Chelsie.

I will. Never give up on you. I will pray for you. I will. Always be connected to you. You came from me. And that’s not a joke. I am not a joke.

You are no joke. And a welcomed child that came into my life. Maybe? I wanted some time without diapers? But never did I not want you. And that’s a fact.

Just like I think about my own Mama all the time. I think about you all the time. Waiting. And wondering. And praying you are doing well. If my life had to be paid for yours. I’d pay gladly for any one of you children that came from me.

I am not quite sure where we went off course? Cuz I’ve always been a fan. I guess I did not realize you had gone off course baby? I trusted you so much. I trusted me. I trusted god had you in gods hand.

You leaving me like ya did? Tore my heart all up again. It was like my Mama leaving me except it was a piece of me now. And it shock me to the core. I was dumb founded. Spun out. Torn up. Torn down. Numb from such a stab I never saw coming from you. My laughing place. And you were not laughing anymore.

You went to who? I could even get too. You went to the one person I always needed and never really got. and yes baby. That hurt like hells poker in a wound I had carried my whole life. I forgive you. I know you had to do what you had to do. But it hurt me so bad. Cuz. I didn’t know you like I thought I did. Anymore. The you I knew was gone.

I did not know what to do. Except pray and work on me. All I could do was feel more pain and loss, just like before when my own Mama did me like you did when you left me without even a goodbye kiss. I guess you hate me. And he’ll if I know why? Cuz I love you so much it hurts so bad not having you. In my life.

I’d take you in a garbage bag or a pick bag or naked. But that’s not up to me now is it? Seems the tables turned and I didn’t even see it coming. How my baby would stab me so hard and yet I would live to feel such a pain I have no idea why?

And as you can see by now if you even grace this place with your presence, I’m not perfect honey. I’m real and raw. And working to heal from the worst pain of my life, my mama leaving me in a hospital to go home with strangers.

I am glad she was there for you. Even if she can’t for me. That’s on her not me cuz I’m here waiting for her still to this day as I’ve waited for years for her to show up and explain to me what and why. And now. I’m waiting on you. The precious bundle of joy I held in a hospital and took home to be a part of our family.

I watch the videos I have on my phone regularly. To get my Chelsie fix. I miss you so much. And I am sad you are unhappy with me because? All I wanted to do was better then I had been done. I pray the EMDR is working. I pray god is working on us both and that soon. We will hold each other again.

My life is dim now that your light is gone from my life. I don’t even know what to do with myself as I heal from divorce the third time. There’s no man that can love me. And I’m getting used to that idea and am loving myself. I am a handful for sure.

I keep seeing you yelling at me in the dinning room at the house saying, “come on mom”. And I wonder what you meant. I pray the lord shows me soon cuz I just don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. I’ve lost my will do do anything. But. I’ll give that will to god and maybe god can fire me back up is my prayer.

David’s working in woodland. He’s wielding. I’m excited to see him spread his wings and fly. You’d be proud of him. Angela’s getting ready you go to holistic school near you. I’m so excited she’s come so far since getting out of the military.

No one told me I shouldn’t be a mama. I wish they had. But I probably would not have listened. Cuz I had no blood family and all I wanted my whole life was some blood family. So. The best way was to have all of you. Motherhood is selfish I guess? I wanted to Belong to y’all. And y’all to belong to me. But? Y’all got wills of your own. Dully noted.

I just never saw you doing what you did? My mind never saw this at all. Your my Chelsie. My club girl. Helping people and being so kind? Breaks my heart thinking about it all and what you’ve been through. And yes. I cry. Shock as it may be. I cry about us and about me and my Mama.

But I try to stay positive. It’s hard when you’ve lost someone like you. I miss you so much. And my hearts broken again. And again each day your not here.

Lord. Be with Chelsie now. Help her mind to see me as a person who she came from that loves her. Just like I am trying to see my own Mama. Even if she won’t call me or write me so we can clear this up. Lord. Help Chelsie and I to do better then me and my own Mama do. Help us to take our relationship seriously and not squander what time we have here on this earth missing out on all the fun stuff and arguing. I want my baby back lord. As a grown woman and I don’t care what it takes to bring Chelsie home. thank you lord for hearing me. Thank you for the answer. Amen.

psychecafe

I am an Adapted, artist, Mother, a soul, a human, singer, writer, activist, minister and deprogrammer and reprogrammer of minds. And I am here because we need to change how you see it, a lot of things that is. For us Adoptees who have lived in the dark. We were cut off from our families. And that is sad people.

Submit a comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.