Could you kindly not damn me before I have my say? And say I will, speak, write, draw and paint, How ever long it takes to order these god forsaken words.
I have done the beat I could. My own Mama told me I was a horrible Mother and my sisters said I was crazy. Could they kindly not damn me before they hear, read, or see my story? How I became me? Please.
What was I supposed to do? Take back what was done to me? Pretend it didn’t happen? Disregard a loss? Disrespect death and her process? Deny wisdom that living like this gives you and withhold it from my own children?
Take learned a whole lot of tolerance for this supposed witch? As Victoria says with a B instead? Oh. Oh? Yes. The girl who was denied would give what she was not given? Like some magic well? Or some bank account no one deposited into?
Was I supposed to not even try to be a Mother? Because my own Mama walked away and gave me to the help? I’m the honorable Mother? Because despite my own deficiency and obvious disabilities? I should concede and just let someone else do it?
What was I to do? How could I help who I was and how my growing up life without my own Mama had affected me? Was I to know? I was abusive? When I myself had been abused? And forced to suck it up and deal? I was supposed to some how realize? How tucked up I was and? What? You see how silly it sounds?
People like to talks smack. I’ve shown you my smack talk and cast my net wide. Calling in all the haters of Mothers close. I hooked you? On your own shit. Baited my line with your bait and hook and your all caught up in your net. Not mine.
I’m a good girl that appears bad. Raised by two woman. One visible. One is in my blood. So. Get right with God yourselves. Just because I am weird or whatever the politicly correct word is at the time? I am my Mothers daughter true and true.
They might want to buy into the bullshit. But I’m just me. Confronting the bullshit like a queen. I’m not playing. I’m fishing for men and woman who want this to change.
Excuse me. Mama Jean never told me I was messed up. Nice to know what y’all thought about me now. That I squeezed all of you for what your worth. Love is love.
I never made any of you earn it. I love you still. I do t like the behaviors. No. But. I show up. Take this day by day. This world ain’t easy that’s for sure. But. I kept my kids and I stand by that no letter what my Mamas think, the world thinks or what my kids think.
I did do a good job. We all make mistakes. Sure would have been so nice to have my own Mama Full time for the last 26 years. Or even a quester if the time would have been nice?
But that’s the thing about Adoption and all the confusion it’s caused us and our natural readjustment to the truth that I am still a part of their lives? Not obviously a part of their lives that my family feel confident or even connected too? There is a real disconnect with us. And that’s due to adoption.
None of use have been working with a full deck? One cards been missing. Now two cards missing. God sees those things and seeks to balance. And God is OCD about numbers and divine order. I should know. I’ve felt out of order forever and had to just suck it up and move along?
No one gave a shit what I thought it felt about it. And this blog proves it. Look at my families reactions towards me? Blocked. Due to now no label but adopted? And who gives a fuck? Without a label like autistic, bypolar disorder, gluten intolerant? Blah blah blah. I’m just crazy? Thanks.
This supposed disabled person is kind of fed up with prejudice and being marginalized due to my label. Adoption gave me all the issues. I thought my Mama should know. The nerve of some people. Throw you in the gutter and then complain because your dress is dirty?
Bullies that were bullied. Talking smack instead of sense to my children? You’ve seen my PTSD now haven’t you? And my wounding? Now you know exactly how many guns go to all these triggers now don’t you? But my kids know exactly the marks I missed don’t they now?
A good Mama teaches her kids where she’s missed it. Steps away and know those babies will hit the mark and make it right for us all.
Cuz. Daddy’s matter now don’t they? My kids know that. But if Daddy’s don’t get it right Mamas got to set thats shit straight. And be the man. Right Mama?
I’m talking head to head. The heart was never an issue. Love. Shows up to do the dirty work when others just want to talk smack cuz they don’t have a clue what to do. Because they don’t have support to do what needs to be done.
Thank god, God always has those second chances waiting for us? Right?