Death. Koby. I know your watching all of us.

While we reel from a loss. Of a man who’s not gone but loves on in all of us. We take counts of those we love who are still with us. Death reminds us to love those in our lives while they are still here. And I may sound like a hot mess on some dry toast over here on some blog not many know.

But I love my roots.

My Mama tried to kill? Herself and took it out on me and my brother. And I forgive her. And she needs to know. He’s hanging out with koby tonite while I write. And my heart is heavy. Guess I’m opening up this broken heart and expressing all the pain it feels when someone looses a loved one to death? Or? Another life. Those we love however tragic? The losses may be, they still matter when our hearts are all twisted and gnarled with pain and sadness.

If only my Mamas cold heart could beat for me tonite. Koby and Tanya remind me to not give up and go after those dreams. Dreams I’ve always had. Dreams I long to fulfill before death take me? Or my Mamas? Or my kids. I want them all standing by me when my dreams come true. Yes I do.

When I was young? Reeling inside? Which way lord? Fight or flight hanging around my neck and jerking me around? Making me act all crazy, I prayed inside where God within me resides. Dear lord. Im trying so hard to be a good girl. Lord please. Can you hear me? Where’s my Mommy? Why does she hate me. Why did she cut me out of her life? And please lord, help me show her I’m not a mistake. My brothers spirit still lingering around me. He, trying to console me. Revenants of his memory ruling must mind like a vice. Longing for his arms wrapped around me.

Just like Kobys family tonite. Longing for just a little more time to have and hold the one they love. I to have my longings. For redemption and resurrection of a woman for me, days gone by and by. But she’s still alive and kicking herself in the ass tonite.

Oh my god it hurts guys. All this pain I feel inside. Tonite as we all mourn a loss of a man. It cuts at me like a knife. Ouch. This ones gonna hurt. Hell yes it hurts us all to loose. But Kong’s hanging out with Jesus and Moses and Martin Luther King jr.., while we, mourn the cut of a great player and our loss of a great one. And he? Celebrates his great victory at being free.

Death makes us a bit crazy. Makes someone loose it. Mind twisted. Heart pricked with a thousand needles and in pain. We all are connected. And this hole in my heart I inherited when I was cut from my team and recruited to another feels it all. Tonite. Can you hear me God I ask. Nobodies listening to what I’m singing. My song? To sad. To to. Much to comprehend. My words a garbled and I sound like a raving lunatic without her meds. Risking it all because I value a stone cold killer who’s called my Mama. Cut from her womb and thrown to the wolves.

Can you hear me god? Are you there? Why? Have you forsaken me? Why? Must I live without my brother and my own Mother? Ok. God please. I’ve got a dream lord. Can you help me? Please. I obviously don’t deserve it. Guess I was a bad girl and survived. And now I’m alone. I cry. Inside.

Where’s my Mama lord? Why doesn’t she hear me? The child inside me. Still nursing. Longs to be touched and held closely. Rocked like the baby inside me remembers my mother rocked me while rocking my sister. While sucking my thumb. Oh I remember my time while she was still mine. And so tender the wounds of a stranger who was my own mother. Saying good bye.

Koby. I know you can hear me. Please dear brother can you talk to everyone on the other side. Will you please help me with my issues. Show me. Please how to win this game and win my Mama back. I’m her reward. Just like my children are mine. Ask god to help her see me right. Clear the fog tonite from all our eyes. After the cut of gods knife has cut us like a fish. Our guys hanging out? No words to describe. Alive. But something inside died. Tonite. While the Grammys played music. Kirk Franklin my brother sings a tribute. The holy spirit falls on us all and a hush now hits us all. While we cry and bleed on the insides.

We’ve all lost. We all are connected.

How do you tell your children about a brother? You lost while inside your own Mother? This is me. Bearing all. Exposing my lie. I’ve not forgotten my brother I just tuned him and all his memory inside this body. My temple. His tribute. My life his honor. My children his reward too.

Pain is real and yet lingers. It’s softens with time until another loss is rendered and cuts the scares once again. A friend. A man so strong. Now gone. Transcended. Admired by many. My brother. Admired by me. Gave his life so I could live.

Koby. Will you kiss him. For me tonite. I know your watching us all. Help us look for the signs that your spirits still alive. The Grammys. Evidence of your great spirit that was so alive in that room among the stars yet felt in each one who listened and prayed for all who were taken, we would say, to soon.

Anyone. Can you help me move been crying a long time now. About a woman. She’s my mom. Can you hear me. Is anyone there? Can anyone hear? The child inside me crying out loud. I’ve sent up a thousand prayers like fiery flares. Calling on god. Hear me please. Answer my prayer. I need more than someone. I’ve only ask for one. Can you please help her care. About me.


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