Frank is all I have and I must be frank….my voice is all I have, and just like the little mermaid my eldest daughter loves so much, my voice was taken away from me. Excuse me for blowing it all out to clear my throat. Years and years of holding back kind of made a huge build up of energy that needed a blow out of my throat, so my heart could breath….
My Mama wants an apology from me? Priceless…. Because she never gave me an apology. She saw nothing wrong in what she did? With me….Sorry, Im not sorry if your not sorry… Apologies go both ways….And she’s not said a damn word to me about sorrow…
Back when she gave me away? She put it on blast, not me… She put me in a very tight spot. Choose…someone else over her? Laughable… Truly laughable.. I don’t give a shit. Yes, her actions sucked. And for years I have tried to wrap my head around an idea called Adoption, and, I simply am unable to do Adoption like my Mama’s think I should. Ive got to do it like I have to.
I played to part like everyone said I should until I could not play that part anymore. And while playing the part, I learned a lot. I learned a better way. A way that no one saw, but me. For me. For them.
People think I am just some angry white woman? resentful? Crazy? you name it, Ive heard it. People just have not been able to wrap their heads around the idea of a girl loving two woman so much, that she would play along and follow the rules until she could play the game better than any of them had, and now tries to teach there Mamas some better rules, so everyone can win at this game…But my Mamas reactions followed by actions and non actions has shown me so much about them…And Adoption. Oh Adoption that 4 letter word times two….
Where is the turn around? Where is the pay back for all my hard work? I really don’t feel appreciated or cherished at this point. I asked for help. I called. I spoke up and have cried. No one came to my call. Sad indeed, for them, not me. All the scriptures in the Bible, and I have not seem one of them in action from my own Mama who reads that book like its eating candy.
You can see now why I waited so long to speak up now cant you? Hell I screamed bloody murder at my birth? No one seemed to understand but the nurses in the nursery? For it was I who demanded to be taken back to her. Her own Childs cries couldn’t get past the gate keeper that held her captive to my cries… And she let me slip away….
Why should I take back anything I say? When she won’t take back what she did? Seems we are at an impasse? The dead end where the turn around should be? Pride goeth before the fall? but my own Mama does not seem to realize that she’s the one down, not me.
Mothers are human. Humans make mistakes. And to ignore me in the way was my Mama mistake after the first mistake. Mistakes happen. Ive made many. With why own children. Yes. And Ive owned them all. Ive apologized, asked forgiveness. But my Mamas have not apologized for not seeing my side? No we cant go back. But we can look at today and how yesterdays choices affected us all today.
And my Mama holds a grudge against me, her own daughter for not letting this go, not letting her go so easy as she let me go. Excuse me. No one told me to let her go. Everyone just acted like she never was. And even a child, knows what was, and remembers what and who was… To go through life have the world around you act like you never had a Mama of your own first? Is insane.
That does not mean I hate anyone? I dislike lies such as this. never being about to talk about her? Until I am a grown ass woman? Sad. Then to be treated like a lunatic for finally letting it all out of the bag? Sad.
I get guff form my children who are not balanced either? No one seems to want to hear Lindas name and yet its part of my name each time someone calls me Belinda? So strange? And I am trying to salvage what left of our dignity to keep going and not to give up, no matter if I say I am. These days I get down. Due to so much resistance to me wanting who God gave me too? So excuse the roller coaster ride of emotions Victoria Lynn, your not me…Be grateful. Either way, life hard.
Living without your first love is hard. Ive made room for the woman Mama sent me too. And kept room for her. Excuse me. Its the only way I knew how. No one spoke of a woman I love ever. Everyone just got all clammed up? And stupid? They taught if I loved her they would loose and yet they lost the day I came to live in a home that wasn’t hers? Is that my fault? No, its adoptions fault. Bad planning and incomplete data to back up what I know from living it. You just cant rip Mama from my heart, she made my heart dumb asses.
This whiskey called me won’t be watered down anymore.
I mean? Go on. Do what you go to do. But I do feel that my Mama could take moment and ask herself. WWJD? WWMD now? Its 2019, almost 2020? Surely? Theres some wiggle room left for me? And once you get to know me, my bad side, good side, Mamas seen both. Most people call on me when they need a REAL friend and not just some wimp.
My daughter friend told me to be a Mother? LOL whats that? Mine gave me away is what I say? Maybe let me get to know mine and then let me try to be a Mama? And I don’t even seem to get credit for keeping mine? Seems Mothers just don’t get respect? Yet I did respect my Mamas wishes? And I thought she might be proud if she knew all I had to go through to stay true to me and her and Mama Jean?
But these two woman? It seems to be all about winning? And loosing? And I just want us all to win, because right now its a loose for us all. We all lost that day. The day I went home with Mama Jean. I would never be her children that she lost and would be a constant reminder that I am not them, Mama would loose me and my siblings would never take my place, And I lost, and gained a hole in my heart no one could fill but her.
Where is the win?
Time has not seemed to soften my Mothers heart. Either of them. As they keep taking from me and not seeing that now is the time for them to give. Most people who know me, know that I have not been like this, so upset and sad and angry. But no one has done a thing to sooth me. They seem to be soothing themselves and I am just caught up in the middle as the sooth sayer, comfort child who need to be silent and compliant to a cruel task master parading around as love. I want my Mama. Now.
Ive lived my life trying to do my best and it seems my Mama does not think Ive done my best. Well? Maybe because I still have a need for her? Could it be? She’s not done with me? She can help my children? And yet seems to not be able to stop and help me? So strange. That, does not feel like love… I I’ve become perturbed. Irate! A bit crazy for lack of Mother care and yet the world goes on like nothings out of place?
To proud to apologize? To to to…..much… I am not to much, I am just enough. They both are enough. But we all are connected and act like we are not and wonder why Chelsie not around? She to young to see what to stand up for? As her Grandma treats me like this? What is she supposed to believe? What about David? Angela? This? Look at this.
My children mental health matters to me and we cant even go visit due to this impasse. That is what I am pointing at. Actions, no actions where actions could be. My own Mama seeming to scared to act like a Mama?
Ive done my best to explain. Its not an easy task showing all the sides and backing them up with research to show I am not lying, but tell the truth for all to see? Who is Mama trying to impress? This blog is a light to a bridge, after the old bridge that was built over the original bridge has been torn down. Adoption the over bridge to the original bridge. The original bridge is still there, just abandoned.
It is just about trying to show people the original bridge is still there.
Ive not made a mess of things. I am pointing out the mess. And we all must clean up our respective messes. We must get our minds clear. Clear the debris of what Adoption said was and accept what is. Acceptance that this is where it took us all. Then. The turn around from this dead end that is getting non of us anywhere.
WE can feed all the hungry, go to church all day, read scriptures until we are blue. Faith without works is dead. If this is love? Then my Mamas need to step it up and see about me. Together and swallow their separated prides and be the women I need today and not yesterday.
The world changes everyday. And we learn new ways. New inventions. New discoveries. And yet two woman I love most cant seem to see eye to eye? Blinded by pride? Stuck.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 New International Version (NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
- Ive been patient
- Ive been kind
- I have not envied, I am not jealous. Ive just been missing my Mama…
- Ive not boasted, but am just trying to help my Mamas see me? All Ive gone through for them?
- Ive not been proud growing up like this. Adoption is a microscope. Everyone knew I was adopted. I owned it. I did not shirk. My duties.
- Ive not dishonored. Adoption dishonored me. Adoption dishonored us all by lying.
- Ive not been self-seeking, but working for a resolve that fits even me. And not just my Mamas. Who like playing like this. No ones benefiting with us like this.
- I was not easily angered. It doesn’t say not to be angry, but not easily angered. Took me years to realize what I was so angry at?
- Ive over looked my Mamas wrongs, but she’s holding records on me.
- Ive not delighted in the evil done to us all? Cheating us of each other. Mama has lost out not knowing Mama Jean. And I rejoiced that the truth is setting us all free to try again with all the fact.
- Ive protected my love, my Mamas honor they now dishonor by their own non actions.
- Ive hoped for a better way for us all.
- Ive preserved my love for them despite it all.
- My love never has failed either of them. They have failed each other.
And now, Good old adoptions in our way….
Lead by example they say? What examples are my Mamas being to me now being so rigid and unyielding when I cry for both their help?
I am out of the box. Its now mY Mamas that are in boxes while I stand by and work to help them out. To feel safe. To forgive themselves for not seeing. To put by gones to by gones for us all. And to show the world that Adoptions not kind, but that we three Queens found the old bridge and cross it into our promised land. Together like God would want us too.