The children.

I wish I wasn’t raised by fucking kids

I wish I knew how to handle the gaping hole in my chest and my stomach after refusing to bring a child into this world

If I had no idea of even the basics of how to take care of myself

I wish I knew that pro choice MEANS YOU SUFFER a LOT MORE than JUST MAKING A FUCKING CHOICE to carry a baby to full term

I wish I knew how important it was to make that choice as soon as possible

Instead of enjoying every last second I could before it wasn’t safe to wait any longer

For someone that didn’t know any better,

Scared to death

With no clue NO CLUE what to do and who to turn to

Psychics didn’t even hae an answer for me……

I’m sick to my stomach writing this but it needs to come out.

I wish 8 weeks of life didn’t take 2 to horrifyingly bleed out in excruciating pain. ALONE.

I wish abortion was a less taboo topic to teach kids about because then maybe I’d have known at least a third of what I was going to endure.

I wish 4 years after this happened would mean a thing at least by giving me a lighter load of misery

I wish I wasn’t selling this Enfamil today after Planned Parenthood took my positive medical test and used it for profit so that I would get baby formula sent to my house at the time I WOULD be needing it.

I wish I knew

I wish I knew

I wish I knew

I wish

I wish

I wish

I wish I knew better.

I wish I knew better than chaos

I sometimes hate my parents for being so fucking abusive

And neglectful,

And I also wish they knew better

I wish they did what I did to my kid

To me

I wish that all the time.

But they had better parents that made sure they knew better.

I’m not okay today.

I’m distraught and I’m trying to be brave and I know I will do better one day and I’m proud of the person I’ve made

Even though that person is me and that is probably not even half the one I could have kept but instead I lost because of the fear and the obsession I had with trying to make my blood run clear.

But I don’t think this haunting will ever not come around

Every start of every year.


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