Loosing your mind is a good things. And here is why? The mind, the mammalian mind, is limited, it is like a hard drive, a storage unit to help us live, but there is a world wide hard drive, like the internet, God has all the info we need. So loosing your mind, letting what you think about it go, telling your truth, leaves room for God to work in our lives. When we identify our own thinking, our own short fallings, our own crazy, confused and painful experiences and the thoughts that went with that, we transcend those very things. Its like it busts it up, it breaks you free.
When we realize that we don’t have all the info, and when we understand that this world is so complex, and that it has intelligence, beyond what our little minds can think. WE have connected to the vine, and will begin to see things start moving, especially shit, shit we have held onto for years. I believe God called me to air my shit on this blog, to show folks the way to get real, is to let go of what we thought about it, tell the pain about it, and be vulnerable, because we are vulnerable. To act like we have it all together is psychosis.
Definition of psychosis
plural psychosesplay \-ˌsēz\
: a serious mental illness (such as schizophrenia ) characterized by defective or lost contact with reality often with hallucinations or delusions
Now I would say, Now, as I look at myself, I was psychotic before I spoke my truth. I had been cut off from reality as it truly was. I had lived years without my Mother. And I had told myself lots of lovely things to pass my time. Like she really wanted me back, was one of them. I told myself she cared for me and wanted, needed to have me back. Not knowing her story of why she obviously was acting like she did not, when I came back to knock on her door. I can see now, that that was my truth, until I saw my Mothers truth. And it has taken me 24+ years to come awake to it. I did not want to believe it. But it stares me straighten my soul now, I look at it, and I choose to love it. For I know God is there. But I will not say I like it. No, I do not like it.
What kind of daughter would not want her Mother? Like that is kind of a normal, Children want their Mothers, and Mothers have to do a lot to make a daughter cut them off. But I am long suffering, and I came to love her, and I am not off course at all. I do love her. I love her enough to bust her chops and show her who I really am. That I am a spirit, the same spirit that is within her. And I still do not know how I came to be. She did elude to the fact that she hit my father over the head with a flashlight after conceiving me in the back of a car. And that kind of sounds like she was not completely on board with he experience. I do not know if he pushed himself onto her, I hope not. But by the way she acts, it kind of makes me think he did. That maybe she got in over her head with him. I have been told of how he was, and I can see that. It hurts my heart to think that is the way I came to be. Cuz no one wants a child conceived like that, and it make me sad to think so.
But, these are still stories I tell myself, until she tells me the truth. And I am swirling around and around, trying to ground myself without it. I do not know why it matters so much, but it does. And seeing that your Mothers struggles with you, is not a fun place to go. It is not like Disneyland at all, more like being black, being judged for your skin, for your fathers actions. It is a prejudice that is not really on the radar these days, but its there, running in the background of life. Woman throwing away their babies because of their fathers. I can say this, my children, are my children. And no man will make me walk away from them. I may let them walk away from me and my choices, but I always have them inside my hearts. I can not help some of the things I have done, believe me, if I could, I would have avoided many of them. But many I would avoid, were the very things that brought them into my life, so, it gets tricky, trying to be God.
But these minds of ours, so strong, can get us into trouble. But trouble is why Jesus came, right? All have fallen short. And grace is for the taking, grace means we are all learning, all coming of age, all transcending our missed marks. This world is a spiritual class room. It is a place we forget that we are pieces of God, and get our head into the game, and then take them out again, and give those minds to God, for expansion, for edification, for connection. I feel like God ride within, observing, and that at some point, God within, gets ahold of us. And when we submit to that God within, begins to teach us. As we accept that we are the trinity, we can see, God is all and all is God. We see God everywhere and we see that we all have a sovereign duty to speak the truths we know, so that folks can learn and grow. Truth is subjective to the one who experienced it, and everyones truth is different.
My truth was very different from my Mothers truth of me. And my truth of her, was very different than my truth of her. But does that mean we must just throw in the towel? Especially as christians, can we just block folks? Is that in the bible? Block your brother or sister? No, it is not there. So we must go forward and listen to the spirit within, and set the flesh down and let spirit have a talk to it. Connections is what’s going on her, getting past the packages we travel in, these earthen vessels, carry very precious cargo. When we realize that, we see God in everyone, just that some are at different stages than others, and our truth is like a ladder, or a hand, reaching out, to pull them up or over across the abyss that is between us.
Corinth 13:12 KJ For now we see through a glass, darkly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; but then shall I know, even as also I am known.
It speaks before this of putting away childish t things. Stories that are not grounded in truth are childish. Or more like child like. We play pretend. But when the truth of a matter such as mine, comes barreling down the smoking gun of your Mothers truth, it takes the breath away, it makes you stagger for a bit from the blow. One day as it hit me, she had said something to me on the phone. That she was not wanting me, that my truth was not hers. That statement, those words stabbed at my truth like a hot knife, it was like molten lava over me, it was white hot truth. It began to sink in, she did not feel the same as me. And It would take me days to process what she had said, as it sunk into my head. That day after I had called her, we were still talking at the time, but I think this kind of stopped it. She saw my truth as well. She saw that I had held hope for her. And that I had hoped and believed she did truly want me back in her life. A few days later I fell apart on the bathroom floor, sobbing uncontrollably. I rocked myself or comfort as it sunk in, that I was wrong. I wonder if she did the same? or was her heart to hard by now? Had her truth hardened her heart beyond God repair? Now, To know me, is to know this is not behavior that I engage in often. I was dealing with the truth like no other, white hot truth, hard truth. From the lips of the woman I loved. Was as hard as a sledged hammer to the brain. It was like she took my blanket of comfort from my very hands that day. She stole my precious dream, the one I told myself or comfort, away in one felled swoop. And my breath was gone, as I was crumpled on the floor of the bathroom trying got grapple alone with it all.
But loosing that mind of mine was what was needed. Why? Because that was precisely what God was doing. Prying my hands from a story, and my Mothers from hers. And I feel, call us to put those hands into each others, as God instructs, we must practice our Christianity. As we throw our bottle rockets and they blow up in our faces, and the smoke billowed, we were forging some thing new, and destroying something old. I don’t think she understood that and thought I was a bit mad. And I was mad. I had thought she wanted me back and was just feeling guilty, but she did not want me back, because she did not see herself in me. And we all know she is there in me, DNA proves it, when you hear me and her together, it is so surreal, it is so crazy. I leave her house and it sounds like she has possessed me and speaks from my mouth. I would say it is comforting, its like she is in the car with me. And that is really all a daughter wants from a Mother. Her time and her care. Right? Why should I be any different?
The stories we tell ourselves are comfortable. We fashion them to comfort us. But, the do not serve when comfort keep us in the comfort zone. God calls us higher, always. God calls our souls to dig deeper. And God was calling me to love her deeper than I had, past her truth. For beyond her truth and beyond my truth is Gods truth about it. And Mama Jean was a person too, a part of this situation now and had been since the day Mama Linda signed me over to her care. And this was just childish to not proceed to allow Gods love to be seen through us both. I had picked up many thoughts about it along my life path. And those things had to be told to Mama Linda and Mama Jean for us to adjust to what was really here. It needed to be spoken, so we could shed that story and embrace a new one. One of restoration. It is not easy. But when you get the call, its best to obey. Even when your Mothers are comfortable with the story as it is.
I hope my story helps you understand. It is complex, yes. And there are many sides to this story. So it gets kind of confusing and that is precisely what I am trying to show you, my life is so complicated, with so many folks to learn so you can understand why I am the way I am.
Thank you for your time. Thank you for coming here and reading my story and my babbling. I hope my truth gives you strength as you face your own truth. I hope you find the comfort you need in the truth and that you will muster the courage to speak it. Your voice is one voice, but you are here for a reason, don’t take your pearls to the grave, share them for all to learn.
Thank you for diving deep with me today.