I stole my Mamas heart.
And gave it to a stranger.
But never let her really unwrap it.
Because it was so tender a seedling
I had to protect it
While it gained back her strength in the care of another.
She did not seem impressed by my treasure?
Her children had stolen hers so how could she even know?
That’s they were all around her tell me what to do?
To show her they never left she left them?
She did not need more pieces of her.
She needed a piece of Linda Marie’s.
To look at herself?
Packed in a neat little package
Called a baby.
She would peer into the mirror Linda Marie gave her to find herself one day clamoring back at her? And sounding insane?
For she did not like the way I spoke to her
And could not see she had loaded this gun with words of hers to be spit out over and over.
While she kept hitting her head wanting it to stop? Linda’s daughter saw. And still loved her while she was trying to figure out what was the matter with me? I was fine. I just wasn’t gonna take no shit that wasn’t mine. so I spoke to her like she spoke to me. Where else did I learn it? And then have to unlearn it. She loaded it.
And yet? I love her. Will she ever really see? Linda Marie loving her through me? Or does Linda need to appear? Is she suspended between reality that she’s even real? And is a friend who was the one person praying her through it all? Was Linda praying for Jean while praying for me?
My gut tells me yes. She was. So this is no typical reunion here. these woman have gone through some shit together about me. And I tell the real story. All of the garbage left on the film room floor. I’m not cutting it out to make it more presentable. I’m presenting it just the same. No editing the madness this love brings. Cuz I decided to love them both. And they can get me upset!
Does everyone just want to act like they don’t hate their Mamas actions sometimes? we say. I hate you. But we mean is. We hate your actions! It’s what I call below the belt. The person actions are separate from them and are learned and preprogrammed to set standees according to the last family member who overcame something and so on. We evolve.
When you mirror to someone their own words and actions it is quite a shock. It feels like being roasted and it is. Making one aware of their actions is key to good relating. My Mama Mirrors to me. our last visit. She said I will not apologize. Or say I am wrong. To that I said. You will eat those words. And like it. Pretty straight forward.
Let’s break it down to take all the undertones people have learned over the years. She saw no need to apologize. I disagreed. Basically telling her. You just did. How did it feel? Code. And then? Went on my Mary way after a full confession. She verified I hit all the buttons. My work was done but she hadn’t felt it het? But big sissy did while she bowed her head in silent prayers.
She let me leave without her kiss for I was no Judas. Nor was she. She saw Mama in me that day and it shock her. While me and Mama just did a trianglisation of truth. she needed the hit to get herself loose. Mama didn’t want to leave her like that? It took us both three times to knock the pattern loose. Get sissy out of the old book of yesterday’s story while we all are sitting at the table arguing? Calling your sister unwelcome?
I know y’all be having a hard time welcoming someone you haven’t even grieved about yet? You all lost a sister and no one told you? That’s a loss? Still a loss we all must face to go forward dears. Y’all lost this badass. And god lead me back to you all? Not just Mama? She knows I’ve learned somethings. And that you all learned somethings too. And we should be sharing our lives fully with one another. So I’ve kicked it off with a bang. And a few tower moments to say goodbye to the old so we can welcome this new that’s old.
We all lost. Even Mama Jean lost. We face it. We accept it. And all our stories too. Leave nothing out. Accept it all. Then. As we accept a loss we realize their room now for more? Kind of like a big poop before you eat? Except in the mind space and heart space where griefs whether conscious or unconscious remain until faced. We call it a healing and I am walking you through what it really looks like if you see it in your mind? A change in mind. Due to learning something that changes how you see it.
Mama changed my mind and yet my body didn’t always agree with my mind. What I’d been told did not sit well with my body. What’s that mean? The mind was over riding my natural longing towards home and family. My body fought like hell to get me free. My brain learned what my body was naturally saying? And I began to listen to my body. And praying for gods help.
Said another way. My transplant. Adoption. Was not taking. My body rejected it. While my mind had to stay for safety reason and survival. Does that make sense? It does to me. My body always feels better after I visit Mama. Even if we fight. No matter. I feel better for the contact with her and take gladly what she gives me. I am starving by now for her attention that’s seems to be very clear here for someone that has eyes to see. Denial. It’s traumatizing all.
Why we could just come together once’s and see how it feels? Seems like the only logical route we as a family have not taken? And this time including Mama Jean? Realizing no one perfect. And practicing that Christianity love thing a bit. I do believe it’s been long enough like this. It’s time to move on. The only condition is you must choose to love me back and reconnect yourself physically to me now. That’s the step away from this grief I am asking you all to make at this time.
We all. Cut the old off. It take us all. Are you all willing? To do this for God? For our Mamas? Daddy’s? To make a difference in this world? Can we do that? Be the Bible story folks read and they all come back together? Can folks see that? From us? And we all own we some how stayed in course and yet got off course some how to the main fact. What’s love? Pretty all day? Or no makeup and sweats? Can we be ourselves and still love one another more then before?
Seems like we all probably have some good reasons to show what we are made of beyond the river of denial. Will anyone try to go back now?
I do have the right to address my family as I see fit. To help us heal as quick as we can considering it’s been so long they’ve been wounded thinking it’s ok. Numb to a pain. It was me but it’s wasn’t me. You lost me. That was the pain connected to me. And we don’t need to let this go on. Fears done enough for us. Let’s walk in our faith now. Faith that god did bring us together. Again. And now that we know. It will be better.