My Mother deserves to be Celebrated

I know that as you browse these pages you see all kinds of human emotions smeared all over the pages. And some make sense and some don’t with words, but a feeling is here that you can not explain away, for I show you my grief and I let you feel it yourself, so you an truly judge if its real. I do not primp myself or you to parade through her and pick here or there. No my heart is strewn all over the place, and you must walk lightly as not to break it any further. For a child lives here. And she is a sacred being within  a woman who is grown. And this child demand that someone stand up for her, and so I advocate for her. My inner child, whom no one could see, I hid her away until it was safe to come out. And the Lord has been helping me wake up, so I could help her. I had to become strong enough to stand against a nation of fools, who would rail against me and call myself and my people illegitimate. For God made us just like you. And you have no right to take our affects and our birth certificates, you took our Mother away from her calling and left them to die.

Our Mother are strewn across this nation, in shambles, wishing to die, for the deed is done and they know the great lie perpetrated on them. They feel the great gash that has sliced at the very heart them.  They are bound by words spoken over them by their own Brothers and Sisters, “Unclean!”, “Unworthy”, “what will the town think?’ What about the family name?” But oh, a lie perpetrated by the Church itself, on it’s own woman, like Mary? These woman did not have a chance in hell, and the world watch it happen so ignorant of its determent to the entire human race. If one suffers, we all suffer.

Well, let my voice hit the cold dry air, and let it ring from the top of the tower! Set my Mothers free! Damn you! She’s just a woman, who thought she feel in love. Hell, maybe she did? But we got all these ideas about it, and such. And we think we know it all don’t we? So smug. But I have lived a life I would not recommend to anyone, for although it was a good life, and my Adoptive Mom worked her ass off, but I was another woman child! Why the hell did another woman have to raise me again? I love her, but I really miss my Mom? Thank you!

And if one more person talks about drug addict Mothers, I am going to scream! Let me tell you this,  And that truth was real as the freckles on my skin, and my blue eyes. But to be with my Mother would bring disgrace I imagine. I never really have gotten the whole story out of my Mom. She says she did. But I was numb when we met, like in a fog.

Do you know how hard it is to be an adopted Mom? Like she is competing with a ghost that she does not even know? She is racing with someone inside your head, and she has not even gotten a manual to understand her? So lets give it up to the Adopted Moms and Dads who take on someone elses, what the world called a mistake? Thank you for showing up.

But I feel we can do better than rip kids from unprepared Mothers and give them to another unprepared Mother! Why are we not preparing woman to co-create life? Why is this ability not celebrated here in America where I live? Why did my ancestors not stop my Mother? Was she caught in a snare? Or were they brain washed too? Have I been born to stop this energy from reaching havoc on my family line? Have I come to remove the stain society placed on my own Mother, a stain so deep that she does not reconnect herself in me?

I think we can do better than tear a woman life apart by starting her out on the most important journey, and not giving her all the info. Oh, how about not letting dumb ass self proclaimed no it all, tell an entire world its’ ok?!!!!!!!

This is a moral issue and an ethical one as well and goes deeper than the paperwork we have yet to see?

I mean, ourMother are still brain washed. And I am watching my own Mother reel from the sucker punch of my honest account. She could not even take it in! She had to put the phone down and began babbling stuff  to my sister while I was on speaker phone that she did not understand, blah, blah, blah blah, blah. and I mean no disrespect. She was spun out!

So that showed me something and I was not sure what it was.But it would seem she was just not getting it? And she was so conflicted? What was causing this conflict? Oh, I see?

All that shit everyone said back int he 60’s about us and how we react and all that horse shit someone said. Well, that is what i am saying. There is anew kid in town and she don’t pull no punches, not even from my Mother. She told me the truth, that I need to tell the world. It hurt her like hell to do what she had to and she’s broken. And to hear me say it out loud, what she knows inside to be true, made her buckle to her knees. So I will take on this challenge for her.

I will right this wrong done to my family by a society so messed up that babies are not safe to be with their Mothers? WE can’t help woman keep their babies? It is more cost efficient to take them and give them to others and then have to pay for those children which is most of them to get help.For most of us were sick and that was due to grief that no one in their zeal to clear the stain of pregnancy without a father or matrimony , and the stain of being barren, seemed to be able to see.

Excuse my distain.

Such legal proceedings and such ignorance to be seen.

 

Half broke hearts still broke

Accepting that our hearts are broke is part of it.

Accepting that this is what you get when you do this, Adoption.

Your story is valid, and we need to stand together to witness our pain, our struggle is our story.

Accept that you can trust yourself, and that that’s ok.

Stand up and be who this made you.

Stand up and just speak your truth, others truths will have to compensate. We have bent long enough.

It is time to open our mouth and speak to show them the terrible ugly they all made here. You know I am not lying now.

And the terrible ugly is-

No original birth record-

which means, no heritage of DNA matching status

Living in the dark about ones true heritage to please our parents

We were forced into an unnatural situation that was man made.

Even in the bible, man did that. I wonder if God was powerful enough to take care of Moses?

Yeah, people talk smack. Yep, they don’t  understand. So they act out. And those who want true understanding just get in the God damn trench with there brother or sister. Like my sister Victoria. She doesn’t get it, but is still connected to her spirit that tells her the seed she needs to sow with her  sister. The seed she would want me to sow for her if the tables were turned. But that bitch got into the trench. And that’s all I needed from her, now what the hells with all of you all? She has mental capabilities you mother truckers could hope to have. And she sees me in the hole and she’s trying to free me, she feels the wound and always has. Thank God for a sister. xo

Yes, Big Girls do cry when their hearts are breaking, swallowing a pill that rips at the throat.

Crying is my life these days as the pain is unearthed from the depth of my inner child’s shame cave, where I hid it all. I did not know I hid it, but I did. No one understood, so what does one do? They stuff it.

The Adoptee- Elastic Heart

Elastic Heart
And another one bites the dust
But why can I not conquer love?
And I might’ve thought that we were one
Why not to fight this war without weapons
And I wanted it and I wanted it bad
But there were so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
And let’s be clear, I trust no one

You did not break me
I’m still fighting for peace

I’ve got a thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I’m like a rubber band until you pull too hard
But I may snap and I move fast
But you won’t see me fall apart
Cause I’ve got an elastic heart
I’ve got an elastic heart
Yeah, I’ve got an elastic heart

And I will stay up through the night
Let’s be clear, I won’t close my eyes
And I know that I can survive
I walked through fire to save my life
And I want it, I want my life so bad
And I’m doing everything I can
Then another one bites the dust
It’s hard to lose a chosen one

You did not break me
(You did not break me, no, no)
I’m still fighting for peace

I’ve got a thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I’m like a rubber band until you pull too hard
But I may snap and I move fast
But you won’t see me fall apart
Cause I’ve got an elastic heart
I’ve got an elastic heart

Oooh

I’ve got a thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I’m like a rubber band until you pull too hard
But I may snap and I move fast
But you won’t see me fall apart
Cause I’ve got an elastic heart

I’ve got a thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I’m like a rubber band until you pull too hard
But I may snap and I move fast
But you won’t see me fall apart
Cause I’ve got an elastic heart

I’ve got an elastic heart

Won’t take nothin but a memory from the house that build me.

Sometimes you just need a song, to help it. xo

If you are Hurting Please come bleed here, let it out, and know you are loved. Weeds deserve to be loved too.

As I drove home from the hospital, my world void of my Mothers voice, her heart beat, I traveled home to a cold crib in a dark room. A house full of people to greet me, but I would not have a warm welcome, My birth didn’t start as an occasion, my mother birthed me out of her life. I lay in my crib to scared to cry, I lay listening to the sound around me trying strain to hear my Mama voice, her rocking that soothed me. I would hear her no more, I would have a scare no one would recognize as what it was, my life painted over with beautiful overlays. But I was not so happy, for I was so happy riding around with the being I grew from, separated now, I am grief stricken so deep, so wounded, not even realizing it. I missed her, and she thought I would not. xo

I appreciate the Mommy who showed up. She didn’t know how I felt. They thought we were dumb, and not taking it all in. We did know? Or so they said, but I am here to set the record straight, we did know. And we have been left with nothing more than ourselves and someone else name. But what of our first Mommy? What of her?

Accepting that you were at your beginning, you were not wanted, but that you were needed. And your time is now, and all you have gone through is valid, and we need to change this part of the world. I refuse to believe my Mother was not capable. That is what some dumb fuck said, and she believed it, because she gave up on us, and out connection. Now, my baby girls so fucked up too. Trying to find there way, not realizing that as their mother wandered, so they do. God validate me. For you are the only one who can. Thank you for not leaving me in the crib alone, for comforting me when my Mommy was sick and could not see the blessing I truly am to her. xo

Stronger.


You may get knocked down. Follow your process. Keep going. Play music to allow the trapped emotions from your childhood out. Sing it. Feel it. And let it go. Use music to help your process. Music triggers things. Go where it leads and visite with that feeling until you understand what it is trying to teach you. Your body is an intelligent vessel. Listen to it. It’s trying to bring things up so you can look at them and know them. Don’t hide from them. You stop the process. Allow, allow, allow.

Yes there is pain. But beyond it if you dare, is release and understanding. Listen. And follow the process. Even when it seems ugly.