When we take into consideration what Adoption really does to the child, the child’s emotions, mental state, the denial of their mirror-Mother. Then. And only then can you see what all my hulabalue is all about.
I’m being very candid and very vulnerable right now by showing my internal processes and reactions. I’ve repressed most everything. Anger is the most honest feeling I have. And anger is the emotion of change. My anger pushes me to be real and to overcome the boundaries forced into me while I was an infant. Stuff all down due to a feeling a survival instinct. That? Was correct at the time for my survival.
I am empathic. That’s how I learned to survive. Feeling everything. So I could navigate a very scary world in which my own Mother who I feel is the truest of Mirrors was denied me. And of course in turn due to my early conditioning, denied my own children. It does quite deep. And is hard to explain because I am in the thick of my triggering right now. Finding my way to my own light and learning how to set boundaries.
My children. Are empathic too. They feel it all. What I am doing is learning and sharing my path as to help them find their as well. I can not do it for them. Just like my own Mother can not do this for me. But I must see and read while I type what is inside of me that I due to trying to survive have held back. Anger. Damn right I am angry. My inner child is having a conniption fit. And I am allow her to be seen. Here. To show. She exists and is wounded and feels very alone at this time.
I am also stepping up to mother here after each tantrum. I am giving her empathy and understanding by allowing her to speak. Wale. Tantrum out all she held in for lack of any other way to find a new way for us both. My Mother can’t help me now. That time has passed and this blog is the proof that she just does not have what it takes. Boundary.
The videos below illustrate while Dr. David Puder speaks about what an empath who has high trait agreeableness is like and what to do. Thank god for tik tok. Thank God. For listening to me wale. Help is found.
Agreeing is a coping mechanism. It kept me safe. Because what I really wanted was not available or even considered, which was my own Mother who I now see was incapable of loving and given me what I needed. Neither of them gave me what I needed most. Voicing my opinions in my new family was met with more anger and treats to comply to the new regime. And I was denied over and over and over again. It did feel like being in some military boot camp. Forced to comply with the new master.
For reason I am not able to explain? My own Mama lacked empathy towards me and evidently decided to give me away, thinking, she was doing a good thing. That was not the case. But coping mechanisms does not a fruitful life make. And I have suffers and my marriages suffered and my children suffered due to my needs being denied. Ive been looking for help my whole life. Searching the eyes and faces of those who I was placed into care too. To find? No help. Delusions of Grandeur.
My hope and desire is to find the help I need. And to find my boundaries at long last. To ground myself in this body that’s taken many hits along the way. My own Mama can’t help me now. That’s clear. Faced. And now being accepted. She’s lost her self. So how can she even help me? When she can’t even face what her decisions sent me into. Truth is what I need. Acceptance. The final stage of grief.
I never had her at all. I had me. And god. For when I found home all I found was a woman out of touch with her own reality. How could she even see me? The child? I forgive her which is for me not her. I forgive myself. I am unable to forget her action and no actions towards me after reunion. That’s my boundary and hers now. Without truth for ya both to stand on together so that we both may heal? There is simply no foundation for us to build on.
And it’s sad to see she can be so willing to help my children while denying their Mother. That alone has cause me much pain. Watching her do this has forced me to continue to face my grief. And to work through it.
If she can’t see that well that’s on her not me. Because healing is messy. It means going there. Into the wounds shadows and cleaning up and respecting the pain. When I get all in my feels is when I post the pain and all the gunk that being adopted gave me. Like poop. Like a little girl who’s finally pooped after so many years of being emotionally constipated. This is a long poop. 😩 that’s a long time in the making I’ll add.
Here are the videos. Random. But you can go to this mans site for more into or find him on tiktok.
This video above is what my Mothers are both unable to do. Which means my Mirrors are more like walls. Dead faced walls of misunderstanding or lack of capacity to understand or comprehend the magnitude of what I’ve had to move through and experiences being an adoptee. Sounds so nice. All packaged up with its nice lite word. Adoptee.
I can see why God hinted Moses down and made him go home? While his people still inslaved? Slave mentality. And the tribe of Israel in chains? Gods people in chains? And it wasn’t easy for him? His people all moaning and complaining about manna? They wanted freedom? Oh yeah? But they didn’t want to have to pay the price of admission to the promised land? Moses paid a price for privilege and had to go home to repay gods favors and teach the Kong’s house a lesson about inslaving a tribe of people and about gods views on human rights.
Well. Use the link. Use the videos to get yourselves free of the slavery of the mind and body that’s gone through trauma while the world took a hike on you. Here’s to freedom. But we gonna have to work for that freedom. Thank god is not hanging on a tree. Thank you Jesus!