The moment when you realize what adoptions lovely gps changer really did to you, and how the affect effected affected, everything. like a domino affect effect whatever fect. That one adjustment caused a cascade of adjustments.
And the affects were fine and dandy as I slayed through life oblivious, to my affect now that the affects had in fact taken affect. I saw and I felt so intensely and being denied my own mirror, well made we weird. What else can I call it. How do I know this? I went home to look into my mirror that had also adjusted.
Mama was adjusted too. And now we two natural mirrors appeared warped and skewed to each other. Our rose colored glasses now off, we look each other over, assessing the collateral damage as we gasp for air. After the honey moon phase. Of course. We both had our high hopes. And those hopes did not float folks. But. We did not drown for gods grace.
I did not drown. And I did not let go of Mama and let her drown either. I held her hand has best I could and walked us both through the fires of our disappointments so God could burn that shit off.
I am standing with my Mama on either side saying, “well, that sucked, I think we can do better now can’t we? My kids are really counting on me, and I need you both now. And no all the separate stuff. Can we join forces?
For every affect effect on me, that affect and effect affected and effected my children’s view of family and that’s really what I’d like them to see. I would like my children to see their weirdo Mama coming clean and asking for a change in all our directions, towards one another and not away. We have not tried that approach. Yet.
I’m no saint. Not yet. What is a saint anyway? Why does anyone even want to be a saint? Saint are dead. I’d like to really try living the life I have completely with no more blocks and disconnects.
Others can run.
Others can hide
Others can just not
But I’m not others.
I Be Linda and Jeans girl and I’d like my life to look like that. How? Does a woman do that when that has not been done? No one taught me. I’m just doing it until it’s done.
That’s my mark. Unity. Everything else better step aside. Past wounds. Past pain. Failures. Unforgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t mean it never happened. Shit happens. Things get out of control. I just never lost a dream of my Mamas meeting and loving one another like they were trying to love me. Trying to do right by me and it feeling all left to me. This is me raising my hand in my Mamas classroom, alerting them of the other as elephants in my room, and saying can we just trying it my way? I know it will feel better for us all. Please??!!!!
Two woman at the wheel of your life is to many. I and Jesus should be at my wheel and I should be fully aware of that fact. As we all should. This has felt like me and Jesus trying to pry my Mamas hands off my wheel for six years. And me and Jesus telling my kids, Jesus ain’t giving up on me why should you? Telling them. Yes. I’m a very weirdo Mama, with a temper like an alley cat mixed with a dragon. I’ve been harsh. That was not my intention. Life was a bit harsh to me taking my Mama. It made me very angry and that spilled onto you. Not what I wanted at all.
Two woman raised me. You got one. That’s why you can see and show me all I share here. My three way mirror told me the truth. And my own Mama confirmed it. I’m some kind of freak that got through the cracks and was unleashed on the world to deal with. Lovely. I apologize for that my children. Mama was not fully aware I was such a monster until I had y’all. And then my own Mama put the cherry on top this Sunday called me. Tada!!! Ugh. Humor eludes me.
I guess I am what they call a fuck up. Salvage materials that did a piss pour job at a job two woman trained me in strange ways to do.
Oh. It’s all my fault. I did all of this to me. I had no help. What am I even saying? Babble. Just a weirdo banking on and on to herself evidently. No matter. I’m used to it by now. I just wanted the world to see all of my family support. Thank you for reading about this experiment.
What else is there to say. Blah. There. Business as usual. Doesn’t matter what I say. They won’t listen. And I accept it. Can the world? Well they evidently accept it to. Mothers do things we don’t like. But suck it up sister and just play the quiet game. Cuz god made everything being quiet. Right. Got it.