I could think up a fairytale for your bedtime enjoyment. Something soothing and yet inspiring. But that’s not the content my Mama gave me to write about. Unbeknownst to her. she gave me this content to write about her and me and Mama Jean. No tea party today!
My mad hatter drinks vodka and wine. And this Alice is the bartender. Mama doesn’t know I was mixing drinks at age 8. Rum and coke. Guess I do take after my dad? And she don’t like him or herself I guess. This green gables girls Mathew and Marilla did not send me to college. They divorced and dropped this ball. My Mama expected better if strangers I guess? I was adopted before strangers danger was a thing.
This humpty dumpty wasn’t an egg, it’s a rock. I did not fall. I got thrown at strangers and gave them a black eye for even thinking this was a good idea. Excuse me for not complying to my Mama wishes of go away. I don’t seem to understand what a cease and desist order is. Excuse me for not complying. Or staying put and have a fabulous time without my Mama. My bad.
I’ve watched all the fairytales Disney wrote from tragic circumstances, making them seem so dreamy and hopeful. I’ve got all the time in the world to write. But the contents just kind of tragic. So sad. To bad. This daughter did not buy in and her Mama bought all in and has no way out. Or so she tells herself. Obviously. But I want my record clear. And public. So folks can see who the loyal one now.
It’s not my fault this body won’t play. It’s not my fault I did not get this game at all that my Mama played with my life. Tearing my heart out and wounding my mind. Excuse me for being so pointed and sharp. but I’m not who anyone thinks I am. And I’m not bad. But I can see the bad and do see a route out. And my family needs to put down the family drama book and listen to me while I point it out and tear it down and rebuild it better.
How will we tell the adoption story once all the adult adoptees get through telling what really happened? I am coining the words here. Holocaust. Cruel. Dumb. A societal nightmare we as a whole created. How will we see mental health when trillions of children were taken from their mothers and caused a mental health dilemma. What will we say when we all see we fucked ourselves when we turned a blind eye to this woman who’s sounding her Alarm at long last warning the world the end of this will come.
What side will you be on this time America? Confederate? Or yankee? Slave nation still. As we still sell babies on a block for our own pleasure of knowing we have that power and not seeing it will bite us in the ass. Adoption. Just another snake in this garden if Eden. Lead astray she did not eat of the fruit, she gave it away. And tried to call it dead. but this fruit grew and had apples of her own. And she trained them to never stray from the truth they saw in their own Mama tree. My children came unsee their Mama clearly not ok and trying to act like I was.
My own daughter told on me. To my own Mama. Did my Mama care about me? No. She cares about herself. She did not want to see the proof in the pudding of me. Trying to smooth a wound in my own child she caused in me. Insane. The only reason my daughter exercises her rights is because I made sure she knew, I’d love her always. No matter what she did. I might not like it? But my love would never fail. Because I wanted her always. Because I kept her. Because I raised her to know her worth and value stems from me and that I would not waver in one inch of my love for her. Come hell, high water, and even delusional Mothers, I would always love her.
And you know what? She took it to the bank and tested my love. Stretched me like a rubber and and twisted me into a pretzel. why? Well I feel one reason why is, to show my own Mama what love looks like. I’m out in the street of the world fighting for love. Her love. Because she came from me I will not give up on myself and what god created from me is. Good.
Who I was created from is good. And all this is what it looks like when you tear it down in your mind and set it all straight. I’ve not been alone. Even though it looked like it. And I face the fears. They are at the top. I call them out. Is this a fairytale in the making? Probably. Mine sounds like a few mixed together. Some Snow White. Some Cinderella. Some Mulan. Some beauty and the beast. Lots of Pinocchio. And even lady and the tramp. And 101 Dalmatians. All tragic. All fairytales with happy endings. Mixed with a lot of drama. And we watch it. Over and over. Do we see ourselves there in the madness? Trying to turn the story around? Do we see this? Or do we give up? Are we lazy?
You are watching me write my way out of a really bad story and into the heron of this sad story. But I’m already the heron. That’s the kick. Your all caught up in the story and the tragedy that I already went through. You don’t see me using my tragedy to change your mind about your own story. You don’t see me crying for you. Watching folks be so stuck. And I have to live her with y’all? Stuck like chuck. Saying things like it will never change and then wondering why you got what you just ordered?
What am I ordering if not your mind? Cuz if I trigger you that means you got a trigger. I know how to use my triggers to see others triggers. if someone doesn’t have a trigger then they don’t get triggered. If I can trigger you you have a regret which means you have a gun. What’s in that fun you got there Mama? Why you putting up walls of protections against me? Or is it me that’s made you now fear for your own life? Again? Just like in the 60’s. Will you stand this time with me? There’s no need to run this time. Cuz now you know. Without a shadow of a god damn doubt you are loved by at least this peace of yourself? And she don’t give up.
I’m reeling mama in and using her own fears to reel with. Any Adoptee can take anything I’ve said and use it to also do the same for their Mamas. But hopefully my story will take hold and begin to go around. Soon. This is a lot of ground work I am doing right here with my own Mama as the example Mama. We are the success story. And will have healed all wounds at closure if the class in mental surgery acting Doctor. Me. Trained by THE PHYSICIAN. All Glory be to God. Blessed Be. Amen.
I go to the depth of a soul to set them free says god. Any man or woman who follows me is a winner. I could write a book. And sell it to you. Maybe some would read? But no. This is my blood spilled on this page for you to now drink. O negative blood. The kind that can go to anyone. That’s me. My temple. Sacrificed for this knowledge I speak here for all to read. if you want to drink some blood then drink this dragons blood for I walked the world labeled an abandoned child, I came to prove you all wrong. I am Linda Marie Browns daughter who she has lived as long as she can remember. A precious artifact of her essence raised by a Stranger. In a world that dared to talk about her behind her back to me thinking I would not tell her on them.
The next time I darken her door she will embrace me and welcome me home. And my sister will gladly greet me because they now know that I’ve always known the value of of family and they just needed reminding of it. Little refresher course. Online cuz we are cool like that. Progressive. Open to all to learn about what Linda Made and what happened to her precious seedling baby girl. All grown up and a holy terror to any liar. Setting people free of the demons by calling them damn things out. Front and center. Looking them right in the face saying, you said what👽 say it again to my face. And watching them crumble right at my feet. That’s some Jesus power right there that I own.
I don’t know what your doing with your life. But I’m bringing life to very one I see fears in. And calling those demons to attention and feedin their damn asses with some truth. So they shut up and calm down. No. We are not there. But we do need to remember to look at a map of it all now and then. Not just our hometowns. There’s a big picture here. What are we made of dirt? What’s the part of us that leaves? And then the body dies? What’s that? We don’t know? Or we refuse to claim? That’s god is within and we ain’t lettin god work? Jesus take the wheel means we are driving with our bodies and aren’t truly connected. If fear is rampant? I I think fear is right now. Toilet paper and hand sanitizers and that’s how we fight germs? Silly.
I claim health. And health claims me back. Y’all think I’m crazy? All I’m doing is writing words calling all. And my families blocked off. They chose to block me off. Which shows they are blocked from me. Why? Truth. They can’t stand with me cuz they ain’t walking in truth. They can’t take my truth and think I can’t take theirs. I took your truth. All day. 57 years. Is that the truth you really want. Cuz you are getting what you are ordering. Is it really what you want? Blocked off? Is that who you all are? No show of hands? We can’t see them because they ain’t here.
I am testing this family idea thing right now am I not? who’s family? And if my family is not my family after all I’ve been through then your not on solid ground either? Cuz yours can just run off on you too? It’s a standard. Your seeing it right here. People. Will let you down and not be there for you including and especially in my case, your family. So. Who do I trust now? Who do you even trust if I can’t even trust your own Mama to be there for you and reaches out to do all she can to help me when You finally ask for help at 50?
Stuck. In leave mode. Go. Get help. It’s not me. I am an oven for buns. I’m not your mother anymore. Your sister is a chicken shit, I will repeat that one. I like it. The taste of truth is delicious. I am starving for it. Thank you. Good bye. I cant eat a lot my tummy’s small from lack of truth bombs to fill me up and keep me salty. I’ll get fat. please keep blogging I’ll eat them there. While I cry behind the closed doors like always and hide. Leave. No. Come back again. I like how that feels seeing you. Now go. Come back. Thank you. The fear had me. The car had me. Thank you for praying for me. I am safe. I’m scared. Life crazy now. Phil’s gone. I feel alone. I don’t want to die alone.
Talk to me Belinda. Talk me down. Please. God talk me down. Mental health is key. And it’s weeping mamas finishing floor of all remnants of yesterday’s cuts. Each day. Sweeping them away. Filed in gods circular file. Called out. Tagged. and filed. She’s got a few. And this crazy blog is getting through like someone told me it wouldn’t. Wouldn’t just tells me that’s my mark. Do the impossible girl. You are possible. I’m possible. I am an idea that’s possible. I am the train that did. She want a train that could. She was a train that did get over the mountain. I think I can and so I do. And so I am possible. This is possible.
As the world watches me clean the clock and the slate and write it better all at once. Just like a tornado that out it all back in place after tearing it al up. Way better then a tornado I’d say. More like a coding genius. Recording and filing the mind. Time and time again. Reset. Mama reset. Reset. This Mamas tweaking her Mamas mind. and tweaking everyone’s else cus I’m tapping at the roots. You tap the roots? And the whole tree feels it. Bingo bango. You want change? Go to the roots. Look at your Mama and she will tell you where to tap if you pay attention. She told me what to do. She showed me what to do.
Don’t look at me like I am crazy. Ask yourself why you didn’t see until I showed you? Ask yourself why you can’t think like me? You got kept. That’s why. Yeah. So is it bad or is it good yet? people get all the belief in the way. It’s like this. No. It’s like this. No. Mine. No mine. Tug of war. When we all got sides we see. And we all got mouths to talk and eat. What’s the war? If not change. Our members war with our members as we grow which puts a new spin on growth and war that needs to be studied more.
I’ve had to confront a lot of beliefs here to even get my Mama to see some of the things I am writing here. She couldn’t see for the trees? Red tape. Lies. Language issues. We had to learn how to communicate again. Adoption cut us off physically we had things our body’s had been denied, that’s needed to happened. The natural progression was stunted due to adoption and when we made first contact the natural profession resumed. We began to go through all the stages we missed. I watched it. Thank god I am educated about the stages of childhood development enough to recognize it happening. Our brains began to change with the change my return caused. And my Mama did not like it but I could not explain it at the time as I was going through it too. We were both triggered. By each other.
And my love and the love of my children we unraveling they person she thought she was for so long. As my children’s embraces haunted her the whole way home after our first touch after 30 years. Mama lost it then. And needs to remember I’ve got it in safe keeping. Always. She’s safe to be who she is and drop the mask. Wall. Whatever it’s called. She could have shown up in a grocery bag and hair all a mess my children would have took her out back to play. She did her hair. I could tell. And her suit was new. She looked so beautiful as she walked in that place I lived. Our humble abode at the time was not much to look at. But she sure spruce it up when she walked in in a Green suit. Stylish. Yet very cautious. But my children settled that down and gave her ease.
My children, all running up screaming Gramma. Hugging her legs and smiling. All ready to receive. But was Linda Marie ready for this kind of preparedness, such an arsenal of love bombing on her? Was she ready? Yet? 30 years and her gift now bares her gifts at the door when she walks in. God proving her wrong. And her. Trying to say she doesn’t love this surprise. With my net of love all ready. I caught her so off guard and then scared the suit out of her. That’s sounds about like love to me. A match. Made from my heaven. As Mama lived and breathed in Gods sweet refrain in person showing her she was not so wrong after all.
My Mama like power tools. Don’t let her fool you. And this power tool of a daughter, she’s enjoying how I work. kinda? Like her with a twist of lime. Hold the gin. This ones got my moonshine. It gets all the secrets out toot sweet.