I was not alone in my Mamas womb.
And my brother guides me always.
In fact. His spirit is upon my son. Proof that he was.
He sent David so I wouldn’t feel alone.
There’s a special bond with myself and David.
And I buried my brother so deep inside of me.
That’s where my Tom boy comes from.
Being a survivor. He lives through my life. Climbing trees. Dirt. Mud. Bikes. Bugs. Nature.
All my brother John.
And my name sake. Jean. My brother lives life through my eyes.
Because he gave his life for mine.
So I owe him that.
Not even my children have known about him.
That’s how deep I held him within me.
And that’s why my daughters and I protect David without even realizing they honor their uncle they never got to know. Except through me.
John gray was the only person I told about my brother and he took that to his grave.
He. Could not take what he had done to both of us. He believed me because I was an innocent child when I told him in confidence.
Right before this blog started was when it all came rushing back to me.
And I could no longer be quiet about any of it.
It’s my brother who help me be brave enough to speak up. I honor his memory and sacrifice by speaking up for him.
My Mama. Needs to know that John lives get and forgives her too.
And when I last went up to see her. With my hair cut off? Was him showing her what he would look like today.
It’s John who makes me strong enough to live on without him and Mama.
He never left me. He’s part of me to this day.
And Gran Gran has my brother in toe. Trust and believe she’s got him safe in heaven. At peace.
And he was there for me while I grew within her so I would not feel alone.
And again. He’s never left my side.
Mamas reaction to my last visits makes sense.
Because it felt like she was seeing a ghost.
And when Huey passed. My brother was there to greet him.
No one knows this. Mama did not claim the loss.
She thought it was a fluke.
And his spirit is with her too.
The son she never got to have.
And he helped Mama with Nick.
I don’t care if no one believes me.
Because it’s true.
I have survivors guilt.