People may say…

People may say about me that I go around in circles. And yes, that is true. But what folks don’t know about me is that I am an idea person, an eagle, a big picture kind of girl. And that is why folks have a difficult time keeping up with me, they don’t stay tuned into what I am leading them too. They get triggered and don’t even look at the gun in their own hands. That is what I do best, help people see the gun that is where the trigger is, and help them to point it in the directions it needs to go. Not within. We can forget about shooting ourselves. Yeah, no killing today. Because I don’t want to kill anything. I just want to feed some new ideas and not feed some old ideas that are clouding our way as we all evolve and grow here.

People may say, I am crazy. And yes, that is true. But who doesn’t need a little crazy now and then to stir the pot, I mean we don’t want whats on the bottom to burn now do we? What is at the bottom of Adoption that is raising such a stink these day? From what I see? As an adoptee who is deeply connected to the pain body of Adoptees that struggle to find identity and autonomy? I see, that the Adoptee is left out of the equation, due to age, or whatever, our rights are not yet recognized as a voice for a better way. I mean you try to talk to some people? Especially people affected directly about adoptions existence? Like AP’s for one? And they just throw their hands in the air and start to call you crazy, like the other day on twitter, where I stood alone and took it and gave it back. They all said mean things to me, an Adoptee? And they have adoptive children in their homes? It makes me very concerned about these folks and their true intentions?

I mean if folks can’t listen to an adoptee who’s grown and her experiences and ask questions, instead of tearing me down? What hope do their children have? One Lady? Has a child from China, and was left in the streets! And this woman is going on and on about how terrible it was of the Mother to do such a thing on twitter, over and over! And is only cutting her nose off despite her face. Does she think, that her child is dumb, or blind, or deaf? Like what the hell? I was trying to remind her that the Mother is always important to the child, that her child has not forgotten her Mama at all. And that when she is able, she will search, and that if she knew what was best for them all? She would do whatever she can now, to make sure her loved daughter as she says, has the best chance to find her. Because if she stand in the way, in anyway, the daughter will see, what the woman really is about.

And these folks were quite mean, saying Obama Care would not cover my illness and so on. Same old same old. Like, whatever guys, good luck trying to shut this bitch up. They have been trying for years, and I am just getting started. This subject is most important to me, and I am channeling all my anger, pain, and anxiety toward a new day. I take my pain and speak my truth, so another will not have to. I work for future generations that have been cut by Adoptions knife. Their blood is as good as mine and surely, I can do for them what was not done for me. Sure, people try to tell me, your story is not like mine. And I wonder do they see how similar we all are at the end of the day. Thinking about Mama is the theme… always. But they don’t show it, neither does our Mama’s.

And people may say, I am harsh. Well, honey, that is precisely how it felt to me. Adoption felt harsh. And I sincerely would like to sweeten it up for you, but there were no ingredients to add except that harshness. To sweeten my story us is to take it all away and make something else of it? My life is my life. And this is how it felt. YOU, get over it! OK. I have danced around and around this Adoption thing for years. I am not dancing for you anymore, Adoption, I am calling you out for what you are. A womb raider. That is what you are. And unless we truly are willing to look at the Adoptees experiences, we are daft. Like they said I was on twitter the other day, too. Funny. And yet not. So lame and dumb people are in their self inflicted psychosis. Yes, I said psychosis. You know, the state of loosing touch with reality? And those people are out of touch with the Adoptees reality, inside our heads, where we keep our true feeling hid for lack of anyone who truly cares to listen and help us.

Adoption, is a triad, and a two sided modality that claims to deliver and does not. There are three sides to this Modality, and Adoptees are in the middle, center, surrounded, by folks that talk all day about love and care and don’t even see our pain? Like hello? It just boggles the mind. My mind was boggled for years? Literally boggled and swirling around with this story and that that did not line up with what I felt within about it all. We must look to the Adoptees for the truth, and take our lickings, for we have, for you all? Have we not? Have we not lived lives without our family’s for you all? Have we not held feelings in for fear of hurting you as much as we hurt? Have we not cried alone, you did not know, for our loss, for you? So you could have? Have we not longed for our own Mama’s to be proud of us, and yet unable to show her what it is we do, for you all? Hell, for society! WE endure, for you! And its time for us, you know, the one you all are helping so much to have our day, and what we want and long for? Heritage is nothing if all don’t have it. We deserve our heritage and our places within our families.

Adoptive families have joined with families to raise children. Hello! Adoptive families join contracts with Mothers, to raise their children as they see fit. And they are forever bond to this family, until death. And it is high time we realize this truth. WE are connected, and yet adoptive families raise these children AS IF they are their own, fully knowing, they are not. Adopted Children have families first, and then have another family that is overplayed on top of their first families, which makes it quite confusing to us all to navigate such a narrative. Like wake up people! Dont you see what you do? My God. It gets me rilled up for sure. And I am not going to calm down until resolution is made. And people learn. What we have to teach!

People can say what they want. But in the end, I will be standing with  my truth flag of victory, and leave my legacy to this planet by doing something to bring this most needed change to Others who will be touched by Adoptions bloody knife. I know the depth of the pain Adoptees feel, I have talked to them my whole life. I know the signs of fear and anxiety that riddle their faces as I ask the unasked, and prob where I know the truth is. Many have run away, for fear of exposure. And I am done with my people having to hide! I am done with Adoptees being treated like they are crazy for their opinions that no one understands because of psychosis in most AP’s heads, dreaming that the child they have, is theirs is a shame on them. And with education, there is not need for shame. My bible says, Study to show thyself approved, a workman who need not be ashamed. And from what I am experiencing by coming out with my data is that folks don’t want to learn. Ignorance is king, and needs to remember, Adoptees are Queen and the queen always runs the King.

I want to say here, as November is Adoption Awareness Month, My Mama Jean has exceeded any, well, even Mama, as far has commitment and faithfulness to be my Mama, like Mama wanted, and has not abandoned me during this most trying time of disclosure, and discovery on my part. She has been a rock, my Mama should appreciate and thank.  There is hope. Mama Jean adopted me not knowing what lay in store, and never backed off when it got tough. Mama? Well, she’s still not stepping up. And that is the thing I speak for. If Adoptions so good for us, why must we loose at all? Mama said I was a product of a date Rape, ok. But I am not a rapist or a rape! I am a person who was created from a rape. That is different indeed. And thank God she gave me away! But I do not thank God that she stays ignorant of what she did by blocking progress. I mean I am 54, almost 55, and I am grown and she still treats me like that act? I can see it, and yet she act like she can’t? She still tries to deflect.

People may say, I am way off. But we will see about that! Adoptees are posting as I write and the web is forming to catch you all in its educations webs. So your time is limited, by our voices of education. Your ignorance is done, as we speak the truth from experience, not fables and stories of this and that. Our truth will win, for it is truth, and not made up lies however white they may be, our blood stains them. And Christ died for us, and our blood matters, our voices are heard by a loving God who gives us strength to speak our truth to make them see. I want change. November is the month of changing the script, and our lines will not be read as given, for a new narrative is coming, up out of the bells that they were crammed into for lack of anyone to listen. There is no place for Adoption to hide when we speak up, and find our roots and ground in the truth we have lived. All will learn, all will grow, and all will see a better way when our dust settles.

Thanks for diving deep with me today.

God Bless..

This Bath is hot! I am sweating!

I have had my second cup of coffee, the brew is from Raven Brew, again, wild wolf is the name. And this wolf is howling in a hot tub, typing my love for all to see and read. And the temperature is perfect for these dumplings to rise and pop in the Chicken Soup for my soul cooking on the stove of my heart/hearth, for Me and Mama. My tub is big, snapped like a oval womb, where I birth myself and Mama, a new. Each day, I go to the tub, and soak in the water, and remember the one I came from in a sacred practice of my soul, honoring Mama, and our precious time together. She may have talked smack about me showing up unwelcome and uninvited, but I love that gal. She didn’t know what was growing inside her, now did she? Well, she thought it was a mistake? Well, I am no mistake..God makes no mistakes, if we have eyes to see.

There does come a time when your Mama’s tied to an old identity, and she needs to be set free. And for her to come home to herself, in all facets and all ways. So she can see the beauty in every move, I go there, with all of you, I travel back for a moment to give you context to my journey, the journey of a child who goes home despite it all. Mama told me that only Oprah could make her eat her words, by telling me she would not change her mind, not even if I went on Oprah? Oh, I love a challenge Mama, I take your challenge. And you watch me go, get on Oprah, and speak to you there if this blog is not enough. I’ll go there for you, for God, who is glorified by a love such as God gave me for you. We are forever twined, forever connected, forever soulmates with the same mark on our hearts, where the tear is, that needs our tender stitching and tending too. I am a nurses granddaughter, I know what to do, its in my blood to heal.

But many times surgery is needed to dig out the poison that is causing distress, and to clean the wound, only some have eyes to see the wound in you. God gave me eyes to see, through your mask, to the real you within, that is wrapped ever tightly with my memory, and my essence, that is alive, in you and trying to get out. I am not memory now, I am flesh and blood, bone of your bone, child created by a loving father. Who say you there, wounded, and sent a gift to heal you… Back I came with he force from which you sent me, a sucker punch of love…What can stand agains love? Nothing. Not a thing, not even you. Oprah gonna love this story, once she hears it from me. And it will be a movie of courage and love that will help others, like Mama’s and children that lament for what was lost. Because you let me into that house, because of David, so, I know how to get in Mama. Yep, I know my Mama real well. You let me in, when you saw my offering, a son, that looks much like the man that made me. Oh, yeah, you let me in to take a look at that boy and see what was made from what was made from you. He’s quite handsome, isn’t he? And so level headed, and polite? Yes, he did exceedingly well, as his Aunt walled on me with her words of unwelcoming me. What a son of character he is. And I have protected him from that, and felt it was time her see, who the people are that he comes from. Thanks for the show Victoria.

David needed to see the hateful nature he wrestles with, and takes out on Nana. Just like Victoria took it out on me who is from another man than her father and raised by a stranger she does not really like or understand. A new child always stirs this kind of energy up as the children in the family already learn to adjust and find there new place in the family. And I am a big energy to have to size up. Sister is trying to figure me out, she and I needed to do what we did, so she could see what I am made of and what she is made of and adjust to each other. We did well, articulated, and did not touch on another. That is good. Each of us spoke our truth, and each of us learned, and she learned that baby sisters no push over and that she’s locked a loaded and a take no prisoners kind of girl. Mama or die trying. That is my creed. Always has been. I just never told anyone, to keep  my dream safe, growing like a child within me, waiting to be born a new. Better. And an evolved version of her Mama, what Mama’s seed looks like after being raised by another, and free.

This is a love story like no other. Of a child relinquished and yet still attached by the think thread that God left attached, that fed my soul each time Mama prayed and thought about me. And she thought about me more than she says. I know that. She tells on herself, and she sees her act doesn’t work on me. That I can see through her mask, I am from the essence she made me from, so I am in there. That is what I am trying to show everyone. Your Mama and Daddy are in you. I am unwilling to go forward without My Mama that i was lead back too. Because, I get grace, and that God is the God of infinite chances, if we will wake up and see the helicopter and raise our hand and be rescued from an old way, God can take us higher. And I will say it again, If we faint not in our well doing. Might look crazy, but I know we all need a little crazy in our lives to liven us up and get us going again. Like kittens that jump at our feet as we sort the laundry, they demand that we play, and show us what’s really important. They get us out of our funk of drudgery. Mama’s living a dull life, compared to the one I see her living with me back in her life. Chelsie is just a piece of bubbly love muffin, that came from me. If she loves you? She came from me, and the love in me for you, has come to call and you received it. yep, you did.

I am writing to many people, and Mama. I call that a multi level speaker, and thinker. It is the ability to take it all in and process more than one perspective all at once. I have done it for years with my kids, as they came at me full force and all talked at once, and I listened to them all, at once. Kind of like we all were talking on Chelsie’s birthday, at once. It makes my heart sing to actually fight with big sister. I know, you don’t get it. But I have missed her too. And Liz, and phyliss was my surprise sister. And I want them for my own, they have a home in my heart, I have had to make rooms for each. And they are filled with loving gifts, and thoughtful ideas, and the tea is ready, and I want to drink them in. My soul is like a sponge, that only they can wet, with their love for Mama and her child made out of wedlock, and the one they support whole heartedly because Mama made that baby, and gave her away, and she came back with healing in her worn wings.

This story is not a Nicolaus Sparks novel, it is a happy ending. Where restoration is the key. And carving away the old, methodical and precisely, like Mama would want, leaving no stone unturned, all in place and accounted for. A memorial to a woman found with child, who gave her away in hopes for her to be treated well and loved like she deserved, like Mama wanted. And all i want is Mama’s love, it makes it all worth it. I will go through fire, if she wants me to live without her, I will, but it will not be good. Because I am loosing hope, she is my hope and my muse, and she can’t even see herself in my eyes, looking back at her, saying, love me, love this part of me, and love this part of yourself. Its time to love all of you, I am part of you, and your story, and lets see, how beautiful we all are by unwrapping the gift you gave away, and see what was in you then and what I did with it. Lets open ourselves and see how much we have in common. Do I know me? yes, so I know a bit about you, because your were I came from.

This is a love story. A child who loves all of you involved, and who wants us all to come together and put our faith where our Mouths are. I am standing in the street, because I don’t plan to loose. I came from a winner, was raised my a winner, so, I am a winner. Well, a weird winner, true. Adoptions a twisted idea, and everyones got there own ideas what it is, but I know what it is. And its time for this adoptee to come home to Mama. And for family to gather around and rejoice a lost child came home, Mama is supposed to be out on the road, if I am a prodigal. Well, now she gonna have to come get me because I am out of resources to come again. My husband and i have begun a business on faith, faith in our abilities, and our talents, and moneys running out. Gods got to hear my call, and see my step of faith. I have jumped, and I wait for the net to appear. Mama has always been my net, and God holds her. God holds her near, and I must show God in her, my trust is not taken for granted. My Mama has not been taken for granted. Everything she gave me, including my father, have not been taken for granted.

Do I sing? Have I won trophies” And money for my voice? Did I live in Nashville and write songs? Yes. Daddy wanted you to have that. And your voice is mixed with his,  inside me. And is begging to come out. But my one condition is with you Mama, you are the one. Ive looked around and asked many to help me. And your the perfect one, I know what your made of and you will have my back. And you are the one, Phil was not. He couldn’t see it, but you do, if you look and get real, you see it. Your own potential rising up, and greeting you with a strong slap on the preverbal face, to wake up to our potential. Mama Jean too. No one losses here with me unless they walk away. And, no ones walking away. Not me at least, maybe to regroup and come back in one of my cycles. Victoria. You are a Druid, and we all know that every is on a cycle, with the moon and planets around us. Woman cycle with the moon, and I cycle with Mama, I come when she calls me, her body just cries inside and I come to her call. Now that I can go to her physically, but always i met her in a quiet place and sang my loving songs to her soul and cheered her up and quieted her worries about me. She worried a lot.

She can not fail, not on my watch! She will have this. And we will all give this to her. I know my worth, my Mama gave me to another, and I have paid the price for my own freedom, with my life dedicated to my Mama’s and family. Chelsie can not deny that I laid my own life down for hers. I walked away from music for my children. And felt that if I put them first, God would bless me. And if my voice needed to be heard, God would make it happen. I want you there, with me.. When I come into my gift. I want you to see it all and not just feel it and imagine it. You have paid the price for such gift. I see and watch what you do to serve God, God sees, God blesses. But we must take the blessings when they show up and not send them on their way as if curses come to call.

We work to straighten our our minds about it. And this is what God in me is showing me for us. A dream, like Martin Luther. If he was living now, look at all that has changed for the slave. And I have been a slave for you. But I broke free. Because I am  Gods child too, and I have a free will. And I want all of us together. That is my intention. To work this until it works and until we all understand each other and come into the light of our new day and no longer stay in darkness without each others love. My sisters need a sister like me. I shake it up and keep it real. And shit can’t get buried, cuz I run clean. Keeping the energies moving and bring new in. I carve my way from within you, to show you myself for real, living color, breathing, loving, you, my Mama..

  1. Agape is the term that defines God’s immeasurable, incomparable love for humankind. It is his ongoing, outgoing, self-sacrificing concern for lost and fallen people. God gives this love without condition, unreservedly to those who are undeserving and inferior to himself.

Yep, agape love Mama, in me, from you, back to you! Amazing right? And hard to believe, oh doubting Thomasina. Place your hand in my side, and see if I am not real. Came to your door and hugged and kissed you. Are you saying God can’t use me to love you? Are you saying God would not send me to sip coffee with you? and listen to your heart and try to help you see what is before you? Angels we have entertained unaware. Can not god us your angel? Did God make a devil from a woman that loves God like you do? I may have been sent to hell, but jesus gave me the keys out, and lead me back to your door, filled me with his love, are you unable to look your redeemer in the face and take your salvation? Is God just someone you dream about? or is God real enough to answer your prayer and bring me home? Oh, woman, you know the answer, come to me. Come to me. Come to me. God came to you and you sent God away, but you can chase him, he’s not far, just hanging out at my house. You come? And you will feel it, God here. All who come speak of the peace here that they feel. And that is God.

Come and feel Gods love for you woman, in me. God gave me this love, through you. Let me give it back, lets complete this full circle and stitch it up. Its time.. long time. God is good, even when it looks like all hell breaking loose. Hell has no place in our lives, so hell needed to be broken loose, so our heaven on earth comes. I will take you as you are, but you will not stay the same as you have been after you have tasted my love. Isn’t that how God does it? Well, so do I. Just like my father in the heaven in my heart says too. The heart God made from your flesh, that beats for you too. Despite you. No one can kill what god  has made. Did they truly kill Christ? No, you can’t kill and idea like that. Ideas don’t die, they spread like wild fire. They infect and counter what grows that needs to die. Like good bacteria bring balance to the body that is 90% bacteria and 10% human tissue. they bring the balance. Like salt brings preservation to all that it touches. I am gods child and the salt of the earth. With gods salt in me, spreading it all over Mama, like a good girl.

Well, the bath is getting cold, and I must get out and go do somethings. I am so excited, Mama’s waking up. And I just can’t wait to see her coming down the road with Chelsie Lynn in tow. My homecoming is coming. Mama’s getting what I am saying.. its been hard, my language is different and it takes a set up to help her understand what I truly mean. Like a story line change, I have to do the tear down and set up, and hand each person there new lines, they are blank pages, and they get to decide who they want to be in this new play, I have slammed into my sister and gave her a cold hard look at where she was going. She’s better than what she showed me, but if there is only a little leven, it will spoil the whole cake. And she and I needed to square off, and she needed to know exactly who I am. She did not expect me to be so strong, but is proud as fuck, as soon as her wound heals from me hitting that nose she stuck out without protection. She couldn’t see how much I loved her, and needed me to love her through her ugly. I did. Love is not just flowers and candy, its a mirror for your big sister to look into and recognize her own self and to see the boogers in her own nose and so she can fix that mascara running down her face. I did her a favor. I took that shit and gave it to God. And love her anyway. She saw that, and knew what she must do.

Well, that’s all for now. My arm is tired and I must figure  out how to pay the phone bill and mortgage. Ive put life on hold for Mama. I have spent it all waiting on her. I have given it to God, and God will come through for me. I only tell you so you can see it when it come, you can’t now. But God will take care of me. I glorify God all day loving those that others deem unlovable. That is my mission, and Mamas my first big person to get through too. Once I have her, I will be unstoppable. She should be proud, that I am proud of her. How ever confusing this change has been, I am proud, she opened the door and let me and David in.

Thanks for diving deep with me again.

God Bless

Below is the link to Ravens-Brew, Deadmans Reach. I really like this coffee, yummy as bullet proof coffee.. It is amazons choice! So winner winner coffee dinner, or whatever. Enjoy..

https://www.amazon.com/Ravens-Brew-Whole-Deadmans-12-Ounce/dp/B0041FCF1M/ref=sr_1_2_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1509128147&sr=8-2&keywords=raven%27s+brew+coffee

My Mama’s were raised in another time.

Back in the day when I was born, it was very different than what it is like today for woman and children. And still today, we struggle to hit the mark. Woman have been baring children for years and the world goes around and around. And yet woman, many of whom have made great sacrifices, and gambled for their children well being.

Adoptions touts that they save lives and increase a childs status quo and erases any perceived stains from a childs record, and yet the relinquishment of a child to auction off to the highest most hungry bidder is precisely what is really going down. A manipulation, that is what Adoption is.  Free will. And even though we get a free will pass, we must remember, that at the other end of that free will is the affect on others and ourselves. I speak my truth to break the sound barrier that keeps the minds of society deaf to our voices and our stories.

I was born in a time of war and the sexual revolution. Many children were removed for such behavior as to be wild and free and procreate, and the people procreating did not understand the responsibility that comes with intimacy and a child. We all are learning. My Mama’s did their best with what was available at the time. I get that.

What I talk about is what I see that could make it way better, than another child having to hit the road to protect them from the heat. Because we still get heat. Especially kids like me. I was loud and proud about being adopted and answered countless questions and educated people about what we feel and think all along my way growing up. How can people know something you don’t teach them?

I have been observing the people in my life forever. I have asked for the things I speak of here before, but I was young. They think I forgot, or was maybe just mentally disabled and babbling. Either way, I have needs that have not been met. And one is the need for physical contact with my Mama, and a workable relationship, founded on honest and truth, in love. Like, educational, each learning the other. My Daddy was real keen on learning. She did not see that in him, well, it was there, cuz its in me.

Back in the day you saved face. You just moved on and learned your new lines and practiced them and taught them to your children. My Mama’s life was altered Mam, she carried me for nine months like it was nothing, popped me out and went home to clean the bathroom. That is not exactly, normal. Kind of twisted. Cleaning a dirty bathroom after giving birth to your girl? hmmm?

Well, it was some kind of coping mechanism for sure. She cleaned that mess up in her mind and neatly place it within her heart, incapsulated, in love. As much as she had to give me at the time. And now I just want to show her what I did with that seed? I mean I took her twisted idea of love and ran with it. I have been loving people for years and shine my light on many who are in the dark and need help lighting a situation up. My children are trained to do the same, by my example. They do it like breathing. And are very sensitive like me.

Mama, Hey, many people judge woman who do what you do. There are many schools of thought on Adoption. And I feel it benefits you the Mama of a child touched by adoption to be informed of my stand about it. And that I always stand for you, but don’t always see it like you, or agree. Mutual respect is all I ask. I do not bow to anyone except Christ, God, Source.

I know what you thought back then and now. And I see it. And all we need is one on one time and wine and love to iron it out. Do you hate ironing too? Well, brush up on ironing. I cleaned those dirty windows you were looking through, and you might want to clean you mind up too, it is dirty in here, remember, children leave cells behind, after birth, mine are still inside you. That is why I am under your skin, I always have been.

Trust, God. Would the God you know and serve, send you a demon? The devil my ass. God is all. Victory is always available, but we must believe. Believing Gods promises means practicing his word so that You can see the laws work. Trust this process. You will thank me in the end. I know, it hurts, and is disruptive.

And I see how my conception, birth and relinquishment caused such a disturbance for you. More than you could take at the time. I sincerely apologize. Seems strange apologizing to your Mother for being, but it feels right. But I am here to help you see me differently, but you must lay the old me down and it will only be for a second, and I will be right back to connect on a better plane. We don’t need to meet in secret anymore, and the girls be damned! They do  not own you. You are the Mama of 4 girls. We all matter and they don’t seem to get that? What do  you do? Grab them by the ear and show them? Well, heavens no, they are grown and should get it. But they don’t. Tough one for sure.

I mean they don’t even see your sacrifices, all they can think about is their old status quo. I wonder, do they even consider how it feels when they agree to exclude me from the family events and Mother daughter events as well. I imagine you must have to keep me small not to upset their little play going on and on. And I gladly have accepted that for a time, separation is how it would be for you and me. But I desire to break that policy and reconnect to you. It seems so stingy of them to  agree, that whatever you have told them is true. They don’t know you do they? Oh, when Mama tests… I learned long ago.

I’ll say this. They really don’t want to deal with me without Mama in my life. Mama Jean knows what its like and she kind of tired of it by now and wishes you would step the hell up and be good to the girl you gave her. OK? Many sides here. When you want your family to win, you have to address any and all weak links and discuss them. My family is non responsive, which to me means we are out of date and need to communicate our views and beliefs so we can get to know one another. My family is a bit reclusive and paranoid about me, which tells me they have many fears that they are not even fully aware of. They feel discomfort and think it is me, and yet, it is our Mama, calling me home and sisters that  need to grow the hell up.

You girls got her, 24/7. And Victoria? You don’t even appreciate Mama, like I do. You tell me it is Mama’s fault that you did not go to college, it was your own fault. You did not ask for help to fill out your forms and expected Mama to do it for you. Like hello! You chose another way! Own it. Be proud of it, stand up for yourself. Your time is worth something, don’t just give it away to those who do not see your worth. Liz best be paying you for being her live in Nanny. Seriously, or do what she can to help you. Teach her kids to respect you.

Adoption is confusing for all of us, and the information is not up to date if children like me who are grown now, stand idley by and let child after child slip through the fingers of their Mama’s and into a world without her. Mama’s are needed b their children for their best chance at well being. Relinquishment is an extremely harsh energy for a child to experience. And to grow up knowing that she’s out there somewhere living on without you is crushing to the spirit of every child relinquished.

The times have changed.

So the world must change.

Procrastination never does a thing

What kind of world do we want?

What are we will to work for?

Dorothy Got to Go Home after her nightmare. But that was just a fairytale

I guess the stories we tell each other are just stories. Because I am Dorothy and when God lead me back home, I was not welcomed, not all of me at least. I was not surrounded by uncles and my Mother, like Dorothy was after the tornado. Nope. She only wanted a candy coated version, like Disney I guess, but minus the reunion. But Dorothy went through quite a bit, and her family listened. They wanted to know, and did not run away or block her. They surrounded her with love and wanted to hear. They calmed her anxiety. Wiped her tears and had tears of joy that she returned and was ok after such a storm, that could have killed her.

I guess my Mama writes different stories. She gave her baby away and they lived happily every after, The End. Not. Maybe in her dreams, but not what I experienced. And I know, I am telling the same old story different ways, but that is how many people see it differently. I must explain it so people can picture it, and feel what it was like so we don’t go back there anymore. So we protect children rights to be with their family, the family God sent them too. For balance is important here on earth, even with children. Suffer the children to come unto me. Why does God have to take us up? When God send us to families? To Mothers? God is not demented, we are. WE are the ones with the free wills, and the ones who can say, not my will but thine be done?

There is no yellow brick road back to Mama’s house, with cookies and emotional bandages for my wounds. She can only take care of herself. And fill her home with useless stuff. No walks in nature with her, no weekends away with her, no nurture with her, not even my sisters really get that, much. She lost it, I feel when she gave me away. She just lost it. And I have faith, yes, but my faith is thin these days. My heart hurts these days for a world with Mothers like this and a world that makes it ok.

I have felt the sting of her rebuke at birth, before for that matter. I was there, listening within her. My mind blocked it, but my body remembered and showed it to me. Beyond my own delusions. I have lived a long time without her. Yes, I have. But I guess the child within wanted to try one last time to beat on that dead heart of hers and see if my mama would come back to life.

I am just feeling discouraged. I’ll go to bed and tomorrow I’ll feel better. I wish to forget. Maybe God will erase my mind and body while I sleep so I don’t have to feel it anymore. It would feel so nice to feel special, and happy again. This has really been a downer, looking at her shit on me. I value my reputation and she got me all wrong. I am a good person raised by a stranger she does not know. So how can she get me at all? She has not read about adoptees and there issues, how can she understand like that?

I know one thing she does not take constructive criticism well, but what do you expect from an only child. I am an only child, but Mama Jean did not let me be selfish and taught me to think of others. I have taken it a bit far, trying to do it right to make her proud. But its time for me to let my Mamas shit go. That is lame. And I just want to feel better. Looking at her and how she treats me, is so hard. It is hared to hear how she treats my sisters too. They don’t deserve that. They deserve a Mama full of love, not some control freak who has to have it her way or the highway. I played it her way, I had no choice.

But now it is time for my way, Gods way.

 

My body aches these days. 

My body aches these days. My muscles are sore and it’s hard to do things. But I have struggled to do things for years. It’s just getting to be harder to push myself these days. My body, my machine this spirit lives in is tired. 

And time has become more important. I seem to realize that there is a limit and I do not want to leave things unsaid. Just in case. It has scared me to think of living this world and not having said the hard things to give contrast for the good things to pop. My truth is important so folks can see what being adopted meant to me. An adoptee. 

It has been many things. But as of late I have shred the hard things. Because folks these days seem to only want to hear good with so much bad going on. But if we can not face those demons and look I’m in the eye, how can we change this world for the better? How can we rise above? 

We all have a purpose here. Mine is being adopted, a daughter, a mother, a wife and a friend. I am a preacher, an artist, a chef, a singer, a teacher as well as a learner. I quilted and seeed cloths for my children. I taught children how to sew. I have taught children who are problem kids with hard lives to live. My purpose has encompasse many things. 

It’s like gods prodding me. To speak up. With a hot iron of spirit that makes me yalp my truth. God has squeezed me and I have wept. Seeing the truth of my mother. For I had hoped she wanted me back. I had hope she would see the blessing in me if she knew. My love. My pain being without her. 

I feel my time is set. And lately it feels like it is close. Could be years away. But that is not what I feel. It’s like I tie up loose ends with those I love. And yes. It scares the hell out of me. Guess that’s good. I surely don’t need to take hell with me. 

My post are pointed and straight as I can make them so folks can see straight into my broken heart and the broken heart of god within me. For a world gone mad. That jerks babies around and throw them here and there as if God is mistaken.  I feel gods pain about this. And god wants me to share it with the world to try to get through. Like an arrow sent into the world each child has a mark. And my mark is to bring awareness to bring change. 

My Mama says I need help. Funny. I have needed help my whole life. Thank God for Mama Jean who showed up to help me. It was not easy. My pain of loss was an aweful burden for her to carry. And she did not deserve that. But she took it just the same. God within her showed up. 

She blessed me with her love and care. She made me feel special. Wanted. Accepted. But there was one who did not do that. And that pain haunted me my whole life. And it made me sick and discouraged, not wanting rejection again I became a people pleaser. Not knowing what my pain was. Everyone told me I was fine. I was blessed to have a mommy. But I kept thinking Bout my first mommy. 

It pledged me, the questions without answers. As I watch girls with their Mothers. And how they matched. It hurt me I could not have that too. Why did not my hearts desire matter? To her, my own mommy? I thought surely she made a mistake. Surely she was sorry. But no. She was not. And I wept when I finally swallowed the pill of her truth. I wept so hard as I faced it. What my heart knew but my mind do not want to see and believe. 

For without her there to show me, I made up another story. One where she was eating for me to return. Where we would cry and greive our loss together. But that is not what her story was at all. She saw a mistake each time she looked at me. Her heart closed to god in me. Her heart cold towards the gift god sent to her. 

And my body aches I feel because my own mother thinks such things of her own flesh. And I see that I carry that pain. And I see now that that pain is leaving after telling how I feel and felt all those years. She did not want me to out her. She did not want to know. But I did. I needed to know what my mind had hidden from me so I could heal. 

I want others to heal too. So I write. Time is of the essence. For I know not the hour God will call me. And this report is needed. My words are needed. So I must tell my story howeve tragic it is to hear or twisted it whatever. It’s mine. So I must tell the truth. 

So here it is. On this blog for all to see what I felt and thought. How twisted around I was and am by a thing we call love. 

Thank you for diving deep with me today
God bless you.