What people don’t get about having your life wiped like some some extended hard drive? Is that cellular memory exists. And signs become clues about you.
You look at the world like a puzzle. And your family is reduced to pieces to that puzzle that makes no sense. You. Meaning me.
You, I looked at everything in reference to what I had once. Searching faces. Searching everything for clues. Feeling held with no hope of ransom. Wanting to go home. Begging god you’ll be good. That you can make your Mama want you. Bingo. Me.
Grief. Bargaining about a woman who’s not dead but is alive and well. Living life without you. She can love and give support to your children? And you’re just some god damn whipping girl. Tossed by the wind. Unsettled. Longing for solid ground.
Adoption did not give me solid ground.
And all the tea in China can’t satisfy the thirst for family. Like, my own family. My own sisters that I remembered. Having people push you around. Tell you to let it go when you did and it’s just chasing you down life street.
How does a person denied nor deny?
When denial is all I’ve known. And now. I’m facing denying myself. Asking for what I wish and have always wished for. And being denied again and again.
Having my children even deny me. When they know how much it means. Having no one help explain? The you this made me into.
My Mama is upset and thinks I hate her? Now she knows how I feel. Feeling like some Frankenstein. Scary. Weird. Crazy.
Maybe I just need to disappear? I mean it worked for my own Mama? Maybe that’s what I need to do? Just seem so wrong? But? I mean? Follow the examples right? Just fuck it and cut that shit off right?
Just play the quiet game Belinda. I ask God? Again? How long must I do this? Being denied hurts. And I don’t want any child denied their parents. And yet? I denied mine because all I knew was denial.
So. I needed up acting like my own Mama anyway. She didn’t save me? She’s in me. Her actions affected my decisions. I just scratch my head. That’s not what I wanted.
Just like me being upset and hating adoption wasn’t what my Mama wanted for me. Somethings just don’t work out.
Why do I have to keep paying for a system that did not work for me?
Amazon would not be what it is today if all the customers were forced to like everything folks buy, and denied the right to give their reviews.
Adoption. Does not make sense and in that fact. The fact that I the child am forced, shunned, shamed for speaking my honest review, makes adoption for me cruel.