Ok. So the Bible says I am a gift. Right?
Bible says I am a reward. Right?
So. These things being true.
How can I even go see, have a relationship with, cultivate love, if my Mama is blocked and still holds her truth, that I am a curse?
That’s two opposite energies right there.
And if she sees me like a curse? Still? Then she’s blocking her own blessing. It’s not me? I know. I am a gift and a reward.
Which means she’s cursing her own gift. And cursing her own reward. Does that even sound right at all? No. That’s what I am doing here.
Trying to turn her stiff neck that’s style looking at curses to look at the blessings. But the curses are much louder. Why? Because she fed them. She did not feel the truth. But fed a lie. And reads the Bible daily. Daily. Searching. For what?
And maybe some way out of the curses land she created and added me into. But I. Am not there in that curses up mess. I am here using those activities she reads and searches to bring her her own answer. From her own flesh comes the answer. Over and over again.
But where is she? In curseville. Evidently? stuck? Lost all her money for a far to get out? Earring on me to pick her up and take her home cuz she ain’t fit to drive no more? You name it. She’s not here. With me. So she ain’t with me there except to argue with me about. What is between us is her own curse she could easily take back? Yep.
Press the easy button girl. I’d like to change my order God? I’d like a blessing now. Please I’ve learned enough about cursing your work. Yes Lord. I’ve learned my lesson. I’d like to see the blessing you gave me now that I gave away. Thank you Lord. I am so grateful you love me enough to chase me down like this and help me.
I am humbled by your love and care for me and that it’s taken 80+ years to get to me. Thank you for sending me this gift of your love coming through my own daughter to me now. I see it lord. Thank you for restoring my sight to see what a blessing really looks like after you throw it away.
And god says, You’re welcome my dear. I thought you would never mention it! I’m ecstatic you like her and love her! And that. Parents!! All included. Can be your own moment to humble and remember that no matter what your children do to you, you gave them the right to do it. So accept the gifts of sight they give you when your eyes have become dull from waiting for a blessing you forgot that you cursed with your own words and change it. Why does anyone call their children a cursing? I am no curse. My children are my blessing. God blessed me three times over infinitely with my children who are strong minded citizen of a planet, not just a nation. And they serve daily. They just do it. Cuz that’s what we did while they were growing up and their friends were being lazy.
This Mama ain’t messing. It’s about everyone. Not just me. But I am key. If you can’t love your Mama them you missed the whole point of grace and forgiveness. Lord have mercy. My children have been serving since birth. Love. Smiles. Laughs. Medicine. To my soul. Always. It’s natural. Nature. It’s doesn’t matter what they do! I won’t curse it!
Do drugs. I won’t curse it. No that’s not you. But now you know don’t you. I’m glad you are ok. I knew you would make it. I was praying. Yes. That was rough baby. But I never left you. You left me.
Have I really left my Mama? Or did she leave me first? It appears? She left me first. Which would mean that the ball is in her court. She’s seems to not realize her words have power and that in praying to claim a blessing and claiming forgiveness for call the blessing a curse she can in fact have her blessing still?
And don’t people do that? Ask and then take it back? Why do we do this? Seems we like it? That would be self sabotage? Right?
And by my actions here each day I show that I was the left one who wishes to go home. Trying to let her feel what it’s like to be me and also her because she’s denied herself her own blessing. That’s like stabbing yourself everyday for years and years. I would coin this as being called in the self denial category of self abuse.
Which would mean adoption is the abuse teacher who lead my Mama astray. Society at the time lead my Mama astray and away from her duty to receive her reward. Yes. that is society’s affect on her and our unit. My Mama Jean did not abandon my Mama in her hour of need but instead showed up and paid half for my ticket. And is standing by her right now by standing beside me. That’s power and love at work.
And my mama is now denying herself in front of the world. Don’t tell me god ain’t talking honey. I know when gods talking to us all.
We’ve hung out in the shadows long enough. Our union must be seen in the threeD. Our union is the work of our faith together. My Mamas and I. In union for love sake. Visible for all to see. Or not like it is now. While the world trolls by and watches me trying to get you to make the next move. Trying to get you to now do the next right thing and not left. No one left anyone. Really. I’ve always been around. And you know it.
There’s no reason to act like it ain’t like that now. I would pray through hell to make sure you felt me. Do you think I can’t pray and ask god to do that and that god would push me away? Testify. What are ya waiting for? Is god real or not? Is this love or not? Do you feel me all around? Beyond your own feelings of lacking? I feel you? And us both pulling this together. It’s just bound to happen. How could adoption even know what a reunion looks like? This ain’t McDonalds! We do want more then some happy meal don’t we😩
The adoption life I had to live was a bullshit life. Torn up and hanging. Every man or woman for herself. What’s constant about that? People trying to love you? When you were loved already and now she’s all tore up too. Thanks guys. Great one! Go team humanity. 😩
I’d like to foster. And help kids get home. Help Mamas do better and Daddy’s to pay for what they enjoyed and created! This whole idea the way it is now ain’t working in the big picture sense. It’s madness. Like tearing pages out of the Bible and then wondering what it said? All the books together produce the full picture. That is logical. But folks got their feelings. About who right. Or wrong and it ain’t about wrong except that we also need left. And we’ve been leaving a lot out due to edits. Church’s. Are edits.
This one don’t like that one. Instead of working harder to understand the scriptures are written in the language of love. That changes all the meanings so far when you look through a lens of love. You still see the hate. But you can transform it cuz your operating in love. But I can go there. To bring someone out of Hateville. Denying themselves. Taking all their excuses and dumping them on the public lawn. Saying what next? I think I’ve covered enough?
Have I uncovered a lot hidden? Yes. How? Well. Let’s talk about love. Covering a multitude of sins or missed marks. Arrows. I picked up along the way that Mama missed. So I could shoot them again evidently? So what I have uncovered to show what was covered by what? Love. How does anyone know the depth of ones love? If they don’t show the scares from the arrows meant for them? I’ve got all the arrows. I didn’t miss one.
All of the missed marks. Covered by love. Grace. Forgiveness. And we can talk about it why? Because it all covered with love. Can’t hurt us now. Because of a damn good connection with God. Love covered it all on the platinum card. Either we believe that or what are we even doing around here?
My question ultimately is? What’s made my Mama act so weird with me? What did she expect? That she would throw me to the world and that the world would not teach me her lesson? That the world would not have an affect on me about her? And that at some point she would need to give her account of her life choices? If you can’t tell you kid then how can you Even tell god in the throne room? Will you be standing to tell god all this? Or will you be mopping up the bleach on the throne room floor sobbing to god for more forgiveness because you can’t seem to get it right? And go left and not right?
What’s right? Staying blocked? Or opening up? Which one sounds more healthy when describing a heart? Blocked? Or open? It’s that easy. To change your kind. Change your heart.
Ask yourself. What if I opened up? How hard would that be compared to how hard it is to stay blocked from my own daughter? say it. Whatever keeps you blocked. Say it out loud. Name it. And watch it dissolve. I’m open. I sure I’m wide open? Standing in the street! I’m saying it? Chelsie’s blocked me? So the pattern repeats. No excuses are good excuse to keep blocking. There really is no need? Except? Ego.