About psychecafe

I am an adopted, artist, Mother, a soul, a human, singer, writer, activist. And I am here because we need to change how you see it, adoption that is. For us Adoptees who are in the dark. We are cut off from our families. And that is sad people.

Mama tried to bow up

My Mama tried to bow up and shut me down, and that just does not work for me. Like Mama does not even know, well, now she does, what I’ve been through. And why I am the kind of Person that you talk to about things. My mind wants to know the why, to put all that I have shared to rest. Once and for all.

Like, I guess? She thinks I believe all that? Well? What would she like me to believe? Hearsay? Or Hersay? I surely do not need her riding into my life like some jacked up woman and shouting me down? Educate me. So I can understand and empathize. I feel what she goes through. I feel her heart that’s feeling like I broke it again. But that just not the deal. This is an excavation and an eradication of an old ideal. Mamas got some old ideas that just are in our new beginnings way. They need to be educated out, so what really needs to be can move in. Me. Her daughter.

She thinks she can back me down? By tellin me not to cuss. Or swear? When something hurts, it comes out. And Mamas just so numb, that only I can wake her up. I mean I’ve seen it, when I come to call. She’s all jacked up. And can’t even see her own shit. And the girls don’t want her to see her shit? They like her shit the way it is. Fine. Fine girls. But. Like sisters just not one to be trifled with. I’m like a bull dog. And I’ve got ahold of Mamas heart. She hid that from you all.

And Mama should feel good about me. But she doesn’t? I wonder why? Hmmmm? Why? Could it be that her daughters are not being supportive of that? Could it be? Maybe they just don’t want to share? Our Mama? And I am just done. You all need to recognize. I am Mamas baby girl come home. So move over. Cuz me coming home is a good thing. Cuz Mama needs closure too, she just doesn’t know the way. But I do. Radical, Jesus, turning around. Remember. Jesus was a radical.

And from what I can see? Mama needs some radical Jesus. Radical love. Radical Daughter who’s on fire!! For her. Just her. Because, Ive had stuff. Ive had things. But I’ve not had Mama. Just Mama. Just time with Mama, to spend. Ive saved all my love in my piggy bank heart to spend on her. So fucking move! Yes. Your damn right I am angered at the way you all have been just ignoring me. Wtf. Seriously. Like you all are my kin and look at us. I am the only one talking, working, praying, pining away for Mama.

She wants a happy ending. And Mama will get what she wants. Cuz I want it too. But there’s lots to clear out. There’s lots to clean up. And if I am like my Mama? She doesn’t like a mess! And it time to clean ladies. It’s time to rally for Mama. And it time to be the daughters she hopes we are. All her prayers and look at us? Look. Hey, world, look at us. Like no one like there shit all over the place. And I’ve thrown it all in the worldwide yard. Yep. That’s how I do when folks don’t clean it up. Throw it in the yard so folks are forced to see and change.

Mamas beginning to make sense of what I am doing. Oh yes she is. But she holds her Best cards close. What do you think I am? A very special card mama held so close? You all didn’t even see me. Lol. The jokes on you all, cuz I paid attention. Mama, loves me. She’s just waking up to remember the special card she held so long she almost forgot. But not on my watch. Nope. I am her champion. I am her love child.

And I am batting at lies like Flies on the porch. For Mama. For us. And for Adoptees to see. It’s said in scripture. Be not weary in your well doing. For in due season, ye shall reap. Oh I am working for her well being. And she beginning to see the light of our new day. Yep. mamas a smart cookie. But she was just fed lies. And I’ve got the truth to cure her ill. My love does not back down. My love is a fire and the flame.

So watch out if you don’t check yourselves. You might get burned. When Mamas fully awake and see what you did do and what you did not, for her about me. Yeah. Mamas watching us. And it’s me who’s fessing up. It’s me who telling the truth. It’s me who knocking every lie down for us. So. Yeah. Put that in your little book and smoke it. You can play nice but I play fair. I play tough. I play to win. Mamas heart has a place only I can fill.

I have laid my life down for Mama and did what she wanted. She didn’t think I would or could want her after doing that. Lol. Love overcomes. And comes over. Love is faithful. And telling her the truth is the kindest thing I could do to help her see that I always loved her. No matter where she sent me. No matter what she thought. No matter how long. No matter how old I am. She matters. Always.

You know. Loosing Mama is the toughest thing I went through. You have her. So you don’t even know what it’s like. But one day you will. And Mama won’t be around to talk to or call. And you could learn it now? By heeding my words? And helping us as a unit. I am part of this unit and am teaching you about myself. Your teaching me too. What folks act like when they just don’t get it. Oh I get you. But I don’t have to like it, nor do I have to put up with it. I think 25 years is long enough to wait for folks to come around. Don’t you Mama? Yes.

But like Mama, I’ve got my limit. And it’s now. I will have this. Mama will have a happy ending. My oldest told me her baby sister is dead to her. She upset cuz Chelsie just took and didn’t not share. That’s true. She has not bridged the gap if we are still like this. But what can Children do? What? She gonna be my Mamas age at relinquishment this year. And it time we bridge this damn gap. It’s time to lay it all to rest. But lies must die. And be laid to rest with the truth.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s an unknowing. It’s being unconscious. It’s living a fairytale that’s not ultimately the truth. I am my Mamas truth. And her salvation. I am what will make the world safe for her to be honest. I am the one who has stood in the school yards and fought for her honor. I am the one who’s set folks straight about Mama. And told them all, you wait til I find her. She’s amazing. And she loves me. She does. With tears rolling down my face I faced those who tried to put her down and told them all. Mama loves me.

It’s not easy giving your love child away. It’s a scary place she I and I were. It’s not easy at all. And Mamas paid the price. I’ve paid the price. And you all paid a price too. You can’t even see her broken heart? Wow. You don’t even care about anything except yourselves and what you think Mama wants. Lol. You don’t know Mama at all. But I do. I mesmerized her and am the living being that is her essence. Free spirit. No chains. Bold and righteous.

Like that’s my Mama. She an amazing.

I guess Mama didn’t know

How much of her shit I dealt with, even though she was gone. I guess she did not realize that I fought for her, and stood up for her to people who put her down to me. I guess she thought I would tell her, so she could prove them all wrong.

And I imagine she thinks I am just trying to hurt her? But I know, she is already hurt. I am just pointing to the hurt she has denied. That’s love folks. It’s is love to dress your Mamas wounds. It’s love to turn her around. And it love, that wins in the end. When Mama finally sees what I am doing for us all.

The truth can set us free, if we use it. Mamas got many things to say, and yet can’t find her tongue. It’s all tied up with lies, lies I expose so she may be free. Free to be who she’s always been. Free to start again before it’s over and life is ended. She has the power to bring the change. And I am willing to go there with her and do that.

All Mamas matter. I use my Mama as the illustration for why I speak. I use the lies I have seen that live in her to point out, so we all can learn. Adoption is a road away for God’s blessing. For in the end we all must account for our actions. I have accounted for mine here. The buck stops with me. I will stand up here for Mama and war for her freedom. Freedom she gave away to another. I say so. I have the right, now that I am grown and can speak what I wish to be.

And forgiveness has nothing to do with it except for Mama. She’s got to forgive herself. But we will never forget, But we will learn better. There is no shame if we learn better.

Repentance is to turn around. It’s time to turn around and learn.

I met an adoptive relative yesterday.

And the only reason I title it as I have is because of how it feels when you meet someone for the first time and you don’t see any kind of bond between you. Did paper help me bond to anyone? Or did paper just tie me to a post that has a sign that reads, daughter of so and so. Like a dog. Who am I really?

My adopted Dad, Elmer introduced me to his niece a few years before he passed. Her name is Gert. And I could see that Dad really acted about her and wanted me to care too. Gerts a lot like me. She was abandoned by her Mama when she married a man named snake and went to live with a mountain woman. She’s a loner. And she a maverick. She raises cattle and makes her own way. She’s a month older than my Dad would be if he was still alive.

I’ve gone to see Gert a few times since and before Dads passing trying to connect with her. And it’s not easy, I’ll tell you that. But I’ve done what I could to keep trying and the last time I went to see her she ran me off with a very mean attitude. And I was really hurt by that. Because Dad never let me know her while I grew up. And I don’t know why? But I guess I’m figuring it out, now.

Yesterday, I met her daughter Holly. I’ve heard about Holly from Gert. She did not come to my house to see me. She went to my in laws to buy nuts and happened to see my husband and proceeded to ask for a picture Gert gave to me. Strange. So strange. I was shocked and a bit taken back about it. But who am I to her? Really? Gert brought the picture to me because I have the matching picture taken the same day of my Dad. And I guess I was co fused about it being a gift? I tend to do that, being adopted.

I guess I thought it was a token from her as a family member who cared about me? Guess I was wrong. It’s just so upsetting. I think I am in and find out I am not. That’s how it goes, on and on. And I am tired of all the mixed signals. I am tired of thinking I am family when I am clearly not viewed as such. I watch the family I was adopted live their lives without even a thought about inviting me to family functions other than funeral, where my Voice is useful and not complicated for. Like some puppet they allow to perform for their functions, but not really loved and cared for like a real family member.

My Dad loved me. And I guess he was trying to show me why he never took me around them before his passing. He protected me from his own family because they just didn’t get it. They never wanted to get it and probably never will. I mean that is how it is for Adoptees all over the planet. I read the same kind of stories that I live all day in and day out. Watching and waiting for a sign and seeing none. Folks don’t get it. Not even Mama.

I was thrown into a place where nothing fits or lines up expect with others that have been through the same thing. People just can’t see it, they have never lost what I lost. So how can they even relate? And they don’t. And I show up to do my song and dance and they just take advantage and give nothing in return. Except for maybe Cousin John. Cousin John is kind and caring as he can be about me. He comes to call and talks shop with me, and I love to listen to such a man as he who takes the time to spend on me.

Yesterday’s experiences is just added with the others that have peeked in my broken heart for years. As I watch family just ignore what Dad embraced and loved as his on even though I was not from him. He invested in me what he had. All his love and care, as best he could. He was more than a father to me. He was my friend. And for me? That is a high honor. I miss that man. And yet his spirit lives on within me for what he invested was pure and real.

Being adopted for me is a two edged sword that just keeps cutting and cutting me. I bleed. I heal over and them, someone cuts it open again. I am tired. And I just want my Mama. Like why is that so bad? And why doesn’t Mama see that? Or feel that? What’s my Mamas problem? Like being a Mama is a natural thing? And yet she and I don’t act natural at all? If I can’t fight with Mama and talk about things children talk about to their own Mamas? What’s the deal?

Maybe being aborted would have been better? Why am I hear? To just watch everyone with what they have and not get any at all? It’s like being the dog at the table and smelling the food and not getting any. It’s like listening to everyone else have fun and being tied to a post to have to watch it all. My heart hurts. And it just keeps piling up and putting pressure on my mind that hasn’t found peace about what Mama sent me into.

I ponder and feel that being adopted is much like being God watching everyone just use their free wills without even considering the consequences. I watch people that are family not even care about each other and watch those that are my family not even reach back to me when I reach to them. It’s so upsetting and disturbing. Is that why I am adopted? To witness and not partake? To just walk the earth detached my whole life and not even get to feel what it like to be with family?

Everyone says family is who you chose. Family are the ones that get you? And I wonder. Who the hell are they? And where are they? I know a side to Mama my own sister don’t. I am apart of Mama she hid from sight and buried deep down. And she really appeared to not want to let me out of that living grave. She deemed me dead to her own mind. But I am not dead. I am alive and living, without her. Why is god glorified by a Mama that does this? Why is this Love? Why? Because it sure doesn’t feel like love.

If the scriptures say that if my Mama and Daddy forsake me? God will take me up? Well that sounds like love. God takes me in. Like Mama Jean did. But why does God need to do that? Free will has something to Do with that. For sure. God can knock. Like sending me to Mama. That was God knocking on her heart. But there obviously wasn’t room in Mama Heart Inn, so she didn’t answer the door. And why did God send me back? To look at it again and again as Mama closes God out? What is the Bible good for if Mama doesn’t even practice it with me? What’s the use?

I don’t even think Mama can accept herself being like this. Because she’s hiding. She been hiding from God for years. And when I came back? She was not happy God sent me and blamed it all on me, her child for wanting a second chance to be what I am, her daughter. Raised my another and yet alive and still caring about her. Even though she acts crazy in my eyes, I still keep knocking and knocking others words and deeds to show her blind spot.

When will my own Mama practice and listen to the words of Amazing grace? I once was lost? But now I am found? Mama did not want to be found. So sad to see. Cuz I put my best foot forward. Yes I did. I came back to her with my Love first. I am a 60’s love child. Conceived in passion and some kind of love. Why did Mama want to sleep with my Dad? She was married at the time and yet separated. And she met my Dad and slept with him and I was created from that. Me. The child abandoned.

What is it about me? That makes Mama cringe and pull back? People all say I am the embodiment of my Mama. Those who see her place and then mine report that they are so alike. And yet Mama gets upset when I look around her place and marvel the same thing? It surreal being with Mama and being so like Mama and she can’t even see it or say she sees it? If she were dead it would be different. But she not. She living In Oregon in a house with the same vibe as mine. So amazing and yet I can’t even be happy about it.

These things happen over and over. And I just want to break the cycle. I just want to mend what Mama tore up. I just want to be who I am. Her child. And I want to spend time with her. I don’t really care if we argue for all time, I just feel, at least we are communicating something? At least we care enough to keep trying? Is that so bad? But Mamas to busy teaching Christians to cook to spend her precious time with me. She too busy to take what’s left of her time to spend it on me, the child that’s loved her for my whole life?

Yes. I blew my top. What does it take? What? Please tell me to combination to the lock of my Mamas heart so I can open the door and get out. She’s locked me inside her, I am an infant to her. But I am grown up and want to spend time. Time I can’t get back and don’t want to. Time my own daughter squanders at this very moment. She, Chelsie, lives on like Mama, as if she doesn’t have me as her Mama. And so the sword swings at me again. Cutting at my broken heart, again and again. Being misunderstood when I thought she, would be the one to really get it. But she’s taking what’s mine. She getting the love that I should get. I found Mama and she would t have that love without me or Angela. But she doesn’t want to share. She just took the bag and ran.

That’s how I see it from here. If she wants to show me another side? Please. Do. How can anything change if we don’t talk? How? I am not going to go another day holding this in. It’s just to upsetting. And my anxiety is really bad these days. My heart feels tight. And why go to the doctor? I know why. When will my Mama get why? And when? Will she get in her car and come to me? When? I’ve waited for her forever. Forever. Looking at each face. Looking for her car, her smell and her love.

Thanks for coming by and being a witness.

God bless.

Way to go Ethiopia.

Like America’s spouses to be the most powerful country on planet earth and yet it’s so behind of this basic thing. I am grateful Ethiopia has stepped up to help lead us out of this madness. Bravo for seeing the need of children. Bravo for doing something about it and beginning a conversation America needs to start as well. https://lightofdaystories.com/2017/10/16/ethiopia-moves-to-officially-end-international-adoption/

After you clear the dross

What’s left? After you clear the dross off the top? Dross is the impurities that are in raw metal, like silver. When heat is put to silver and makes it turn back into liquid, dross which is embedded within is released, and floats to the top. The silversmith, the metal worker, skims it off to reveal pure silver.

I’ve had some heat put to me. And all the dross came up. All the impure ideas and thoughts have come up and out of me like dross. And this blog is where I skim it off the top to show, all that was planted within me. Many seeds have grown weeds of thought. Many well meaning people that have spoken their truths to me, have planted seeds within me. And those seeds grew. But they were not my ultimate truth. Those seeds were dross.

Unless heat is put to a life, the dross is hidden. Unless we allow the ultimate fire to boil the silver to it highest point, the dross stays within and the pure silver can not be seen nor formed into beautiful things. Mama’s got dross too. Her thoughts, after heat was applied, came foaming to the top, and I could see. She had some impure thoughts about me. Many of the thoughts Mama has had for years about me. But those thoughts are not me, they are hers about me. Thoughts are things. And thoughts are part of creation. We think about making a sandwich, then we make a sandwich, or not. Thoughts come before. Thoughts are creation.

Mama and I had a lot of thoughts that just did not match. We both have spent time away from each other and there was a lot we heard and felt and thought about what reunion means. Does framing thoughts down stop those thoughts? Does not speaking them make them go away? I think not. For I found many still alive and kicking in Mama, many that she had when I was within her. Time had covered them over, but they were still there.

It’s no fun showing Mama the weeds she thinks are dead. It’s no fun being the vessel that told the nasty truth and showed Mama what she had buried alive. Because thoughts are ideas. And you can’t kill an idea, you must transform it, how? By the washing of the word. My word. My truth. Washes hers. And hers washes mine.

Me and Mama needed to take a long look in the mirror of each other to see. As I have spoken, Mama has read. And Mama was blind. But now she sees. She and I were lost. But now we are found. What shall we do now? Staying lost or going back to sleep is not an option. Once blind and now seeing? We can not go back to what was. She’s got the girls to deal with. She got to get the family ready to receive what has always been a part of them. Me. And I ready myself for them. 25 years of readying.

Our time has come. And I will not stand before God and say, I just could do it, it’s to hard. I will stand faithful and vigilant. I will stand up for this triad and our struggles. I will not back down. And I forge ahead to victory. My dream is unity. My dream is the closure of this gap in our minds that have missing pieces. Our missing pieces are each other. And I feel strongly that as a member of my family that Mama needs to accept Mama Jean as her partner in raising me. And she certainly needs to find the silver lining beyond this dross.

I want to just mention here that I am, a multi level thinker and a multi direction thinker. That means my brain moves in many levels and direction. Adoption gave me that. My mind sorts and researched what it told. I ask questions and prove it disprove a notion. I was labeled ADD when I was young. But Mama Jean would not keep me on Ritalin. Thank God. But my mind thinks in many directions and around and around. It is different. I don’t think like most. But I feel t is a gift. My mind has adapted to the disruption in my story. And I process things differently. I ask questions. I test the answers.

This is what I have done here to Mama. I’ve hit her with questions and barraged her with words to cause her dross to come up to be seen. I woke her up and she really doesn’t like to be woken. But that’s ok. She’ll get used to it. Comfortably numb is a song, and not a way of being for she and I. We have a call on our lives. And Mama, just did not see that one coming. Neither did I. But this story that brewing like the coffee Mama likes to drink is a good one. God has shown me where we are going. I’ve seen our promised land.

And unlike Moses, Mama will partake. She will get in, as I have Air to breath. It will be so. Even though she doesn’t see the promised land god has shown me. I can now

Begin to describe it with words that come from thoughts. It’s freaking beautiful. But it gonna take work. No slackers aloud. So Mamas got to dig deep. For God’s glory is all around us. But we must rid ourselves of this dead weight. That’s confession. Riding ourselves of our old story and confessing our missed marks is part of lightening our load.

Once Mama has had her coffee that I am brewing, she will look into the eyes she once saw for only a moment. Eyes of a child filled with love that she loaned to a woman. Because you can’t really give a child to another. It’s a law that God wrote within each child. But I shared my love with Mama Jean. But she can’t have it all. There’s some that’s only for Mama. I know. I know. But I’ve tested it. And it’s a law. My hearts has love for only Mama. That’s doesn’t mean I don’t love others. It means a special portion is always reserved by nature for the Mama we come from, no matter how Mama is. She can be nice, or mean. We love our Mamas. We may Not like how they act? But we love them.

And what my Mamas did not see was that they share me. Mama tried to be invisible. Lol. But I resurrected her from within. I embody my Mamas essence. I am a walking talking piece of her flesh. Yesterday I was helping a duck in the yard get to the other side to join the others and I swears to you, Mama was there. It freaked me out. And yet comforted me. So surreal when you hear your Mama come out. I was talking to the duck and my voice? Well. I have to record us together so you can see it. It’s so amazing. A blessing a curse these days.

My Mamas are in a love triangle, with me in the middle. And they are just not getting what they do to me by staying the same. I’ve changed. I’ve grown up. And the time for these old fairytales is gone. These two woman are tearing me apart and don’t even see. My heart is torn between them. And I want to stay together and need their help to do so. You know that bible story about the woman fighting over the child? And the king asks who’s the Mama?

And they argue? And them the king threatened to cut the baby in half? And the Mama concedes, and the Kong’s them knows who the Mama is? Yeah. That’s me. God has me on the chopping block and my Mamas are so in their own worlds they made with my life to see how they tear me apart by staying the same.

Why my children have become

Numb I’ll never know. You want Mama back? Get to work and help me. I’ve trained you. You know the mark I seek to hit. You feel it each day when we are off course. Home means all included. mama Jean is family. And we need to get acquainted. Why in the hell would I let this go? There are states of conduct. And rules of engagement. We are engaged and yet act like we are not? This is a slight. My Mama is being held to a higher standard than before. Both of them are being called Higher. But me. The child they claimed to be loving. Would not love demand change for the child’s betterment? And if not? Then love had nothing to do with what they did. Nothing.

From what I see? My Mamas have some answers to give. And they have some work to be done. Because I made them lazy. Mama never had to raise me? Lazy. Mama Jean never had to be without a child. Lazy. I’ve had to be their puppet. But Pinocchio is now real. No strings. And no wood. I am flesh and blood standing In The streets of life calling my Mamas to stand attention. I am doing it in front of you all. Because there was no place for an adopted child to hide. I have had to own this badge I wear called adopted. And own it I have. Many Adoptees hide it. Or try. It’s useless to hide. I flaunt my badge. Why have a badge if you don’t wear it?

But my Mamas seem to

Not like my badge? They want me to Settle down and be normal? Normal? Normal? Lol. Adoptees are not normal. We are extraordinary. We are evolved. So. I’d love to comply, but am unable to do so. Adoption changed me and we can not go back to the way it was. And you lady’s are now going to have to change, like I had to at two days old. And this time? I’ll be the tour guide. And I can assure you I am way better than you two. I’ve learned the lessons. And I’ll teach you what I learned living like this for you both. And I’ll be way better. Oh yeah. Way nicer.

I’ll actually teach you. And I will listen when your upset and confused. I will

Explain things so you can learn as you go. We will Work together. Two only children. Two Mamas who are only Children. I may have been raised an only child. But I am one of ten. The middle child on both sides. So. I am in a good position to see it all. And I have seen quite a bit lately. Most of which is my Mamas and family lala gaging around. Most of what I have seen is stubborn people not see a wave coming and no preparation. I’ve seen my family take me for granted. I’ve seen my sisters on my Mamas side take what’s mine by birth right. My place is not theirs to decide. God Decided long ago and placed me with Mama and you three girls. And Nick, who’s silent as well.

Yep. I am angry. But anger is an energy that is a catalyst. It causes in to move. And now is our time to move and get to what is. Get to being family. As children of God we must graph Mama Jean in. Physically. She’s earned the right by showing up. And I’ve popped you all real hard to prepare you for her kind of logic. Sometimes we must toughen up. You all have been living a lie and have gone soft. It’s time you know the rough life I lived for all of you to live a life without me. I’ve come up to see all of you. And you spurned me. Me? Your sister, your daughter, and for Chelsie, your Mama. Looks at your actions. I kept coming. I kept showing up to do the work. Look at what you have done and said.

I know what I’ve done and said. I recited it here. Sooo. Who’s hiding now? I have come clean. Told the nasty truth. What shall you do? I will, drag you all kicking and screaming, just like the nurse did me. Because Everyone knows who you are now. So whatever I do, is linked to all of you. And if your not with me? Well. You know how it goes. People will talk. What do you want them to say? Or you can just show up and begin doing the right thing. Which is piecing us back together for God’s glory. And go our family tree that has been torn apart by this act.

There must be a new beginning. It’s hard

Changing an old pattern. True. And everyone’s soooo comfortable the way they are. But, when we do not obey the call? What then? Is God’s blessing on us if we fail? What shall we tell when we stand before the king?

  • Lord, my sisters was just to intense.
  • Lord, I tried
  • Lord, I was just to busy
  • Lord, I just did not understand
  • Lord, I had better things to do.
  • Lord, I failed
  • Lord, I didn’t see you there.

What? Is this what you want? Live life to win. Our reunions is a win win for us all. There is much for us to learn of each other. And much to let go of so we can create better. We clear the dross to reveal pure silver. But the heat must do it work. We must submit to the ultimate Smiths process to obtain purification and be made a new.

Thanks for diving deep with me today.

I am praying for us all. It’s time for healing.

Yes. I worry about my Mamas.

As an adoptee, meaning, as a person who’s been raised by someone other than the Mama I came from, I worry about my Mamas. And that, they will never meet. That our triad will never make it to a full circle.

But I am tired of worrying. It’s the time for action. And for my Mamas to see what they both Made. In me. And that they are forever connected now, through me and my children. And that it time to step it up. It time to come to attention. And it time to fall in. Because I have given the order now. I have spoken my will.

Free choice isn’t free. I paid the cost for their choice and now I am calling the debt to be paid back. What debt? The debt I paid so they could both have what they want. It time I get what I want. And from what I have been though? What I ask is way cheaper than what I paid. Way cheaper and within each of their powers to do for me, the child.

Adoptions been put on notice. And I am calling the next shot. And I am processing MY RIGHT. AS THE CHILD WHOS RIGHTS WERE TAKEN FROM ME WHEN I WAS TO YOUNG TO BE ALLOWED TO SAY. i am the child of these two woman, Jean B. Fowler, and Linda Marie Brown. And I am making a legal request that is backed by a child’s birth right. I do this for Stephanie Anne Brumley, my names sake on paper before adoption and for Belinda Jean Arnold, my names sake now. Her needs matter to me. And they matter to God. No matter how I act. Because God’s grace is over it all.

  • Closure, Mama, means to close a gap. And now is the time for that gap to be closed. We do live on a ball that’s shaped like a circle? And my Days gave you a pin that was a circle? And I am part of your circle? So, why is it that you like me invisibly and not visibly? And what are you scared of? I want to know you visibly. Physically. Surely, my blogging has shown you that I have had many feelings about you. And all of it was love, twisted, turned around, dejected, abandoned love. I guess you just didn’t think about that? Read Primal wound.

I know you do t like being told what to do and neither do I. But it’s time to close those gap. And this is the worst of it. I just could no longer hold it in. And it time for you to listen to your heart, not everyone else’s mind about what going on here. There is nothing to fear. The worst is over. And I made it. So, let’s do what we know to do. Because not doing what we know is Best is sin. I still belong with you. You need me. I am the one daughter who’s a straight shooter. I’ve proved it here by telling it all. No shame in truth. Just shame if we continue as the same after truth. This is our 360. To repent is a 360.

There is so much to share and learn. And I know your board. And God saved the Best for last. So, let’s do this closure. Let’s close the gap between us and bring God the glory. Your plenty strong enough. Throw caution to the wind and trust God this time. Now it our time to rise above what once was. Now is our time to glorify God and what God brought back together. It’s time to meet the woman who raised your child. I’ve prepared you. Chelsie’s prepared you. And God certainly prepared you.

If an adopted child grown still has no right to ask her Mama for wha she wants? Then Adoption needs to change.

Xo

Relinquishment cut me deep

It’s hard to brace yourself for your Mama rejecting you. That’s a big pill. And religion relinquishment and separation from her causes a deep cut into the very identity you come from. For me, it totally cut me deep. It cut me in two. I could not forget where I came from because it’s part of my DNA, and yet I could not forget, and yet with a new Mama, I had much to learn and catch up on. Mama Jean and I didn’t have a 9 month meet and greet.

Relinquishment is the energy I was born into. And I grew up unsure of what I could

Hold onto. Would Mama Jean do me the same as Mama? Would Mama Jean see me like Mama? Would she see through all the baby fat and rolls and see the demon my own Mama saw in me? Would she be able to love me? Beyond what Mama saw? And could she hold on to me? Because I wasn’t sure I could hold onto her. I was to scared of being rejected again.

Relinquishment cut very deep into my identity. It shaped my whole world. And Mama Jean had her work cut out for her by the woman who I came from. I now had a whole inside me, that my own Mama cut out and took away. And yet the seeds planted the nine months we shared grew despite her absence. I tried to be like Mama Jean, but my body defied me. It was like Linda, possessed me and I had no choice.

I never knew how strong the DNA was h til we met and I saw who I came from. And it blew me away and totally disrupted what I knew, a fresh and anew. And I felt so guilty. Guilty that I could be like Mama Jean. That I came from a Mama who could do this to me. What kind of Mama could I even be? But Mama Jean had faith in me. Faith I could see growing like a counter seed to my Mamas seeds.

It’s like those seed grew together. Two trees within me inner twined. Mama Jean worked tirelessly to plant good seeds and weed out the bad seeds with her love and commitment to me, the seed that came from another. She put herself in harms way to carve away and cut the poison out of me. That’s huge. For me.

There are many things I don’t understand. But one thing I do is unconditional love. Because Mama Jeans loaded with it. God must have filled her full of it because she like a fountain of love that I drink from. And I know, that that’s God Love in her. She may not know the scriptures and may not quote them, but she expresses God’s love without a word. Her deeds have cut a groove within me. Her love has made me wonder.

Many of her actions have caused my pain to hurt. And she saw that. She saw my hurt and tried again and again and again. I guess that where I get this undying ability to keep trying with my own Mama. I do want her to see what Mama Jean did for her child. And it hurts that Mama fails to respond. She fails to see Mama Jean in me and only sees her mistake.

I know Mama Jean prayed I. Her own way for me. With every step and every deed. She prayed a prayer of works in my life. She worked tirelessly and never backed down. She keeps showing up and giving me her brand of love. And I guess I got used to it. I guess I wanted to share it with Mama. But Mama can’t see. She’s blind to the truth of what she did so long ago and has told herself another story.

Mama Jean helped Mama back in the 60’s. Mama got a hall pass because Mama Jean took me on. And Mama didn’t have to deal with what she made, nor with what God had made within her. And I don’t see that it made Mama stronger. Because she can’t even get me. Denial serves no one. Lies are always found out. And things down in ignorance will always be learned. Mama now knows the affect she had on me. She now knows I never forgot who’s I was and whom I came from.

And relinquishment made a cut deep in my identity. I had to go on without my history and heritage. I struggled to learn the history of my new family while dealing with grief no one wanted to see. We do that. We just paint o er it instead of digging it out and dressing it. That’s all we knew. But we have learned more about identity and the human psyche. And digging deep is what’s needed to ex sponge what once was and turn it into what is.

I kept my two identities separate. I held my DNA patterns within and yet they got out anyway. And many of my actions were dismaying to me. Mama Jean and I are so different and yet the same. We are two people who needed love and yet from two different worlds that met. Mama Jean seemed to have a different brand of faith than Mama. And I was the unwilling at times student. But teach me she did. Her love demanded my attention. Her love covered Mamas cut and helped me go on to grow up.

When God called me home to Mama, I was scared. But I trusted. My body knew it would not be easy. And I would have to hold Mama Jeans hand while I witnessed it all again. It has riveted me and made me cry and wrench with an old pain as I witnessed my family of origins go on as if I wasn’t there. I’ve had to look at what I came from to see what my struggle really was. And Mama Jean did not back off. She did not block me. She has listened to me talk about the other woman in my life for my whole life. Standing in the wings of my play, loving me.

And it was high Time I extradited that. It was time for me to deal with Mama. It’s was time to test Mama Jeans faith out. Would I be strong enough? Yes. Could I face this? Yes. And would Mama Jean still love me? Yes. She did. And yes she does. More so, now because she knows what I did and went through for her as well. I held on back. I clung at times back. And she came through for me and Mama.

A scare remains. To remind me of many things. And so I teach you what I learned and struggle through. Not for pity. Not for fame. But for Love. It’s not easy being adopted. Nor is it easy to adopt someone else’s mistake. Woman speak ill of the children God makes within them and think the child within can’t feel and hear it. And that’s not true. I heard it all and it had a profound affect on me. And Mama Jean, well she was the clean up crew. And she matters very much to me. She’s my rock and my stream.

My story is hard to read. It’s fragmented, misses pierces, and yet is a twisted love story between to woman and a child. Mama Jean may not be where I came from, but she is home at last within me. I’ve thrown out Mamas lies told in her own ignorance, to make more room for Mama JeAn. I will not say I am totally hers. For that is a lie. But I am the child from Linda she made her own.

Thanks for diving at all with me.

God bless.