Greiving it all out to get free…

Grieving is a process. It takes time. It takes awareness. Ive been wounded, so long, I came into the world wounded. So, for me? I felt that way when I got here all a bundle of supposed joy waiting to give it away to my new family? Not. “Hold up a minute. Not so fast their new partners”, my body seemed to being saying to everyone around me that, did not speak my language and seemed so care free and oblivious to my conundrum. Oh me, oh my, I did try so hard to comply.. Alas, my body still reeling from the cuts and the blows of the losses no one could seem to see? My body Screaming! My body trying to help me, no words to explain, within me crying, “Give me back to my Queen! She belongs with me!”

And thirty years passed.. my own children were born, married, yet my body, still reeling.

And after finding what I thought was home? My Mother oblivious now to the wound gapping and bleeding all over her kitchen floor, could smell something was up with this strange little creature knocking down her doors. Her Walls all erected, I cried, “Let me back in I demanded!” Defiantly facing off the demons inside her beautiful head, now standing guard at the gates of her heart all inside of her head! And viewing the same demons that clearly now infected my sister,  and me yelling! Screaming!”She’s my Mama too!!! Step aside!”, I demand, “I want an audience with MY OWN QUEEN Mama, please alone!! You foolish baboons!” But big sister just said, “Shew go way you silly shmoo go go go!” She said to me, the daughter of her own Queen Mama! It all so seemly so insane, yet my own sister calling me crazy and me seeing stars? What a blow to a girl who’s tried so hard…. to be good.

My family, so dear to me? Now apparently delusional, and  me filled with dismay? Saying frightful things to their own sister?, me. Day after day. And this love child now filled with disgust for adoption that took them away from me, had an anger that rose up from within my own bone, screaming inside me, “I CAME TO SEE MY OWN QUEEN MAMA! AREN’T YOU EVEN EXCITED? I MADE IT HOME?” ” No, my oldest sister would snap and foam at her mouth and roar at me NOT! Go away! She’s no longer your home! She’s ours and there is no room for your dumb ass bones! We could care less if you die! Now go away! Fly! Just scat you stray cat! Goodbye! This is not your home!” My mind all a dither said, “OH my!, this is a conundrum of the spiritual kind. Surely dear Lord? You’ve made a mistake calling me home? They think me a rake?” And God seeming silent, yet a gentle voice saying to me,  “You’ll have to work for this one, honey, but I know just the thing. Open that mouth and just begin to sing it all out.” ” Use the VOICE!” Your not alone, for there are many others just like you crying and screaming for their own Mothers, use this voice to break all the silence” “Get your self free and go the airways and speak all your truth so your people can see you”, ” Use that knife”, ” Don’t fear, bravery is facing whats seems scary.” ” Your just one of a great great army of my children, the gifts regifted. My precious ones who Mothers didn’t get it.” “Its your time to come out of the darkness that has kept you precious ones hidden.”

IF your an adoptee, your not alone, you’ve got me…





2 thoughts on “Greiving it all out to get free…

  1. I don’t think this is unique to adoptees. Not all mothers are capable of loving all of their cubs. I understand the wounds when someone is supposed to love you by all societal doctrines, yet they do not. That was a powerful post, thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

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