The only way I see.

The only way I can see that this will end is for Mama to Show up and take me Home. And believe me. I want this to end. All the waking up crying. Feeling rejected on so many levels while knowing god loves me. Feeling excluded even in the town i was raised in. Feeling like some outsider who’s Mama did not want. Forced to be someone I’m really not to save face and not rock the boat that’s sinking.

People don’t like my Mama here I Colusa. They’ve told me so. So why would they like me?

I feel out of place still. And don’t wish to any longer.

Just being me doesn’t seem to make anyone happy but god. I guess god feels like that. Stuck in a prayer closet. Only visited on Sunday and holidays? Excluded from schools even though God made everyone that goes there? Rejected because he/she can’t be seen?

Should god give up on us? As we tell god to go away we got this? America does not, “got this” at all. Should god stop knocking on our doors and go away? Should god stop answering prayers? Really? It’s goes that deep. For God looking at how people treat me.

And the only way I see my global rejection changing is if my own Mama owns me. That’s what I see. Just come down off the throne of her grace and bring me back to base. It’s not safe out here. Without your own Mama.

Yesterday I took Mama Jean to see a friend. She’s sick and old and a good woman who’s been ordered to a assisted living senior home. She’s failing. And her daughter in law drags her feet to even make sure she can hear? She’s tells me that her mother in-law is losing her mind. Like that’s an excuse for leaving her without hearing aids for three months?

I went up to the desk after listening to Ruth tell us her bottom hurt. Which has also been hurting for three months. I recorded a call where Mama Jean was pleading with Ruth to go to the doctor but she said she can’t because her daughter In-laws will get upset. Which to me is abuse. I was met with a strange response when I alerted them to what I was told? They did not take down what I said but instead took a stand more like they were afraid and hiding something? I’ve dealt with that making sure my own Nana had good care.

They called the daughter in-law. And she told them to make me leave? I was calm. I was just trying to figure out how to speed up the process when met with this weird experiences that did not make me feel at ease for her? I wonder? How I can be forced to leave when all I did was speak up for her needs? She keeps saying she doesn’t want anyone angry at her and she worries about the bill?

Maybe it is a crazy idea that just might change the energy for us all? We haven’t tried that yet and that is what I’m asking Mama to do. Claim me. Own me.

It’s like when Angela has her car towed and then held for ransom until I showed up and threatens to call the News if he didn’t give her her belonging. They gave her everything back after I stood toe to toe with the man at the tow yard and asked him if he had a daughter? And if he wanted her treated like this because this is exactly what he was sowing.

And then the question pops up. Does my Mama want me treated like this is what I’m asking? And she’s the ring leader? She started it. And I want and need her to end it. How hard is that?


Hard I guess. L

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