I just don’t know how my own Mama did it?

How? Did my Mama even go one without me? Cuz I’m struggling right now. I left a 12 year marriage? Sold the house we built to stay in for the rest of our lives together? The children all scattered. His kids didn’t like the union? And I tried to show him he needed to spend his time with them? But he didn’t want to with out me. Which is sweet. So sweet. But for me? That’s a no deal of the kids can’t straighten out? and the Mama can’t accept me and move on as friends? And I put the kids first. Worked to help them emotionally even though it triggered me like hell.

And I knew. Seemed his ex wife had her doubts? That I would never be their own Mama. I kept telling everyone? This is not a competition? Just for god sakes be good to the kids and not just spoil them cuz you all feel guilty you gave up? Why do I get hung up with people that give up? Play it safe? Try to control? I’m not giving up one anyone here. I do get really chafted in the Hyde!! however you spell it. I love you gramma Margaret!! Thanks for the spelling gift! I did get a spelling bee when I was young before my new parents divorced and all hell broke loose and serving life took more of a front seat then learning. I made up for it. 💋

Anyway. That’s just me. Interrupting my own self during a conversation. Ugh. But I learned being denied is this. Don’t deny others their due. When ever. Stop what ever and do whatever it takes so they know and trust you give a shit. Maybe that’s why I am so upset with Chelsie? I’m like? Where did I miss it lord? I prayed. I hugged. I rocked. I loved. I kissed the boo boos. Paid for the club stuff from the dollar tree? I made the pillows so she could sleep well. I let her get up and watch me finish it before I gave it to her the one night she cries because the other one was in the drying and was falling apart? I took her to cheerleading practice? And soft ball? All alone without my own Mama

Cheering me on I cheered her on? Where lord where? What!! God lord Jesus. I am really blind and don’t know it? My goodness? What have I missed I asked you and prayed you would help me do my beat? That’s I would not leave you out of their lives or mine? Where did I leave you out lord I know you go everywhere with me? I love that. I’m not trying to hide anything? My life is a question away from

An answer? I remembered my Mama? Even though she hurt me so badly? I forgave her? Forgetting is a chore? Does anyone reading this have these conversations? Analyzing a life that almost didn’t get to live? Making sure you tick each box on the way to the bathroom or the store or down the hall? I’ve read about a few obsessive thinkers? Maybe I am one of them?

But I am grateful for this brain of mine that seems to just be on overdrive all day and night. Processing data from everything. Like a machine. I can’t stop it. It’s stops when it stops. And that has not happened yet. Believe me. I would notice. This baby is high tech and sometimes doesn’t tell me shit until I write it or tell someone. I’m surprised myself about what comes out of this mouth from my brain. Astounding. Bewildering. Cuz once this bag gets fired up? She will burn the house down and lick the well one her way out. Meticulous mind. Body. Spirit. If I miss a beat it’s cus it was not mine. I think I would be sure of what’s mine by now having only me to really keep track of physically. Psychically is another story.

And people just wondered at the things coming out of my mouth growing up. Mama jean played it down. I am sure God gave me an exceptional mind body and spirit to journey the orphans life. And I do believe my Mama prayed for that. But she didn’t know that praying I wouldn’t miss her just would never really be a thing. But that god protected me. And some how numbed needs for a while. But I would act up. Cuz I’d miss you so much. And I’d get triggered and no one even knew it was cus of you? Sad. Huh? What dummies? Ludicrous.

What is it about that word. Adoption. That makes you invisible to people except me? Why am I able to see you in everything. Only to be confirmed again when I truly met you? Do you think I am a dummy? Like I would know who I am? What I am made of? Did you not believe? That I was brilliant? Glowing?

And did my glow not hang around you when you felt down? Did you not feel me? Do we believe in prayer Mama or don’t we? Is this not the answer you asked for? For god to tell me to tell you again? And again. Until it sunk in? Cuz you like god to leave a mark. All this bibles Mama? Marked up. God. I’m marking this one. I like it. Makes me feel good. God. I’m marking this one. I don’t really like it but I feel I need to like it or at least understand it. Thank you lord. I love you.

Now. Linda Marie Brown. Am I not the God you pray for commandeering your own daughter to speak to you or not? Am I that god? Or some other god trying to pull your leg? Am I alpha and omega? And can I speak through a donkey and yet not through your own child? To wake you up up up. It’s Christmas morning. Linda. My child. Receive they blessings you have ask for. Fear not.

Reviewing means. Graduation. Leveled up. Means step up girl and get your prizes. I can use this girls whatever to get my will done. She is solid. Connected to me. As everyone is. Times like these. I like to speak to my constituents. Yes. I am a legal god. Of course. I guess it’s strange to think of god talking to people in obscure places? who am I? Just God. Whoever that is? I mean really? If all these books where written by me? But no body agrees? Which one? And gets stuck? Not realizing it takes all of them? To figure it all out?

I do talk about hoarding things don’t I? Or must I quote you the verse to verify that I am who I say I am typing through this person? I love how trusting my people are. And oh. They know my voice? Maybe? If I am alpha and omega? Who’s voice is who? Am I not them all? Don’t let you body just take over and do whatever? I mean this is heaven? But until we get the idea that we do have to train? And learn how to rule and not just keep taking?

That’s what I am talking to Linda Marie about here? Where are you girl? Nose in my book? Kind of like nose up my crack? Why so brown nosey girl? what’s up? Do you even believe my words? And yet you tarry? Needing one more word? When I am offering you the world? And your girl. Returned to you. Better them new. Tried and true.

You would doubt that this is me? Do you know me? Is it not the one you prayed to? Asking? What did you ask for? Do even you remember? Oh. Maybe? Yes? And then. Rescinded the request due to guilt and a feeling of unworthiness. Bitterness had taken her root in you. Would I your lord know this or not? Am I as powerful as the book you have your nose up says? Am I? I am? Or what?

This child possess many gifts. She does not divulge such information. Most people don’t understand a thing about gifts. Does annoy me as god. She give freely and charges not. On my orders when and what to do. Any change. She follows. Even if it’s leave a man and divorce him. I am alpha and omega. Either I am or I am not? It’s so wish washy around here? And everyone’s connected but disconnected on earth. Heads stuck in a box that lights up? Hello? Can anyone see me? This girl here. Listens. To me.

Haters gonna hate until they get it straight that hates the flip side of love and just turn it over there’s a new beat on the other side. Hello. Bye. Yes. I am poetic. And you know what? So are all of you! It’s like a muscle. You just got to work it. And I love it! Eminem. Rapping! I love it all. I mean if I wrote a book? with words? And spoke everything into existence? Then I can change my mind? Oh! You didn’t think about me having a mind of my own did you? Trying to pull me this way and that? Funny! ? Perplexing how we just need to get that? The books are written in the language of love. What language is that children?

Yes. Poetry. Expression. Movement. Like David. Whatever. Nothing is nasty. You have read it all left and not right. It’s how we perceive things that is changing as we grow. Everyone’s mind expands every day all the time. And we are all learning at a fast rate always. Grow equals what we call pain. Stretching. Reaching. Science is nothing more than doubting Thomas being doubting Thomas still. And it’s ok. Do I not say? Test me? All over the place? Hello? Goodbye.

Is not the music all mine? Does it not get channeled Through someone? And we all buy it? Well. Most of us do. music. Words set to melodies. Oldest teaching trick in the truck. Is it not true? Oh. Because I am god? I can not be sarcastic any longer? I do remember? One of my profits? Talking to the worshipers of A god they made up? They forgot I am all and all is I am? Silly people. Anyway? I do recall that he made fun of them? Something about a toilet? Yeah. That was me. Hello? WtJcms. New one. Figure it out.

I’m really worried. Cuz y’all are worried. Did you think. That’s the problem right there. Thinking y’all know better? This gurl prays about everything. I’ll spell it how I want too. Ok. You are all bound up? Factions. Fractions. What’s the solution? Do it. Agree. Unite? Duh‼️ and stop talking about my bad side. Calling it a devil! Any of y’all ever watch sheep herders herd? My goodness. Tower of Babel again and again. Study. To show what? Approved. Anyone know what the approval is for? Nooooo. Hadn’t got that far ahead had ya?

Revelations when we all transcend!!! For my name sakes!! No ones left behind! We wander until we all reach the promised land! Moses? We tanked. If people wanted him in the promised land he’d have been there cus they would have made sure he got there hello! Get right! Cuz your all left hemisphere! evolution is my thing. I am tired of folks arguing me. Me. As in god.

And if people are to dumb to take this as me talking to us all? Well? I’ll see about that won’t I? Seems I cam taking care of a lot these days? Aren’t I? People don’t know what to do? Well. I do. I am know what to do. Can you spare more then 60 seconds of your time? And can you read? Me loud and clearly? Am I making sense to you? Children who don’t know any better? Then to listen to me always? And to understand my silence is golden and can be read as well if you pay attention.

Belinda is getting tired. So. That’s enough for now. It is me. God. Don’t be deceived by her. don’t deceive yourselves. I am. Is a thing. I am is real. Without faith our work is dead. All or keep trying.

psychecafe

I am an Adapted, artist, Mother, a soul, a human, singer, writer, activist, minister and deprogrammer and reprogrammer of minds. And I am here because we need to change how you see it, a lot of things that is. For us Adoptees who have lived in the dark. We were cut off from our families. And that is sad people.

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