Just like the weather changes. So do emotions. Wind, rain, sleet, snow, earth quakes, crops fail, new ones must be planted in the fallow field of emotions after a storm.
Growing up like a golf player with a really bad handicap. Doesn’t meant you give up and just stop hitting the ball to reach the goal.
Sometimes you need a six year storm to get above that storm to see what gods doing with all those emotions. Learning what the emotions mean. Love trying to be seen though a whole bunch of pain.
One thing I see. Is my storms drove my daughter home to my Mother. And my Mother did like every mother on the planet does, she did her best to help the seed that came from her seed to grow.
Some woman struggle to see their missed takes. And this blog as triggered as I was was my way of showing all I went through due to her choice to give me away. And that yes. My children struggle for my lack of history to take into account. That this life made me different. That’s adoption changes how I saw everything and everyone. Even my children.
But that I have not given up on getting a better handle on what is up with me. That my arms, however crippled, still open wide to my own Mother. And in turn for my own children who got wounded from a wound I revived back in the day. Wounds. Must be addressed and then dressed. A doctor doesn’t do surgery until that doctor accesses the damage. And understand what the issue is.
I’ve learned that the brain is link to the trauma. And my daughter. Is finally on the road to her recovery of the girl she longs to be.
This blog is my testimony to show her this Mama won’t give up on her. It’s the proof to each of my children that I will not give up on them because that would be giving up on me. The roots to their tree needed to get clean and real so they could also see where they came from so they could get clear about where they want to go now.
EMDR is a method to reprogram the brain. You get triggered by the doctor and then they program the brain to go beyond the trauma and learn again. PTSD is real. And I’ve been loaded with triggers that triggered my children and still trigger my own Mother who’s still struggles to get me.
She’s just blocks it.
Which show me. She’s not so healed as she would think. And I just don’t wAnt to be like that when Chelsie finally finds her way to me. Because I won’t be back in that past trauma when she shows up. I will be ready to work with her to find our love again. Because love is there.
I care deeply for my children and want them to have all that this place can offer. I am the foundation they came from. And the foundation they came from came into the world lacking many things. Like my own Mother? My heritage, my medical History. Theses things do matter and each child should have them.
And that’s where Adoption has missed the mark because those things most people take for granted matter. I know this, you can’t block progress, but if you block, you won’t progress. And to even. For me to even change I had to come clean. Meaning, I had to let all those emotions linked to thoughts out so could can play, love, live the beat life I can live after this storm.
My Mother is a spirit inside a human frame. She’s got limits she just can’t go past that very clear. You have to want it bad enough to go into the pain and face the rain.
When I was months old my Mama Jean finally went out to go see a movie and left me at home. I raised such a stink the doctor was called and then they called her home to me. Why? Because I was traumatized being given away and she was gone and my ptsd was triggered at the loss of another Mother. I threw a fit!! But my saving grace was, she came home. Her voice was returned.
And that is the healing power of a woman who didn’t realize the power of her love on me. Something my own Mama didn’t have for me. Her own daughter form within her own womb, she lacked what I needed and still does. Jean. Means God is gracious. God gave me grace because my Mama didn’t have that grace I needed. Her spirit was strong but her body was weak and unable to care for me. And I thank god she named me after her. Now I know why and I surrender.
That’s all I really wanted was to understand what happened. Doctors could help me. I had to help myself. I probably never she should have had children, but I did. And I kept them close. And they came from a wounded woman too. The only difference is my difference changed me and them. It made them sensitive to pain.
But unlike my own Mama, I still care and will do all that I can to change and not stay the same old same. Each day I get up and keep going and trying to change my mind about the pain and heal myself and come out of the rain.
This blog is an open session for anyone to look into and learn from. I’ve not contained it in a file in some person office where no eyes can see what was what with me. The guidelines are just be honest and get it out so I can see a better way. And get clear and clean.
It’s crazy. I can help so many. Yet struggle to help myself. And this year is about that 20-20 vision after the drought. Six years dedicated to the ouch I never could express. And the testimony that gods grace covers it all. The flesh gets stuck in patterns of pain. And that pain must be released so a person knows what’s what and can reframe the mind to overcome the pain. You got to go there if you ever want to go anywhere else. It’s like a ball and chain. A prison of pain that kept me chained.
I’ve changed in this one thing. I’m willing to look at myself and see all I went through and how all I wrong through denied even the basics of the Mother I came from and family supports that god gave me and were taken away. Now. I’m understanding why. God knew why. And god showed me why. And that is worth it all at the end of each day. Answers to questions so deep inside me that all my cries reach God within me and answered my call.
Mothers are just human. But god is all. Don’t give up on yourself because your Mama failed to see. God will answer those question. Just knock and the door will open. Seek and you will find what you need. Ask and god will grant you access so that you will get the answers you need. Those answers for my own children are not in me but in gods saving grace.
I am grateful for Mama Jean because she’s shown up and been honest even if I did not like her answer. Just like god. She never let me down in that. And no, I don’t like that some Mothers fail and walk away and stop trying. But second best sometimes is the best their is when your own Mama cant give what you need her to give.
Mama will have to live with that truth. She blocked a blessing. And all I felt was her hurt. After am studying her reactions I know that’s true. It’s time for me to slice myself up and get on with loving and living so my own daughter won’t be disappointed anymore at a Mama so bound by pain that she can’t even be present to take in all that she or he has got to offer. My kids matter. This much.
And I’m not like my own Mother. I’m similar but not the same. We may share a part of a name but it’s followed by Jean. So that’s changed everything. I’ll never be the same.