It is amazing. How adoptees are so affected and it goes so deep that we don’t even have the space to remember how many times adoption got in the way. And I’m done being sad or grieved about that because it’s the label my own Mama put on me, it’s that label that got in the way. So. She left me. But she never left me. It’s that’s deep.
And I want my own Mama to see her. In the way. Not like some weirdo that needs to go. But as my shining shield. Her nine month blue print. Made a deep imprint. She’s so oblivious guys. You know that song. Sammy Kershaw sang it. “She don’t know she beautiful, never crossed her mind” Daddy told her. Oh yes he did. Mama never heard that kind of talk. Sweet talk. Arkansas sweet talk Huey style. Wacked that woman out!
And. Grandpa Gerald misses that one. Yep. He was a gruff man. He didn’t praise her. He picked at her, cuz of himself and his lack and caused her to feel lack. How do I know? Look at the poor woman? She struggles to receive criticism from her own daughters. Not just me Mama. All of us. Not cuz Mamas bad. Nope. Cuz Mamas hard on herself. And I know god allowed me to find her to deliver this message.
Welcome to Psyche Cafe. My cafe. Where me and Mama meet in the air to work it out and drink coffee mostly lately together. We cry. And I talk and read her like a book. She is a book I know so well. Tigers never loose their drips really. Especially since I’ve been on the inside of the machine called my Mama. I am a non profit. I don’t get paid to therapy my Mama like no other therapist has even had training to even do. I prove who I am. To her. And take her breath away and inspire her again. And again.
Addicted to her own story and calling it mine. So cute. Addictions can do that when it’s been this long. Oh. But gods grace. Prayed onto my by my Grammies. Oh yes. I for gave you silly woman. It’s ok to be silly and weak knees knowing I love you and am a remnant of them love of my father. all the good stuff. I’ve just reminded you of the bad stuff you held against yourself and definitely defended you did not and told on yourself. Cuz I speak reverse. I know a lie when I hear it.
And you dear woman ain’t gonna lie no more. You ain’t a liar. This mask is gone. I see you Linda Lou. Lindy Sue. Mama. Wake up please. It’s me. SABJ. My heart hurts tonite for us. Let’s make a new book I can read you about us. I am so good at stories.
This blame game is over. Cuz I read you like a riot act. Own it. We got time to spend together. Maybe even speak of such a love and inspiration others. Just call me. I left my number here Mama. Go find it. And call me. It’s ok. We all love you silly woman. 😩 ❤️❤️❤️
Perspectives. Stop making me write this stuff here. You need to write it yourself girl. And sell it with me. This is a book. This is our movie. And we ain’t done yet don’t you give up on me!!! I lived!! I live!! You can touch me. And hold me. Squeeze me if you like. Hold my hand. It’s ok. And natural. You love me and just have lived trying to say you can’t do that. I’m giving you permission to move freely with me.
Whatever it is. I can take it.
I got you. So bad. You swallowed ur hook line and sinker. Daddy prayed for me too Mama. So. Yeah. I’m covered in Jesus’s blood and daddy’s prayers. I found him saved. So I could tell you. So grieve the loss. Cuz. That’s the breaks. We zig. We zag. Life’s a drag. But god was good to give you me. Your little time capsule forever love child who can’t even hate, not for long, I get mad and forgive.
It’s you Mama. You need to forgive yourself for not seeing the potentials. And grandpa Geralds taking responsibility for that. Your beautiful. And worthy of my love damn it. Let it go for god sakes now. Let’s drink that tea. We can use all our tears of joy to make it. And Chelsie, god love her, get us all to drink some damn tea already. She told me and I can not back down! Don’t you see? Goodness. Do my sisters even know how to help me? This family. My goodness. Just a big splintered mess. Yes. All of us. If even anyone’s reading. Madness I come back to.
I traveled to see all y’all. And who do I get? Mama and Vicki acting all crazy? Thanks guys. What a welcome One party!! Shall I add that to my scrapbook? Along with Chelsie? And no wedding pictures? Thanks doll. Back at ya.
Hurts so good.