My body aches these days. 

My body aches these days. My muscles are sore and it’s hard to do things. But I have struggled to do things for years. It’s just getting to be harder to push myself these days. My body, my machine this spirit lives in is tired. 

And time has become more important. I seem to realize that there is a limit and I do not want to leave things unsaid. Just in case. It has scared me to think of living this world and not having said the hard things to give contrast for the good things to pop. My truth is important so folks can see what being adopted meant to me. An adoptee. 

It has been many things. But as of late I have shred the hard things. Because folks these days seem to only want to hear good with so much bad going on. But if we can not face those demons and look I’m in the eye, how can we change this world for the better? How can we rise above? 

We all have a purpose here. Mine is being adopted, a daughter, a mother, a wife and a friend. I am a preacher, an artist, a chef, a singer, a teacher as well as a learner. I quilted and seeed cloths for my children. I taught children how to sew. I have taught children who are problem kids with hard lives to live. My purpose has encompasse many things. 

It’s like gods prodding me. To speak up. With a hot iron of spirit that makes me yalp my truth. God has squeezed me and I have wept. Seeing the truth of my mother. For I had hoped she wanted me back. I had hope she would see the blessing in me if she knew. My love. My pain being without her. 

I feel my time is set. And lately it feels like it is close. Could be years away. But that is not what I feel. It’s like I tie up loose ends with those I love. And yes. It scares the hell out of me. Guess that’s good. I surely don’t need to take hell with me. 

My post are pointed and straight as I can make them so folks can see straight into my broken heart and the broken heart of god within me. For a world gone mad. That jerks babies around and throw them here and there as if God is mistaken.  I feel gods pain about this. And god wants me to share it with the world to try to get through. Like an arrow sent into the world each child has a mark. And my mark is to bring awareness to bring change. 

My Mama says I need help. Funny. I have needed help my whole life. Thank God for Mama Jean who showed up to help me. It was not easy. My pain of loss was an aweful burden for her to carry. And she did not deserve that. But she took it just the same. God within her showed up. 

She blessed me with her love and care. She made me feel special. Wanted. Accepted. But there was one who did not do that. And that pain haunted me my whole life. And it made me sick and discouraged, not wanting rejection again I became a people pleaser. Not knowing what my pain was. Everyone told me I was fine. I was blessed to have a mommy. But I kept thinking Bout my first mommy. 

It pledged me, the questions without answers. As I watch girls with their Mothers. And how they matched. It hurt me I could not have that too. Why did not my hearts desire matter? To her, my own mommy? I thought surely she made a mistake. Surely she was sorry. But no. She was not. And I wept when I finally swallowed the pill of her truth. I wept so hard as I faced it. What my heart knew but my mind do not want to see and believe. 

For without her there to show me, I made up another story. One where she was eating for me to return. Where we would cry and greive our loss together. But that is not what her story was at all. She saw a mistake each time she looked at me. Her heart closed to god in me. Her heart cold towards the gift god sent to her. 

And my body aches I feel because my own mother thinks such things of her own flesh. And I see that I carry that pain. And I see now that that pain is leaving after telling how I feel and felt all those years. She did not want me to out her. She did not want to know. But I did. I needed to know what my mind had hidden from me so I could heal. 

I want others to heal too. So I write. Time is of the essence. For I know not the hour God will call me. And this report is needed. My words are needed. So I must tell my story howeve tragic it is to hear or twisted it whatever. It’s mine. So I must tell the truth. 

So here it is. On this blog for all to see what I felt and thought. How twisted around I was and am by a thing we call love. 

Thank you for diving deep with me today
God bless you. 

I have let go

After a full year of processing and expressing penned up emotions held for 50+ years, I am letting go of my Bio Mom. Letting go means I am not going to email her, or bother her any longer. I am nervous, yes, cuz this body is strong and wants what it wants. But what I have seen in this year is this. My bio moms does not have any affection for me as a person, nor as a daughter. And that my Mom does. My Mama Jean that is. And it hard being adopted and maneuvering though all what folks say bout it? Yes, But what I saw was Mama Jean, steadfast and unmovable in her love and acceptance of me as her child, confused and trying to figure it out. I believe she has always known that, deep within, without words. AS I spoke the truths I was ashamed I had, I saw a bit of relief on her to finally have me say it out loud, for she could feel it. And she knows how much I love her, yes she does.

My Mama Linda, is the vessel God made me from. And Mama Jean was the one who wanted me, not Linda. She did not. And I must accept that. And in accepting that, I am no longer able to even consider her a Mom. For she is not. Sounds cold, maybe? To some? But it sounds practical to me. And my mind needs some rest from all that I toiled about before I told my truth, the truth all over this blog. And now that I have aired it all out. I see, Mama Linda blocked me, Mama Jean embraced me. That is huge….

And if truth can give me that? It was worth speaking it to obtain it. My mind is coming into an understanding of my Mama Jean and the fortitude it took to take me on, go through a messy divorce, deal with her best friend Andrea Gray, taking up with her husband and dealing with a town that shunned her for lack of understanding.  How she held onto me, despite the many suiters who would tell her to let me go. How she always was there for me, even when I was my meanest and most confused. I have a new appreciations for my Mother after letting this cat out of her bag. And for that I am grateful.

As the year is ended, and the moon has enter my sign of  Capricorn, I am hopeful. Mama Jean has seen my try to give a love that my Bio Mother did not earn, and she saw, that if my body could have, I would have given that to her. But now, that my truth is out, I can give it to her, for it set me free from thinking that woman cared for me. Her love can not hold a candle to Mama Jeans love, which is agape love, a love that goes beyond the physical. I am blessed to have had such a Mother. And am so grateful that now I can see that.

My prayer for you is that this messy blog will give you the courage to tell your truth, so you can get free too. Free to see who showed up as the angels they were? And how hard it is to love a child God did not make inside you. For that is true love. To love another child is Gods love, in human form, and I am blessed to have had such a love as that. And I am grateful to now see it.

I am not saying that my body will not ache for the woman who made me? yeah it will. It is by design, so I have a grief, but now that I have faced that grief, and asked it what it was a teaching me, I can now know, I will live on. Even though. A broken heart allows the light to shine through better than a closed one. I am grateful for this broken heart. And I am grateful for a woman in her 20’s who took me on, not knowing what the hell that meant, and she never backed down, thank you Mom.

Blessing to your year, as you speak your truth and own it, and set it free. The work is worth it. Its like mental house cleaning, it makes room for new ideas and perceptions to come through.

Thank you for diving deep with me.

The Magic of healing is in the mess..Faint not.

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Being vulnerable is work. It is hard. We are naturally all protective of our inner world, and to expose it is so very scary. But this last year, I have expose the inner world of an adoptee. I exposed my wounds, my psychosis, my life as I grew up was rough to figure out with so many questions left unanswered for years. I could take it no more. My body wrenched from he pain that I held in for so long. I had reached capacity.. My subconscious packed with all kinds of shit I wondered and felt as a child. My body demanded a purge, it demanded that I fess up to the truth I held within for safety. Mine. Rejections makes you do strange things, and being raised as a private adoption meant that no one talked about it, least of all me. I was sure not going to go there growing up, I did not want to press my luck. My own Mama did not want me, I did not know why? But I did not want my new Mama to feel for one minute like I did, deep down.

And my body showed I was not doing well, it was very sick as a child. I spent many a day in Doctor Schapp’s office, while he tried to figure out what was going on with this little girl. Ear infections, bronchitis, rashes from what he did not know, but said he wanted to write a book about it. I had every childhood disease, and some I like so much, I did them again and again. Like the three day measles, I had them 7 times, yes, ridiculous, but my Mama Jean assures me that is correct. But I do feel grief can cause many illnesses, when a child is turned around like me. I had a very violent reaction to adoption, one that would color my world grey, and numb me for years. My head would be reeling for years, toiling, trying to figure it out. I become an observer of others lives, the ones that keep their kids. I watch everything, trying to learn how to be a good daughter to Mama Jean, and eventually Mama Linda, my biological Mom. They both are my inspirations.

Yes, Mama Linda is an inspiration to me, of course she is. People are just shocked that I write that or say that? They are puzzled by it, I should not care for her at all many think? Well, I tried that not caring stuff, and what I learned is this. You can’t do that, the body simply won’t let you and when you keep trying to do that it kind of breaks down. To try not to care about the woman who God made you from is like stupid, ignorant talk and just dumb. It shows me that many people have no idea wha it is really like to be what we call adopted. I am an orphan, yep, abandoned by the woman who I came from. straight up. Once you let that seep in, then we can go further.

Many people assume because I was so young, I had no idea that I was from another woman, but I KNOW, I was not from day one. From the day I was born and never smelled my Mother again, from he day I went home with another woman who did not act like her at all. I knew the difference and that I lost someone very special to me. For children do not judge there Mothers when born, they love them, they are where they come from. We learn to judge. And there is so much judgement I have had to listen to and refute. Yes, I had to stand up for my Mothers, both. People say many things around an orphan, that they do not to others. They seem to feel entitled to do so, like they need to correct the little girl who’s Mommy does not want her or some such nonsense. Let me correct you now.

Growing up in the 60’s was like growing in the dark. So much free love and no support for the products of that love. I have listened to preachers preach about sex and drugs and yet they are no better. Addictions are only a name. And many are addicted to the way they think, like a meth head is to his fix. And folks just think they know how I felt or needed to feel. Like hello? My life, my body, my experiences and my script. Don’t judge me for the life I lived, making it up as I went, without my bio Mom to guide me? I just had to wing it, and how it felt was like shit. It tore my heart out. I just didn’t care. Why? I tried to care, but when you do good, folks get jealous, and I did not want folks to feel less than because I was a success. So I hid. I hid my feelings of grief and pain and all of it concerning her.

But there come a time when God calls you higher and the weight of it does not let you rise. So you must lay it down. And it meant so much. You loved her with your heart alone, inside. And that is an energy, grief is an energy. It is a hole, you felt when she went, that no one else can fill. I built a beautiful room for Mama Jean, she has her own place with in me. But I have an empty room with no Mama in it. Only her memories to keep me company and she lives, so you can see that I want her to come to tea and we can talk, and share, maybe even cry together for the loss we both suffered.

But healing is messy you see. For God calls us back, to look again at it. And if we hold onto old thoughts and do not speak them out loud, they are like a vibrational holding pattern that keeps us where we do not want to be. So I spoke it, all that crap I held, and it did not make sense to anyone but me. When pain and grief and whatever we hold in comes back up, its not organized, ok? It just comes up like barf. I call it emotional flu, it just comes up and has to be let out. That seems to be the hardest things for us to do these days, most people want to make sense, and to be respected and to keep it together. But falling apart means we get to rebuild it. WE get to choose again. And now we know better, so we can do better, right?

I can do better, for sure. For now I know, that how I felt and feel is important, if only just to me. I have come into my own, and stand before you as I am. A wounded person as we all are. And my wound was from this crazy world and what they say Adoption is, and from what I loss, and from a love so deep, that it calls me back to her, with Mama Jean in my hand too. Two woman raised me, one made me, the other trained me. That is a miracle. And they should meet. For they are best friends, who raises another child, and is not a friend? The world judges, I do not, I only tell how I felt. It was hard for me. So hard to figure out. What is wrong with me? That my own Mommy did not want me? What did I do? Was I bad? Am I wrong? Am I messed uP? Its a mental tailspin I want to stop. No child should have to wonder such things. Adoptions cuts children off from their cheerleaders, and we need to be connected. I don’t know if my Mothers had been friends, maybe I would not have felt so. But we must begin to try to do better. My story can help you see, what was inside of me, could be inside of your child. So, ask the hard questions, let your children express themselves. For God sake, it is their Mother. Help them to love their Mama’s like my Mama Jean did me. Somehow she got through. Her love, has helped me love my Mama Linda, I may not like it, but I do love her.

Thank you for diving deep with me.

Happy New Year 2017, make it a year of truth, so you can be set free…….

I wish for us all to be seen as the gifts we all are from God to this world.

Adoptees wrestle with the mind for a Moral reform 

Ephesians 6:12-13King James Version (KJV)
12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
This is our battle ground Afoptees. The minds of each person. And we must speak the truths that we KNOW inside of us that must come out. For we hold the medicine. Our truth is the cure. But we must rally. And believe in ourselves. That is new to actually display. We do inside. But outside. That is where it needs to go! They will be struck dumb by our words. Yes. They will be shocked. Yes. They are brain washed. They think this feels ok? Most people just can not grasp it. So they push it away? They have not experienced what we have? So we must teach them! We must teach the world to do better with us. 

Can’t you see that? We are wounded still. So What’s the difference. They call Us crazy, misfit, adopted, bastard, and on and on. What do we have to loose? All we had was taken from

Us while we were to

Young to fend for ourselves. Our mothers were unprotected and taken advantage of. Our rights stripped from us. It is time. We must stand. We must do the work we came here for. Which is to atop this shit. 

It is a Struggle to change, Adoption Sucks right now, Like this

HOW ABOUT:

I WANT MY MOTHER! Could you kindly unbrainwash her?

It is a struggle to change something. And being Adopted is really off kilter. And when you start you life off, your whole situation is askew. Your view points are askew, your ideas about things like family are very warped. You don’t see it so black and white as folks who are kept safe inside the safe walls of DNA. When you get thrown out like the bath water you see the gutter. I mean our Moms got taken to the cleaners, man. They got taken for a ride that never ends, and gets worse as you go. They struggle to separate like they say and we like fingers in a Chinese torture game are stuck. For a Mother can NEVER SEPARATE FROM HER MOTHER!! And to do so causes grave harm to both of their psyche’s. The mind is part of this picture too. And to ignore it is to say the body can be chopped up and served to anyone. And we all know that is not true, for we have to take meds to accept a body part that is not of our DNA pool, but Adopted kids just get yanked out of a vagina passing by, to get thrown around like puppies, like they have not Cellular memories, like they are just dolls for the making and her for whom ever wants to take them. We are messing with a complex ECO system here folks. And I particularly don’t really like folks fucking with my Eco system, OK!

We are stripped of our heritage, which should be kept in-tacked! That is mine! And I don’t like you just locking it away and keeping it from me for  53 years! My mom has not even given me my heritage, she thinks I don’t give a shit or need it does she? Yeah, she does. Why? Because she has been brain washed. I can keep going and I will. I will not rest until my Mother is woken from this sleep and starts acting like my Mother! My kids tell me I don’t act right. And I say inside my head now typed onto this page, “Oh, you want me to be a good Mom?, Look at my Mom? She gave me away?” I think in my head, what the fuck do you expect me to do? Look where I came from? I kind of thought I did better by at least keeping them, but they say different. They tell me I am fucked up. They don’t trust me. They run away from me. They don’t like how I talk bout my Mother, but do nothing to help me with the huge job of patching my life back together, they think I should stay all chopped up.

But I am not going to stay chopped up. I want my family back, and I want them to get me. And that is not what we have experienced. My family, myMother, thinks she knows how it supposed to be, HA! And I love that woman, but she is a wrong as wrong can be. And I trie dot tell her, but she all tied up wit shame. Shame is starring down her neck, and breathing on her face. But why is she stuck like this? Because she got told a bunch of hooey! And now that I her daughter have come back, she can’t shift her gears, she thinks I am the enemy? Me, her kid, grown up, and strong, and smart, and I found her? She thinks this of her kid?

NOW THAT IS UP FOLKS. And we have Adoption to thank for this happy family reunion! Thank you Adoption! I know there are many things Adoption has taught me, but keeping my Mom from me by brainwashing her to continue to reject me over and over and over and over is cruel! Ignorance is cruel when truth comes to call folks.

Chime in any of your Birth Mother! I would really like to know what goes on inside those confused beautifully brainwashed heads. Why? Because we are a part of this mess, and it’s time to clean it up and move on. This has come to the end and it was never useful. And now you will see why. For my People hold a truth no one can fight. Our truths of pain from our relinquishment, and the pain while growing up without our families to cheer us on, will make you stager when we finally get it all out. The holocaust has nothing of this folks.

You have delivered a sucker punch to the children God has made inside of our mothers womb to rival Hitler! And I know God is not happy with that. So we need to change this. NO child should be treated like this. Every child should be safe with it’s mother, and we as a society should make that so. Support Mothers, and families and we who are learned, should teach those who struggle to learn? Like duh? But no we create things like Adoption that tear at a fundamental foundation of this society and wonder why the children treated this way suffered and are angry? Wake up.

What is a house on a hill? When you made a baby pay for that dream to happen. Look at your behavior! All over a little baby? The Angels Harold Jesus’s birth, but Society damned him when he was old and could speak about it. We do not think we need a savor. But its not about Jesus, its about what Jesus represents. He is us, the children. So we need to look at what we do? Jesus was himself a fatherless, unwed Mothers child. He had a step father Joseph. Can’t anyone see that? Well, God showed me that?

It’s like Jesus is saying to me, “Go on honey, I did, and look, I showed you, you live on” EAch of us come here to change this world, we each decide what we want to do, but we all pay the price of this free will everyones waving in your face. I payed the price for my Mothers free will, and you supported her to do this. So your all guilty, and I am to if I let it continue without doing something. So here I am, doing what I can. How ever missed spelled I am, however my grammar is off, and even if I don’t make sense. I am sharing my heart with you, from an Adopted child’s heart. I share all that my Little self had to endure living like this. And if I am fucked up to you, then you only add weight to my words. Thank you

Hell, you haven’t even heard how it felt to my kids? They suffer to having me like this and no one thinks its wrong and they think I am the messed up one? No one should be made to live like this. And not many see what I am even trying to say. It is so big, it will take awhile to explain it. So excuse me for being a bit disorganized in my writing, this is how it looks, raw and unedited to be me. I am not going to sprinkle sugar on it for you. I am unable to do that. For a report must be reported accurately. And it pains me to tell you, yes it does. I can see it in the eyes of those I share it with, they first get a deer in the head light look on their faces and then they kind of pull away. It hurts even the person you tell it too, they want to deny it.

I am really glad my kids are honest though, I think I would be so messed up with out them telling me how fucked up I am. They scrunch their noses at me? As if I smell, I probably do, they have heard it their entire lives, even while in the womb. I wrote about my Mom while pregnant with her, I missed her so much and had so many questions for her. This is what we get o deal with, dead ends and unfinished roads that lead to no where. Thank you Catholic Society! The church is such a positive support network for us woman isn’t it?

Why would anyone treat an orphan that their own mom did not want any better? Like you didn’t have to work for it? You just walk in and think you can take over where my Mom left off? Good try. Now my Adopted Moms got to see, yes see the proof that that is just not true. A Mom is precious to its’ Child, and no one can take her place and now you have just created some fucked up woman in the name of Adoption, and then say, “Well, looky here! She was a drug addict anyway, look at her, she didn’t deserve that child?” Who in the hell are you to tell God he doesn’t know what he is doing? Who? Who are you? To think God does not know what he is going, or she. WE hang on a rock in space you dumb asses! Gezzz!

If anger is a catalyst for change, I am on fire! And I do not think that I am supposed to stop. For God fuels my fire, this idea has been making this whole universe upset. We are working against the flow of the Natural order and acting like we know it all. I know this. And it sucks big ones! I love my Adopted Mom, she should not have to deal with this either, but I should not have to be silently in pain so she can have her dream? Like what the hell. That is what you ask if you want me to be silent. And why is not my dream important? Or babies for our recreation? Do we get to do whatever we want? Yes, but we all pay a price int he end, You all will be seeing more of me and my people.

It is time for us to tally our poll and show you our research. For we are the being you have experienced with, and our lives. And now you all need to see what a fucked up thing you really did. I can not put my stamp of approval on this. Why? Because I am one person who did not enjoy this. I feel that if the process, that we initiated is not a total success, it is a fail and should be discontinued. I know that my people, the Adoptees have many More horror stories than I. And as soon as they realize that the pain will not go away until they report their findings, you will see what has really been done.

My Mother deserves to be Celebrated

I know that as you browse these pages you see all kinds of human emotions smeared all over the pages. And some make sense and some don’t with words, but a feeling is here that you can not explain away, for I show you my grief and I let you feel it yourself, so you an truly judge if its real. I do not primp myself or you to parade through her and pick here or there. No my heart is strewn all over the place, and you must walk lightly as not to break it any further. For a child lives here. And she is a sacred being within  a woman who is grown. And this child demand that someone stand up for her, and so I advocate for her. My inner child, whom no one could see, I hid her away until it was safe to come out. And the Lord has been helping me wake up, so I could help her. I had to become strong enough to stand against a nation of fools, who would rail against me and call myself and my people illegitimate. For God made us just like you. And you have no right to take our affects and our birth certificates, you took our Mother away from her calling and left them to die.

Our Mother are strewn across this nation, in shambles, wishing to die, for the deed is done and they know the great lie perpetrated on them. They feel the great gash that has sliced at the very heart them.  They are bound by words spoken over them by their own Brothers and Sisters, “Unclean!”, “Unworthy”, “what will the town think?’ What about the family name?” But oh, a lie perpetrated by the Church itself, on it’s own woman, like Mary? These woman did not have a chance in hell, and the world watch it happen so ignorant of its determent to the entire human race. If one suffers, we all suffer.

Well, let my voice hit the cold dry air, and let it ring from the top of the tower! Set my Mothers free! Damn you! She’s just a woman, who thought she feel in love. Hell, maybe she did? But we got all these ideas about it, and such. And we think we know it all don’t we? So smug. But I have lived a life I would not recommend to anyone, for although it was a good life, and my Adoptive Mom worked her ass off, but I was another woman child! Why the hell did another woman have to raise me again? I love her, but I really miss my Mom? Thank you!

And if one more person talks about drug addict Mothers, I am going to scream! Let me tell you this,  And that truth was real as the freckles on my skin, and my blue eyes. But to be with my Mother would bring disgrace I imagine. I never really have gotten the whole story out of my Mom. She says she did. But I was numb when we met, like in a fog.

Do you know how hard it is to be an adopted Mom? Like she is competing with a ghost that she does not even know? She is racing with someone inside your head, and she has not even gotten a manual to understand her? So lets give it up to the Adopted Moms and Dads who take on someone elses, what the world called a mistake? Thank you for showing up.

But I feel we can do better than rip kids from unprepared Mothers and give them to another unprepared Mother! Why are we not preparing woman to co-create life? Why is this ability not celebrated here in America where I live? Why did my ancestors not stop my Mother? Was she caught in a snare? Or were they brain washed too? Have I been born to stop this energy from reaching havoc on my family line? Have I come to remove the stain society placed on my own Mother, a stain so deep that she does not reconnect herself in me?

I think we can do better than tear a woman life apart by starting her out on the most important journey, and not giving her all the info. Oh, how about not letting dumb ass self proclaimed no it all, tell an entire world its’ ok?!!!!!!!

This is a moral issue and an ethical one as well and goes deeper than the paperwork we have yet to see?

I mean, ourMother are still brain washed. And I am watching my own Mother reel from the sucker punch of my honest account. She could not even take it in! She had to put the phone down and began babbling stuff  to my sister while I was on speaker phone that she did not understand, blah, blah, blah blah, blah. and I mean no disrespect. She was spun out!

So that showed me something and I was not sure what it was.But it would seem she was just not getting it? And she was so conflicted? What was causing this conflict? Oh, I see?

All that shit everyone said back int he 60’s about us and how we react and all that horse shit someone said. Well, that is what i am saying. There is anew kid in town and she don’t pull no punches, not even from my Mother. She told me the truth, that I need to tell the world. It hurt her like hell to do what she had to and she’s broken. And to hear me say it out loud, what she knows inside to be true, made her buckle to her knees. So I will take on this challenge for her.

I will right this wrong done to my family by a society so messed up that babies are not safe to be with their Mothers? WE can’t help woman keep their babies? It is more cost efficient to take them and give them to others and then have to pay for those children which is most of them to get help.For most of us were sick and that was due to grief that no one in their zeal to clear the stain of pregnancy without a father or matrimony , and the stain of being barren, seemed to be able to see.

Excuse my distain.

Such legal proceedings and such ignorance to be seen.