What a weight for a little heart to carry all those years? Life, god, my Mamas and the world for that matter, tested my patience. For sure. And I’m just not gonna candy coat or for y’all. Cuz I got that shit ball raw too. It did not leave a good taste in my mouth even though everyone wanted me to like it?
I ask. Is the tongue a part of this machine or not? Well? Do we listen to the tongue when it’s wanting the sweetness of life cuz right now its tasting sour as hell? but we Feed the body sweet and deny the mind? Ever think about that?
We do what was done. Time and again. Well I’m stopping that train here for my family and facing it all. Right in front of them so they can watch and see how I do it. Who knows right? Anyone? Someone right is your left?
It’s like this. Mama went away. Pulling her energy far from me. Children are never not a part of their Mamas psyche. The mind body and spirit are fused. It’s in the design of us. Gods design was for us to stay close and learn. But Mama chose an upgrade for me. I figured she did not send me to be stupid but to learn whatever I could. And I did. And have shared all of the loveliness with her. Much? She did not feel was lovely. I agree.
And for lack of anyone who could see and understand what I was going through? I just had to hold it in. Like a fart. But 50’s long of a fart that stylings to hug he heaven. Why? Because much of what I learned just did not assimilate. and I did not digest what was not true to me or my Mama. You could say that’s sad? And be all boo hoo 😩. Or you can see nature just doing what nature does which is teach us all a lesson about anatomy’s and physiology. About feelings and emotions. About the bond of a child to her Mama. And how strong a bond she experienced growing up away from her own Mama.
You wanna y’all about shake rattle and roll. My body did it. That’s one of my reactions to denial. My body the Petrie dish for this experiment on the bodies resilience to denial. And how the body over rides any system that denies it what it needs. Like auto pilot. My mind got the message loud and clear. Follow me and pay attention when I speak. With all the voices in ones head. The still small voice is the voice of the body. You know? The one we don’t pay attention too when it’s tired and run ourselves into the ground? Yeah. That body that needs Mama and home? Yeah. That’s one. Mine was denied what the kept ones got to keep. So that makes me real different even if I’m the same.
Being denied something that’s so precious to you? Takes a toll people. On the soul that Longs to be reunited with all its members. We four girls make up Mamas soul. Soul mates you can call us. I see it? I have no idea why you don’t? Or appear not to? I’m drawn to all of you. Like a magnet I can’t turn off. And y’all act like it’s just fine? I do under stand that. No. So I’ve been trying to help y’all to see it from my viewpoint. Which ain’t easy?
Cuz I’ve got know doctors to really help me? Most the rust I’ve worked with did not even delve into adoption trauma as a cause for my issues? So I faced them myself. I’ve not gotten me done other then what I’ve given myself. Vitamins. Rest. Medical marijuana when my emotions go off. Cigarettes for nerves.
My mind sees it all coming. My body feels it all coming. They work together to tell me what to do. And what to cover with prayer is everything. My life is a constant conversation with God, my body, my mind. God my higher self has been talking to me for years. God doesn’t just speak to me through words alone. God speaks to me with feelings. Go. Stay. Give. Take. Right. Left. Left. Right. And I am content like this. God has always told me good. And god alerts me to my body. And helps me clear my mind of ideas that fly in the window that simply are not mine.
Like a little birdie said. I’ll feed it. And then release it. It’s just tells me that someone is thinking about me. And Mama is thinking about me a lot these days. My ears are ringing.
To say that I am done debuting my body is an understatement. It’s time for my body to really get pampered. I’ve come a long way baby. This is not Kansas Dorothy. And I’m on the yellow brick road right now. Headed to see Oz. I call her Mama. And my little dog Max’s too. I just need my ruby slippers? Where did they go? These pink flip flops will have to do. I call these forever more my ruby slippers. Amen.
Toto. Maximo. Would like to meet his granny. She’s gonna love him so much. He’s the cherry on top of Mamas reunion cake and well worth the wait. She’s been holding back a damn of love that’s I stole away for this rainy day. Damned he right up. Until I called it. Then the gates open and all gonna drink so you know what was missing was me. My grand entrance. She’s helped me plan all along. Playing cool. When she’s going half wild inside. Just wanting that prayer to get it’s answer.
Have you girls checked y’all’s holy email lately? Maybe check the spam file? Or trash bin? Maybe God stopped emailing y’all cuz you stopped email god? Like I know Mama showed you all? Because certainly? I got my email messages? And you were right there under her nose and didn’t even get them? Or checked with god about Mama? Is that how it is? Lordy I pray not. Amen.
Cuz she’s ever in my mind body and spirit honeys. No doubts there. And I don’t hide it like most do. So I seem a bit bold to you? Yes. I am. Bold. And boldly talk about both my Mamas cuz I got two now. You just got one and one on the way. You ain’t earned her yet. Nope. She’s special. She’s not really got a filter. She’s raw. And tells the truth as she sees it. And it takes folks a back. I won’t lie. But she’s lovable. She’s kind most days. She’s is dealing with Linda’s child here. Let’s all own that right now? Linda ain’t easy. And I don’t know how my Daddy did it but he gave me to her whether she likes it or not? Hoping all along that she would learn to love his gift as well as like her. I feel he would want that.
But I’m ready to move on if everyone’s questions have been answered about what’s up with me? Well that’s what’s up. What’s up with you all? I’ve told the truth. And it’s set me free. And I’d like to star over we all fucked it up. And needed to see where the story line is going. So we can all rehearse our new lines for our new life story to begin.
26 years after reunion. How it all comes together. Right in schedule but a little behind. 🥰