How? Could I see with all that in my way?

Between my own feelings and longing and wondering and wandering around and around trying to figure out why I got sent to this?

Maybe? If I felt like I’d asked for this I’d not have been so upset? What’s all that about I ask you. Cuz it started like a mofo. Like a hot poker to my heart.

Snap. Crackle. Pop. No Milk. It’s all got spilt. Old Mother Brown. Left town without even leaving me a note of explanation. She didn’t explain when I caught back up with her? She was like. Later. No. Just kidding.

Linda’s clown.

How did I get the Impression that everyone just assumed I’d figure this out? Wow.

Yeah. Babies don’t no anything while they grow with in you. But after their born? They gain powers. And if you abandon them? Well? They become genius’s. It’s only then that they? Can figure everything out that you didn’t write on paper. So sublime!!

Oh? Pay no attention to my own feelings and feel like you tell me I am supposed too? Oh? Precious. Who is anyone to tell an orphan how to be or act anyway? Once you loose parents and family, God takes you in toe.

It’s like looking through a window pain through the rain. Blurry. Muddled. And the pain. Oh the phantom pains of just wanting to have your Mamas voice and smell to comfort you? All you had was a silk blanket to comfort you in the middle of the night terrors to cling too and smell of yourself which was close enough for this girl to hers to calm your little heart down after the original shock waves kept coming again and again. Panic I had to calm.

No thumb to suck. Hexol’d by my New Mama. Denied my own suckling to calm myself with disinfectant. At days old. Folks didn’t think about that when they looked at me. They couldn’t see what was going on inside me.

And how? How? Do I explain this. All this?

To my own Mama I ask you? You know? Are you even in a position to even understand that kind of denial? Of my own future feelings? For years!

I didn’t take Mama Jeans children’s place. She still longs for them. And I just became a reminder I was not them. But she still kept showing up cuz that’s all we could do.

And it’s sucks that my own Mama could see how much she needed her now? That years did not give her clarity with me out of her way? That Mama Jeans efforts would prove null and void to the woman I came from, has broken my heart again.

And now I’m

Mourning for us all. Blind as bats flying at noon day. Missing ourselves in the night like strangers. When will this madness end? And balance be restored for God sakes? A stranger showed up and raised your child and this is what she gets? I’ve only told you the facts and my feelings. It’s you who judge any of us at this point.

Cuz I’m just deleting as I go. If you hold onto all of it? That’s on you.

I love Mama Jean as much as Mama damn it! What else would Linda’s daughter do? Yes. I was upset. So was she. But we are two old maid in a folding bed. Couple of old souls hanging out together. I am living in her garage to watch over her. Make sure she’s safe now.

And I’ll be around when she leaves the planet. But not for a while. I want to see her soften and forget. I wanna see her soul when she leaves and goes to meet her children lost. And that day for me will be. Truly. Hard to see her go. But glad she’s gonna be home.

It’s not easy being Linda’s daughter, no instructions left and she still upset you didn’t do it right. Lol. Oh woman of mine. Mamas.

You got to love them. Why? Because. Mamas are practice for loving others and yourself. If you don’t love yourself enough to take all you can take from her and then give it back? Well then? Why even.

I want to be Mamas friend. She didn’t want me to be her daughter. So I came back to show her. I am her beat friend and to bring her other vest friend. So. The world could see us drink tea. I want that for us all. But especially for my Mamas. To see me. Between them. And for them to see. I took the high road. And spent time, energy for them. That I never needed money. Just love and affection.

Life brings you trouble. And then your mom gives you away. And folk thought she would break me when I went home. That I would fall apart. No. She broke me the day she left me alone in a hospital surrounded by strangers. But god fixed me better than new.

I came back to show her all I had learned while away at this strange school that’s taught me so much about the dynamics of families especially mothers. The expectations placed and the exceptions won. And the expectations thrown out cuz I tried and tried and they just don’t apply.

She wasn’t happy. I wasn’t beautiful to her eyes. Just a bad reminder of a man she never really knew and had judged so poorly and left. Gave me away and tried to forget. It could not. Knock knock knock. Ring ring ring. God sent me back to help her right her own wrongs. How to face it all, except not completely alone. Just distant for space and respect while her own Mama gathers herself. After seeing how an idea took her on a wild ride away from me, but god brought us back together to face what was and to make was is to be.

And to look back and see clearly the lessons about mothers and daughters and strangers who show up to finish a job god gave you. And how to truly see to be grateful to strangers who stand in your gap and take the heat thats was meant for you. And to bow with respect when you dare to darken her door. A humble woman. Who’s given me all that was for her own children to me!! Damn it all to hell Mama.

Family? Chelsie Lynn Gayheart!! Her hearts failing as she been out on a blood thinner now. Surgery on her artery in the neck. She’s strong. But god damn this bullshit Chatty Cathy fuckerly. Cat fight nonsense I taught Chelsie better than this. And all she did was judge me a woman raised by a woman that lost her children and gave their love to me. To me. And mine.

I’m glad I purged that old shit. If just you catch a glimpse of her in motion. As she loved me with her own broke. Heart. Fuck all of you. And get your asses here. Not another minute will I stay silent!!! She matters too!! You are tied together like twins to me now. To love one is to love the other. As so the dance of my life goes. Back and forth between my Mamas trying to Stich them both back together. Face to face it says Mama. No veil. Just twin woman who love me?? Can’t you all see it yet? So beautiful? Yet you cling to yesterday’s news about what I say and paint it on your walls?

In gods name stop. And smell this rose from Lola that loves Belinda. And who I will never forget but wished to see clearly!!! Damn you adoption for not helping me do better!!

psychecafe

I am an Adapted, artist, Mother, a soul, a human, singer, writer, activist, minister and deprogrammer and reprogrammer of minds. And I am here because we need to change how you see it, a lot of things that is. For us Adoptees who have lived in the dark. We were cut off from our families. And that is sad people.

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