Maybe? I’m gonna pray.

Wish I may. Wish I might. Go to this my own Mama.

I want to close this void so bad and cut the past off forever.

It’s time to save me for real this time. And not just throw me around like some hot potato.

Mama and I could bond with others around us that are just like us. So she can see. How normal we are.

Daughter always have dreams of having a great relationship with their Mamas. Adoption is nothing about relating with your own Mama. It’s more about leading a woman to abandon herself. It just keeps perpetuating that it’s ok to give up.

The word says, stick together. Work it out. Language is an issue. People will sound like they are babbling. Work to understand and don’t let your pride and the flesh that get stuck get in your way.

I’m trying to teach my own Mama the new language I learned while away because adoption told her I wouldn’t come back. And adoption never prepares her for the fact that I would be different when I do.

I know the way I speak is different than Mama. And it’s like I now have two languages. I speak Spanglish. It’s all mixed together and Mama just rejects it and won’t try to learn to understand what I am trying to say?

I can’t deny our truth. I can’t deny I love her still. So once she accepts that this is what adoption gave us? We can’t move forward. It’s a stale mate and the one laughing at us is the devil adoption.

I’d like to go to this with her. But will she ever be ready to clean this slate? It does take the two of us to do this. Not just me.

How do I even show my Mama the value of our relationship? Why can’t she seem to see it? I wonder what happened to her? She wasn’t like this when I grew from her? And I do believe I possess many strong character traits she once was proud of and now seem ashamed of?

This is affecting my whole family. And I didn’t start it. But am being blamed for it. And that sucks. Big time. Mama can’t even see how this is tearing my kids apart. Adoptions ability to tear a child’s life apart keeps continuing long after we have grown up and reunited with our own families. It’s infects our children as they grow up thinking we are supposed to act normal and don’t.

It’s got everyone turned around and I am trying to set this straight. Since I am the one who’s been adopted and abandoned. I know. And I see the affects on us all in actions and deeds. In watching a perfecting good Mama act like some weirdo when you dare to go visit her?

No. I’d did not want to face this. My flesh did not want to go home due to this that I am pointing too. And yes. I’m doing a bit of ground work here because not many of us have gotten to the place of complete honesty without edits.

Soooo many people telling us how to be and act. And what’s sick? Now my Mamas joined the crowd trying to hide herself and let me take the damn fall again? Sad sad sad. And I will not go down without a few words to really leave the bad taste adoption left in my mouth in theirs.

This is not revenge. This is about awareness. I am spot lighting my story to make room for others to do the same. I’m tired of listening in secret to my adoptee siblings pain. We’ve been talking for years to each other, just not talking to the world about how we feel inside.

Our silences takes nothing away. But consider how much we have held in collectively. I’m trying to show ya the big picture to this puzzle piece game of chance with my life. And show you were the prices go. Our silence has only given us so much amo as the parents and authorities just took from us what’s not ours and rearranged our lives to suit the popular demand of morality management using children to clean it all up.

Peek a boo. You failed. I’m still here. And I still want my own Mama.

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