And at some point you got to get clean.
This is me here. Getting clean. Coming clean. Telling all.
Growing up without my own Mom left me with a very very toxic relationship. With her. Inside my head where no one could see it. I was left with the garage she did not wish to face. I’ve had to face within the body she gave me.
I felt like a bag of monkeys. And my honest mirror was removed. So how tell me could I even see?
Children. That’s when I began to see the monkeys all inside of me. Their honest reactions forced me to face the toxic relationship I had with my own inner Mama. Cuz my own Mama was no where to be found except there.
The woman who’s body, genetically? Was not the woman I came from. She’s was some morph? And of course she had changed. A lot. She left me behind for sure and wasn’t happy about me rolling up into her new life without me. Now that’s a trigger for depression and anxiety if I ever saw!
And the bond I had to the woman she used to be would need a surgical cut. By god I imagine. Observing her? Helped me recognize a lot about myself. Both good and bad.
It kind of helped me make sense of a whole lot of data I’d carried growing up. Her reactions showed me why I felt worthless growing up. And why I need to face any feelings of worthless now so I could get past my inner child’s desires to be wanted and accepted by her. Cuz she want gonna accept them new me.
Time. Would show me that. And I would have to face the ugly truth that my own Mama didn’t not really, want me. Back. But she’d be more than willing to take my kids! How fucked up is that I ask? Really fucked up.
It would seem? She’s missing a link or an ability to see herself inside of me. At least the good sides. And it would seem? All she could see what the aspects of herself she ran from the day she gave me away? Like a wave that was a mirroring of a ghost from Christmas long past? Boo!
And all I did was pray and follow Gods leading. All that I write here is after years of observations of my family dynamics. Dormant. Appearing dead with no life. Until my
Children come around? Then she’s all lively and more than willing! So strange? Yet true. It’s some detachment issues? And somehow? My kids hold some secret redemption to her? Like helping them makes up for all she chose to miss with me? But no? Can’t be there for me?
And exclusions? Just love being excluded while she wants to include my children? So lovely.
Oh and then there’s the Bible. And the Christianity bullshit. When she can’t seem to see Jesus in me? Wow! Perplexing?
She’s also really controlling. My way or the highway kind of stuff?
And that’s were it all went to hell in a hand basket. Cuz she does not get to control me. She’s get to know me. Sad? Trying to push god onto me? Laughable. Gods within honey. You might be able to play house with my baby girl? But honey? I’m grown.
And I grew up different than you raised my sisters. Although I felt many of the things I imagine they did. I imagine now that I’ve had a real long hard look at her behaviors that she was quite the Mother.
She seems very emotionally unavailable. Sad.
Either she was fucked up before me? And giving me away made her worse? Or giving me away really messed that woman’s mind up.
Is why I am putting it all on blast.
Folks should see that adoption does help?
It enables bad behavior to just get worse.
And I’m now the kind of girl that doesn’t just turn a blind eye to that kind of shit. Not even in myself.
My inner child really want to see her healed. But you can lead a woman to water but you can’t make that woman drink. Especially if she feels she’s just fine and dandy all cookies and cream. Cuz she’s not. Not by a long shot if she can’t even talk to me?
And I can hear her now? I opened my arms for you? And offered you love but you did not take it? Ha! Bullshit. She has no idea what love is. Not unconditional love that is? To many conditions in that woman’s fine print.
And how can anyone build on a foundation that was built on sand? You just can’t. It sinks. And falls apart. Just like we did when I got honest and began doing this work needed to release myself from any obligations.
Honest? It’s not about her really? It’s about me and my own daughter. That woman planted seed that she will regret. My daughter has picked up an old woman’s old habits again. And that’s just not ok with this Mama right here. No.
It’s not ok to withhold information about the safety and wear about a of my daughter from me. That’s. Cruel behavior. Sick minded behavior. Unhealthy behavior. And she by her actions encourage my daughter to do the same things she does to me and my sisters. Blocking.
She may have closed a door and helped my daughter close a door? But there’s always windows. Always. This blog is a big window.
And my Mother didn’t learn a thing giving away her gift to a stranger. And has taught my own daughter that her behavior is ok? It’s not. It’s childish and unhealthy behavior of you can’t even tell your own Mother what’s what. Like I’ve given her space. Respected her boundary.
I’ve come to see her? My daughter and been turned away? Like wow? That’s some fucked yo shot right there. She also? Refused to see her own sister? Why? Hell who knows? It was my eldest daughter that help her sister get help? And now she’s on the out? Please. Oh please.
For one thing? People that are honest don’t need to hide.
And my daughter was trained to be honest. She chose to lie and delude herself that it was all my fault, the choices she made.
I’m a good mother who leads by example.
And I did not enable her behavior.
What did she want me to drag her home by the hair of her head? Tape her to her bed? Like what? 17 years old and thought she was grown? Left my house? Would not come home and bounced around?
Tries to tell me I said to get her freak on? Nope. She was doing that fine herself she did not need me to help her with that! All I did was try to love her and took my time. She could see that? She was using? Of course it all my fault?
I loved her enough to let her have what she thought she wanted. It’s not my job to micro manage her affairs but to guide her. She did not want guidance. And she hurt herself good not paying attention in my class and asking questions.
Like attracts like. And that’s a natural law.
She can’t even stand in my presence. Cuz she’s dirty not clean or she’d be home. Plain and simple fact. Run then. Cuz gods clocking you doll. Not me. I’m just praying and you know about my prayers don’t you Chelsie? And my prayers are for the highest good. Crucifying myself is the highest good.
Why? Or how? Can god even allow me to be around that is what I see. Gods blocking me from being around a toxic woman and showing me the shadows I came from so I can recognize my own shadows. Coming here a writing this all out exposes my shadow to me so I can accept my shadows.
What is a confession? If not accepting that we are human and spirit. Taking responsibility for actions. Forgives lives within me and is coming alive in a new way. Much like being born again and again as I grow I must shed the skins of the old so the light can shine through.
I’m worth nothing to any higher good if I do not face the shadows of my human body’s lack of understanding of my own shadows. It’s like walking through a dark valley as we cry abba father.
When someone goes like I am going? It rubs everyone’s shadow.
If your in the shadow? I’m gonna trigger the hell out of you right now. My shadow hates adoption. Why? Because it wants the mother I was given too. And I came here to ascend her and go beyond.
So facing her is facing me. And of course sounds crazy to anyone that’s not where I am.
And this blog is me tapping out all the crazy downloads coming right now to me.
To ascend. I’ve got to accept the shadow I came into. The darkness I was born into. Acceptance is turning on the light within the shadow. Non acceptance of the shadow keeps it hidden.
I’m calling the demons out of me. My Mother and daughter are not the issue. My thoughts about them are. Which I am typing and letting them out. I’m just writing what’s coming and understanding as I go.
And I’ve got to face my feelings and thoughts to get free. It’s like flushing a toilet instead of just leaving it full of shit.
These posts are not supposed to make sense to anyone really. It’s about me letting it all out so I can move forward without all this dragging me back to a time I wish to forget.