Category Archives: Mutterings of a Woman

I was so sick of that shit. 

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I was so sick of carrying around all that shit. It feels so good to have it out if my mind and off my chest. Which is off my heart. .  Someone else thoughts about you will drag you down. Give it back to them. When someone does something that upsets you tell them. How can they change if you don’t? If they walk away? That’s more about their belief system than yours. If you  carry it around for them and don’t tell them. What is gained. And who has learned  about heir affect in the world and on you? Emotional weight is heavy. Let them carry it. 

Everyone’s like just love them. Pour men. Slather love on it they say. Love is the answer all mushy mushy.  If it’s shit, it needs to get cleaned up by the one who made it. Or has it. Or shit it. Love corrects. God corrects. Proverbs speaks if it. Look it up. Proverbs 3. Love is tough as nails. And if you love someone you love them more than hurting their damn feelings. Feelings are fickle things. They come and they go.  But love lasts forever. If you love someone, tell um how you feel! All of it.  Not just the, quote unquote good stuff honey. All of it. Love is giving And taking. If only one gives and the other only takes. One persons goona get empty. You! Stop it. Don’t let folks test you like shit. They say more about you than them. Stand up for yourself. God don’t make door mats out of woman. Or woman for doormats. God is a loving fathers who cherishes his daughters. 

Like men. Hello out there. You got fill your cars tank don’t you? Hell yes you do! Can’t get to work without gas. But you can’t seem to do those things you did when you were trying to win your girls heart,  on a constant basis? All pooped out are you? Waaaa? As Justin Timberlake says, “cry me a river”. And you think she gonna stay? For what? I don’t give two shits what the church has been preaching. Men need to win their woman everyday. Men be waving there vows around like a ticket to ride or something. Like that gives them the right to act stupid and you got to stay. That is a breach of contract folks. And we woman need to step off that shit. And, men need to step up the the plate all the way or get out of the way so another man can. Ok.  Like men watch games all day and watch men run around after a ball, made of leather. And they can’t win at love with one woman? One? They got to go practice with a bunch of them? And share the love they say? Lordy men. Your fucked up as hell being like that?

Don’t you men know that a woman can be anything you want?  Anything baby, that’s right. But you got to earn that shit. Yep. You pay at the strip club don’t you? You got to earn that sexy shit. You got to step up and commite to it or step off so she can move on and find one that does. Ok ? She ain’t got time for that two faced shit you all been sellin. Nope. In or out of the car. Cuz she got shit to do. She’s got babies. And she’s got a job. She’s got the house. And she don’t need your lazy ass laying around makin messes. Ok? Woman’s work my ass! You made the mess. She’s been cleaning it up. It needs to stop! It ain’t your Mamas house no more! Ok honey child. She’s got enough of you kids she’s raising. You’re raised. If you did not pay attention in class at your Mamas, that’s your problem. Catch up. Learn. Stop being a baby. 

Woman need men. There ain’t nothing  that don’t make her dick limp more , than a man who acts like a bo, and wants to be waited on all day. And r told what to do like he can’t remember. We are pedifiles! At least not me. A man That doesn’t pitch in and pull his weight is a boy and dead weight.  You’d rather live in swahler than do something about it? Lordy. And them complain about it? Get up off your fat or skinny ass and be the change. It’s teamwork. Not woman do this and men do that. That’s fucked Up,as hell. Show up for whatever. Do you act like that at work? And they pay you for that shit? Someone needs their head examined. You. 

Woman all day  and for all time need men to grow up. Stop being mean and lazy and wanting it your way all that time. It don’t work like that. Woman know how to give to a man. If she doesn’t your bank account is overdrawn. Ok. Go deposit something. Those overdraft fees add up. And consistently deposit each day, of your smart,  each Week, month. Like you go to your job each day? Right? A relationship is a job. Both gotta work at it. That include you stepping up and outside your comfort zone silly. Get up! And do some work on it. She’s tired of working. You don’t think she works? Dinner, laundry, children, which never ends, while you watch the game or hang out at bar! While she’s holding the bag. And your off spending funds that could go somewhere else. 

Woman. Stop putting up with that shit. Set a boundary. Give an inch and they take mile. They ain’t like us. You need to set clear boundaries. And stand your ground to defend them. Even if their lazy ass stay the same. Leave! Go. If they don’t follow? And stay in the shit pile! Tell them. And set the mark for them to shoot for. They ain’t gonna get a better woman than you. It’s just different and usually is worse. Or more of a challenge. Cuz they are weak. And need training. She’ll be crazier than you guaranteed. So let um go and watch um. Don’t take um back till they grow up and step up. They walk they need to win you again. How they gonna learn girl if you go holding their dick for them? Seriously. Stop it and you’ll see how strong they are. If they are weak. Let it go. AMD do not take their shit with you give it back to um or you’ll atract the same or worst. 

Forgiving does not mean you have to stay. Forgiveness is for you darlin. Don’t forget. Make it clear what you want and take nothing less. Men need to learn. And how are they gonna learn if you don’t show um where they are weak. Tell your truth. Set your mark and draw your line. And stand up to any man that takes without asking. Do you hear me? Turn them in. Let the law deal with their ass. If they do that. They are showing you who they really are. Believe them and walk away. That ain’t love. You need love, not that. Love yourself and your kids and walk away. Abuse is not love. Love yourself first. God will send someone who loves you as much as you love yourself. 

Let go of what anyone has said about you. By letting go I mean give it back to them. Your mama, your friends, a stranger. Don’t take no shit that ain’t yours. OWN what is yours. And ThEn LET IT GO. Don’t you dare say I am sorry. You are not sorry. I am sorry is a negative affirmation. Stop saying that.  But if they have it comin to them. Give it them. Ok. You can do that. Protect yourself. Learn self defence. Defend yourself. Love is not blind. Love sees what is before it and acts accordingly. We blind ourselves with delusions of grandeur. Pay attention to how they act and what they do. Words are hollow to hour actions. If They give you hate. Give it back and. Move on. Don’t stay there. Don’t argue. Call it like it is. Men will argue with a fence post, they get off on it. Stop giving it to them cut them off. If they showed you hate leave. You don’t need that. No. Your father in heaven never wants you to let a hateful man test you like that. Show him. Confess. Tell him the truth as best you can. If he is abusive  get out. Don’t stay. You are worth more. Yes. You are. I don’t care what your mom, aunt, teacher, step dad said or dad said. It’s a lie. 

Get that in your head child. God don’t make junk. You are just settling for it. Thrift store men are a dime a dozen. Give it back to the Salvation Army. Let a man of higher caliber be sent to you. Don’t bend. Flowers don’t bend. Except with the wind that blows their fragrance all around to attract a proper suiter. Let god send him. I learned the hard way too. That’s why I am sharing this with you. So you can benefits from my experience. Find a strong woman to help you. Surround yourself with woman who talk good about themselves. Don’t keep hanging around woman who bash themselves. That get draining. Find some real woman. Strong woman. Find them. 

There are those who understand sisterhood. The code of honor and conduct. Stay away from the jealous woman. They area empty. They will drain you. Get around the ones who build you up and build themselves up. You can tell by the way they talk. Those others are vampires. They’ll suck you’dry  and  leave you hanging In Your hour of need. Tell um what you see. Let um step up. But if they don’t step away. They’ll drag you down. 

And mind those babies. Don’t let those men hurt those babies god gave you. Yeah you. God made Then from you and they are put in your care. Those men ain’t yours to raised. They are raised. If they are slow. Tell them. Let them go if they don’t step up. Woman let men be lazy thinking they are like us. They are not. The mans body mad mind are wired different. But that is no excuse. They need. To catch up not keep acting like babies. We got to give them the boot if they don’t. That’s not how they treat each other? Give it to them. 

These men got to come up to speed. We do not have time or energy that carry around that much weight. We don’t need to. Nor does god ask us too. I think vows need to change. Those men don’t even keep the vows. Seriously. Those vows are a mess and we get stuck with the mess as they lean on the vows you said and forget theirs. Hello. Team. Team first or there is no team. 

 You are a queen and deserve no less you read me?

Pep talk over. 

Thank you for diving deep with me tonite. 

God bless. 

Dorothy Got to Go Home after her nightmare. But that was just a fairytale

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I guess the stories we tell each other are just stories. Because I am Dorothy and when God lead me back home, I was not welcomed, not all of me at least. I was not surrounded by uncles and my Mother, like Dorothy was after the tornado. Nope. She only wanted a candy coated version, like Disney I guess, but minus the reunion. But Dorothy went through quite a bit, and her family listened. They wanted to know, and did not run away or block her. They surrounded her with love and wanted to hear. They calmed her anxiety. Wiped her tears and had tears of joy that she returned and was ok after such a storm, that could have killed her.

I guess my Mama writes different stories. She gave her baby away and they lived happily every after, The End. Not. Maybe in her dreams, but not what I experienced. And I know, I am telling the same old story different ways, but that is how many people see it differently. I must explain it so people can picture it, and feel what it was like so we don’t go back there anymore. So we protect children rights to be with their family, the family God sent them too. For balance is important here on earth, even with children. Suffer the children to come unto me. Why does God have to take us up? When God send us to families? To Mothers? God is not demented, we are. WE are the ones with the free wills, and the ones who can say, not my will but thine be done?

There is no yellow brick road back to Mama’s house, with cookies and emotional bandages for my wounds. She can only take care of herself. And fill her home with useless stuff. No walks in nature with her, no weekends away with her, no nurture with her, not even my sisters really get that, much. She lost it, I feel when she gave me away. She just lost it. And I have faith, yes, but my faith is thin these days. My heart hurts these days for a world with Mothers like this and a world that makes it ok.

I have felt the sting of her rebuke at birth, before for that matter. I was there, listening within her. My mind blocked it, but my body remembered and showed it to me. Beyond my own delusions. I have lived a long time without her. Yes, I have. But I guess the child within wanted to try one last time to beat on that dead heart of hers and see if my mama would come back to life.

I am just feeling discouraged. I’ll go to bed and tomorrow I’ll feel better. I wish to forget. Maybe God will erase my mind and body while I sleep so I don’t have to feel it anymore. It would feel so nice to feel special, and happy again. This has really been a downer, looking at her shit on me. I value my reputation and she got me all wrong. I am a good person raised by a stranger she does not know. So how can she get me at all? She has not read about adoptees and there issues, how can she understand like that?

I know one thing she does not take constructive criticism well, but what do you expect from an only child. I am an only child, but Mama Jean did not let me be selfish and taught me to think of others. I have taken it a bit far, trying to do it right to make her proud. But its time for me to let my Mamas shit go. That is lame. And I just want to feel better. Looking at her and how she treats me, is so hard. It is hared to hear how she treats my sisters too. They don’t deserve that. They deserve a Mama full of love, not some control freak who has to have it her way or the highway. I played it her way, I had no choice.

But now it is time for my way, Gods way.

 

My body aches these days. 

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My body aches these days. My muscles are sore and it’s hard to do things. But I have struggled to do things for years. It’s just getting to be harder to push myself these days. My body, my machine this spirit lives in is tired. 

And time has become more important. I seem to realize that there is a limit and I do not want to leave things unsaid. Just in case. It has scared me to think of living this world and not having said the hard things to give contrast for the good things to pop. My truth is important so folks can see what being adopted meant to me. An adoptee. 

It has been many things. But as of late I have shred the hard things. Because folks these days seem to only want to hear good with so much bad going on. But if we can not face those demons and look I’m in the eye, how can we change this world for the better? How can we rise above? 

We all have a purpose here. Mine is being adopted, a daughter, a mother, a wife and a friend. I am a preacher, an artist, a chef, a singer, a teacher as well as a learner. I quilted and seeed cloths for my children. I taught children how to sew. I have taught children who are problem kids with hard lives to live. My purpose has encompasse many things. 

It’s like gods prodding me. To speak up. With a hot iron of spirit that makes me yalp my truth. God has squeezed me and I have wept. Seeing the truth of my mother. For I had hoped she wanted me back. I had hope she would see the blessing in me if she knew. My love. My pain being without her. 

I feel my time is set. And lately it feels like it is close. Could be years away. But that is not what I feel. It’s like I tie up loose ends with those I love. And yes. It scares the hell out of me. Guess that’s good. I surely don’t need to take hell with me. 

My post are pointed and straight as I can make them so folks can see straight into my broken heart and the broken heart of god within me. For a world gone mad. That jerks babies around and throw them here and there as if God is mistaken.  I feel gods pain about this. And god wants me to share it with the world to try to get through. Like an arrow sent into the world each child has a mark. And my mark is to bring awareness to bring change. 

My Mama says I need help. Funny. I have needed help my whole life. Thank God for Mama Jean who showed up to help me. It was not easy. My pain of loss was an aweful burden for her to carry. And she did not deserve that. But she took it just the same. God within her showed up. 

She blessed me with her love and care. She made me feel special. Wanted. Accepted. But there was one who did not do that. And that pain haunted me my whole life. And it made me sick and discouraged, not wanting rejection again I became a people pleaser. Not knowing what my pain was. Everyone told me I was fine. I was blessed to have a mommy. But I kept thinking Bout my first mommy. 

It pledged me, the questions without answers. As I watch girls with their Mothers. And how they matched. It hurt me I could not have that too. Why did not my hearts desire matter? To her, my own mommy? I thought surely she made a mistake. Surely she was sorry. But no. She was not. And I wept when I finally swallowed the pill of her truth. I wept so hard as I faced it. What my heart knew but my mind do not want to see and believe. 

For without her there to show me, I made up another story. One where she was eating for me to return. Where we would cry and greive our loss together. But that is not what her story was at all. She saw a mistake each time she looked at me. Her heart closed to god in me. Her heart cold towards the gift god sent to her. 

And my body aches I feel because my own mother thinks such things of her own flesh. And I see that I carry that pain. And I see now that that pain is leaving after telling how I feel and felt all those years. She did not want me to out her. She did not want to know. But I did. I needed to know what my mind had hidden from me so I could heal. 

I want others to heal too. So I write. Time is of the essence. For I know not the hour God will call me. And this report is needed. My words are needed. So I must tell my story howeve tragic it is to hear or twisted it whatever. It’s mine. So I must tell the truth. 

So here it is. On this blog for all to see what I felt and thought. How twisted around I was and am by a thing we call love. 

Thank you for diving deep with me today
God bless you. 

Motherhood, a sovereign call to arms

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I may not be the best Mother on earth. True. But what I want to say is this, I showed up when my bodily phone rang. I showed up and welcomed the children this universe sent to me and I did the best this Adoptee could do. When you consider all the tales I was told about who I was and what being adopted meant, I did ok.

It is not my job to tell my children how to live, but to teach them, train them to be the best they can be. To help form them. To rebuke them when needed, to comfort them when I could, and to show them they are not alone, ever. To speak to them and put words of hope and training so they could be the best they could be. For that, I showed up.

And its not easy being a Mother, no. It is not the gravy job of wall street, with accolades, bonuses for performance, and pats of the backs of my colleagues. It is a lonely job with not many frills as we wipe the poopy butts and clean up vomit. It is not a glory job, while we work to train our kids to be tough and yet kind. It is not the job of the century where we make it to the front of forbes magazine for making it through the month on little pay. But I showed up anyway.

Motherhood is a journey of the soul, that calls those who show up to dig deeper. It calls us to dig our heels in and love like no other, with grit and with guts. Motherhood is a soveirgn call to arms, the arms that rock the children of the future. And that is why I speak of my struggles as an adoptee. For we must look at what adoption does to our future, when we choose to not show up for our jobs given to us by our willingness to conceive. Our willingness to open our wombs to be penetrated by a man, and launch that rocket that grows into an arrow. As we bare our children in pain, we birth the future.

Is adoption the real way? Is it addressing our societal programming and changing it? I think not. And I write here to show my pain and struggle so that you, can see for yourself what it did to me.

My Mother did not show up, she used her free will card. And another took her place, with little to nothing to go on, she raised me as best she could, considering she did not even meet the one who I was made from, considering the fact that she did not have an owners manual. I commend Mama Jean for her courage to do such a thing for me, and for my Bio Mom as well.

It irks me that after 24+ years the woman who’s life was bettered by my absence has not even sent a thank you card to Mama Jean. It makes me weap for a world so ungrateful for a woman like Mama Jean, who did not hesitate to take me on. Who tirelessly tended the child another woman threw away. Like trash. She went home after giving birth to me and cleaned her bathroom and thought that was all that was required of her.

I think it very telling that he room she cleaned was the bathroom, were we shit, and piss and clean ourselves. I think it say a lot about what she thought about me. Did her act of cleaning do the job? Hell no, for today she is still full of dirty thoughts about me. Her actions screaming so loudly and yet she can not hear. I speak for those children today that lie in a crib, reeling from the change that just took place, wonder inside without words, what kind of place is this,and where is my Mother, her face and voice and smell not seen hear or experienced. And that, that is what I want to change.

A Mother is a calling that should not be taken lightly, nor should it be aborted, or can it be adopted away. As I have seen in her eyes, I see a woman who has become numb to her calling. Her mind numb to the voice of me that come from the cells that live within her.

Woman, take your womb seriously. Woman teach your daughters to do the same. Teach them not to just give there bodies to any man, teach boys to respect the woman body. Teach, teach teach this away. We can educate ourselves out of this mess called adoption, so wrapped in such beautiful paper, and yet stinking like shit just the same. To not show up, is to not trust the universe that sent that precious child growing within you.

Children are the future. And if we just kill that future or reroute the future, what does that say about us? What does it say about our faith in a God so many churches preach from. We damn the future to do such a thing. And I charge every woman reading this to take it seriously. For the future is our only hope, those children with the gifts taken from our own Dna are the hope we seek. Do not throw hope to the wind.

 

Thank you for diving deep with me today.

I have let go

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After a full year of processing and expressing penned up emotions held for 50+ years, I am letting go of my Bio Mom. Letting go means I am not going to email her, or bother her any longer. I am nervous, yes, cuz this body is strong and wants what it wants. But what I have seen in this year is this. My bio moms does not have any affection for me as a person, nor as a daughter. And that my Mom does. My Mama Jean that is. And it hard being adopted and maneuvering though all what folks say bout it? Yes, But what I saw was Mama Jean, steadfast and unmovable in her love and acceptance of me as her child, confused and trying to figure it out. I believe she has always known that, deep within, without words. AS I spoke the truths I was ashamed I had, I saw a bit of relief on her to finally have me say it out loud, for she could feel it. And she knows how much I love her, yes she does.

My Mama Linda, is the vessel God made me from. And Mama Jean was the one who wanted me, not Linda. She did not. And I must accept that. And in accepting that, I am no longer able to even consider her a Mom. For she is not. Sounds cold, maybe? To some? But it sounds practical to me. And my mind needs some rest from all that I toiled about before I told my truth, the truth all over this blog. And now that I have aired it all out. I see, Mama Linda blocked me, Mama Jean embraced me. That is huge….

And if truth can give me that? It was worth speaking it to obtain it. My mind is coming into an understanding of my Mama Jean and the fortitude it took to take me on, go through a messy divorce, deal with her best friend Andrea Gray, taking up with her husband and dealing with a town that shunned her for lack of understanding.  How she held onto me, despite the many suiters who would tell her to let me go. How she always was there for me, even when I was my meanest and most confused. I have a new appreciations for my Mother after letting this cat out of her bag. And for that I am grateful.

As the year is ended, and the moon has enter my sign of  Capricorn, I am hopeful. Mama Jean has seen my try to give a love that my Bio Mother did not earn, and she saw, that if my body could have, I would have given that to her. But now, that my truth is out, I can give it to her, for it set me free from thinking that woman cared for me. Her love can not hold a candle to Mama Jeans love, which is agape love, a love that goes beyond the physical. I am blessed to have had such a Mother. And am so grateful that now I can see that.

My prayer for you is that this messy blog will give you the courage to tell your truth, so you can get free too. Free to see who showed up as the angels they were? And how hard it is to love a child God did not make inside you. For that is true love. To love another child is Gods love, in human form, and I am blessed to have had such a love as that. And I am grateful to now see it.

I am not saying that my body will not ache for the woman who made me? yeah it will. It is by design, so I have a grief, but now that I have faced that grief, and asked it what it was a teaching me, I can now know, I will live on. Even though. A broken heart allows the light to shine through better than a closed one. I am grateful for this broken heart. And I am grateful for a woman in her 20’s who took me on, not knowing what the hell that meant, and she never backed down, thank you Mom.

Blessing to your year, as you speak your truth and own it, and set it free. The work is worth it. Its like mental house cleaning, it makes room for new ideas and perceptions to come through.

Thank you for diving deep with me.

You made your Bed, Now lay in it

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You made your Bed, now lay in it.

You think you did a good thing, yep it work out all great.

Then came the day I called on you,

And that was your undoing. You think your holding it together, but your only buying time.

For the pop knot that is going to hit you,

You sent out to yourself.

Now lay in the bed you made, without me there to hold

Your child is grown and has her own

Ideas, experiences, and opinions now

You thought you had it all mapped out,

without the Lord you did.

But God has other things to show you,

But you just ran and hid.

Go lay in that bed.

Go back to sleep.

Go and lick your wound.

It stinks.

For I tried to tend to it,

But you pushed me away.

You don’t seem to know, I know the wound.

Or why would you bat me away?

Go lay in the stinky bed you made long long ago.

I guess you kind like it.

So lay there.

You think I am kidding, I am just getting warmed up

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Adoption is my life. And trying to figure out what the hell happened is my journey.

You think I will just go back into that box you placed me in at the door of the church or the hospital, but I am grown and to big for that anymore. In fact I was to big for it the day you gave me away.

Some children lament on private chat rooms, I vent here at the worldwide web, so all can learn my story.

I give it to you in pieces, but one day you can watch the movie.

Right now, I am just letting the cat out the bag.

I am letting my inner child speak. And she’s just getting warmed up.

For truth is what sets us free, it hurts at first, the cut is deep.

My truth hit me at two days old.

No mommy to smell and cherish. She did not even cherish herself. For to do this to me like this proves she did not even know what a thing could do. And now all she does is blah, blah, blah. Excuses, excuses, excuses.

My sisters too. Like do they even love themselves? To leave me out here like this? Nope.

But who taught them to be so?

They learned from their leader. And they think I am going to put up with this shit? Oh, they are wrong indeed.

I will shout it from the house tops of the street they left me out in.

Dont treat me like shit and then say you know Christ?

You don’t even know yourselves, how can you know a sovereign God? And yet treat your own sister like this?

Why to practice? Relationships are about relating? I am relating, you are just stuck.

Dont come try to talk to me later. You had your chance. I do not need a family like this. Nope.

You think your the only one who has standards? Nope. I have some of my own.

Ignorance is not one of them. And your loaded with it.

All of you. Even Victoria. Who has the faithfulness of an alley cat.

Great big sister, she can’t even get our Mother to see. Oh, that’s right, she doesn’t want to loose her place? Well, have it all sister. Have it all. I hope your happy.

Dont cry to me when she is gone. I have cried mine all out. Long ago. Everyday.

Longing for dumb fucks like you. Who treat your own sister like me. No understanding in an ignorance camp.

Goodbye. Is what I say to such a family as this.

I now have blocked you. And I now move right along. I gave you ALL A chance.

And you didn’t even get past first base. Beyond faithfulness and care is blessing beyond compare. But truth is the only foundation that can hold it up. And we are on sinking sand.

 

Cuz you all be out to lunch. Go ahead, Mama, block me. Oh, that is right, I blocked you now.

Can you blame me? Nope? No blame. Just truth. Thanks for the slap to the other cheek.

Now you can wait for the slap on yours, for cause and affect is according to your output. I only finish the feedback loop so I can move on.

But i don’t even want to be around you guys. Like shopping all the time. You don’t even know who to converse? Go hide in your bible. Go hide in your house?

But remember this, what you sowed has grown, so be mad at you.

Excuse the hell out of me for not just loving this life you gave me with out you?

Thanks

You know, if you hold it in, if only draws it back to you. Guilt is a sticky energy. And shame is the sister. So good luck trying to wipe it off, the only way out is through the darkness of it all, then we see the light.