When I look at my parents? And all the added bonus parents and uncles? All the variables. Constants. Co-sign. Blah blah blah of it all. Everything that went into making me. I can see why God wanted me to be quiet for so long about this special work called me. I’ve been like a squirrel storing nuts for this winter.
Watching the world. Watching God use it all for my ultimate good. And then talking about it where my Mamas wouldn’t tell me what to say anymore, and god could talk. Unedited. About it all. What a News caster in the making about it all.
Holding onto truths like this. And then telling them unedited, what an eye opener for me too when it all come together in front of the world as you bloom like crazy after so many cuts to the cast and your nature. Snip snip snip. So bonzi.
I can see that had I told earlier? It would have landed me in an asylum. people get so upset about words spoken that they don’t like to hear. But now that I am older, they can’t really touch me now because I know my rights. And God made sure I did.
Cuz this reports gonna hurt. But? Pain? What’s pain but growth. Right? and my Mama doesn’t care what I say. Neither of them are even doing a thing about what I say. So either I’m crazy? Or I am Crazy genius right on point. Either way, this is my life story being told the way God wants me too.
And why would God tell me to edit it? So many withhold the truth from their own knowing and miss the whole point. It’s not about the truth. It’s about telling it. Don’t hold it in. Let it out. And people say things like, they will kill me? They will this and that and this to me. Lions tigers and bears oh my! If people want to kill you for your truth? Then we got work to do buddy. Starting with you, or me starting with me. I am a self starter on all of my renovations. You don’t even got to tell me twice but you can if you have to cuz you are anxiously awaiting my surprise reveal of the newest version of me.
We all change. And then change again. One day coke, next day sprite. One day a dress and the next day pants. Hair. Nails. Meals. Bills. And on and on changes going on all around us. And sometimes big changes come. Like babies unannounced. Lacking a preconception letter. No one preconceived this that is me. The adopted and adapted one. What will she be like?
Well. This is what’s shes like. Complex and simple all wrapped together. I am simple. My needs are not much considering they have not been met yet? But dealing with this wild lifestyle is a chore all the players and their games. Angles. There is a lot going on behinds the scenes. People don’t know my family really. Someday. Maybe. If we all get it together. Right now over me.
Toning down an alarm that’s been going off since removal from my own Mama has been a constant chore. Ones nerves get triggered daily. Is she coming today? Will she surprise me? With a visit? Only to find no one. Like her coming to see me? I mean I am her daughter still. Papers didn’t change a thing for me in that regard. I still hope. And float around the planet waiting. For the sign. Or word. Or Mama just coming to get me. And spend some time with her now special one.
If I wasn’t special then I am special now. Extra special! A California peach. I love peaches. Yum. Guess writing is how I really express myself when denied talking so long. Playing quiet games. Observing. Being told to listen and not speak. Guess the truth is out. My speaking can be quite intense to read. Oops. Who do we blame? Or is there blame in this game? I’ve just told what I felt and saw and how I saw it and see it and no one seems to like it with a star? Oh well.
My growing up life was quite tumultuous. And my mind in a fog surrounded by lies and secrets held back. Unspoken. Yet I saw it. I put it together. What should I have done? Thrown in a towel? Given up on myself? Not worked hard to learn to speak at all? My life is a lot like Helen Keller with the family thinking they were helping when they we only holding her back and treating her as an animal.
And how I see it is how I see it. If that shocks folks I guess they needed a shock is what I say. What else do I do? Shut up? Choke my free speak off and allow others to speak? Deeming my voice as less then? Two woman came together for me and I should give up on either of them? Pick a side? Funny. That’s funny.
Like a Mama doesn’t want to know what’s going on inside that head of mine? That’s a laugh. My Mama wants to know that all the time. What in the world is she thinking saying that? Or doing that? She could have asked me? But she did not use her voice now did she? Bingo. Guess I exceeded my Mamas abilities? At asking? Questions? She wants to know but does not ask for fear. Of what? That’s what she and I are working in here while I ramble and get her mind working a little. Loosening her mind up a bit. working her gray matter area that’s gray and that matters in our equation.
The mind is a thing. And it’s like a muscle. When you work it it works better. Mama ain’t worked her brain so much as I’m working it now. Massaging areas of her brain in her memories. Touching those spots she thinks no one sees to find out I see them. And care enough. To go there. Where no ones gone for years. The gray areas of doubts and fears about whatever. She’s got a few.
I her daughter have searched for the truths she also seeks to see. That’s god is real. She ain’t got her nose in Gods crack for nothing people. She’s searching for something. And she’s found it. In me. And I’m showing her. Now. What she lost was never lost. But it’s been returned. Better then before.