Rebuild. Better. Said god.

A tower moment, initiated by God who is the highest authority, through me. To describe it, it’s like God takes your by the back of the shirt, hold your up, and begins to shake you like a leaf and everything you’ve been carrying begins to fall out in front of everyone. Which feels like peeing your pants as a child. Humiliating, your body has malfunctioned, the children are shocked and laughing under their breath while your face turns red.

Go knew what I held back and squeezed me like a tube of toothpaste all over my Mamas who are the toothbrushes. It’s hard to find words to tell it and I sound a bit? Far out. I get it. I’ve been dealing with people misunderstanding me for years and just telling me to play quiet.

Well. God knew cuz I told god how it made me feel and prayed and forgave. But it’s weird. All this mud slinging has cleared away a lot that wasn’t mine.

Before I began this blog and during I’ve been sick and tired of holding back my side while my Mamas and world gets what they wanted. I want mine. What is mine? I am asking. My Mamas told me and I complied to their demands of me as a daughter and now they both owe me the same. Yes. Owe me an energy exchange. And my request is very informed and respectful. Something I didn’t vent get I am giving them better then they gave me. The proof of my love and gods love.

God used my words to tear our past down. I could stop it nor, would I even stop and disobey a clear order to step up in front of the world class and speak my truth all humbled and jumbled and watch the worlds idea of me. What a god damn shit show! Wow! God. Always standing by me and my only strength as I view what the world thinks of the idea of me. Holy shit balls. Even my own children. Woe. Hoe. Wtf.

The world struggles to understand me that’s for sure and I work daily to stand and give respect and am denied it’s clear, I’ve got Mama issues. I do live with myself in here and this body is fed up with what y’all think of me. Why don’t you just ask me plain like I know my children know I taught them? They know their Mama tongues.

My kids ain’t happy. I know that. Which makes me unhappy and get to fixing it. Cuz I like happy kids. Makes me happy to see them smile and feel safe to be silly like me. It’s nice to have a homegrown posey of cheerleaders in the world my Mamas took from me. Both of them control freaks. And y’all blaming me for being me. Like thanks guys. I thought my kids knew me? Ugh. Back to square one again. Here I go trying to explain myself. When. Are y’all just gonna accept me like I am with no label? It’s just me here asking you all there can we have some tea already I’m tired of waiting for y’all to just accept me as I am without one plea?

This is our life. That’s our past life. Which way now? It would be nice to pass some time together since we all are related. Just saying it while everyone just goes about some business that’s being shut down by corona right now. Has my family even wondered and me and Mama Jean and Angela and David? Cuz I’m wondering about all of you. I’d say we all are. Cuz Angela’s been all in a dither lately not being able to sleep. And I’m writing to let folks know we are ok. Let’s not miss this boat guys. I am a handful. But so are all of you. And that’s ok. Don’t see me letting anyone else roast you here do you? Nope. It’s my right to speak up and god was the man in red with a pitchfork poking me in the ass calling me out in class. Go on. Tell them. Now. 🔥

Cuz there’s only one god who wears many costumes I should know. everyone’s got Mama issue. Get over it. She’s the best and the worst all wrap in one. And we love it and hate it all at the same time. That is normal. It’s ok to be hot headed and fly off the handle. Hands off please. We use our words to iron it out, no need to hit anyone with an iron when we can and do use words and vibrations to modulate a better frequency. What’s that mean? Harmonizing. My families been out of tune for a while. Mamas been tuning in her closet to our pink telephone harmonic connections and reading here to stay up to date. Does she underwent everything I write? Maybe? She gets what she needs. It’s called brain food for the soul. No chickens killed this time. Thank heaven.

Doesn’t this blog seem like soup? It does to me. And soup is good. All flavors thrown in as one. Pops of flavor in every bite and hot. Sometimes cheesy, chewy, thin, lean, fatty, spicy, umami, rocky when times are lean and we need minerals from the rock and are malnourished. Rock soup is the ticket. Why does it matter if I ramble?

As an artist I am coloring outside the lines. Using music to paint and change the vibrations. I am expressing myself after holding back my artistic expression while watching the world paint right over me what they liked or thought I was. I ask myself if I am experiencing a struggle to feel accepted by my family? How do my children feel? How do my siblings in adoption feel? How can we aid in the struggle for growth? Adoptees have much to say. Like cups overflowing with what the world filled us up with and much of it is sour and sweet. Tragic release. And we must not stop this bleed out of pain because it’s like we are aching for us all. That’s the grander scale of what’s going on at this moment that I see happening on a very cellular deep level.

I am just the Mess Ender. The closer. The surgeon sewing this up. And I walk the world like that for years. My family mirror has shown me what the world painted on me so I could strip myself bare of it and walk naked back into the fold of our Mamas wings. She’s not impressed with what the world has thought about Be, Linda and Jeans girl. Like? Really? I need help when I’ve got two Mamas? Please. I’ve always had me. Always had God as my Intel. If you don’t you just never asked and tested if it was true like me.

So. Lets build better now. recycle reuse this. Let’s show the world how Linda’s clan can recycle like never before. I know we are so eco friendly. Mamas thrifty magnet. Surely this can be recycled. We are all antiques at this point so there’s much value. And I’m willing to put up. That’s why I’m not shutting up. So. Who loyal now?

I’ve lived a lopsided life and would so appreciate living a life congruent with what is. I have two Mamas I would like to sow and time with each of them and have no blocks in communications. Ive been patient. To have 20+ years of an open channel and so much to say, and feel so held back because your Mamas don’t even really see you. They walk in separate dreams of you and at some point you must burst the bubbles. Some children just cut off communication. So I am daring to go boldly where no woman has gone and not backing down until this understood fully.

I surely do not enjoy being blocked by my own Mama and watching my sisters given time me by god do nothing to help either of us. No. I do not enjoy that Chelsie has placed a condition on my behavior, behavior that if I could stop I would dear. There’s a darn good reason Mamas upset sweetie. Go play while Mama deals with her Mama issues and shows you how to deal with me and what I expect I give first.

How do you deal with a liar if you’ve not been forced to lie your whole life while maintaining the truth? Oh please. I know the lies my life of forced lies planted within my own seeds. And I publicly take responsibility for your drug use due to sensitivity to pain from me and our struggle to communicate as your language changed. No shame in our game girl. Vital intel now. You went there and my Mama helped you out. Makes me wonder. Like attracts like and I do believe you helps heal that part of herself that felt like a drug addict for whatever reason. You were the cure.

And I believe you also feel my Mamas pain as you my children all do. I see it. And am not going to ignore it and act like everyone else. We did not come to live like this and when this presents itself we confront it and transmute it and harmonize. That’s what we do. Like I said earlier. My family unit has been missing a note or 5 to the mix. So we must update? Harmonize, tune in, and shift a few gears. To be lazy only makes it take longer and add more pain which my children feel and can’t explain. They act it out. Born actors.

Chelsie is playing a mime right now with her boom box dancing alone in her house she chants to us. We hear ya girl!! 👋👋 you got sissy up all night girl!! And grannies crying again. Ok. Ok. I hear ya girl! Mamas on it. Granny does need to laugh for this number to really resonate. I’ll address her straying from the new notes. On it. Oh. And Victoria and her potty mourn antics in the middle of the crescendo. That girl be trying to rap. Theses band players here 😩🤷‍♀️

Who’s drinking so much? Need to slow down. Don’t numb it. Believe me I know. Embrace the pain. What is it saying? That’s the question here? I’m asking my family to answer for themselves. About me? I’m me. What’s all this? I’m picking it up like I do? And y’all act like I am deaf or something? Here. Listen to this song and know who I am. Cuz darkness is my friend. Mama sent me to darkness and I brought my friend darkness home with me, using my light to draw darkness with me cuz darkness, likes the light. It wants you to see. Darkness wants to be light so bad. But folks don’t see darkness like that. I’m trying to help darkness loose darknesses old bad rap.

Let’s rebuild now. Corona is calling us. Let’s use our free wills on each other. Let’s show father and mother god we learned our lesson that only a virus can teach us. A virus that can drive us home without Mama. And now you all have a taste of my world. Thank you Queen Corona. And the sound of silence and it’s healing power. Forced in by a microbe. Only god could plan that.

psychecafe

I am an Adapted, artist, Mother, a soul, a human, singer, writer, activist, minister and deprogrammer and reprogrammer of minds. And I am here because we need to change how you see it, a lot of things that is. For us Adoptees who have lived in the dark. We were cut off from our families. And that is sad people.

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