It’s feels like.

It’s feels like I’m

Between the devil and god. God and the devil who’s holding my mother for ransom.

The devil who roams around seeking whom he may devour eating at me standing in the devils way. Praying for my own Mamas salvations. Cuz if she’s not practicing her faith with me and is with everyone else? She’s a fake.

And this is not a game to play. Cuz when I step out of the way? Well? Then that’s it. The devil will have her. The devil will win.

Cuz God told me something was gonna happen to Mama? And I prayed and put those prayers of protection in the way. And she walked away from a wreck that totaled her vehicle. I got the warning message and prayed for her safety. I could have said, well then ok. Let her fall. Let her die. But no. Like Jesus I prayed for her.

Gods using me to speak to my whole family. Will they be like the people of old and let me hang on this tree forever? Or will they learn to unite to get over all that’s happened. Because it affected us all. Mama hasn’t just rejected me alone. She rejected all the others as well that came from her loins. Emotionally. And physically. She’s rejected herself. Because she rejected herself in me. And rejected god in me too.

And that’s the sickness. A sick mind. Making sick decisions. Using my borrowed time. And the pain is Gods. Trying to help her see through the child she rejected. Not me. I want to move on. Yes. I do. But I’ve been called to help my own Mama. So if I fall? We all fall.

Because I’m the bridge. Bridging this gap. Working day and night to build. It’s not a lark or I’d be done. I’d walk away and move on. But here I stand in front of the whole world. Where the help? Where if not inside me trying to be heard. From a child rejected. Like Jesus but a woman now.

Being crucified by her own Mother and thrown under a bus by her own daughter? That’s the madness. Adoption brings. It doesn’t fix a thing if your own Mama rejects you over and over to blind to see?

And my blog post are my testimony in case I don’t make it. Cus I’m standing between god and her petitioning for her bodies salvation. And her minds salvation. It’s a sick sick world that I’ve been living in when I help so many people and yet when I ask for help? No one. Just excuses after excuses as to why not help.

I’m tired. And lonely. And I know how god feels because we as a species just think we know it all and we don’t dare to do what’s crazy for fear of our neighbors. Fear steals the blessing that god wishes to bring us. Fear takes and leaves a big whole where love could be growing. When woman give yo their own babies. When society can’t seem to support them and help woman support what was made.

When the ch it ch reroutes the blessing God alone sent to them. And ruins a good thing.

Makes me sick. Makes god sick inside me to see such things go one in ignorance. Patterns are for breaking so new one can be begun. And this right her is one that must change.

For as Jesus said as he hung on the cross. Forgive them for they know not what they do. They missed the whole point and held to the old status quo.

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