Emails to my Mother

Ok, if I have to put up with this trying to get back home. You guys can look at this ugly mess too. This is really what it looks like in my world to reunite with  my Mama. Let us read and learn. I am not saying what right and wrong is anymore. I am saying what is. And no body knows what is right except the child. The Mother, is programed to feel and think a certain way, the only way out of that mental mess is education. Let us begin.


To Change!

This below is from My Birth Mother. We have been fighting.The fight is about us trying to talk about our pain. And I am talking, she is fighting and not accepting what is showing up. I hope that this can help folks to heal. I do this for those who want to get ready to meet their child again. And for those that need to forgive themselves, and for those that still feel their babies are mistakes. WE grow up. WE have hearts. And they beat for our Mothers. WE may not like the woman this world made our Mothers have to be, but we. still love them. And those that love each other, fight to see and to be seen.

As I see it, she is very polar. And what i mean is, one way or the other. And that is common these days. If someone says something that you don’t understand, some people fight it, and think that their view is true. I do not prescribe to my own truth, but tell mine so we can adjust.

What I mean is to come to a complete truth, which includes hers and mine and a more complete truth. For my truth is mine, but hers can change mine, and my view point? It is like we are in trees and I yell out, ” This is what I see!” And then she should yell out, “Well, this is what I see”. But what we do is, or many people do, and my Birth Mother is, saying, “That is so not the truth!”, From her tree, she is trying to tell me what I see from my tree matches what she sees from her tree? How can she know my view? Without coming up in my tree? Which after 23 years! I have not been able to even begin a foundation, she burns it down. Now, I can see that is about her.

I have done this, and that. And put up with this and that. I mean my sisters could give a rats ass about me. And thy mutter some nonsense about how I act. And there was a time that I did not act like this. I was willing and wrote letters and looked for signs that they would accept me. I saw only one who tried. But in the end did not have what it took to cross over our fragile bridge. My Mother and the world had programed her to damn me too. Like Queen Elizabeth I was removed from my family of origin and raised in a distant place. But as we can see, she was someone really special, and what that shows is we all are special. All of us. Yes, you, even if you gave a child away, are special and your child is special too. Fuck what they said about you. God is not swayed by social opinion. Jesus told the woman who was caught in adultery, “Where are your accusers?, Go and sin (which means to miss the mark), no more, Neither, do I condemn the.  That is a paraphrase. And it makes sense to me. God is for us. And even like this, me and my Mama are loved always, so our fights are just to people trying to be seen, and we adjust each time.

Birth Mama’s email-

This is the last time I am responding to you. You have NO IDEA what my thoughts were or are!! Contrary to your mind—you cannot read my mind! If you are saying actions speak louder than words then look in the mirror? Look at yours! You love to put me down for thoughts and things that I have not even come close to thinking.
Just because Chelsie was born of you does not mean she is like you. She is fighting not to be! She gets it and she is loving and kind.
The knife in my hand was one I was bringing home from MY cooking class. I took it in to do prep work!! I do not go around with one in my hand!
Do you ever read what you write? Condense your thoughts. And do not throw God into this. He does not sanction actions such as yours. He is a loving God !
This is pointless. You keep saying you are done and then come right back. I answered you to provide the info you requested not to get in a shooting match and being put down by you once again! Take your hostility and anger someplace else and I do not need to read your mind to recognize it!!

Sent from my iPhone


Below is what I sent back. And I have not edited this. So be kind in the sense that this is hard to expose for people to see and learn. I do this for us all to raise the consciousness. Thank you, it does matter that you are here. And my numbers each day are encouraging me to go on. To pierce the veil that separate us all from seeing, Adoption is not a solution, it is a problem.



Thank you for a response at all. It is not really like I have asked you a lot of questions you know? And we don’t really even have some common ground, nor content for you to understand this child. And yes, like you I get all polar and try to pull away. But this is what I see. I can not. And the bond we have is staring us both in the face. And we both need to accept that we are just fish out of water and don’t get each other at all? We have changed. I am more like a wild version of you. And it is hurtful you chide me about being wild? I just know this. Your the woman that made me. And a child’s heart is always for their Mother, even when she seems to act like a strange, er. You do act strange. So do I. But I hold to the truth, like a mast at sea. You are my true North, if you can’t help me no one can.
Why do you tell me to go to strangers all the time? I went with this woman? Isn’t that enough? I have learned to love her in my own way. She will never be you. I have let go of my raising, and am trying to integrate it all, You, her, my family heritage, and my medical history. It is a lot to do alone. She really does not know any other way than me, like this. All crazy. She does not care. But my children and you all, see me another way? She does not care how I am. And it is not very nice of you to have such expectations on me, since you sent me to her?

And Chelsie. That was hurtful. And yes I see that. I know why my Daughter struggle with me. For I am a freak. This has made me this way, to you, now to them. And they are ashamed of me. The world told me not to find you, but I did not listen. I am a gift, from God. And when you die, you will be able to see my like I really am, inside, where you can not see. I try to show you, but like a child trapped in a body that does not work right, here I am. I feel like a Gay person coming out. I feel like a autistic child trapped in a body that makes me look like a clown. And you show me that.

I have seen the truth. I am a freak. Thank you. I already knew.


I show you a side no one has seen, but maybe my children. I love my Adopted Mother, it is hard to say the truth, and how it felt. But I have lied to long. I miss my Mother so bad, my heart is broken. And shame on you for trying to make me feel guilty for a natural feeling! Damn it all!

I just want to heal. I want to clear the weeds away, and what I mean by weeds is the thoughts that keep us strangers, my Mother and me.   I desire to just let all this out, so I can come to ground Zero with this. I love everyone, but he way we are playing this game, private adoptions, Adoptions, Foster care, taking kids away from parents that need education, when we know damn well we are a bunch of lazy ass American and we are ripping children lives apart, to do what? Stop a moral dilemma? This madness must stop. I am calling a wake up call!


I call bullshit! Adoptions nothing more than human trafficking, and taking our civil rights away is despicable. I am just getting started. I you can’t keep up with this, maybe you should be adopted. LOL It makes your brains spin and whirl around trying to figure it all out, and NO ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT! NOT EVEN MY BIRTH MOTHER. MY  MANUFACTURER. NO LIFE TIME WARRANTY HERE FOLKS. I AM FUCKED IF YOU DON’T HELP ME.

I want my Mothers to be friends, like they really are, in public. I want them to walk arm and arm. They are best friends. My Adopted Mom raised me without even knowing my MOM. That is amazing! And for the good of the child, me, who is still living. I feel that they need to meet to bring it full circle. And like my baby says, drink some tea, like we used to.

I wish to be civilized, but when being treated like this by  you won Mother, well, you can imagine my dismay, and disgust. Being Adopted makes you, or makes me tough. I resurrected my inner Mama, and she a badass. My Mama does know who she talking to, it is her, from he 60’s.

I used to not cuss. And God showed me it was intent, and that I needed to get this all out, and that grace would cover this, that I had trapped, for lack of a place to go with this kind of information. And now I do. I just am not going to be something that I am not, when my own Mother treats me like a vagrant, a baboon, a slut, and piece of shit on her door way.

She tells me my baby is Precious, but I am not?


Each day I wake, and I am going to film it so you can see me in the morning, when I am crying as I wake again to a day that I do not have her in my life. It is a thorn in my side. And to have her think of me in these ways. I am unable to hold it in any longer.


Thank you for showing up. Thank you for being a witness to my life. You matter. I am praying for us all to get back what is ours. I want to change this world to make it safe for all babies. Our civil rights need to include the unborn child. And God placed me in her for a reason. If my Adopted Moms was supposed to have me? I think God can find her tummy? Dont you think? Are we saying we are  God know? And we can interpret Gods ways? LOL

Let  us educate them, it is the only way out of ignorance. As we can see shooting get attention, but do not educate. They only point at an issue, or a person. And then we have to figure out why? Why do we not just speak and not take it to the  physical level? It is about what is inside the mind that we all want to change anyway.



Adoptees wrestle with the mind for a Moral reform 

Ephesians 6:12-13King James Version (KJV)
12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
This is our battle ground Afoptees. The minds of each person. And we must speak the truths that we KNOW inside of us that must come out. For we hold the medicine. Our truth is the cure. But we must rally. And believe in ourselves. That is new to actually display. We do inside. But outside. That is where it needs to go! They will be struck dumb by our words. Yes. They will be shocked. Yes. They are brain washed. They think this feels ok? Most people just can not grasp it. So they push it away? They have not experienced what we have? So we must teach them! We must teach the world to do better with us. 

Can’t you see that? We are wounded still. So What’s the difference. They call Us crazy, misfit, adopted, bastard, and on and on. What do we have to loose? All we had was taken from

Us while we were to

Young to fend for ourselves. Our mothers were unprotected and taken advantage of. Our rights stripped from us. It is time. We must stand. We must do the work we came here for. Which is to atop this shit. 

Adoptee- Unprocessed Grief

Some Grief information for you’re reading pleasure. If your adopted and you think you don’t have grief, look again. Some of those health issue that you may have, are in fact link to your unprocessed grief? And some of those behaviors are telling on you, but Adoptees don’t know they grieve, because everyone was so damn happy when our Mothers left, that we just got confused, and no one could see it. Two hearts beating now, one for our Mother and one because of anxiety and panic at the truth of it all sinking in our little bodies. She’s gone. Who will be my friend now, if not even my Mommy wants me? Is that what you want children to be thinking? Is it? Well, that is what we think, and if I am the only one who is showing up for report day, then I will report my findings in full.

We are damning perfectly good children and woman. Why? Because of an idea that never should have seen the light of day. I am not talking about children without a Mother, but ones who’s Mother still lives at relinquishment. But those who loose the parent or Mother should be respected, it must be mandatory at most for the Mother to be honored. For to dishonor a Mother is to dishonor that child.


Emotional Numbing: A Reaction To Unprocessed Grief
It’s not possible for us to become used to grief and trauma. Living beings have an aversion to trauma, pain, grief, and death, which only makes sense. For us to ignore the fact that we are experiencing the negative effects of these things, will only cause harm in the long term.

One of the symptoms of unprocessed grief and one of the common symptoms or reactions to trauma is emotional numbing. Often after experiencing or witnessing something tragic we become emotionally numb as a way of protecting our conscious mind from the pain of that raw experience. This emotional numbing is often closely linked with denial, becoming armored, and cutting off parts of ourselves or parts of our feelings so that we don’t have to experience the depth of the pain. It’s emotionally satisfying, and satisfying to our egos, and our self-esteem to think that we are so tough that witnessing pain, experiencing pain, and causing pain don’t affect us. But the truth of the matter is that it does affecting us, and it affects us deeply. One day the affects of that suppressed pain will be too much for us to handle and they will start to manifest and chaotic and undeniable ways.

Nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, hallucinations, heart attacks, cancer, lack of fulfilling relationships, isolation, mistrust, feeling lost in our life path, and a host of other negative psychological, psychosomatic, and physiological dis – eases will occur. At the extreme, a refusal to acknowledge and deal with unprocessed grief deep within your systems, will cause you to lose reverence for life and make you homicidal and suicidal. This emotional numbing can also be coupled with a lack of energy and a lack of interest in life. It will often look like depression in which you sleep more and do less, spend more time staring off into space and less time being productive. It takes more more energy to do less and less work and the pleasure in life seems this to dissipate.

At times this emotional numbing can lead us to have poor hygiene, neglect our bills, neglect cleaning our rooms and homes, and in extreme cases can manifest as the inability to let go of anything, even trash even trash or unsanitary items. If you have ever been in the situation in which you were presented with an opportunity, maybe an opportunity for professional advancement, or in your personal life or your love life, and you did not take it for some unknown reason; this emotional numbing as a result of unprocessed grief may been the culprit.

Some feelings I wanted to share about some posts from A B Mom blog

Hey Mom, Its normal! Now lets get on with it. Once a Mom, always a Mom…. So Gods calling you to show up for that Job you didn’t show up before. Your still needed…

Here are some thoughts I have about what this blog was posting and I hope that it shed some light to help Moms take charge and do what the DNA that is their childs within them is begging them to do and to stop fighting it. Many did not know what they were doing, now you do, what is required and would you want done for you? Sow that seed into your Child now. All is spoken to bring awareness, I am not trying to win a popularity contest but to get Mothers and children together. It is needed, we are under estimating the bonds power and what not complying with it does to the body of each person. We must shed our shame and anything that get in the way of a Mother and Child from bonding and healing. 

It is Not the Adoptee that Mothers Reject


That is what she rejects: not the adoptee, not her child, but the pain from losing her child and the reality that no matter what she suffered, what she built, she knows that horrible loss is still there.

When a child looses its Mother through Adoption and the Mother still lives, the child is forever in nonbonding mode, still trying to hook up to the Mother unit they came from they spin out, trying to figure out what to do to bring relief when the only desire they have is to be with their Mom and they know they will be ok. It will take time, but they will be ok. And the Mothers whos children come back need to accept that child and work to get past any mentality that impedes that process. Which means any and all feelings and thoughts about conception. And any and all feelings of shame from out moded societal feelings about conception and its only being legit if those involved are married and commited. We see this not as a norm in society these days nor did we at our earlier years, we just labled people and acted stupid.

When I apply this model to almost any rejected adoptee scenario, it fits. The mother who turns away the adoptee on the doorstep without ever knowing the true person their child has become is only one example. I know of many mothers who started off a reunion with high hopes, but somewhere along the line the happiness  turns to 50 shades of weird, because under the layers of joy still lurks the pain. When she sees that she is facing the inevitable, the only thing she can do is remove the adoptee and go back to pretending. This works for the mothers who get angry, often for seemingly-impossible to understand reasons, dare I say.


Right here is precisely what needs to be done. Delve into the pain like a surgeon, for this is only festering for all of us. We need to face how it truly is, not what folks wanted and lamenting about how sad it is that it isn’t so great. Let’s do something!

She is angry because she feels forced and threatened by the reemergence of the pain and lashes out, again, with her false reasonings, her false sense of security, for that’s all she knows.

She is not able to learn anew. Each one of us can change our mind and stop licking our wounds feeling we can not just do what Mothers and child do? The come together and Mama makes it better, end of discussion, but Mama’s got to get it right and stop throwing the baby out with the bath water. For children only need their Mothers, and no one else, so can we stop, and realize that the power is always ours, but we must throw out what they said and work to reestablish what was broken to heal.

This works for the mothers who contend that they are “fine” and just “don’t want to know”; they too just cannot face the reality of their life, so they keep the adoptee at bay and skirt the shallow waters to avoid any true emotions. The mothers that just fade away; they choose their false life rather than face the reality of their pain. It hurts too much and they just cannot go there.

But she in fact is there and has been there since the day of relinquishment, and must stop hiding behind that story if she wishes to venture the waters of change and a reignighting of a flame still burning within the heart of that Mother. Once a Mother, Always a Mother is the law. The told you wrong, it was all wrong indeed. For a child to a mother, and a mother to a child it should be. For a sacred bond is this between child and Mother, and no one should devide this bond, not even in death, the Mother lives on in the heart of that child as a testament to there tree. A child is a representation of the Mother long after her body has faded, her soul lives on inside each child she has born, especially in those adopted. For an adoptees love for their Mother is fierce, so fierce few are given privee to such priceless honor, so they hold it deep within, for only those who have eyes to see their value..Mothers must see that they have the most value to the Adoptees, and that this is a mental, emotional, and spiritual, physical bond that society schemed up to fix a moral dilemma of what to do with children conceived outside of Wedlock! And we must evolve in our thinking and Adoptees are coming forward and weathering the storm of ignorance and risking rejection again by coming out about how they really feel being adopted and having to live without their biological families. And the numbers are going to be large and society must look at what they are making children pay for that we can overcome by not holding to old ideals that only keep us bound and in which goes against Christ teachings.


I understand it. I am sympathetic, but I cannot condone adoptee rejection. I will admit that I want to sometimes take the mothers of my friends and shake some sense into them.

I would like to address this. And to say this is precisely what you should do in an energetic sense. Stand up and stop the insanity. We must arm woman with empowerment, not some that is the way it is shit. Mothers rule, end of subject, and they lied to you, and now you know, so go find your babies and nurse on them wounds, cuz you both have them and the truth is the medicine and its hurts like hell for all of us three. So lets get arm and arm and tell all our tales and make it all better by stopping this madness. Mothers need children and children need mothers and when that gets broken a whole country suffers. Let’s turn and stop blaming, and lets look for resolve, for the day is on the horizon and we are billions strong. Pick up all our wisdom and tell our stories we must. For we all need to be counted so that we can do better to trust. When God sends a child to the womb of a girl, that no one should mess with what God trusted to her. And we need to support her with trust and resolve that God will provide for it, and it will all work out. For fear runs rappent and people freak out, when babies are natural things this worlds about.


After all , these are our BABIES coming to us because they NEED us. It is the job of a mother to care for her child. We are supposed to love them and be there for them no matter what. But it would not work anyway. These mothers often cannot allow themselves to know that they are mothers on any level, that they have value or their entire lives are again destroyed. To admit that you are a mother means that you must face life as a mother who was separated from your child, and again, know that pain.

You already face this pain, each day, just without the comfort of your child who misses you so. It is not about you, my friends. You are wonderful, beautiful human beings that under any normal circumstance are an honor and privilege to know. You cannot make the mistake, allow that adoption legacy to live on, to continue the cycle of shame and unworthiness. Know that you are worthy of your mother’s love, and she only holds it back from you because she really feels that she must. The depth of the fear, of the pain she felt at losing YOU, has broken her, damaged her irrevocably. Your mothers are not normal anymore. They have been damaged so deeply, so permanently, by the loss of you that they cannot find their way out. And it is about us all. You cannot just take all of it like some scapegoat. We all suffer in Adoption no one is left out. Those who dream of a child another woman made to turn into a living breathin child that acts like someone completely different than who they came from?

They do not reject you in their lives, but the reality of what adoption has done to their lives.

I call bull shit to this statement, they do reject the future, the future that is different than the pain they now know. They think that this bond will in fact cause more pain and it will do the complete reverse if all side will submit to the natural pull, which is for child and mother to be drawn to each other. But Adoptees and their Mothers have not been bonded as true child and mother due to the interruption after birth. This interruption has caused a chain reaction, and for the child, like a plane with a honeing beacon is driven to reunite with its’ Mother. The traumas we live are going to always have an effect on us, but no worse than the initial, and we must press on to heal. Backward is non optional, forward and together. If we are wounded, we must be wounded together and work to find a way to stomp it out, for our childrens children.

We have to, sometimes, to survive.

I know it is hard and unfair and just stinks to the core, but do not  blame yourselves, and try not to fault your mothers too badly. Blame the system that broke her so and destroyed the possibility of a loving mother for you.  Blame the adoption that took you and broke her.

Mothers are resilient, and so are Mothers who have relinquished their children. We have learned better, we must do better and we can not put our heads into the sand. We must unit and finish a bond that is a part of the design of our bodies and if not completed can cause loss of life? Even if in smaller ways than death, like depression, from feeling worthless cuz our Moms wont fight and come get us and help us feel better. Only a Mother can do that, and only the Mother who has given birth to that child will do for that child. It’s not about capabilities, its about genetics. And we must help these woman who have relinquished children to be supported in there waking up to the truth of what adoption has done to her child. The adoption industry has made big assumptions and calling them truths about the body and the Mother child connection.

Why is it frustrating being an Adoptee?

We who are blessed to be called adopted have a lot on our plates. Our starts are kind of like false starts. They feel like we start and then the script is thrown out and we start again with a whole new library, book, characters in the play.

For me, which is who I know. I was raised in a time when adoption was so secretive. I was adopted privately. I was stripped of my original heritage so that I could fit into my new family. The society I grew up in did not support me staying with the woman who created me. It was not safe for me to stay, I would have carried a stigma and grew up in that stigma.

New’s flash. I still did, just somewhere other than with my family of origin. That is the new flash that no one wants to hear. Everyone in this lovely triad wants to say it ok. To do this. Strip little US citizens, little russians, little you name it of who they came in as. Our costumes ripped from us. We have been recased, by a society that feels the need to only have legit people here. Those who come in other ways than what the churches have deemed safe, and right, and pure. I did not fit that criteria.

So, I was a misfit? Or society said I was. I was a square peg that landed in a round hole? God was off his game the day I got put there?

God was not on the throne when I snuck into my moms tummy?

God did not approve of how I got here?

God said it was a ok if someone else raised me?

God wanted me to not know my family of origin?

Maybe my family was sick, or retarded?

God made my Mommy not want me?

God told my Mommy I was not hers and that God had made a mistake by placing me in the wrong womb?

People look at me. People say things to me about my views about being adopted. My kids do. People who have had their Mothers for their entire life have spoken to me. My kids thankful will not know first hand how it feels. But they only stand in horror watching a woman from where they came, struggle.

It makes them made to see me so upset. They have told me to forget. They have told me to stop. They have told me a lot of things that I simply could not do, or I would have.

My Adopted Mom. I only say this to help you understand who I am talking about. It’s crazy being adopted, kind of like divorce. My B mom divorced me and my A mom married me.

And my B mom and I have a lot of unfinished business. We have been in touch since 1994. And it’s been rough. My B mom swallowed a lot of ideas that do not match up with my experience. And it has taken a toll on  us.

I work to free us from this, but alas, no one has read a book about it. In a family of book readers. In a family of book readers? And my B mom didn’t even plan for or think oh, she may gave thoughts of her own. She may want to come meet me? No she did not plan well. Truth. Not mean, just fact.

Now, a lot of people have a lot of ideas of what Adoption is like. We want it to be good. But will we achieve that with people like me coming out of the wood work? I mean if I was multiplied me by say a million? Cuz that’s who’s out there. And the only thing keeping them silent is the fear of rejection.

What adoptees have forgotten is they have survived rejection. They have lived with the facts I state here. But society keeps painting over our wound, calling it this or that.

I stand here today, and forever to state that we the Adoptees, we the one in the arena know how it feels. And society has silenced us for long enough. My B Mom wants me to agree with her? Yes she does.

She wants me to see this act as loving. I guess it was. She in 1963 many years beyond Moses, had to float me down the river to safety. I am appalled at our lack of ability to separate ourselves from it to see the truth. And I am compelled to sound the bell and wake you all up.

The adoption industry is a multi billion dollar industry. And I have payed the price for it’s lack of consideration of My CIVIL RIGHTS IN THIS GREAT USA?

How can we go on like this? WE can give blacks what is theres, we can give illegals rights? Now, we as adoptees are going to have to stand up and ask for ours it is clear.

Like MLK said, they will ignore us for as long as they can. We can bring awareness. Will not awareness and having voice help? yes it will.

Sign my petition. Help the silenced slaves. If we can not even have what is ours how about you? maybe your next?

P.A.I.N. Perceived, action, interpreted, negatively.

Why do people get upset with your ideas? Because your ideas are dangerously close to toppling a belief system in that person. And they have placed that belief on the foundational level. So to accept what you say is to topple there own thoughts about the matter, because they really think they know it all. But again, that is just what they have told themselves. Once you’ve faced all of your demons, anyone can talk about anything, cuz it’s all true at some point in time. Somethings we out grow.
People come to me. Their souls bring them. I feed them what I have. Sometimes they like it, sometimes they don’t. That is just a reaction from the flesh man, from the small minds thinking. But God takes it and begins to turn their thinking around, and a miracle happens. Me, I get to do this, pop the zit. Yep, I just see it and pop it, that thought that has been festering, the one you’ve been thinking about, that is coming up and up and up, and I pop it. But now think about it, only then can it heal.

That’s why we need to talk about pain. P.A.I.N. Perceived, action, interpreted, negatively.

Cuz if we had all of the info, we would not be in pain now would we be? Hello! Let go of that shit you’ve been holding onto, yeah, that shit in your shame cave, that no one knows about? Or do they? Or could that piece of shame be drawing the very thing you don’t want to you? Might want to check it out, what you’ve been thinking about it all?

——————————FAce those painful thoughts you’ve been thinking?—————-

What are you so scared of? You see it? You are thinking it? Would if it came true? Go there in your mind? It’s just a thought sweetie? You don’t have to believe it? Put it back and reach for another! Go on, reach for one with love in it. Because that is the only truth, but we don’t get to the love until we go into that shame cave of yours babe. Gotta clean house there first. Why do you think Feng Shui works? It’s mind game to help you clear your thoughts through the physicals act of clearing a room designated for each part of our life? You go into it know that part of your life is what needs clearing and you clear not only the physical space but the mental? But we can do it other ways too. Stop looking at everyone else, look in and consult your own navigational system? Hello?