I mean she gave away a baby? A little helpless rat looking thing that cries loudly and made people take me back to her for one more goodbye kiss. That’s kind of weird she would think I’d lost my touch?
Just know that Mama. I wanted you. It’s not my fault you blocked my cries meaning. I gave a another chance to change your mind. And then I let ya go. I could have kept on crying. Those nurse were born dumb. They knew exactly what I was saying. You on the other hand had some mental blocker. But your body knew.
You fought hard Mama. I’ll give ya that. I came back to tell you that you were not sorry. And all this here? Is mine. You done got to beat yourself up about this. It’s just what happened. I knew. You told yourself I did not not someone did. And 57 years later I am translating myself to you. Telling you what I said. And what my cry meant.
No. I did not want you to go. That’s not what I felt was best at the time because it felt all wrong. I felt it bit felt wrong. It’s felt like pain. It felt like you being yanked in my brain. I was just part of you. And found out I was no longer part of you in a snap. Too that packed a wallop. That’s mine. You can’t carry that. It’s just what happened to me. It’s the affect I live with from that one decision you made for me. And so I am different. If you can’t accept that after I accepted your resignation on my birthday? Well what is up with that?
I imagine. It’s weird seeing my daddy mixed in with you walking into your door unannounced? That’s would be shocking since I was a baby? And then a woman with long hair to a woman with short hair so you could really get a good look at me. You looked like you were seeing a ghost Mama. You looked shock and triggered as hell. So triggered you triggers my sister who came over. Like wow. Sleeping dogs lie don’t they? And then they wake up with a bang.
Walking talking Huey and Linda girl taking her Mama by storm. Come hell or high water she will be way better then the postman’s daughter. Or the milk mans daughter. bartenders deliver. One delivered me into this world via my Mama. A little hot damn herself. My new daddy’s was a bar owner. That’s funny. So many things Mama was trying to avoid and yet I still? Ended up a once bartenders daughter. And then a rice farmers daughter. He did upgrade at some point. I don’t think Mama even thought he had progressed? I don’t think she even thought if you ask me.
It’s almost like someone else did the thinking in this one. Maybe it was Papa Gerald? Did he help her give me away? Grandma Roush said she did not want me to go and was sad about it. I guess there was nothing to be done? Maybe it was all Mamas idea? And they just could not talk sense into here? I do wonder what was going on in her mind at the time? I mean it’s a drastic decision with lasting affects. Did she really know all she thought she knew about what she got herself into? Who coached her? Who guided her at such a vulnerable time in a woman’s life?
I mean who was there? Did she go it alone? Did the family shun here? What went on? I did cause the stir? Why should I not know the affects? They did already happen and it all landed us here? So why not just tell all to me? Why hide? I mean I am loyal. I’ve come Home and stayed. Even if you try to say I don’t. Y’all made me leave. Do you really want to see me that triggered? Or is this a little less intense? Yeah. I thought so. Your welcome.
Public announcements are best. It’s like clearing the air all together. Like a very intense storm that brushes everything that needs to go so better can take its place. Like that. Excuse me for thinking my Mamas a good thing to pray to find again. Call me crazy. Whatever. Y’all would do the same if you were me. And if not? Shame on you. Not me.
To a girl who’s lived a fairytale life. Plain old Linda will do just fine. Linda who gave birth to Stephanie was given back as Be Linda. Lol. Gods funny. Stephanie didn’t have a chance up against be Linda Jean. Evidently. But she’s still in here just the same. All mixed in. Like everything else in my life. Some kind of adoption salad or something. All mixed together. And people fail to see it all and I am tired of keeping score and having to remind people of who is who and what’s on first?
I’d like to just be my Mamas girl raised by another and call it a day. I’d like to be privately unadopted. And just go about being me. Enough with the labels already. Adoption states that labor business along with my Mamas. I did not. I found who I came from. And that needs to count. I found home base. Adoption took it and told my Mama it was ok I’m old enough to say it’s not ok now. And I am. Now. Saying it was not ok.
What ya gonna do now adoption? A dissatisfied customer blogging all the feedback you though it would just nest the world after you denied me my own Mama. You fucked with the wrong Mamas girl this time. I’m taking it all back in writing and it’s all my fine print denied at birth you missed. Cuz I know my rights. And that knowledge is my power to overcome this.
From a baby to a woman in 26 years and now I am 57. Mamas watched me grow up. I saved it for her eyes to see. Who she gave birth to wasn’t a mistake.