It broke my heart.

Adoption broke my heart so many ways. How does anyone describe it to a world of now strangers who were kept.

Because Jesus was like me. Misunderstood. A brainiac that spent his young years at a church called something else. Talking with the leaders and working the code with people he knew, people that would eventually kill him.

But we have learned about killing people like Jesus. It just blows them up and make their story go viral. And my family, not much different then Jesus’s family who watched him hang on a cross and did nothing to take him down until after his body was dead. You can’t kill an idea. Jesus infected the planet with that energy. His spirit lives on.

Jesus was learned. Taught by the people who killed him. They did not learn the lessons we are still working on learning here.

I really don’t like waking up crying. But I did wake up crying for us all. And praying for us all. Lord. Thy will be done on earth as it is in my heaven.

If my family doesn’t want to give me this well then ok. Break my heart lord. And send me the children and family I need of these people aren’t it. Cuz I wanna love some people who need love. It’s no fun loving a bunch of people that don’t give a shit about you really and just want you to shut up.

I choose to be grateful for what I have even if it’s not them. I wanted them. But. Well. There you go. I told the truth. And they treated me like they treated you. So am I free? Well we will see as I begin to let them go. I ask that you cut the cords between me and them to the point that I am not affected. Heal the connections and block them from affecting me anymore.

Help me be a better Mama to the family I have. Bless my children. And lord place your protection around me so it doesn’t bother me anymore. They have chosen. And I gave them six of my years I can’t get that back. And I give it as unto you lord. Send me folks that need a person like me in their life and busy me so I can forget those who didn’t even try to understand me.

See me Lord. Please. And heal this pain in my heart today even if it means letting these abusive folks go that I am related to but not really.

Help me Lord make it better for the trillions of children still reeling from their exodus pains. Help me be that lighthouse so they know they aren’t alone.

Lord. Bless Chelsie in her choice to leave me. Give her the life of her dreams without me. And set me free from feeling bad cuz she doesn’t want me anymore.

I am so glad I took the time when she was young to spend as much time as I could with her. Because I did not dream of kissing her. But evidently she did. Bless her for bravely leaving me. Amen.

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