With corona virus here? I’m glad I purged early. I did not want to have god find me full of shit. I am expecting Jesus. Always. And my truth was just my old truth wrapped around a woman that didn’t want me. And. I’m just not down with that anymore. Being her dirty little secret was more then enough for me.
And I would not have believed it unless I sAw it myself. Evidently? Gods word tell me to test God and so I did. And god came through for me showing me exactly what is what with my own Mama. And now she’s left with her truth. Cuz her truth is not my truth. Now.
I would stand in front of the world. And I would tell my ugly truth to see my ultimate truth in the end after all that was said and done is passed through my lip and now is with god. Y’all read it. You read my letter to head quarters telling hod how it felt and was. Lay the burden down as it were. Telling my Daddy how it felt growing up labeled in such a way and how the world see the label. As if god doesn’t know already? But that’s not the deal. I had to confess it. To god.
And I did. All of it. Ugly. Beautiful. Hopefully. Hopeless. All of it cuz god knows all the ugly and the beauty already but did I see? Did I learn. Did I transcend? Am I what people say am adopted person is? No. I’m way more than a label.
My mamas decisions is final. why? Because God closed the door on us both and theirs only a curtain left now to see each other through. She wanted me gone. And now she’s got me gone forever with a few years to linger and imagine what if she had no done what she did. That’s on her and not me now. I’ve confessed. Did she?
Well not to me. But that’s not my problem now. Cuz I’m clean. Washed in my own blood to pay tribute to my brother Jesus who already shed blood, but that wasn’t enough. I shared in his death by crucifying myself in front of everyone without even a cross to hang on. This blog is my cross. My label was my crown of thorns.
You know how animals stir before a storm? Well I am an animal that stirred the pot before the storm and got out all that was not of god before the storm hit. I did not wish to go into the new that is ahead with any old baggage at all.
And my Mama was a big passenger that needed to be let off at her own station. I carried her other shoe and now it’s dropped off at the station and can just, fade away. I’ve cared for her feelings long enough. She can talk to god about it now. The loose end it now tied up and my family’s ideas of me can’t tough me now. Cuz I cut off the phone line in my mind and they felt the heat and let me go. Much like touching a hot stove. Forgetting that fire burns she thought she was way above the flames and found out that wasn’t true.
She left a flame thrower out in the world. And the world fueled my flame and told me about her and I simply shared it all with her and owned that I heard all of it. I’ve told her I still love her. Can she love herself now is the question? Or does she now feel naked and alone like me?
Unlike her I’ve not cut her off at the pockets, I just sat her down a minute to fix her own perspective about who she is now to me? Cuz she’s more then who she began being to me now. She did not add the years of zero from her and all from the world to her own story about what’s what on my end.
I stayed balanced in who I am at the end of adoptions day. The world did blow at me and knocked me down a few times but it only made me stronger on my gets ups then before. I accepted all the truths as possibilities and a merely used her as a sounding board to tune into the truth we both felt. She’s now able to see clearer too and it’s not been pretty to look at 57 years later. My truth came out when it came out. There is no telling your body when and where to dump a load of shit. It just happened how it happened.
And she can always reach back out and get real with me so we can have a way more balanced relationship now. But that’s all on her now. And she unlike me is well informed of her choices this time of what each direction will give her. She can stay disconnected. And she will go without a better relationship with me or just have nothing with me at all. She can accept my truth? And realize her own actions affected me. Or she can dig in a continue to be stubborn. She now knows what I think about her actions now and in the past. So she’s seen herself in this mirror. She can, learn? Better? Or stay dumb.
I’ve not denied her or Jesus. And forward I will claim them both. Her story will stand as it is if she chooses to stay blocked off then that her life. I’ve given her 57 years to see it different. I lead her to the water while my truth bathed her. She can stay in the dirty water or get out and dry off. That’s redemption. That’s a turn around. She may feel she can’t. But she can. She’s got to want more then this and needed to see what this was to truly make an informed decision now. Back in 1963? She only had hearsay to base such an important decision about my life. But it is what it is now what. That’s what I am saying. Now what? This?
Or are we gonna truly out that bible text to this test? Are we both going to practice or just me? It’s felt like it’s all on me. And I’ve felt like I got a bad rap cuz of my Dad and also what she thinks about herself? Cuz I’m wide open out in her left field waiting with my mitt up. But I’m not cheap now. She’s got to work too nice shown her my work ethic and standards. I know hers and we meet in the middle or not at all.