My family seems to think this is only hard on My Mamas. It’s hard to keep going home to be met with family member treating you like some assassin. It’s hard to face the truth I faced at birth, like a dragon slayer but my family can’t see the enemies not me.
Ptsd? Yes. I get triggered and keep going. Just like everyone else. They are triggered and I am working to disarm all of our guns.
And the thing is that no one but me seems to see the enemy isn’t anyone of us, but just a really bad idea that’s gone wild and is ripping us apart, and that’s an opportunity. Because of this has ripped us open then that means I can get in and clean this wound out.
My children? Well they are watching how everyone treating me. Including themselves. I’m sure Chelsie didn’t see us like this? But here we are, all estranged and confused.
And the scriptures that I use like a prescription is what I am using to help Navigate is out of this shit hole adoptions bullshit got us into. Gods word is living. And it goes forth and does what it’s supposed too. All I have to do is use it and God, take them word and does the work to change the mind.
There was a time we believed the world was flat. That was until we got a wider view of this planets size and realized it’s round. One day we may find our its not round. Who knows. That’s the thing about this place, it’s always changing and it’s we who hold things back.
I am presenting an alternative that can change the dynamic of the family for the better. Better than this. And I am prepared to work for it.
And like I’ve written before, unlike Mama who took my rights. I am handing hers to receive by asking permission to board to my captain. Cuz I see families like units in the armed forces. Sick families like mine do nothing to help this planet. God wants us all to have better.
But we all got to work to get there. And this work is still not seen like it should. The work of changing our minds and staying updated. Learning what separation does to us all. And how unity bring healing when we face our failures and turn them into successes by getting them right.
And a mind can get messy and overloaded and needs to have things deleted and new stuff out in place so functions are restored in an updated capacity.
And why can’t people just talk to each other?
Why does anyone have to go talk to a counselor?
One thing I see is people just don’t learn how to communicate. They don’t learn to not give up till you break through. Gotta put some elbow grease on it like Daddy says.
My question to my family is is this:
Is this what we are made of?
Is this all we’ve got?
Are we gonna let this beat us?
I’m looking at your nonaction, asking, is this who we as a family? As people who love God?
Are we this?
Our family is like the pole barn. Full of peoples shit and needing some repairs.
And did Phil work his ass for a family like this?
I think not.
He picked that house out for Mama. And the view is right and can be seen in all its intended splendor if you keep the windows clean. That house is Mama nest of healing from a man who knows still how hurt she is. And I learned from a man who did like me and loved her anyway.
I put rocks painted with words in my Mama yard on one of my trips. I surrounded her with words from me to ground that woman into the fact of my love and the proof it’s real. I cleaned those windows like god told me too. I helped with the pond. I pet the cats. Walk the ground. Walked her halls with my love as she looked at me like a ghost do a clean sweep so could make sure I hit all the spots that needed cleaning.
The garage energy was blocked at the time. Phil’s clothes were in the front room by the door. The cookbook room was a mess. And grammas room stacked and cluttered. All signs to me about where my own Mamas minds blocked. Mamas got a creative block about me.
But she started cleaning up. Your welcome Mama. I do know how to kick you into gears. But then again, I had help from the other side and her people know her. Gran gran, Margaret, grandpa Gerald, so silent but deadly, auntie O who taught her, she knows, Huey, he’s got her number and he gave it to Phil who told me all about her.
Maybe you can’t pray like me? I figured everyone had faith like I’ve been blessed with? Adoption does challenge ones faith and I’m a contender. My father taught me how to fight and use love as my weapon.
People try to hate me but it doesn’t work. Cuz it’s not about me but yet I’m used. I share my mess so people can accept there own messes. I show people how I clean it up. And my way is the hard way and you do get dirty while cleaning up messes.
Adoption ideas have lead us to misunderstand each other. And I work to help my family rise above their triggers and to get ahold of their emotions, by allowing them to flow. Part of the process is to pop the cork off it all so the juices of emotions can flow out. How can fresh get in if we don’t let the old shit out. Just like a wine skin.
To any psychologist I should be making some sense by now. My family just feels pain now about me. And those feelings are linked to our past perceptions that keep them from seeing beyond this. They are in the weeds about me. I’m pulling the weeds and explaining what they mean. Like some mental Horticulturist trimming it all away so the plants, my family can expand and grow and see how connected we are like mycelium by the lights of our new day beyond the weeds of yesterday’s ideas of who we really are to each other.
And yes. It’s like uncasting a spell by returning us all to the original spell. What is a spell but a prayer. And in some way. Mama prayed for me.
And Mamas prayers will be answered. But it’s not being mastered like a Mama thought cuz she’s not changed her mind. Once she realizes she can change her mind this will all be yesterday’s news.
Beyond feeing bad and shame and all that is healing. My family deserve that.