I’m praying for your safety. I’m praying for your protection now. I’m here. Loving you so much girl. Sending healthy energy towards you.

You don’t understand me because I made sure you wouldn’t have too. But you do see what this has done to me. I’d apologize? But it was not my idea?

You got your Grandma. Thanks to me. Now you shun your Nana. Which just show me how polar an idea adoption is that it makes my children take sides. that it makes you leave and block your own Mama? While I work daily to have mine back in my life? So weird. You didn’t learn a thing from me did you darling?

I didn’t paint the fence white for you. No. Your life’s not like your friends who were kept by parents who were kept. No. And I feel ya. I do. Do you think I wouldn’t love to forget? And just pretend it all didn’t happen? But thats where you miss it. cuz I have pretended way too long dear. It time for Mama to be real real and tell the world and more just my three club members that don’t even get the club I, invited them into. They heard the truth before anyone else. Included. Not excluded. And now you exclude yourself? Brilliant.

You may think I’ve talked about adoption your whole life but that’s where you missed it. I talked to you all about it to explain my strange behaviors and you all didn’t even realize? How wounded i was? disabled. Disarmed. Disturbed and still trying to be a good citizen and Mama despite my Mama abandoning me. I did not abandon you all.

Kept children don’t appreciate being kept. They don’t know what it really feels like to be black bales by their own Mama they don’t see the dreams of a child taken away. That I chose to date to dream and believe I could do better then my own Mama? And keep y’all. Welcome you all. Embrace y’all. Love y’all despite the whole in my heart. I’ve loved you.

So. I’m praying for your safety now. Claiming our unity despite the way it looks now. I am calling in my blessing and yours. Facing fear with faith. Calling what can not be seen to be seen. Just like the Bible says. Ask. Seek. Knock.

And? You don’t want to help me now? Well that’s on you honey. Cuz I did not leave you. You left me. And you did not even give me the Curtesy of a goodbye? And basically spit in my face. Thanks for the slobber girl. I’ll take that into consideration.

You think you got it bad? And I’m showing you here who’s got it bad twice. K. What’s my Mama doing now? What’s your Mama doing now? Mine blocks and hides. I stand in the street and narrate. So what do I have to hide now? And what’s is my own Mama hiding from? Herself. And her decisions about me. That’s what.

And I’m standing here waiting on you dear to come to those senses I love so much. Waiting on a wing and prayer that you’ll wake up and see me. The broken one that raised you and acted like it was easy. I took the pain baby girl. And I let god make you from this. Evidently god? Thought you could learn something from me. Just like I’m learning from my Mamas choices and decision. I show the world what it added up to and your mad at me for doing the math? Lovely. Just lovely.

Kept. By a woman who was not kept.

A woman who’s standing up and asking now for what is mine by birth right and y’all want me to shut up and sit down? So nice of you to care while I pray. While I cried and you did not see. As I gave you. The precious pieces of me that I kept, the best I could considering what I was denied. I gave you all what I couldn’t give myself and your unhappy cuz I’m speaking up now? Such gratitude. Thanks. Spit on me again. I’m getting used to the rain.

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