And they do. Feel overwhelmed. A lot. Why you ask? Because their Mama was overwhelmed many times when they were growing up. Acting squirrelly and yet trying to find an even keel. Or appear even keel. What’s even keel again?
Even keel and I have not been the best of friends. Although I do love her. Even keel. Overwhelment. Distress they call it? Now they tell me the name of it? I have been tracking theses feelings looking for words to describe it forever. Thank you internet. God. Knowledge.
I saw the pattern in them. So I knew it was in me. How to reprogram it and included everyone? That’s was my question. I’m gonna try to get to the root of this. Come hell, or high water. If it’s me fine. If it’s everyone well that’s great. It’s means we can change DNA. The body and kind and spirit can over ride patterns. Patterns my children have watch me be in. Like a holding pattern? And then to see it in yourself. That’s what I’ve been praying ahead for. The realization that your Moms dna is in you? Your infected with god knows what? Or so it feels. Then. God. Starts showing you how.
In yourself. I’ve been working on me. Right here. Right now. Hit the sucker so hard I made his vision get blurry. I’m to lean for this. I’m to clean for this. Figured it would happen so I brought my team for this. Yeah. All day. All night. I worked on myself. With gods help. Showing me how to turn the haters into lovers of themselves too. Just loving little old you. Accept yourself. Linda. Bees telling ya too. And you know what they say? Or at least me. She Be Linda for sure. Like a hell cat with angle wings swooping down on a trout in a drought. And pulling that trout to safety. A whole new pond.
That’s a silly metaphor. But that’s me. This is heavy shit my Mamas carries around about me. I ain’t messin about. This may sound crazy. But that’s the thing. Who’s healed? Without their child? Their parents? Their Mother. Who’s healed? Show me someone that’s over their own Mama? There is no one who can say that?
So the questions is why must adoptees be concerned about stones of ignorance thrown at them? words said out of ignorance? It’s like ignoring a whole species or society? We are a nation in size now? And yet no one really knows how we feel? That’s kind of fucked up right there. I’m not gonna mince the words here. Really?
It’s pandemic. Way more them corona virus 19. I personally have seen some ignorance about basic bodily mechanics for years. For me? It is intolerable. My children even know. The basics. Drilled into their brains by me. Their sovereign.
So many of us? We are taking over the world? Abandoned humans by whom? Society. Who, by the way, knows not much of a thing about the subject! Definitely not cocktail chatter for a party indeed it will clear a room of all ignorance, toot sweet! My children know without a shadow of a doubt how I feel about them. Any doubts came from someone else. Not me. Who? Planters doubts in my families mind I ask?! Me? By acting so crazy cuz I just could stand to see ya all like this anymore? Cuz I came home to stay? And everyone was just to busy? To share with me? Their sister? Wow.
I certainly do not wish this story to be anyone’s. Least if all me. There’s always time to change the approach. Face the demons. What else does one do? Run? Hide? Block? You know what you are doing? Own it? And ask yourself why? I know why I blog about my Mama. Do you know why you read it yet?
This places is my mental labraeth. Misspelled. I hate looking up spelling words? But this place is a place. My shame cave where I tend the wounds of our family. And I fiercely protect this space I’ve invited you into. My world of Mamas. Why I am who I am is because of them. Not one or the other. Both. And this place is where I am doing this turning around to help you turn around yourself. It’s helps me too. It would be so nice to live in a world that’s interested in our journey. Why do people turn away? I feel we need to go there.
What keeps people going down this path? Lack of what? For me the answer is truth. Mine and my siblings in adoption. Our intel changes the whole game.
Does no one take pride in their work? What’s is your work? I know mine. I never forgot or got lost? I took some crazy turns? True. Made some amazing babies. Who grew up to be infinitely amazing as well as good looking. They are all very good looking. My girls are exotic. Their eyes. So amazing.
But I am no slacker. If I’m going back? It to get something we need. That’s a fact. Cuz someone dropped it. We need it. Retrieve it. Mama and me have had some loose ends that definitely needed tying up. And we’ve been doing just that. The best way to pioneers can do forging a new frontier for other adoptees to do the same. And get free.
So our family can be free of all this whatever that’s keeping us all stuck blaming what? Ourselves for being so dumb to not come together? And now it’s on public record?🙀 that’s the kicker in the pants right there? I am definitely a professional when it comes to a union I never left. Mama lost her mind after me. She lost the part that was me. I was still there. Just all mangled in a heap in the back of her brain. Scrambled. Like eggs. Yeah. Guys. She needs this. When are ya gonna listen to this sister?
I don’t wanna fight with you all? But I will! I’ve earned this twice over twice! And like it or lump it. It’s a public record. Go big. To go home. Got it? I’m not to be ignored. These woman are not to be ignored. This is going down in real time history. Did you think Mama gave birth to a dumb dumb? Is that what you think she is? This are questions I must ask repeatedly until answered. By all y’all.
Did you think I was gonna fold up? Which little homeys pulling the trigger now? Who da nigga now? Who’s the dummy? Not me. Nope. I see all sides. But I’ve been asking. Knocking. Y’all go to church up there? Huh? I don’t know Mama? What’s with that? I’ll keep praying and blogging. Maybe something will rattle loose?
Yeah. It’s overwhelming. Watching this all go down like this? But clean ups take time and effort. And lots of prayers while we all go through the clean up process and process it all. It’s like I feel the whole family’s emotions. Yet they tell me
Nothing. So I just blog. Thinking. And writing the thoughts down. maybe someone can make sense of it? I thought my Mama could help me? It’s overwhelming that she doesn’t. Very. Very. Upsetting. To go through and unresolved. Working to resolve it and feeling so alone. Ugh. Now that vulnerable.