Language is everywhere. In music. In books. In personalities. Words. Poetry. That’s the thing that gets slipped over when it come to adoption practices is the children relinquished already learned a language style before they had to learn another language style.
Relinquishment causes a hiccup. A change. A swift change of linguistic styles. like boom! We must shift our little brains after learning and experiencing one woman’s language to be trust into a whole new classroom. A classroom with a person that, does not even, has nor even, been prepared to understand this dynamic.
Who fault is it? Well? It’s everyone’s fault if we must place blame. It’s ignorance that’s been so blissful while we, the adopted, silence and observant have been trying to figure and sort ourselves out. It’s the fact that adoption is very slow to update to reflect the glitches in their field for fear of exposure and possibly loss of income and revinue.
Therapists? Let’s go there why don’t we. Therapist are way off the track trying to help us because most don’t even have what I am pointing out on their radar detectors and end up dancing around diagnosing is with all kind of things instead of listing to the child within who’s so grieved and just wants to be seen and heard. We want help that we have not gotten in a world that seems Adoption as a friend. It’s much like a molested child trying to tell the story and not being believed. Deemed crazy because people can’t conceive or comprehend or even want to, thats this happened to us.
Therapists? Just listen. No plan. I wanted a plan. Like what to do. Help me. I want to do something about this. Not just talk about this all day in hopes of what I do not know. I lost my patience a while ago with it. And I went to God in prayer. Cuz I know I am not alone in my feelings of despair? We all want to be able to go home to an emotionally available Mama who’s seen what this path got us both. But? Are theorists even able to get our Mama there?
I would say? No. Mine is not there yet. And it’s me do the therapying with her. it’s me going into the dark places to shed light and light a bone fire inside her brain so she can see her own traumas and denials. As well as my own? Working together like two rocks being hit together to warm our souls and lighten our loads with the dead wood cut off to throw onto the hearths of our hearts.
I do see she’s been told a lot of hoowie from people that don’t even know. Like blah blah blah getting in our way. In the way of God dealing with us both together. I’ll be the first one to step up when it’s come to healing. When God tells me go. I obey. Even if it’s my own Mama that’s mad at me for spilling her beans all over a page in front of God and everybody. Cuz. The flesh must die to the spirit within. That’s truth. And yes. It hurts the pride and the Ego flies off her handles. That means? I’ve hit the targets. Pushed all the right buttons on everyone if I can make so much commotion.
How long I ask. Must my child within be denied in front of God and everyone? While I cry? Throw tantrums. Throw words all around like weeds in a garden long forgotten? Working on finding a path home. Home? What is home? Well? I know the beat of my Mamas heart. How her tummy groans when hungry. Her laugh. What it sounds like when she’s angry. I. Remember. My body has the ability to remember home. And yeah. It upsets me when I am still. After 57 years. Dismissed as a nothing while I cry, cry, cry out for help.
Yes. I’m upset with my children? Who also know what i sounds like when I laugh and cry and get upset. Seeing them numb, distant, not seeming to understand the importance of bonds. It’s science for god sakes. Bonds are everything around here? Gravity is a bond we have with the earth or we all would fly away now would we not? And the bond of Mother and child should not, I repeat? Must not be impeded by yesterday. Yesterday must be faced and cleaned away so new growth can be where old wood was.
What is a grudge? Why do we allow a grudge to hold onto us when God words tells us to forgive? and I can hear my own Mama say well then forgive already? Well. I have. I write all my pain away here and send it to God each day. Does she? Where is she? Not here with me? So who’s hold what I ask? Who? Is holding the grudge because she’s still not got what she seems to want? Me.
I want unconditional love. And she’s not giving me that. She’s got conditions on how I should appear and act and be. Well? That’s the mirror isn’t it then when she’s looking at me? What’s it mean to crucify the flesh anyway? Well? To me it means telling the truth. Facing your truths and the truths of others.
My child is blocked me. Truth
My children are not helping me. truth
My adopted Mama is not helping me. Truth
These are just a few.
Point the fingers at me. And three will come back to you is what I say. Or? Maybe put those hands out and just love me for who I am and this storm will subside? Has anyone tried? Really succeeded at giving this for me?
I know the language of truths. I witnessed the truths of my family’s reactions and lack of actions. I’m staring at that right now. You want me to make nice when you haven’t even made a move? It’s like being in a car with no gas and wanted it to just go somewhere? That’s insane.
People troll through. 129 visitors. How many likes? Yeah. While I am fighting for my life with a woman I came from for all I am worth with no one to guide me but myself? No therapist that can help me lay out any plan for reunification? In reunion but not united. Well that’s nice? To hot of a potato to even hold. To bold. To brazen. To to to.
And I do not feel adoption helped my Mama at all. If at the end of each day she can’t even give me a hug or a call. Emotionally distant to say the least. Can’t hear my cries or even speak to me.
I’m not ok with that, no. The mother archetype is intrical to everyone’s success. And if Mama ain’t right? No one right. Does no one see this? That’s I am pointing out? To just scroll past me like some peddler on the toad day after day. Denied what is rightfully mine? While passers by smile a don’t even wave. Drive by scrolling is insane.
I hope your Mama loves you. Hugs you. Cuz mine won’t. And if you can breezy by me like this? Well don’t come crying when she’s gone. Cuz I will have nothing to give you because you didn’t invest.