So you relinquished.

You gave your gift away.

Yeah. I feel ya. Truly. I do.

Now what? Is there a road to take now or are you now cut off at the pass over.

Or? Does god have the new plan?

Am I the one of the new Moses? Can I lead you to freedom? Well? If I can’t lead you then no one can.

Buts it’s gonna take some real honesty to clean all this off.

If my story triggers you? Then you got triggered a long time ago and I am just touching all the places in you connected to my words.

I am unearthing all those trapped feelings wrapped around what was said to in fact set us all free cuz I’m not just doing this for my own health but the health of the nation I belong to now, and I am going for humanity as well.

We all need to know where this goes. And we all need to be more supportive of woman who conceive. I am the help you needed a long time ago coming in like a voice from this wilderness speaking of freedom coming to you.

First. Forgive yourself. You didn’t realize. I get that.

Cry it out. Go on. Let the tears fall and grieve for yourself and your child so they won’t have to be the help when they find you. Be ready to revive that gift. Gods not gonna let you down.

Cuz all we want is that warm embrace of yours that only you can give. And if your all caught up in some story that’s not them you won’t be able to receive our love and you’ll push them away like my Mama pushes on me.

This is the turn around agent at this dead end standing her blah blah blah directing this traffic jam of mamas stuck thinking it’s over. It’s not over ladies. Gods bringing the gifts home to you.

They will be different. They will act different and you did that. Own it. And work to find the blessing. Don’t let the past and what was said get in the way of your blessing.

This blog is a lighthouse to shed light so you the Mama who relinquished can work it out and read all we hear while your away. For me, I’m here to prove it’s all wrong and some was right.

I’m here plowing our ground and planting some good seed while I pull all the weeds so we all can see who’s who. Adoptions not a this or that for me. It’s about exclusiveness. Not excluding. I’ve felt exclusion. It’s doesn’t feel good.

I stand here with both Mamas. Telling all my truth of what I saw and felt while cut off from my other Mama. While she prayed ya through, Hailing a Mary cab asking god to get us all home ok. Hope. She floats. Faith. She’s alive inside of us all here in adoptions world and it’s time we unpack and maybe spruce things up around here so we all can feel a bit more comfortable.

I know Mamas. Your wounded. But I’m not an enemy. I am the help. I did my time. I payed attention. I paid my dues. I read the books. And I’m writing it way bette them this. Join me. I’m a friend.

I’m the voice of your child crying in the wilderness wandering for you. Take heart. We love you. And love is the most powerful energy that’s here. We. Will prevail.

We cleaning up this mess. And we need you to help and not lament about the past. We are at the crossroads of change for the children of the future and you Mamas got the juice to help when we unite.

It’s not gonna be easy.

But let me ask you this.

Has it been easy without your child? Is it gonna be worse? Are you ready to work to open that gift now that you denied yourself so long by believing they were a curse?

The question is. Can we conceive a new beginning and take all this shit we went through to put it on the garden of our lives? And see a harvest that adoption diverted?

I know. You may feel you just can’t. But you can. Yes. Your strong and we kids are stronger now. We won’t let you down. At least not me. I’m sticking my neck out here for you. Again. But now I am an adult so. I’ll be fine. It’s you I’m coming for.

My siblings are waiting and watching for a sign this way will work. And my Mama will not let you down because she knows you all need her to step up and show her that god is bringing us home and it’s a blessing that comes to you now, the curse was to deny a woman her gift.

My Mama won’t let you down. She will show you this way is the way we heal. I have faith. So faint not. Do the working. As we get it all out of the way to our new promised land.

Mama loves to cook. This woman reminds me of her when she’s not all jacked up. So here. This is like my Mama.

Therapists are traumatized by our stories.

I have an imagination that true. And a flare for the dramatic this life has afforded me all of the content. I don’t need to steal anyone’s story. Mine is my own. Your is yours. Each has its value.

But therapists get triggered. Like one of my twitter friends sister in adoption posted. She had to report her therapist. Like therapist get triggered. Especially people who are also marginalized with us adoptees in our paradigm including A parents and bio Parents. All get triggered. And we naturally being very adept at a system we grew up with realize and are didn’t the words to express it to our peers and parents and the world.

Cuz adoptions touching everyone at this point. Go on add it up if you must. Times two in everything. That’s an affect. Adoption affect? Or adaption affect and lesson, we the children the subjects of the test in love resilience.

I know I passed and stand before the world holding hands with my two Mama. Shy. They are. But I make up for it and stand in until the right time. Now that I break it down down break it down down da down down down. I don’t back down I break it down and you just realize theirs no blocking what’s yours. Just cuz you gave me to Mama Jean? Don’t mean she owns me. You read me loud and clear. I am my own. So are my kids there own and we are similar and associates but not all quite the same. But they are my tribe until and after I die. My closest tribe. And beyond the world tribe. Also mine. I fit and stand out. There. How do like that one? I just accept it and rolled with it.

I was born to step out of line. Queens don’t stand in lines honey. They standing in line to see us. Cuz we got the juice.

My Mama is welcome to come and go as she please as well with no concerns as to what she says to Mama Jean. She’s heard it all. She’s trained. I trained her and it warm easy she still has he glitches. But she solid. She ain’t Mama. But she’s her own. Too.

And therapist? They can’t go where I am going? Can’t even get here. One therapist gave me EMDR? I’m

Not sure it was for me? I wasn’t triggered. She was and wanted me to repeat it so she could calm down. I felt fine. I left and felt fine after getting away from her? She talked over the top of me? Chelsie didn’t like her either but she could say why. She may have tried. Weird woman that one who secretary is autistic. I must be autistic cus she seemed fine to me? a little weird but aren’t we all a little strange?

My story has had an affect on my therapist with Their jaws hanging open as I unravel it all. I usually leave they can’t take it and neither can I help them without getting paid. It’s all backwards for me. I tell them. Pay them. And end up therapying them? Makes no sense for me to do that. I know my own triggers as well as I know my Mamas buttons and how and when to push them and why. did you think I was dumb at basic human mechanics 101? That’s funny. I do get under estimated a lot.

But she didn’t report that therapist to get them in trouble. The therapist was in trouble getting triggered in therapy is for the one getting help? Not the one getting paid. Thank god the woman who reported was educated enough to realize this it could have scared her progress.

That’s why I don’t charge. I’d you want to help me live and survive them do so. If you feel moved to do so. But I’m here to be the help. I’ve paid my dues not yours. Mine will be different according to my life work then yours. But my Mama is part of my reward for a job done well. That’s why I am work work work work working on my shit.

Mamas that are grounded in their own truth and the truth as a whole laugh at their kids. What’s mine doing? No one knows. And they ain’t telling me? Does that sound right? It’s may sounds similar to you but is that what we shoot for? No. I didn’t think so. Love does take two or three. If god is a we. And I’m pretty sure god is a we if there’s three or more gods around her we can speak of? Gods all and all is god. So. That’s changes everything once you accept that.

Why would Mama want me to even go see her with my sisters such a mess? It’s not all me? I’m it’s the scape goat. Goat indeed. Took all the shit Mama could fix straight to gods throne room and ask for the keys from Jesus himself.

I told god I’m angry. God said why? I said my Mama ain’t working right. That’s why. God said I know dear. I know. And she’s connected to you too, which makes it so hard. But I’ll help you.

This is a journaling blog I’m not going to punctuate a stream of consciousness for you. Figure it out. You can and will learn something new without all the boundaries you can feel like me. What do she say? What did she mean? She did not punctuate that? Is it this or that? What? Oh me or my I’d like to stab my eyes out right low. Welcome. To my world dears. As Mama laughs at what I just said and see my turning around facing it all off for her. Her twister of words writer daughter. Who’s wicked with a thumb. 🤣💯💋

Oh Mama. Thinking I’d just let the girls abandon you like this. Yes. Abandon. They don’t mean to Mama. They just ain’t trained to love you like I do. You see. Grief is a funny friend. But once you just let her in and wash you over with the reality of it all like a blanket of living remembrance. she held me inside a bubble of love. For you. I just never lost it. It’s my skin. Filled with your dna that wraps me close and keeps me safe. Thank you Mama. Thank you.

Can you see me now?

I’m training the girls too Mama. Be proud. Stand tall. Who’s got you now? Is a warrior for the love of Mama on a planet that can’t see what’s what with you and me? Don’t cry. Or do. It’s up to you now to let that gorgeous hair down. Let it fall. And flow. How gorgeous. You are. Stop trying to make me hate you. I won’t!! I can’t. 😩

Gods not gonna let me hate you. So stop hating yourself and denying yourself of this reward. Gift. Gods says I am a gift and my sisters need to see that some gifts ain’t perfume and candy. They are lesson Mama taught one of her daughters that the others could even seem to stand? It could have been anyone of you. Lizzy Boo. I got you too precious woman I proudly call sister. Who Mama couldn’t teach her what I teach you now. Get ready. He will come home and on my word of honor, in front of our Mama, you will be ready and healed back together. I am your sister! I Be Linda!! Can you see me now?

Is my adoption costume gone yet? What a god damn label? It’s like shrink wrap to get off😩🤷‍♀️what they hell?

When an adopted person goes into therapy. If is for grief. That’s how we need to ask for help. We are our children’s parents denied access to them and must process the grief of that first or nothing will work. Fact. I am the case and point. For success in reunion one must be honest and it would be helpful to have some kind of mediator to help break it all down for understanding and learning of lessons so healing can truly happen. And it’s a family affair. All must be involved. All have in fact been affected in very foundational ways. The return of an adoptive child to her original family will begin the process after first contact.

Everyone will begin to change. They all will feel mind fucked and confused. it will feel foreign and abusive as nature take her original course and reroutes everyone as we learn all the lesson of adoption. Growth of a unit. Growth of a family. We are way more then my sisters anticipated. And more then Mama prepared for. But I am helping everyone prepare for reality to really sit in when I ever come to visit again. And we will act way better then. I’m sure of it. And Mamas gotten out of my way and sat the hell down and drank a cocktail and prayed like hell as her Hail Mary Prayers answers get delivered to her in style. Right on time.

Publicly recalibration the harmony of our units frequency remotely online through a blog with words. Just like god. Who taught me how. I’ve been tuned in for years. I am a blue Eagle. Rhythm is my thing baby. Everything’s a vibration. and I know it. I’m just now telling you I always knew it. It’s a gift. I’m tuning my family up, publicly because I know the power of words. If I trigger you? Well. Welcome. I’ll help that. Don’t leave? Do you really want that gun anymore now? Do you?

Sure. It’s kind of peaceful in the dark? The place of unknowing something where we dream of it. I’ve been there. I used to sit inside my closet as a child. I did this a lot after the divorce of my A parents. who did I talk to as a child? Mama? And God. Gods always there. I included Mama in my prayers. And asked that I be included in hers. So that I could track where she was at. At all times. Day and night. Night times are rough for Mama. She can’t sleep. And nothing helps her. She reads and a few other things. Prescribed. For sleep.

How do I know this? My daughter. A Leo. Granddaughter of a Virgo who’s blocked at the moment. This place is my open gateway out of that hell hole of a past life. And I am trained to read every sign. I don talk about it I just do it. I don’t expect everyone to get that about me cuz I don’t appear to appear to be that? I assure you I am. I’ve seen Mamas night in my own daughter while god shows me through Mamas veil.

She ain’t got no connections like I’ve got with god if she can’t see that shit happening up in my life? Oh yes. God tells me on you Linda Marie. And where you’re at with me? You’re wild and feral and how I like um! Do disconnected with that essence that’s in me talking back to you. Can’t fool and fool. Your match. Time three baby. We all love you and want you happy. I’m just your mouthy one speaking up for the crowd you divided with lies. We inside your lines. The troops? Silently with me. All aligned up to address you.

We like her! She’s honest and refreshing Mama. We wanna see more of her in you Mama. We love her. In you Mama. Bring her home in you Mama. We love you both. And always will Mama. Black sheep’s have wool and that shits worth money. 🤣

Skin me alive! No. Seriously folks I am a joker for sure and very dry indeed. A bit of a pusher is the envelops of minds and hearts to truly boil it down in my caldron of doom, to dish it up as the last eat soup for the soup. No chickens needed. No chickens invited. The jokes on you. Whatever I triggered triggers it in you. Ask yourself? Why do I have a trigger? What’s a trigger for? A gun😩 who do we wish to shoot and why? What? Are we trying to kill? Is it inside? A thought? A belief?! A wound? A misconception? Needing redirection? Yeah. I’m that girl if your asking me?

So what!

I’m here. And y’all asked for it everyone.

And not one. But two woman backed this bitch up. So suck it up soldier. Mamas granting me permission aboard and to move freely about her cabin as I please. thank you for stepping aside so she could finally let me in? Thank you. For worrying about Mama but you could have simply prayed and been in on all this business? To bad.

Make yourself comfortable.

If you can?

Below are what my siblings says and back me the hell up on firing therapist that are stupid. Stupid. You read that right. Stupid. Ignorant. Educated. And dumb about us. Thanks guys!

I’ll do it myself no one seen you see what we see so let me show you.

When I was young I was bipolar. For sure. But I have no diagnoses. I’ve put it all together with the words Mama Jean used to describe my manic and depressive episodes.

She’s say, “ she’s either high as a kite or down in the dumps” my paraphrase. Up. Or down. Much like a cycle. Thank you Victoria for so kindly pointing it out. I am aware. Are you dear sister? That’s you didn’t even care and chose to do like Mama and bully me into compliance? Trying to cram all the emotions is not healthy. You’d know that if I was around more. But Mama.

She’s got it too. Look at the house. Proof. Of her manic episodes all around. But she was thrifty about it. I’ve diagnosed us all backwards. The families loaded.

When I was diagnosed bipolar, I was low on the spectrum. Good for me. I’d been working on it. Chelsie’s got it too. Facing the dark emotions with someone who cares is key. I faced them with myself. Right here. In public.

Up down. Up down. Up down. Sound familiar? Victoria? And I’m going on for a kill. Yes. And I’m not giving up. Yes. Cuz Mama needs my help to bleed it out too. Why else would I go public? Duh? She stuffed me so deep only me can dig me out and unravel all the emotions surround my passing. Cuz I died but still live.

Mamas been stuck in the in between ever since I returned. Alive. Dead. Alive. Dead. What do I do now lord? That right there. Am I real? Am I just a phase? Does she see me? Does she hate me? I hate myself cuz this. Ain’t love. It’s pain from the denial of love. And y’all want me to just leave her alone? That’s sickness right there.

I am the enemy of the ignorance you all live in after my passing. Gone. But I was there. Always. Like a ghost haunting my own Mama. Loving her. But could she receive if she didn’t even love herself? Well? That’s what we are solving for. Love. always wins. when we faint not in our well doing. We reap. Knowledge is the power to release Mama from her own hell. And I am the postman on her beat.

Mama jean has her manic episodes too. No diagnoses. But I’ve learned what to look for I went to get help. Help. That no one could see I needed from a wound received at birth. No one went there. Cuz no one was trained to even see where there was with me.

Bipolar to me means vacillating between emotions. it means running from them due to not even know what to do about a trigger. You get triggered and then you medicate or shop to work it out but facing it is not addressed. How does anyone face it when they haven’t learned what it. Is?

So when I saw I am the help I say it with the full confidence of my own training to back that up. Facing my own feelings about my ghost Mama was key and this blog is my proof of recovering what I lost a long time ago. Adoption. A confusing concept that sounds like, looks like, a child is just being moved but people don’t realize what all that moving does to the child’s whole being.

People don’t see that we all are connected to our Mama whether we stay or not. And. My Mama has lived as if nothing was happened when something very important happened that needed to be faced by us all. We face the decisions. I face the outcome of those decisions made by my own Mama and report my findings of a lifetime. I’m loaded with findings as I’ve observed my own behavior my whole life and worked on myself in front of my own children. Struggled in front of my own children. Changed it in front of my own children and educated them while I educated myself. They. Can call me out because they know what to call out thanks to me.

There Mamas not ignorant, she’s work work work working on my shit as Iggy sings.

Listen to this. See me.

Your gonna love me Mama. Cuz I know you do.

So. Daddy. He did not play cuz he did not want to pay and the dealer sent him stepping and said there. What bag? My sisters got my bag. I’ll show you son of a bitch and train your ass! To eat grass!

Mama don’t play. She’s a high roller.

You want it? You got it until you what? Don’t bust a move. We want the bacon pig. But if we can’t slice it up to eat then you just perpetrating. Step aside please. I don’t care we made a baby! She will be fine! Once I’ve eldest with your ass. With my prayers.

He avoided nothing. She knew I’d deliver his final blows with prayers my Mamas prayers. Ca pow.

She play for keeps or not at all! Get to stepping mister. You messed with the wrong woman this time. I’m the proof.

They needed shredding and new perspective. Government is now pharaoh. Coronas the new plague. Duh? Round and round and we don’t live on a time line that’s straight we are dna stands wrapped around a time line we placed there like a pole that our planets clings too. How will we reck our progress??

We keep records. Do we think god doesn’t know what’s in them on a collective level? My goodness. How can we be so dumb and not twins or is this place a twin? Trying to bring its twin in to bring balance? Can we conceive?! A multiplication of this planet? Yet we divide all of us into others? Or do we? You tell me what you think about these things I type here? I’d like to know what’s going on. Cuz I see it without being trained not too. I did not go to schools, god trained me why didn’t you ask that? Don’t hate me cuz your dumb? Who better then Mother Earth to teach a child who choose to remember who’s who’s around here.

This place screams Mother. Go outside walk and pick an apple or an orange. She made it for you. Anyone that says different is not going to make it. Cuz they don’t even know what’s what who’s who’s here. If your without? Well maybe talk to Mama now? Maybe you got time all cooped up running from a microbe. 🤣🤣🤣

Who’s the boss now?

Life does not stop during these strange times – though the perspective is surely changing. With the world shifting each day, I am able to see more …

A Personal Invitation to Healing In A Time of Pandemic

What’s a healing if not the name of a full circle. Tying up loose ends. We grow up and do the better we now we can be doing with a little push from Who?!Mother Nature.