out to lunch. Go ahead, Mama, block me. Oh, that is right, I blocked you now.

Can you blame me? Nope? No blame. Just truth. Thanks for the slap to the other cheek.

Now you can wait for the slap on yours, for cause and affect is according to your output. I only finish the feedback loop so I can move on.

But i don’t even want to be around you guys. Like shopping all the time. You don’t even know who to converse? Go hide in your bible. Go hide in your house?

But remember this, what you sowed has grown, so be mad at you.

Excuse the hell out of me for not just loving this life you gave me with out you?

Thanks

You know, if you hold it in, if only draws it back to you. Guilt is a sticky energy. And shame is the sister. So good luck trying to wipe it off, the only way out is through the darkness of it all, then we see the light.

 

Emails to my Mother

Ok, if I have to put up with this trying to get back home. You guys can look at this ugly mess too. This is really what it looks like in my world to reunite with  my Mama. Let us read and learn. I am not saying what right and wrong is anymore. I am saying what is. And no body knows what is right except the child. The Mother, is programed to feel and think a certain way, the only way out of that mental mess is education. Let us begin.

 

To Change!

This below is from My Birth Mother. We have been fighting.The fight is about us trying to talk about our pain. And I am talking, she is fighting and not accepting what is showing up. I hope that this can help folks to heal. I do this for those who want to get ready to meet their child again. And for those that need to forgive themselves, and for those that still feel their babies are mistakes. WE grow up. WE have hearts. And they beat for our Mothers. WE may not like the woman this world made our Mothers have to be, but we. still love them. And those that love each other, fight to see and to be seen.

As I see it, she is very polar. And what i mean is, one way or the other. And that is common these days. If someone says something that you don’t understand, some people fight it, and think that their view is true. I do not prescribe to my own truth, but tell mine so we can adjust.

What I mean is to come to a complete truth, which includes hers and mine and a more complete truth. For my truth is mine, but hers can change mine, and my view point? It is like we are in trees and I yell out, ” This is what I see!” And then she should yell out, “Well, this is what I see”. But what we do is, or many people do, and my Birth Mother is, saying, “That is so not the truth!”, From her tree, she is trying to tell me what I see from my tree matches what she sees from her tree? How can she know my view? Without coming up in my tree? Which after 23 years! I have not been able to even begin a foundation, she burns it down. Now, I can see that is about her.

I have done this, and that. And put up with this and that. I mean my sisters could give a rats ass about me. And thy mutter some nonsense about how I act. And there was a time that I did not act like this. I was willing and wrote letters and looked for signs that they would accept me. I saw only one who tried. But in the end did not have what it took to cross over our fragile bridge. My Mother and the world had programed her to damn me too. Like Queen Elizabeth I was removed from my family of origin and raised in a distant place. But as we can see, she was someone really special, and what that shows is we all are special. All of us. Yes, you, even if you gave a child away, are special and your child is special too. Fuck what they said about you. God is not swayed by social opinion. Jesus told the woman who was caught in adultery, “Where are your accusers?, Go and sin (which means to miss the mark), no more, Neither, do I condemn the.  That is a paraphrase. And it makes sense to me. God is for us. And even like this, me and my Mama are loved always, so our fights are just to people trying to be seen, and we adjust each time.

Birth Mama’s email-

This is the last time I am responding to you. You have NO IDEA what my thoughts were or are!! Contrary to your mind—you cannot read my mind! If you are saying actions speak louder than words then look in the mirror? Look at yours! You love to put me down for thoughts and things that I have not even come close to thinking.
Just because Chelsie was born of you does not mean she is like you. She is fighting not to be! She gets it and she is loving and kind.
The knife in my hand was one I was bringing home from MY cooking class. I took it in to do prep work!! I do not go around with one in my hand!
Do you ever read what you write? Condense your thoughts. And do not throw God into this. He does not sanction actions such as yours. He is a loving God !
This is pointless. You keep saying you are done and then come right back. I answered you to provide the info you requested not to get in a shooting match and being put down by you once again! Take your hostility and anger someplace else and I do not need to read your mind to recognize it!!

Sent from my iPhone

 

Below is what I sent back. And I have not edited this. So be kind in the sense that this is hard to expose for people to see and learn. I do this for us all to raise the consciousness. Thank you, it does matter that you are here. And my numbers each day are encouraging me to go on. To pierce the veil that separate us all from seeing, Adoption is not a solution, it is a problem.

 

Hello-

Thank you for a response at all. It is not really like I have asked you a lot of questions you know? And we don’t really even have some common ground, nor content for you to understand this child. And yes, like you I get all polar and try to pull away. But this is what I see. I can not. And the bond we have is staring us both in the face. And we both need to accept that we are just fish out of water and don’t get each other at all? We have changed. I am more like a wild version of you. And it is hurtful you chide me about being wild? I just know this. Your the woman that made me. And a child’s heart is always for their Mother, even when she seems to act like a strange, er. You do act strange. So do I. But I hold to the truth, like a mast at sea. You are my true North, if you can’t help me no one can.
Why do you tell me to go to strangers all the time? I went with this woman? Isn’t that enough? I have learned to love her in my own way. She will never be you. I have let go of my raising, and am trying to integrate it all, You, her, my family heritage, and my medical history. It is a lot to do alone. She really does not know any other way than me, like this. All crazy. She does not care. But my children and you all, see me another way? She does not care how I am. And it is not very nice of you to have such expectations on me, since you sent me to her?

And Chelsie. That was hurtful. And yes I see that. I know why my Daughter struggle with me. For I am a freak. This has made me this way, to you, now to them. And they are ashamed of me. The world told me not to find you, but I did not listen. I am a gift, from God. And when you die, you will be able to see my like I really am, inside, where you can not see. I try to show you, but like a child trapped in a body that does not work right, here I am. I feel like a Gay person coming out. I feel like a autistic child trapped in a body that makes me look like a clown. And you show me that.

I have seen the truth. I am a freak. Thank you. I already knew.

Belinda

I show you a side no one has seen, but maybe my children. I love my Adopted Mother, it is hard to say the truth, and how it felt. But I have lied to long. I miss my Mother so bad, my heart is broken. And shame on you for trying to make me feel guilty for a natural feeling! Damn it all!

I just want to heal. I want to clear the weeds away, and what I mean by weeds is the thoughts that keep us strangers, my Mother and me.   I desire to just let all this out, so I can come to ground Zero with this. I love everyone, but he way we are playing this game, private adoptions, Adoptions, Foster care, taking kids away from parents that need education, when we know damn well we are a bunch of lazy ass American and we are ripping children lives apart, to do what? Stop a moral dilemma? This madness must stop. I am calling a wake up call!

 

I call bullshit! Adoptions nothing more than human trafficking, and taking our civil rights away is despicable. I am just getting started. I you can’t keep up with this, maybe you should be adopted. LOL It makes your brains spin and whirl around trying to figure it all out, and NO ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT! NOT EVEN MY BIRTH MOTHER. MY  MANUFACTURER. NO LIFE TIME WARRANTY HERE FOLKS. I AM FUCKED IF YOU DON’T HELP ME.

I want my Mothers to be friends, like they really are, in public. I want them to walk arm and arm. They are best friends. My Adopted Mom raised me without even knowing my MOM. That is amazing! And for the good of the child, me, who is still living. I feel that they need to meet to bring it full circle. And like my baby says, drink some tea, like we used to.

I wish to be civilized, but when being treated like this by  you won Mother, well, you can imagine my dismay, and disgust. Being Adopted makes you, or makes me tough. I resurrected my inner Mama, and she a badass. My Mama does know who she talking to, it is her, from he 60’s.

I used to not cuss. And God showed me it was intent, and that I needed to get this all out, and that grace would cover this, that I had trapped, for lack of a place to go with this kind of information. And now I do. I just am not going to be something that I am not, when my own Mother treats me like a vagrant, a baboon, a slut, and piece of shit on her door way.

She tells me my baby is Precious, but I am not?

 

Each day I wake, and I am going to film it so you can see me in the morning, when I am crying as I wake again to a day that I do not have her in my life. It is a thorn in my side. And to have her think of me in these ways. I am unable to hold it in any longer.

 

Thank you for showing up. Thank you for being a witness to my life. You matter. I am praying for us all to get back what is ours. I want to change this world to make it safe for all babies. Our civil rights need to include the unborn child. And God placed me in her for a reason. If my Adopted Moms was supposed to have me? I think God can find her tummy? Dont you think? Are we saying we are  God know? And we can interpret Gods ways? LOL

Let  us educate them, it is the only way out of ignorance. As we can see shooting get attention, but do not educate. They only point at an issue, or a person. And then we have to figure out why? Why do we not just speak and not take it to the  physical level? It is about what is inside the mind that we all want to change anyway.