i heard this song today randomly on the radio.
And I was a teenager when I used to listen to this song. This song really penetrates the mixed feelings I’ve felt growing up trying to be just so strong when inside my world was chaos.
Adoptions, organized chaos for me at least.
Songs are so weird like that. They can just access a feeling. A sadness and loss so deep. All I knew back then was it made me think of Mama. Being so strong to grow up and prove this all wrong.
And today these feelings came washing back over me as this song played and I sang.
I think to myself as I go through the waves of feelings that seem to be activated with this song. That’s how deep my grief was growing up.
The songs says, I don’t miss you. But I’m lying to myself. And I would lay money the song makes Mama feel feelings too.
But also the lyrics remind me of my Dad. My moms tells me otherwise. And yet. My gut tell me he cares a lot. And his actions tell me different too.
And I kind of think he knew about me. And I believe he knew my name too. But he played it so cool when I came along. But. He gave me a tape set. Anne of Green Gables. Anne. My middle name. And my sisters watch these videos. So they knew about orphans like me. Their sister.
He also named his first child from his second marriage Stephanie. He seemed that intentional a man to do that. Like bread crumbs only his daughter could eat or see. Validating. He knew.
I mean my grandmother, his Mother, was a hairdresser with a salon. I’m sure she found out and told him. It’s too weird a thing.
He was just so calm when I called him. And so compliant. Like maybe he’d been waiting for me. He did not turn me away. It was a blessing Mama could not see.
And maybe she thought he was gonna tell me some bad stuff? She acted like that when I told her I was gonna meet him. She was upset. But I prayed. And God led me to call him. In fact I called a friend and she prayed with me before I called him. He answered. Which was amazing.
He listened. And we had an amazing talk for two hours. He was the same when I showed up at the house. He came out and took time, all the time I needed to talk. I took him photos of my children. I believe he was encouraged that I looked him up and cared.
Our first meeting was ended with prayer and I lead the prayer while he held my hands.
And as much as I would like to believe what Mama has said, I do believe she’s not seen all of my father. She was 25 and in the throw of a break up when they hooked up and made me.
And. Yes. I think he’d want me to set her straight and give her the full 411. He never got a chance to be my Dad except for 3 years. My Mama can’t even appreciate and enjoy his daughter for 20+ years. I didn’t even get to go to his funeral and sing him home. I was conflicted anyway.
Which is so messed up. I didn’t even feel comfortable to go and see my own father off for fear of making a scene? Which was not a fun decision to make. I made the same on for Jack, my Mamas first husband. And for Phil. Her last husband. My sisters didn’t even have a clue.
Not do they seem to care how much their sister must be denied as long as they get Mama all to their selves. I’ve stayed away. And given much time for them to accept what is. And that’s why I blog. People need to know the extent of the damage keeps giving.
My father played in his daddy’s band. So music is how he accesses me. Just like Phil with Fire Straits and Billy Holiday.
And I blog because I am tired of people trying to tell me I don’t know my family. I do. This is that big of a mess. And there pain is associated with my departure. Their grief must be processed and nor denied.
If I could get them to open up, we’d get it all cleared up and healing could happen so Mama can spend what’s left of her life with a great relationship with her estranged daughter. No Mother handles this well and my Moms not even being supported with her reunion process with her own daughter.
Think about all the developmental milestones we have to go through? Yeah. When reunion hits the process just starts. The body takes over. It’s like we all were put on hold and when we meet I and she began to grow up and go through the stages we would have had we not been paused.
And to unlearn something means facing what’s no longer working and making space for new ways. Our behaviors have been opposing since I was born where Mama had to tell herself stuff to maintain her stand away from me. She had to maintain a lie to maintain a lie called new truth.
But it’s just a white wash and did for me wear off. They painted me adopted but my original skin bleed through. I mean? I was named Stephanie Anne. My new Mama did not know my Mamas name? And named me Belinda? Jean? That’s crazy. And that’s God making a mark on me. Linda’s in my label. My name.
And so is Jean. So what’s the deal with my Mamas? Why are they now broken and not working right? I had to do all they wanted. My life was not my own. My life was my Mothers life for me. An arranged life. Like a forced marriage. And a forced divorce from my own family. Adoption cuts deep for me.
And let me say this.
Thanks. But no thanks. You’ve all helped me enough. I’ve got this. Please. Sit down. Stop fretting. We must face all of our fears to truly be able to come together. No secrets. If I had been kept I’d have known everything anyway. So why hide now.
My Mama and my family should be able to draw comfort from knowing that I have always loved them. What’s the evidence here? Shot happened. And we did not know better than we should about how I and my Mama would react. But the evidence of trauma is here in my family.
And I the abandoned will not abandon them. I’ve never abandoned myself and that how I’ve survived and was blessed by God with a chance to find Mama. And I did.
But that’s when the work began and what gods taught me took affect. And I had to take action. Or Mama would blow.
The three vista were hard to endure. But they were necessary. Mama needed to see me and that I am real. For years neither of us knew what to do. So. Good bad. Feels shitty. I took action when action was needed to begin our healing princess actively grieving our losses publicly. To. Prove a point.
I’m her daughter still.
I won’t say I ain’t missing you anymore.
Because I’m done lying to myself because the government told me too.
They don’t own me anymore.
Adoption is a cruel taskmaster to chain a child too. Our heritage matters to us as beings and helps shape our identity. To not be able to identify with your own clan is detrimental to each child denied.
And my Mamas should be happy I am free. And that I now choose them. And realize that they just did not realize what this did to me. And where this sent me. And that I had to work to see them in a different light. To try to put myself in their places.
I get where they came from. And how they were instructed to see Adoption. That they really didn’t even think about me having my own mind about all of this.
What. A roller coaster ride away from my own circus and back again.
And. Of god wanted me to leave her alone? God would leave me alone about it. But that’s not what’s happening now is it? No.
It’s not my fault. But I can make this better. Way better once I’ve cleared out the old narrative so the new one I keep talking about can grow. What can grow now with us all like this? Hmmm?
This song was released in June of 1984. I was pregnant with my first child. During that time? While my daughter was growing within me who would be, namesake of Mama. I missed Mama. So yippe!!! Great job.