I had to learn how to fight to survive.

Being a good girl wasn’t the issue. I always was a good girl. Just a good girl caught up in a bad situation. And I had to fight to survive.

Now don’t get me wrong now? I wasn’t some

Animals just fist fighting with everyone. But I had to use my mind. Use it to fight back by not letting folks take all of me away.

So my family must be taken back a bit with me going all balls to the walls to fight to get home? Home has always been my goal and prayer. But it was my secret and gods because no one wanted to hear that mess while I was growing up?

So I had to go deep within. Just being me seemed to upset Mama Jean. Always being corrected about how to be and do. It wasn’t enough to just be me. I had to perform. Or there’s was hell to pay.

I’ve always had stomach issue. And I was told I had to clean my plate or I would have to go to bed at 6:00 pm in the evening. My stomach aching was chalked up to just trying to get attention.

Let’s face it. No one even understood the stomach and good bacteria and bad bacteria at the time? I used to eat dirt. Which is a sign of nutritional deprivation. I learned that when my kids were young.

And I had to fight with my will to live and hang on the hope that I’d find Mama. Finding her? And her not wanting me back? Really hurt a lot. But I prayed and sought the lord about it. And God showered me with people and leads out of the blue. That’s the only reason I kept going with it.

So Mama being angry about me coming home and making contact? Really took me back. I remember moving back to California. And hearing the lord say, “it’s time to find your Mama” them grandma Margaret telling me she had had premonitions about me coming back just confirmed to me that I was in gods will.

And Mamas actions? Seemed touch and go. Which showed me she had junk in her trunk about me that needed to be confronted and transformed with gods grace.

You can’t lay grace on something you refuse to see. And I’ll go down with this fight to turn on her lights before it’s to late.

Maybe some children just love being adopted and their parents really pump all the benefits up? But that was not my situation. I had to perform up to a new standard that was not my own. Or my own Mamas.

Everything in me was against how I was parented. And my new Daddy didn’t even stay. But going with him was to risky to even consider after I’d been told so many things to keep me in check.

So. You can see how upset it’s made me to come home to my own Mama and to have her try to make me perform too? Is so upsetting to me.

And yes. I blew my top off. Yes I went postal without a gun.

And yes. I’m praying in the biggest miracle of my whole life right now. But Mamas got to know that I’m pliable but not a damn actress for her ego.

There’s love here. In my heart. And that’s all we need. The rest will all fall into place once she accept that this is what this got us both. And that together we can overcome. Love is the beat foundation. And it’s was my love for her that kept me alive.

But I had to fight.

And she’s got to know. It’s wasn’t that easy being me.

And the main vein in my post is I keep saying I love her. I’m trying push all the fear aside for ya both. Cuz clearly we both got trust issues. And clearly we both have been misinformed.

And clearly I was not raised like she would have wished. Or she might be thinking that I am just a bad girl and isn’t mind what I was told. But I’d did. But. There really was no winning for me. There wasn’t really room for me in my new situation. Concerning Mama Jeans idea of who I should be.

And I’ve been fighting her off these days too. Setting my boundaries of who I am. And she’s not like that at all. And with both Mamas and there ideas has made it really a challenge. A challenge that I am standing up to.

Because I need to be accepted. That doesn’t mean there’s no room for change. But commands don’t work on me when my whole life no one talked to my mind and explained things to me. It’s was my way or the highway. Which is a pretty cruel way to treat an orphaned child. So I was forced to perform.

And I’m tired of performing for someone else ideal of who I am. And if Mama doesn’t want to yield and understand? She’s gonna loose a love of a lifetime.

My birthdays tomorrow. Or so I’ve been told. I really don’t believe anything these days. Mama can look back at my last three visits. I cleaned windows. I painted rocks with encouraging words on them. I tried to clean that pond. I changed the table cloth. I brought my son to see her. I carried her groceries in. And I tried to talk to her.

I just don’t understand what kind of Christian she is if she can’t forgive her own daughter? That’s an eye opener for sure. Like wow?

And when I get pushed to far? Well? I get upset and fight with my mind. I’ve been put in the corner way to long. And babies upset now.

And Mama really needs to search her heart and look at all her conditions. Conditions she has place on me? Cuz that’s just silly. I’ve still come to see her. Even after my own sister slammed the door on me? I felt like some stray cat that got shewed away? And my Mama and sister did me like that and didn’t even try to understand?

What in the hell did they think I drove and spend my money to go see them? What did they spend? Nothing but lip service? Fighting a blessing from god?

They will see soon. But I’m not gonna stop for them then. They will get what they gave. And I hate that. Cuz I’m giving my time now. People drive me crazy when they just don’t see? And then? Oh they cry and want what they were to blind to see?

The one thing my Mama hasn’t tried us to just go with the flow? It’s that god damn perfectionism!! Ugh.

Ask my daughter Chelsie Mama? I would smack the crap Out of a fool!! My kids toned me down! Big time! I’ve come along way baby. My emotions? We’re on fleck!! Uncontrollable! I’ve worked. And worked. And then I finally stopped? And Chelsie didn’t like me anymore?

Whatever?

Listen. She made me so angry? All she did before she came to stay with you? She’s lucky to be alive. I made a commitment to myself to control my temper. I wanted to ring her neck and shake her!! Seriously? But she left me at 17? The big fuck you mom! My mama does not chase me? And she wanted me to chase her around?

I’ll tell you this, her issues are steeped in you and me. And until we get a grip and show the hell up so we all can have tea? Why would she tell you if you won’t even listen to me? So don’t go there with her. I’m done with her being used and you got her in the middle of us.

David let me read that letter. At least one seems to be loyal? Someone letting me in? Thank god. But this is a karmic cycle for sure. That we need to end. Ask Victoria about karmic cycles. She’s the big Druid in the family?

God has placed this on our family plate. Are we gonna act like a bunch of losers? Or are we gonna be a team? I wish Phil was here. Guess he is. For me at least. Reasoning with you is as hard as reasoning with Mama Jean. Ugh!!!!

You know Mama? My sister told me what you said when they told you I made contact? Shit!! Nice. But I overlooked that and love you anyway? I feel so unappreciated right now.

The bottom line is this: what the hell is up with my own Mama? Like? What gives? Why are there so many reason why not Mama? Where’s god in your life when it comes to me? Why? Do you treat me like some devil child?

I would say? That Mama doesn’t like how Mama Jean talks either? Cuz she trained me.

I was raised by what people called a savage!

Hope it’s all worth it Chelsie Lynn throwing me away too!

Jean is in my name and she loves you! Stop being a fool!

psychecafe

I am an Adapted, artist, Mother, a soul, a human, singer, writer, activist, minister and deprogrammer and reprogrammer of minds. And I am here because we need to change how you see it, a lot of things that is. For us Adoptees who have lived in the dark. We were cut off from our families. And that is sad people.

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