Guess my Mama does not like to be called on. Called out in class.
Like hey! Lady! Yeah. You in the second row with your nose in that book. Yeah. You. What do you know? This is what I know. What do you have to say?
I mean? Why read all that text if your not gonna share it? What has she learned? Being a Mother who relinquished? Was it fun? Was it sad? Was it hard? Did she worry about me? Or did she just check out? Does she have regrets? Does she have any hopes? Or does she just want to crawl into the Bible and blow away?
I mean? I look at people who pull back as the ones who need to step forward. I’ve worked in public schools enough to be able to spot someone that’s maybe? Got something to tell. Or maybe hasn’t had anyone to listen to what they have to say about a subject. And I call them out and up to share.
We’ve all got ideas of how communication should look. I mean? Is that really how it is? At the end of the day you just got to do it. Just open your mouth and speak and hopefully, they will listen and try to understand your meaning. Communication stele differ. This is true. And I am not buying all the psychology bible that is flying around today. Back in the day when I was born you had to just do it and pray you got through, and keep on trying until you do.
Narcissistic behavior. blah blah blah. Codependent behavior. Sure. Me, Mama, and Mama Jean have been in a very Codie Ted relationship. Mutual relationship. Mama codependent on Mama Jean to get the job done she was not able or willing to do. She expected Mama Jean to raise me, love me, and not return me as a defected person. And so. Mama Jean did all as best she could considering what we knew and had available at the time. So many variables.
I’ve listened all the jargon. Here’s what I think. Mamas scared. Scared to open up to me. Fear is not a logical response in our case but a symptom of denial. Denial of her own feelings due to the agreement made when I was relinquished. She appears to not be able to communicate freely about her experiences with me. The one she shares this experiences with. And I believe that there is much meat that’s she has in regards to the Bio Mamas side of this equation.
So. I hit her hard. As hard as I was hit. Cuz I know she got hit hard too. Kind of like cracking an egg. To help her crack our of that she’ll she’s been living in for years without me. So the pain could begin to ooze out and maybe she could get some answers and relief. It’s not easy what’s she did. And she doesn’t appear to be so happy about it when I come around. I’m pretty good at reading someone. Especially my Mama. And she’s been denying her true feelings to long and it’s getting in the way of our progress.
Sure. I shocked her. And sure. I was shocked. We both got shocked. Linked together and yet appearing separate. She’s my Mama. I came from her. And that means she’s been covertly connected to me since relinquishment. And she wants things to be better. I see that. But the how? How? That’s where we both got stuck. With the old lines and lies in our way we could t really see each other at all. I was like some savage Viking banging on the door. Unrecognizable. She’s had to adjust to the me I had to hide and watch me undress myself and explain.
She’s hard to impress upon. She’s a rock. A hermit who stays in her cave and reads by the candle light seeking. Well? Here’s your answer honey. Came right out of your own belly.
And she and I have been running a parallel line for years. Heart to heart. Soul to soul. We are soulmates and cell mates to Adoption. codependent on the other across the airwaves and using the mainline praying back and forth to each other. She’s a funny woman. Truly. Makes me giggle. But this right here. Ain’t funny to her. It’s serious as a heart attack on Tuesday.
So. I’ve hit her with full force. To. Lighten that load. Tell all. Get it out of our way. Our adoption experience took a shit back when I was 30 and she was 50. It’s time to drop that load. Lighten the moods of everyone who’s been in the dark about she and I. She lights my world up like a fresh summer day. Talking to me through myself. It’s crazy how god helped me in that way. As I love and breath. She’s as much a part of me today as ever. why? Would I not go home to see her? Even if she’s all turned around? Why would I not spend my time on a worthy cause such a Mama?
My I tell has hit her Intel and we connected. Like to hammers. Like two sucker punches. Bam bam. Pow! Like lightening strikes on the rocks that are we. Bust us open and let our truth out to help other see. It does not matter how it looks in the bowl. It’s matters how it tastes after it baked and that you clean up the mess so the ants don’t come to stay.
I’m throwing my ingredients in her bowl like a mad scientist. and stirring with my love spoon for all I’m worth. While God turns up the heat to bake us till we are a sweet piece of cake. Guess Mama forgot how wild she was back in my day? Maybe she thought her wild side was deemed bad or something? Well? Not gonna let that one slide into her home base without a your out! Play.
My question is how does anyone address a wound? Does the nurse read from a book and follow a pattern or does the person just dive in and begin? And my Mama was not acting healthy in the sense of being able to open up to me? And once I began blogging I got a whole nother story line emerging. with avoidance. Calling the police when I dared to drive to go see her? Like I was some criminal? These are the things many adoptees face when they go home.
And love is the only force I am using here to push past the past. Love is the strongest force to cast away all fears. And how can my own Mama even know what Grace is if she doesn’t know what her girl went through? And how grace covered it all with love? Seems to me the church talks a lot about healing but doesn’t deliver. Cuz my Mamas been praying for years. Shes gonna see her healing. She’s gonna see it coming from the one she gave away. And praise god for it.
Who better to do such an inside job them one who came from inside of her is what I say. Just a whole lot of caca poo poo if you ask me! Waiting on me to clear away. Whole lot of fears that’s chased on me while I batted at them alone in the world without her to help me. Just her praying. That’s all. Does she not deserve to see her prayers answered in amazing ways she could not even imagine? Yes. She does. She is.
Cuz I know. She’s my original root system in need of some fresh dirt so her roots can heal.