In adoption. Communication styles differ. What do I mean slapping that up here without a preexplanation?
Adoption does not take into account, nor does adoption care that we children have a language we have learned already while growing inside our Mothers.
Why did Moses stutter? I stutter.
When you are removed from your Original Mother. And then taken to a new country who’s language is not like hers, there is a disconnect that’s happened. A physical disconnect. Biological disconnect. And a language disconnect. We even if we speak English are thrown into a whole new language pool. And we the children must learn again. Clean slate? But not so clean. What do we do with 9 months of language courses we just learned. Total chaos.
Adoption does not take this very intense stage that causes a reaction to both mother and child into consideration. My Mama felt it. And I felt it.
Ask yourself this. Why? Are children creating their own cells in the brain of their own Mothers? What’s that all about? And in adoptions it’s only to stretch that connection. Snap! Crackle. Pop! It’s hurt my head and did make me angry. At what? Adoption is all I know. Adoption did this to me and mama. Adoption needs to fix it if they think they know so much.
Cells in the brain would tell me brain cells. The children built their own brain cells in their own Mamas kind. Why? Biological communication. When the child is removed from the mothers care it’s stretched. It forced me into hyper vigilance. Always looking for her in everyone. What would Mama say or do? That’s the question that’s in my main frame. Always. It is for everyone. But I am aware of it. It was my biological response to the stimuli of removing me from my Mama so soon.
Felt like being slapped in the head a few times. Shaking baby has got nothing on this pains hang time or it’s repercussion to the child’s mindsets. Threw me for a few loops around some strange new place. Boing. Bong. Ding dong sing a ling. My speech growing up was many times reversed and silly. Deer rain. Instead of rain deer. My new family thought it was so cute. I did not enjoy being the butt of this new language augmentation revelation. I knew what I wanted to say. But that was not always what was said. Frustrating. Angered me.
And that response show me that removing me from my Mama care causes a trauma to my language center of the brain. Which is located on my left side brain. It affected my brains word finding skills. Which was disconcerting at times when I wished to be taken seriously. It seemed adoption had turned me into the court jester of this new realm. Not funny at all.
So. Off to my new world and already having language issues. Great. So fun. What next? Oh! Here. Sickness. That’s next. Very sick. A lot.
My body just was not having it. It was upset too. Nothing I could do but let my body feel like it felt and roll with it. Where the hell am I? And why? Before words could be learned I thought this. Daily. Wtf. Would have been the words if I knew them? But no. All I had was a bag of worthless babble no one understands here and seem so amuses at. Ugh. surely. There’s been a mistake of some sorts? Wrong turn maybe? Surely Mama will realize what she’s done to us both and return to retrieve me toot sweet. Ugh. This pain is intense. I do hope she comes soon.
People talk about disempowerment. That’s adoption! For sure. If I’d have had my way I would not have stayed. My body took a hit from god knows what but I will find out and fix this myself. Evidently the authorities are insane. Seems logical to me. Take her back to the mother. This transplant is not taking. But alas. No one did. And here I am today writing my way back into my Mama life still poking at a screen i now can hold in my hand.
The television was my friend growing up. I learned so much as a infant in a playpen watching and searching for Mama on the screen. or was she watching me from hers? The things children relinquished think? Wonder. Knowing full well, your not home at all. But everyone’s saying you are. This ain’t home. Where’s the music?
What does the doll in the new home say to the people playing house with her? I wish to go home now please? Thank you for your hospitality but no thank you? My body was talking for me. But the new people didn’t understand science and nature. 😩 they didn’t see my body rejecting the transplant. Hell they never even planted a plant to even know how to transplant properly. A farmer may have known? But would he tell his deranged wife? No. He wouldn’t so I would be stuck there too. Stuck. Like chuck.
Guess I’ll have to wait? I hate waiting. God. Please. Can you come get me? Ugh. Constant. Fussing. Content denial of what I needed and wanted. So. Excuse me for making such a fuss at my old age. I held this one in so I could put words to each feeling. So you the reader could feel what I felt. And it’s not nice. What I felt back then. It haunts me still those pains. Wishes Mama would just come get me so this could all go away. And she could love this piece of her god made for her.
And so. I grow. And learn more languages. And listen to that folks tell me adoption is to them. Boy they got some ideas? Wrong. But they do sound so nice. Not a fit though. For me at least.
It’s so disconcerting when everyone tells you to have opinions and to learn to get your needs and wants fulfilled, yet no one even listens to a child’s body as it wrenches from a pain no one seems to see because their Mamas kept them. how can a world of kept people even grasp such an idea? Unless I grab their head and bang it on the concrete a few times and then let them reel years and years from the pain while I tell them it’s love.
That’s seems the only way? Or is this working? Does your head hurt yet? I’ll keep going then. My body was like, wtf!! No no no. Sickness after sickness the doctor were befuddled. Dumb founded. No shit your dumb. take me back this instant my body was saying!! Revolt! Reverse thrusters!! Head towards the mothership!! Not away from it you dummies!! They asked what is wrong with this human? I’ll tell you when I am 57, when I’ve got all the words just right! Ugh!
It’s like trying to climb out of a pit while everyone throw you back in each time. No no no little girl. Stay. Like I am a dog. I am not a dog or a cat. I am another woman’s daughter for god sake cant you see me? it’s plain as day to me? Surely? Mama realizes this? Where is she? While people just pushed me off on the next medical bandwagon over and over diagnosing me with this or that. It’s. My Mama. That’s what this is. She gone. And I know it but can’t say it. Hello!
How do you even tell your side of the story with so many people with their hands eating your cookies telling you how they tasted? I’d like to taste my own Mamas cookies please!! Thank you. Nope. No one heard me? Well. Again. And again. I do cook as good as my Mama if not better to prove that point. I’m like my Mama! Hello! Little did I know how much my Mama likes cooking is so much like me without all the cookbooks. Of course. Cuz she’s a cookbook librarian. All her easing must have gotten to me. I’m not speaking for my sisters here. They can speak for themselves about that fact. But I picked cooking up fast. Fried my first egg at 5 years old. Chicken flambé at 18. Not bad for an orphan taking into custody by strangers.
What adoption fails to realize. and fails to do something about, because it would really put a dent in their budget, is doing this to children instead of supporting the natural selection, is it causes a whole lot to go on in both mother and child’s brains that people don’t seem to realize is going on. that is a hard on to explain all in one sentence. Adoption need to be schooled by the people who have felt this. The feeling must be described by the participants. Adoption need to learn this is true and account for it in some way.
Are we going to keep doing this to mother and child over and over? Or are we going to change it so that children and mother can stay autonomous? Are we going to jerk children around and call this love? Lie to them. Take their identities? Remove their rights without consent? And before consent can even be given? call this free will? And not call it what it is. Free will imposed onto a child’s free will and so impeding the child’s free will to stay on course and not be rerouted to another Mother?
I ask. What are we doing here? And I have full right to question this as a veteran of this system.
You the reader may not be adopted. Would you like what I have described as your life? Or even your children’s life or grandchildren’s life? Cuz if I am not safe to stay put where god sent me then neither are they? It’s easy to bounce. It’s not easy to be bounced. Thank you next. Not a great song right now for this. I will take that back. That Mama is mine. Thank you. No thank you please.
Did anyone listen to me? Nope. Does my Mama hear me now? That’s to be seen? To many voices telling her she right and I am wrong I imagine they got to her. Well not me. I know who’s I am. Who I was sent too. And god helps me find her. So there. I’d call it a miracle. Not a curse. A divine intervention. Me. Taking my free will back. I have my own idea how this can work better than this. After waiting years to speak up and ask for what I wish. Now that my Mamas got what they wanted so badly. Yeah. Me. The kid this was supposed to help has ideas of her own? Go figure? Didn’t count on that did ya? Nope. No one did. But god.
We need people to help rebuild what adoption so nicely tore down and tried to put asunder what god brought together. Yep. Go back to the drawing board and let the children who have grown up like this draw it all out so y’all can see what it equals. Then let’s try agin folks. This way is costly indeed. All that therapy that should be paid for by adoptions industry? No union for us kids and so much love? Please. Please. Trillions of dollars will be spent as we the subjects of this experiment must try to find the help we need in a world that can’t see? Please. sit down. This will hurt.
Y’all fucked up sweeties. yeah. You did. And we the children are tryin so hard to make this love soup taste better but you forgot mom is always the key to the best chicken soup for the soul. Y’all cut our main ingredient out and expect us to taste good? Come on now. Surely you can see that now can’t you? I know. Adoption. Such a little word and yet so big to wrap your brain around now isn’t it? Come on now. You don’t like my world? You help build it? I’ve got lots of brothers and sister now. Who are trying to get their main ingredient back? You don’t want us to taste good?
It’s like leaving the salt out. She’s the salt of our earth bodies. And she been taken away. Walk away. Somehow separated from us and yet now really. Just a phantom pain that comes and goes and goes and comes like crazy and won’t stop. Until you’ve made it back. or never if she dies before you do. It’s a natural urge adoption denied us. Like breathing. She gave us life? Folks just struggle to see it if they are kept they have no concept of what it entails. Not even my Mamas truly get it. My own Mama does to a point. She feels a pain in regards to me. Is she aware it is her own natural urge that’s adoption denied her though? Is she realizing what the pain is from yet? Am I getting through to her mind again? Have I awakened my cells in her brain enough? Will I make contact? With my mothership before it’s to late? Yes. I tell myself yes every time. I simply have no margin for error here.
I shoot until I hit the mark. Communication is key on the road to Mamas mind. Hi ho hi ho. It’s off to work we go. Snow whites going home. She got many rows to hoe to get to Mama door. This way that way. Round and round that bend to straighten it out with sheer force and will. God given I can’t stay still. My free Willy is jumping out of this water into a another pool of thoughts called Mamas chicken soup for my soul.
My souls tired. And I just want Mama. May I have her please dear lord in heaven on earth. Now. Ask until you receive is how you work that bible verse. Knock it down if that’s what it takes dear. Seek and find. And don’t stop seeking until you find what you are asking and knocking down to find. Mama made a strong willed woman back in 63.
I can make a meal out of anything and make it taste good in the end. Cuz I will it so. It’s a double whammy. mama will made my will and now she got to concede to her own original will. Which was to make me. Her body said yes to me. Her mind didn’t have a clue that was a thing yet? The church does not get to tell the body the temple when to create life. Fact. Nor does a man. The body decides when and where and what is coming inside and going out.
Let me say this. Mamas bodies been digging her about me since I left. Go stay. Go stay. Go get her. No no no. She needs me. No. You made you bed lay in it. But no. I must go. I can’t. Where when? Which way? God in heaven help me. Lord help her. Find a way lord. I give up. No I can’t give up. I must pray. This house is a wreck. I am a wreck. No I am not. And on and on it goes for a mama who’s chosen this road. Her mind fights with her body to stay in this line. Until? Her daughter come in and says shhhhh now. I’m here. Shhhhh. I’m not going anywhere quite throwing me away cuz you think. Whatever it is your thinking stop. Just stop this merry go round to hell and get off.
It’s becomes a compulsive behavior no one sees. Unless they to have it. And recognize the signs well enough. Ego inflation for protection. Pride. To hide the shame. Stiff necked due to holding it in an unnatural position for so long. Confusion due to me bring on point and no one else being able to see it but me. Denial of ones true feelings so long. Limp. Almost lifeless heart in her daughters Hands will she massages ur back to its proper beating. Pouring the oil and wine on to soften the heart. As it melts in my hands from being touched and not touched from a far place where her daughter types her love out for her eye to see what she really see after she calls her out on all her Mama thinks she sees. Yeah. I see what you think you see. Do you see what I see now?